Scriptures on Loneliness and Change

“Be still and know that I am God.”                    Psalm 46:10

“You are all around me – in front and in back – and have put your hand on me.”

                                                                                    Psalm 139:5

“I find rest in God; only he gives me hope.  He is my rock and my salvation.  He is my defender; I will not be defeated.”                Psalm 62:5-6

“You are my help.  Because of your protection, I sing.  I stay close to you; you support me with your right hand.”                      Psalm 63:7-8

“Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you.  Lord, every morning you hear my voice.  Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.”                                           Psalm 5:2-3

“The Lord is all I need.  He takes care of me.”  Psalm 16:5

“You will teach me how to live a holy life.  Being with you will fill me with joy; at your right hand I will find pleasure forever.”   Psalm 16:11

“You changed my sorrow into dancing.  You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me in happiness.”                          Psalm 30:11

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”

                                                                                    Psalm 31:9

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.”                                                       Psalm 34:18

“I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of destruction, out of the sticky mud.  He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady.  He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.”                                                                                    Psalm 40:1-3

Revealings On The Journey

“Use the gift you have, which was given to you through prophecy when the group of elders laid their hands on you.  Continue to do those things; give your life to doing them so your progress may be seen by everyone.”                     I Timothy 4:14-15

This past week God has used me to share His Spirit, love and care in a variety of settings.  I led a Grief Seminar, talked with a Hospice Grief Support Group, shared about caregiver burnout at an online symposium, visited my soon to be 100 year old friend and cried with him in his grief, counseled clients, officiated at a funeral, and spent time with my siblings.  Phone calls, cards and conversations were in the midst of the week too.  I share all of this not to boast but to reveal how God uses our pain and grief to help others if we are open to God’s calling in our lives. 

None of us would choose to go through the loss of our loved one and to experience the deep pain and hurt of grief.  It is a secret club we never knew about and never wanted to join, but here we are in our grief and loss.  As we journey and become more aware of reality and struggle to live in this new different, we begin to see others beginning the journey.  When we talk with others who have walked this path, they have been our guide and understand our emotions and challenges.  Therefore, we can help those who are behind us by just being present and listening and sharing together.  We are in this together.

As I spoke this week on Caregiver burnout, God revealed to me that grief and loss have similar paths.  Some of us began our grief feeling exhausted from caring for our loved one at the end of life.  We shared in the pain of our loved and stayed present even when we could not change the situation.  We prayed for healing and made sacrifices for our loved one.  We may have grieved at each change and loss as our loved one declined and now recognize we have been on the grief journey for a long time.  We may have ignored taking care of ourselves during this journey of caregiving and even in the early times of our loss and grief.  As we try to live in this different life, we need to find ways of living not just existing.  I have tried many ways in the past five years.  Some worked well and others confirmed what I did not want to do.

It is difficult to focus on caring for yourself after the death of a loved one.  Guilt enters our thoughts, and we cannot imagine moving forward in our lives so why take care of ourselves.  As we become more aware of reality that this is now our lives, and the exhaustion of grief lifts some, we need to find ways of caring for ourselves.  For me, prayer and trying to be present with God in the moments of life was the beginning of healing and hope on my grief journey.  It is taking deep breaths – breathing in God’s Spirit and out our negativism and hurt.  Some days it is just focusing on moments of beauty in nature – the sunshine, the sky, the trees, the birds.  It is recognizing God’s creation around us and breathing in the air.

God reveals Himself in these moments.  We are not alone in our grief and loss.  Joy and sorrow mingle together in grief.  Find moments to laugh even in your grief – laugh with someone, watch a movie, read the comics, remember a funny moment with your loved one.  Laughter brings healing and hope to our souls.  Also, cry and release the emotions inside of you.  Tears are a cleansing of the soul.  Live in moments.  Focusing too far into the future brings anxiety and staying in the past fuels our depression.  Be present.

Because God has been with me on the journey and continues to give to me the gift of caring for others, God calls me to share with you and others what God has revealed to me.  My hope is that it will be of help and support to you on your journey down this different path and someday you will take the hand of another who is behind you and help them walk the path as you share where you have been and where you are going.

Surrounded In Loneliness

“If one falls down, the other can help him up.  But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because no one is there to help.  If two lie down together, they will be warm, but a person alone will not be warm.”                             Ecclesiastes 4:10-11

As I looked at each face, my heart saw their grief and pain from the journey of loss.  I had walked with several of them as they opened the hurt of grief and began to face the reality of their new life.  I was leading a seminar on grief and our topic was “Loneliness and Change.”  As I spoke the title, I realized almost everything on the grief journey fits into these two words.  Life is forever changed, and the journey reveals change after change.  As we face the emotions and feel the depth of grief, it is loneliness that hurts our soul.  We forever feel the loneliness of never being with our loved one and feeling the hug of our loved one.  We are alone.

Being alone. Sometimes in life, we crave the rare chance to be alone and enjoy quiet.  It sounds so inviting to slow down and just enjoy whatever we want to do.  We long for these moments when life is hectic, and we just need to step away from those close to us.  But we know we can surround ourselves again with those we love whenever we choose.  They will be waiting for us.  It is when our lives completely change and life is turned upside down and we are alone, that the fear of loneliness creeps into our soul.

To feel alone even when we are surrounded by people is part of the grief journey, too.  We may be involved with friends and participate in the daily life of family but feel alone because our special person is no longer with us.  The person who made life meaningful, who gave us hope and filled our days with love.  We complete tasks, help others, work, exist in the dailyness of life but have an emptiness inside.  When we are in public and around others at church or work, we put on a good face that shows we are moving forward and making it on our own.  We even try to fool ourselves, but when we enter our own space, we feel the immense weight that our loved one is gone, and our heart feels the ache of being totally alone.

Our faith reminds us that God is always with us.  Jesus promised his disciples that he would be with them always. God tells us that no matter where we go, He will be there, but the feelings of the intense longing for our loved ones makes us feel so utterly alone.  In my grief journey, I have focused on being alone with God.  God is with me even when I do not feel His presence.  But some days that was not enough.  I just longed to be loved by my special human.  As I have journeyed down the road of grief, I have treasured these alone moments with God.  When I run or when I just sit and be quiet with God, it is in these moments God hugs my heart with His love and assures me I am never alone.  These moments have been times of honesty, growth, and faith.

When we are alone in our thoughts, millions of thoughts flood our mind clamoring to be heard.  Our thoughts can bring depression and anxiety as we worry and fret over the past and future and feel the loss of hope and meaning in our lives.  This loneliness brings despair and fear.  Who am I now?  Is this how life will always be?  We recognize the change and know life will never be the same.  When we ride this merry-go-round, we feel the intensity of being alone in relationships and even within our own family.  Loneliness is the desire for life to go back to a time and place when one was surrounded with love, joy and people who gave hope and meaning to life.

In our grief, we need to recognize these feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and in time find healthy ways to live in this different life.  We build or strengthen this alone time with God where faith and dependency on God grows and matures.  We begin to long for quiet time with God – to be still and quiet before God.  Oh, this takes time, and it becomes what we strive for in life.  Our view of life changes in grief.  Surround yourself with those who understand the journey not those who deny your feelings and emotions.  Being alone means you are never alone because God is with you.  Step away from the world of chaos and turmoil and surround yourself with God’s alone time.  Allow grief to change you.

Grieving A Generation

“When they are old, they will still produce fruit; they will be healthy and fresh.  They will say that the Lord is good.  He is my Rock, and there is no wrong in him.”   Psalm 92:14-15

My 89-year-old friend, Mary Lou went to heaven this past week.  Mary Lou had a sweet, sweet spirit.  She loved Jesus, her family and life.  She loved to hug and give you a kiss and make you feel as if you were the most important person in the world, and you were to her at that moment.  I enjoyed lunches with her.  Mary Lou supported me in my ministry and always encouraged me.  Our spirits were connected in grief with the loss of husbands.  We sent cards to each other.  I loved Mary Lou as my friend.

This past week, two of my dear older friends needed me as they dealt with health issues and needed help making decisions.  God made it possible for me to change my schedule (a client got a flat tire) and be with them immediately and guide them through the issues.  Through this experience and the death of Mary Lou, God and I have been reflecting on my relationships.  My friendships in ministry have been many people who would be considered “elderly” or the oldest generation.  My friend I assisted this week made the comment, “We are losing all of our friends.”  So am I.  Many of my dear friends are in their ninth and tenth decade of living.

As a child, I spent hours with my grandmother and other older relatives.  I enjoyed their stories but also how they encouraged me.  When I began my ministry, I was the Minister of Youth and Education working with students, but I always connected the youth with the oldest generation by “adopting” grandparents to visit and assist.  The oldest person I have been around was 107 years old when he went to heaven.  Over the years, I have connected in every church with the oldest generation and developed friendships that have guided me in my own spiritual walk.  I was attentive and treated them with the respect they deserved.  I wanted to learn and grow from their experiences and wisdom.  They supported and encouraged me.  In my years in Hospice, most patients were in this oldest generation.  It was a privilege to walk with them in this sacred and final journey.

These friendships have strengthened my life and taught me how to live, love and grow in my faith and commitment to Jesus.  But with these friendships, I have had to grieve repeatedly the loss of dear people in my life.  By choosing the oldest generation, the length of years in the friendship has been shorter but the impact lasts a lifetime.  As I grieve the loss of each friend like Mary Lou, I become more and more aware that someday soon I will be the oldest generation.  I will continue to grieve those who have come before me, but also give thanks for teaching me how to live in old age. 

The Scripture teaches us that age is not a factor in being used by God and being productive.  God called Abraham in old age.  Moses led the Israelites through the desert late in life.  God continues to use and call people based on their faith and willingness to serve not based on their age. 

So as I grieve the loss of my friend, Mary Lou, Jim, Nancy, Ruth, and the list goes on and on, I give thanks for their lives, their faith, their service to Jesus, their support and encouragement and most of all their love and friendship.  My life has been enhanced because of all these friendships.  I will not stop developing them and walking with them on this journey of life.  And when I become the oldest generation, I hope and pray I will have family and friends to walk with me.

Rearranged Relationships

“We should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers.”  Galatians 6:10

I spent a week with my Aunt Merilyn recently.  She is the wife of my Uncle Maurice, my dad’s brother.  I grew up respecting my Uncle Maurice and being in awe of God’s calling on his life to be a missionary.  When Uncle Maurice prayed at family gatherings it felt as if he was talking to his dearest friend.  He prayed with such deep love and conviction.  One time, Uncle Maurice stayed overnight with Dave and me.  Dave went upstairs to let Uncle Maurice know breakfast was ready, and the door to his bedroom was cracked open where Dave saw Uncle Maurice on his knees praying.  This made such a powerful impact on Dave that my uncle was praying for all of us on his knees in our home.

While my relationship with my Uncle began because he was my dad’s brother, our love and admiration for one another grew beyond the initial relationship.  We were both in ministry and respected God’s call upon each of our lives.  My uncle loved people and was a humble servant who influenced my ministry.  He encouraged me and I developed my own relationship with him outside of my dad.  We will always be connected because of Jesus.

As I spent time with Aunt Merilyn, I felt connected to my Uncle Maurice through her love and memories.  But I also recognized that because of my uncle, I now had extended the family connection to Aunt Merilyn’s siblings and their families.  Our circle of family had grown because of our mutual love and respect for my Uncle Maurice.  While we all loved and missed him, his influence was evident. I was loved and accepted into the family circle of my aunt because of our mutual love for my uncle. 

My dear friend, Ruth, had “adopted” me as her granddaughter and over the years Ruth shared stories of her family with me like I knew everyone and needed to know what was going on in their lives.  When Ruth died, her sister, Nancy, and I made a deeper connection because of our mutual love for her sister.  I also have connected to Ruth’s daughter.  When Nancy died, my connection was extended to Nancy’s husband, Frank.  The bond has continued because of our love for the two sisters who began the relationship.

I have recognized these unique relationships throughout my ministry.  When we walk with people in grief, a bond of grief, loss and love is made.  Many times this relationship bond is transferred to other family and friends.  Sometimes, though, distance is created after a death.  The deceased may have been the “glue” that held together the family unit or the friendship circle.  Disconnection occurs and people move on to other relationships.  In my grief, I have experienced the separation from friendships that were my husband’s friends.  I had relationships with people because of Dave and their love and friendship with him.  I just came along as part of the husband/wife package.  In other relationships, I have formed my own friendship outside of Dave though our mutual bond is still our love and memories of Dave.

Grief rearranges relationships.  Some relationships are deepened through loss and pain.  The relationship began because of our loved one but is rearranged into our own relationship.  Other times grief separates, and distance occurs.  Not all relationships remain active and vital.  Some are for a season, but still make an impact on our lives.  As we grieve the loss of our loved one, we also grieve the loss of relationships connected to our loved one. The one relationship that lasts forever is with Jesus.  He walks with us in our grief and connects us with the family of believers, some who have been with us and others who join us on our journey.

Heavenly Relationship

“After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am.”                        John 14:3

I stopped at the cemetery and left a small stone at Dave’s grave.  I have visited his grave frequently over the past five years and have brought a stone most visits.  Many of the stones are around his grave marker while a few have disappeared from being run over by the mower.  In the past, my visits have been a time of quiet reflection and conversation with God and Dave.  This visit was different.  The cemetery has become a place of death not a place of connection.  This transition has occurred as I have focused more on Dave living in Heaven, not his presence on earth.

Heaven continues to be on my mind as more and more friends and family take the journey to their eternal home.  Heaven.  We read about it in the Bible and sing about it in songs.  We have heard about “the streets of gold” and the “crystal sea.”  But because of a recent conversation with a client, my focus on Heaven is not what it looks like or where it is, but on who is in Heaven and the relationships with those who are living in Heaven.

I recently visited with a family whose wife and mother is in hospice care and is continuing her journey of leaving this earth.  Her body is slowly dying.  It has been a long, process of letting go.  I had a conversation with one of her daughters who does not want to talk about the dying and the decline of her mother.  She has accepted that her mother is dying but does not like the family constantly talking about death. We talked about her mother’s life and all the things her mother did and her memories.  Then, we talked about Heaven and the people her mother will see in Heaven.  It was in those moments, that God’s Spirit spoke to my heart and I realized what this daughter and what all of us in our grief really want. We want our loved one to live.  We know their earthly body is dying, but we want them to be alive.  We struggle with our mind knowing the truth and our heart wanting something different.  We live on earth and then we live in Heaven.  As I talked with this daughter, we talked about focusing on her mom living on earth and then living in Heaven.  Do not focus on the dying, but on the transition from one life to the next.  This brought hope and comfort to this daughter.

My week was flooded with death.  The death of my college professor’s wife, the grief of a 99 year old who is grieving deeply the loss of his wife, my brother’s grief at the death of his wife, the death of Dave’s colleague and friend, and the funeral of my husband’s friend’s wife.  Death is all around and some weeks it is intense and constant.  If my focus is only on the death, the intensity of the grief and loss is overwhelming.  I am trying to focus on the relationship with each person here on earth and also the relationships they now experience in Heaven. 

Everything in life to me comes down to relationships – our relationship with God and our relationship with one another.  All the other things of life are just stuff.  The only thing we take with us when we die is our relationships.  What remains on earth is the memories and love and how our lives were intertwined with our loved one.  We are forever changed because of the relationship.  What we take with us to Heaven is our relationship – our relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus.  That is why we get to go to Heaven.  Jesus prepares us a place – not just a mansion but a place in His heart for us to be with Him forever because we gave our heart to Him here on earth.

My focus has changed in my own grief.  I think about my loved ones living in Heaven and all the people who are around my loved one.  The joy of being with Jesus and the joy of welcoming new loved ones into Heaven.  Oh, the joy and conversations and hugs!  This brings a smile to my heart.  Jesus hugs each person who enters Heaven and welcomes them home! No social distancing in Heaven and lots of hugs!

Forever Changed

“But look! I tell you this secret: We will not all sleep in death, but we will all be changed.”

I Corinthians 15:51

Life is filled with changes.  Our bodies change in each phase of life.  Where we live changes with growth or decline.  The world changes with leadership and the effects of nature.  Many times changes are connected to dates like September 11th – when our sense of security and safety was changed forever.  Even this year, March 15th began the shut down of our country because of the virus. 

I write this on Friday, September 18, 2020.  Today marks five years that my husband, Dave, has been in Heaven.  I remember the journey toward death and leaving this world.  It was months of changes in his body while his spirit remained strong and focused on getting up each day and trying to live his life to the fullest.  With each change in his body brought on from the brain tumors, I had to change my routine and care and responsibility.  My life was forever changed when God released him from his pain and suffering and took him home.

I will always remember September 18th no matter where my life takes me.  Dave and I had a special relationship that was centered on our faith in Jesus and our love for one another.  We walked the journey of life supporting one another in different careers and ministries.  We experienced tragedy and death of family together.  We traveled and had wonderful adventures and laughter together.  Nothing takes these memories from my heart.  I am farther down the path of life because of Dave’s encouragement and influence.

As I reflect on these past five years, I realize I am forever changed.  I have had to figure out who am I now?  This to me, is one of the hardest parts of grief.  When my mom died, I had to figure out who I am now without parents and what was my role with my siblings.  While the death of my mom changed me emotionally, my everyday life with my husband, Dave, did not change.  I missed the daily phone calls and love and support from my mom.  I felt like an orphan trying to figure out how to live without parents.  I was changed but still felt the love and guidance of my mom.

When Dave died, my life changed forever.  The one aspect of my life that did not change as much was my counseling ministry since Dave was never a part of it.  What changed was not having the support and someone to take care of our dog, Annie.  So Annie became part of my counseling ministry.  I think she helped me more than my clients.  She was my constant companion.  Then, I had to figure out who I am now.  I have moved four times since Dave died trying to figure out life.  In our grief at the loss of a spouse, we need to figure out not only the big things of life but the daily things like what do you buy at the grocery store for one person?  What do I really like?  As I counsel other widows who have always made decisions based on their husband’s preferences, the grocery store is a huge grief step.

Over the past five years, my focus has become more on the living than the dying.  Dave is now living in Heaven and I am living on earth.  We are both living.  I have a longing for Heaven as more and more people I love are living there, and I begin to think about the joy of spending eternity sharing life together.  I have come to accept that change is good.  It is an adventure that God has me on.  Life is different.  Different is not bad, it is just different.  It does not mean I wanted this different life, but it is the life I have.  I have also come to realize that being forever changed is what Jesus did in my heart.  When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was in 7th Grade, Jesus has been changing my heart all these years to become more like his.  I want to continue to grow and change to become more and more like Jesus every day.

None of us would choose this grief journey, but it is what we have.  We can deny it for awhile and try to live in the past which is filled with memories.  Or we can embrace this forever changed life and say, “OK, God, who am I now?  I want to be more like Jesus in this changed life.”

The Connection Of Our Grief

“When Jesus saw Mary crying and the Jews who came with her also crying, he was upset and was deeply troubled.”   John 11:33

This past week, I officiated at the funeral of my sister-in-law, Bertha, my brother, Edwin’s wife.  Bertha had been fighting illness in her body for quite some time.  The family cared for her at home, and I had two opportunities to be with her toward the end and talk with her about heaven and her faith.  We talked about the people she would see in heaven who were waiting for her.  We also talked about how hard it was to let go of those she loved here on earth.  I am grateful and humbled that God gave me these conversations with Bertha, my brother and two of their children.

As the service began, one of Bertha’s favorite hymns was played and many people joined to sing “In The Garden.”  I looked at my brother, Edwin, and he began to weep and then I glanced at my brother, David and he was trying so hard not to cry.  My eyes welled up with tears and my heart was breaking for my brother.  I, too, had sat in the front row of a funeral service for my spouse, my husband, Dave.  I knew the heartache and the pain, how it feels to lose the love of your life and your helpmate.

I shared in the service my memories of my sister-in-law and what I learned from her life.  Bertha, like each of us, had her own quirks and uniqueness and also gifts from God that she expressed in her life.  My brother, her husband, loved her deeply and had chosen her for his wife and helpmate for life.  I understood what it was like to lose a spouse and had some sense of his emotions, but each death and each relationship is different and unique.

At one point in the service, as I stood sharing with family and friends, I could see each of my siblings.  My siblings and I connect in our grief at the loss of grandparents and parents.  We walked together through the care and death of our parents and have stayed connected as a family.  My brother, Edwin and I now connect in our grief at the loss of a spouse.  While we have experienced loss and even loss of the same individual, our grief and how we deal with grief is different.  We care about each other.  As Henri Nouwen states, “to care is to participate in suffering, to share in the pain.  To care is to be present to those who suffer, and to stay present, even when nothing can be done to change the situation.”  (A Spirituality of Caregiving)

To connect with others in our grief is to allow them to just be present with us.  Nobody can “fix” the situation because grief is about loss.  As we walk with others in their grief, it is accepting that we cannot change the situation.  Nothing we say or do will take away the grief.  It is being able to be present and just “be.”  No action will heal the pain of loss and sadness.  In time, we learn to live in the emptiness and different life.  When I talk with others who have lost a spouse, I listen, I can relate but I do not understand how they feel because they are unique individuals and experience grief in this uniqueness.

Jesus understands our grief because he lives within our hearts and feels our pain and sadness.  He felt Mary’s pain and loss and it moved him to feeling troubled.  He wanted to take away her pain.  While in this situation, he raised Lazarus from the dead.  Though He did not raise our loved one physically from the dead, Jesus has raised our loved one to eternal life with Him in Heaven.  As Christians, we are assured of this hope, but it does not take away our grief and sadness.  We grieve with hope but we still grieve.  Jesus knows our hearts.  Connect to Jesus.  Hold His hand.  Cry with him.  Walk the journey of grief with Him.  Connect with others who grieve.  Just be present with them.

Dreams

“Jacob dreamed that there was a ladder resting on the earth and reaching up into heaven, and he saw angels of God going up and coming down the ladder.”    Genesis 28:13

A few weeks ago, I had a vivid dream about my sister-in-law, Alice who died this summer.  In the dream, I was at a camp and had to go to the bathroom.  I went into a cabin with the number “136” on it, and my brother-in-law, Don and his wife, Alice were in the cabin taking a nap.  I could see the maroon colored bedspread on the bed which was in their house when I had visited.  I saw Alice’s beautiful silver hair and she spoke in her strong voice, “Oh, come on in, that’s fine.  You are welcome here.”  Then I woke up.  I called Don the next day and shared my dream.  I have pondered on the meaning of the dream.  First of all, the cabin number is the same as their house number.  Alice’s voice was strong and she welcomed me like she always did into her home.  I never had the opportunity to say good-bye to Alice nor have we had the privilege of celebrating her life because of the pandemic.  God blessed me with the dream to be assured Alice is fine now and has a wonderful service in Heaven of welcoming people.  The dream gave me a closure to my earthly relationship with Alice.

I believe God speaks to us sometimes in our dreams like God did to Jacob in the book of Genesis.  I have had many dreams and visions with people who have died that have given me the needed closure when I was unable to say good-bye.  One morning after a dear friend died and I was unable to be with him or say good-bye, I saw him for a moment leaning against a tree in my back yard.  He nodded and then was gone.  It was my good-bye and assurance our relationship was healed, and he was fine.  Sometimes we long for a dream with our loved one and it never comes.  We desire for a moment their presence and to feel their touch and presence around us.  I have had moments where I felt the presence of my mom and dad and my husband, Dave.  It makes me smile.  I give thanks to God for those sacred moments.

Not all dreams have specific meaning or reveal the presence of a loved one or God.  Some dreams are just the mixture of thoughts or things we have heard or seen.  They have no meaning and are just a release of the random and strange thoughts that go through our minds each day.  But some dreams reveal the connection of Heaven and earth.  Just like Jacob’s dream of the ladder revealing the connection of Heaven and earth.

I believe God speaks to us in dreams because it is sometimes the only time when we are quiet or allow our world to slow down and be still before God.  In our grief, the quiet is intense with emotion and we feel the loneliness and aloneness that we try to avoid.  Other times, we long for the quiet moments when we can reflect, remember and hold onto the moments with our loved one.  In that moment between sleep and awake, it is where I have dreamed and felt the presence of my loved one.  It is when reality has not awaken and I feel my loved one with me.  I believe those are the moments Heaven touches earth and God allows us to remember and have the assurance our loved one is with God.   And because they are with God and God is with us, our loved one is with us in spirit and in memory.

No Replacement

“Therefore, if any one is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has passed away behold, the new has come.”    2 Corinthians 5:17

My mom had her knee replaced.  She had some complications but over time it healed well and became a natural part of her body.  My husband, Dave had two hip replacements, a knee replacement and his back fused with a couple rods and pins.  He set off all the alarms going through security at the airport.  Over time, each of these replacements became a part of his body and helped him walk and function daily in life without pain.  After my mom and Dave died, those replacement parts were not needed in Heaven.  Their new bodies were whole and complete in Heaven.  My current husband, Jerry, had a knee replacement almost a year ago.  It has helped him walk without pain and each day he gets stronger as the knee joint replacement becomes a natural part of his body.

While body part replacements are a natural part of life, relationships are not replaceable.  When my mom died, I had other people in my life who were “mom figures” but nobody replaced my mom in my heart.  When my grandmother died, I had many who were my “adopted Grandmas” but my Grandma remained my one special grandma.  When my husband, Dave, died, I realized the love and difference he made in my life cannot be replaced.  Each person who touches our lives has a unique connection to our hearts.  Nobody can fill that in the same way because each person is different and the love we have for each person is specific to them.

If you had a child die, I am so sorry.  Another child does not replace that child.  You have a hole in your heart for that child.  You still have that child but in a different form in your life.  That child remains the age in your heart that they died.  While we may remember them on their birthday and talk about another year older, in our hearts they never age.

If you lost a spouse and later remarried, your new spouse does not replace your former spouse.  Each marriage is distinctive.  No two relationships are the same.  I am who I am because of the influence of my husband, Dave.  Our marriage strengthened me, made me even more independent and confident and deepened my relationship with Jesus.  I am further along the path of life because of my marriage to Dave.  If I have a new relationship, it does not take away my love for Dave.  The love I have for Dave remains in my heart but now in a different form.

Nothing replaces our loved one in our lives.  A hole will always remain.  Sometimes we try to put other things or people in the hole, but nothing is enough to fill the void or hole in our hearts. In our grief journey, we recognize nothing can take the place of walking with Jesus who gives us peace and comfort on the journey.  No activity, hobby, food, sports, or earthly relationship can replace our dependency on Jesus.  He walks with us in our grief, cries with us, give to us His Spirit to be with us, and sustains us in our loneliness and sadness.  We are a new creation because of Jesus.  Life is different because of each loss.  We are different but better because we have loved and been influenced by our loved ones.

The Dash and the Date

“All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old.”  Psalm 139:16

I pulled the two boxes off my shelf and opened them.  Inside were the brochures and bulletins from hundreds of funerals.  Each time I attend visitation hours at a funeral home or attend a funeral at a church, I received a piece of paper giving the name, date of birth and death and information about the person who had died.  I have saved these over the years.  The boxes are full of more than paper.  These are memories of lives that have intersected mine for a period of time.  Each piece of paper represents a life.  Some lived a long and full life while other lives were very short in days.  Each life had a beginning – a birth, a life and then an ending date.

On each tombstone and grave marker is the date of birth and date of death, but between the dates is a dash.  A story has been written about the dash along with a song.  The dash represents the life lived.  The dash is the same length for everyone – whether on a stone or from the keys of a keyboard.  Each dash is equal.  Each life has a story and purpose.  It is not the length of time but the meaning of the life.

To the world, the life has ended at the date of death.  But to those of us who have loved the person, the love never ends and our loved one lives on in our hearts.  Our faith assures us they are more alive than ever in Heaven.  As I reflected on those I have loved and walked the journey of life with I was amazed at the length of time they had been gone from this world.  The memory of their lives was still fresh in my heart.  Time seems to lose its meaning and power when it comes to death and grief.  While the focus of grief seems to be the first year of loss as we experience all the “firsts” without our loved one, grief is not a linear time focus. 

My focus in grief has been on the dash – the life my loved ones have lived.  In grief, I talk with others about changing the focus from the dying and death to how the person lived and the difference the person has made in your life.  That is the dash of life – the meaning and purpose of our loved one’s life.  The dash is about life and influence and purpose.  The dates are about birth and death.  While few of us are present at the actual birth or even at the moment of death, we gather to celebrate the completion of a life.  Unfortunately during these past months, we have not been able to celebrate lives as we have wanted.  It has been more private and at times limited numbers.  This has delayed grief and also prevented the sharing of stories and receiving hugs and support from others in our grief.

That final date.  We know how long it has been in calendar years, but it seems just like yesterday at times.  We understand time differently and measure time based on when our loved one died.  It may be a year, five years or twenty years.  It does not matter the length of time in grief.  Our view of time has changed.  It amazes us sometimes when we realize that it has been five years since our loved one died.  It does not change the love, the meaning of their life nor the grief and loss we still feel.  The hole in our life remains.  In Heaven there is no time. 

Time is a limit of our earth.  Our loved one is in Heaven where time does not matter, therefore, in our grief time does not matter.  The distance from the earthly end date has no meaning to our grief.  It is just a recognition of the loss of their physical presence.  Our loved one has never left our hearts and grief has no regard to time.  The date just signifies the time I stopped seeing their physical body but my love and relationship and impact never ceased.

Walk With Me

“Enoch walked with God; one day Enoch could not be found, because God took him.” 

                                                                        Genesis 5:24

I enjoy walking my dog almost daily.  Some days at a park or camp and other days just around the neighborhood or field.  I usually walk in all types of weather except downpours and thunderstorms. It is a quiet time, a time of reflection as well as a time for exercise and releasing the burdens of the day.  It is a time to walk with God and talk about what is on my heart.  I have never listened to music and rarely take my phone with me because I want to disconnect for a time from the negativity of the world and focus on God’s creation and God’s presence.

Enoch walked with God.  He was so close to God that one day God just said to him, “Why don’t you come home with me.  My home is closer.”  So Enoch walked with God into Heaven.  It sounds so peaceful to walk with God.  Our faith calls us to daily walk with God.  What does that really mean?  We may not visibly see God nor is it an actual walk in the park.  It is daily living in the presence of God and knowing God is with us even when we do not see or feel God’s presence.

This is what we do in our grief journey.  Our loved one continues to walk with us in our hearts.  We no longer see them physically or even feel their constant presence, but we know they are with us in our hearts because they always have been and always will be in a different form.  This past week I visited my friend, Ray, who will turn 97 next month.  He talked with me about the people God had placed in his life as signposts along the road.  These people walked with Ray for a short moment or for a long time and influenced and guided his journey of life.  Each person helped him become who he is today.  Some helped him grow in his faith and others challenged him in his career and personal growth.  Ray believes each person was placed by God to light his path and give direction just like a signpost guides us on the highway.

A signpost along the road gives us direction and guidance.  It does not disappear after we pass it but remains to guide and direct others.  I believe those we have loved remain a signpost in our lives.  Yes, they have influenced and given us guidance on the path of life and have walked with us for part of the journey.  They continue to influence our lives even after their own journey is complete.  Each day of my life, I live out the imprint of my loved ones in my life.  I think of them when making decisions.  When I take my walks and talk with God, I feel like I am walking with my loved ones, too.  As I ran one morning, I began to think about how God walks with me.  I reached out and took Jesus by the hand and in the other hand, I held onto my Heavenly Father.  It was in that moment, I felt the presence of my mom, then Dave, my Grandma, then Ruth, Tom, and then the moment was gone.  But in those moments I realized that as God walks beside me, so do those I have loved.  God walks between us providing a distance from my loved one.  The distance is because they are now with God and it is only through God’s presence I know my loved one is with me.

As I walk closer to God like Enoch, I am more aware of my loved ones and their influence and imprint on my life.  I have the assurance they walked with God and God took them to be with Him in Heaven.  Because they are in Heaven, they are in God’s presence and God is with me.  Therefore, as God is with me so is my loved one.  I can talk with God and feel I have an audience with me of my loved ones.  Keep walking.

Remember Me

“Then Jesus took some bread, gave thanks, broke it, and gave it to the disciples, saying, “This is my body, which I am giving for you.  Do this to remember me.”    Luke 22:19

As I held the bread, the minister said the words spoken by Jesus, “Take eat, this is my body which is broken for you.  Do this in remembrance of me.”  To remember.  When we take communion or The Lord’s Supper we remember the words of Jesus and what those words mean.  The disciples did not understand until after Jesus’ death and resurrection what Jesus meant by the broken bread and poured out wine.  Jesus died on the cross.  His body was broken and his blood spilled out for our sins.  Each time we take the bread and the cup we remember Jesus’ sacrifice for our sins.  In this remembering, Jesus’ presence comes alive and anew within us.  We give thanks for his sacrifice and remember that Jesus conquered death and is alive.  Jesus’ resurrection gives us hope that when we die, it is not the end.  We, too, will live again in heaven with Jesus.

Jesus told the disciples to remember His death not His birth.  In our society, we celebrate birth, take pictures of the actual birth, and share with all friends and family the excitement of a new life.  But when death happens, we are filled with fear and even try to avoid being with people at death.  We hear the words that we want to remember them as they used to be not as they are dying.  Most of Jesus’ disciples left him as he was dying on the cross.  They were afraid for their own lives.  Afraid to face the reality of death and the loss of their hope and dreams for life with Jesus.  The disciples heard Jesus speak of his death and his resurrection.  They had no understanding of resurrection, but they knew about death and it was final to them.  They did not want to remember.

As we have walked the journey of death, it is not what we want to remember but usually our thoughts are stuck on the dying.  We go over and over in our minds how our loved one died and try to remember each detail of those last days.  In our remembering, our focus is on death.  In our faith, our remembering cannot stay at Jesus’ death.  We would be forgiven because of Jesus’ atonement for our sins, but we would have no hope if our remembrance stopped at the cross.  Yes, Jesus died, and we remember, but Jesus was resurrected and is alive and gives us the hope of Heaven.  Jesus is with us through his Holy Spirit that lives within us.  Therefore, as we remember Jesus, He becomes alive within our hearts.

I believe this is what also happens with our loved ones.  As we change our remembrances from death to how our loved one lived his/her life, they become alive within our hearts.  We remember their love, their stories, their laughter, their influence, their gifts and so much more.  The more we remember, the more they become alive in our hearts.  This remembrance gives us hope and helps us walk the journey of grief.  Our focus begins to change from stories of dying to stories of how our loved one lived life.  We begin to focus on the legacy lived and the difference their life made in our life.  We look in the mirror and see a reflection of our mom.  We do something, and think, “My dad taught me how to do that.”  We accomplish something and say a thank you to our spouse for instilling in us strength and independence.  As we keep remembering, we become stronger inwardly and become aware of all those special people who live in our hearts. 

Most of the people who have influenced my life and whom I remember, I was not around for their birth but have been present for their death.  It is because they died, I celebrate and remember their lives.  Many moments I sit and remember, and I smile and give thanks for life, death and remembrances that bring hope.  Hope that we will see each other again in Heaven. Let’s remember.

Living In The Questions

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?”  Psalm 22:1

These words were spoken by the psalmist, by Jesus on the cross and could be spoken by each one of us in our grief.  We feel forsaken. Abandoned. Rejected.  Forgotten.  We ask the question, “Why, God?”  We may cry out like the psalmist who states in verse 2 – “O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but find no rest.”  The Message version of the Bible translates these two verses – “God, my God!  Why did you dump me miles from nowhere?  Doubled up with pain. I call to God all the day long.  No answer.  Nothing.  I keep at it all night, tossing and turning.”  In our grief, we wonder where are you, God?  Why did you allow my loved one to die?  Why did you leave me all alone?  Why did I lose my beautiful life and relationship?  Just when life was getting better, this tragedy happened.  None of it makes sense.

We feel not only alone and forgotten by the people around us, but also forsaken and rejected by God, the One we thought we could depend on.  We feel God could have done something and if God really cared, God would have healed my loved one. We question whether God even cares and whether God is real.  Our thoughts and feelings are all over the place.  We cry out to God but feel our prayers fall on deaf ears.  Many times, we have no words.  We feel abandoned by the One who we believed would always be with us even if everyone else left us.  To feel forsaken and abandoned.  Jesus knows what that feels like.  On the cross, for the first time, Jesus did not feel the presence of His Heavenly Father.  The weight of sin covered Jesus and He could not see or feel His Father.  The weight of grief covers us, and we cannot feel or see God’s presence.

You may feel God is punishing you by taking away your loved one – the person who was your everything, the center of your world, your companion and helpmate on this journey.  If God really loves me, God knows I needed my loved one.  We may feel anger toward God.  Why him?  Why not me?  These are all thoughts and feelings that come with grief.  All of these feelings express a relationship with God.  We want life to be fair in our broken and fallen world, but it is not.  We want God to protect us from death and loss.  Death is part of this world.  We ask why illness, disease, and viruses.  God is the Great Healer and God could heal if He wanted to heal, so why does God choose to heal some and not others. 

None of this makes sense in our grief.  God’s ways and thoughts are greater than ours.  We will never understand why.  Even if we knew why, it still would not bring back our loved one.  That is what we really want – our loved one restored to health and in our daily life.  We have to figure out how to live in the questions.  When I was a little girl, I had lots of questions.  I would ask my mom why God created things a certain way.  She would always tell me, “When you go to bed tonight ask God that question and you would like the answer when you get to heaven.”  This helped me to let go of the need for an answer because I knew someday I would receive the answer.  I have learned to live in the questions.

In our grief, questions are never answered.  We may feel lost and alone but God never leaves us.  God is still with us when we cry out, “Why have you abandoned me?”  It is in these moments, we reach out and trust that God is beside us even when we cannot feel His presence.  We are filled with uncertainty and fear.  We question everything about life because nothing is the same.  Everything feels and looks different even our relationship with God.  Ask the questions.  Cry out to God.  Give God the questions.  Trust that God is beside you in your grief.  God comfort you and allows you to cry and feel the pain of loss.  Jesus sits besides us in our brokenness and feelings of being abandoned because He understands.  We are not alone.  The questions will not get an answer, but Jesus is the answer to life.

Reflected Glory

“The glory which you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one.”    John 17:22

I enjoy watching the sunset whether from my porch, a chair in the yard or at the beach.  Some nights the sunset is filled with brilliant colors that take your breath away, and other nights the colors are subtle with a quiet rest to the day.  One night as the sun began to set a dark cloud was around the sunset and I thought no colors would shine this evening.  But I turned around and looked in the east and the sky was a brilliant deep pink.  The sun had reflected above the darkness to bring intense colors across the sky.  This experience has happened several times over the past weeks.  I began to ponder what God was telling me each evening in the closing of the day.  The Holy Spirit has revealed within me meaning to these sunsets.

When we look at the sky and only see the darkness, it is the same with our lives.  Sometimes we only see the darkness, the loneliness, the sadness, the grief, the fear, the anger, the hurt.  We see no hope and no possible way to live and find joy in life.  When we only focus on the death and dying, all we feel and experience is darkness and despair.  The darkness and longing for our loved one will always be in our hearts.  Nothing takes that away.  We learn to live with it.  But when we change our focus and turn around, the darkness reflects the glory and presence of God and our loved one in our lives.  The darkness brings something different into our lives.  We did not choose the darkness, but it is present.  It is allowing the darkness of grief to change us and find meaning in the different. 

The word “glory” has been my word these past weeks.   I have been pondering the meaning of glory.  Throughout Scripture, God’s glory is revealed through the face of Moses, in the temple, the angels sang “Glory to God” at the birth of Jesus, and Jesus prays before his arrest that He gives to His disciples His glory.  Last night as we were watching the sun begin to set, in the sky was a “hole” between the clouds that seems to be a window into Heaven.  Jerry said, “That’s God’s glory.”  Glory is God’s physical presence revealed to us in so many ways. 

I believe Jesus gives to us His glory which is the physical reminder of His presence with us.  Jesus’ spirit – the Holy Spirit – lives within us and the glory is the outward expression and visual reminder that Jesus is with us. Because our loved one had this spirit and glory in them, I believe that glory stays here with us.  Why else would we experience such powerful physical reminders of their love and life?  For example, my husband Dave loved hawks and had the nickname “Hawk” in high school because he always kept his eye on the ball in whatever sport he played.  Whenever we traveled by car, he would spot a hawk sitting on a fence post or wire every time.  After his death, every trip I took, a hawk would be sitting on a fence post or wire like it was waiting for me. It reflected Dave’s continued presence.

Even more, God wants us to see His glory – His presence in our lives – every day.  It is these reflections that help us in our grief and give us moments.  These precious moments remind us that we are not alone, and God wants us to know He is beside us.  God gives us beauty though in our grieve, it takes awhile to again see it.  As we journey in our grief, we begin to reflect God’s glory to others who are beginning the journey.  The darkness and sadness of grief leaves a hole in our hearts and lives.  On the journey, we begin to see God’s glory and presence even in the hole.  God is with us no matter how we feel.  God shines around and through our darkness.  Someday in some way God will bring beauty out of our darkness.  Sometimes we need to turn around and focus on a new path and direction.

Reflections In Love

“We all reflect the Lord’s glory, and we are being changed to be like Him.”  2 Corinthians 3:18

As I ran on the beach in the morning, the waves continually crashed onto the shore.  Some mornings they were more gentle and other mornings the white caps of the waves were visible.  In our grief, we talk about the waves of emotions and the waves of intense grief.  At the beginning, the waves seem to crash continuously one after another with hardly a breath taken between the intensity of the waves.  Some of the waves are so powerful we are knocked down and feel the water rush over us.  We believe it is impossible to stand up and face another day, but we somehow get to our feet.  Other waves are gentle and even bring a slight smile and memory.  The waves of the ocean just as the waves of grief never stop but change in the intensity over time and moments.

As I turned around on the beach in my run and faced the sun this time, I saw the reflection of the sun on the waves.  The waves still came but the beauty of the waves changed.  They glistened in the light of the sun reflecting the light onto the white beach.  The light was bright and almost overwhelming in brilliance.  God spoke to me in this moment and I gained a new perspective of the waves and grief.  Each wave of the ocean represents the reflection of the sun.  Each wave of grief reflects a moment of love experienced from my loved ones.  The sun reflects on the waves in the same way the Son, Jesus, reflects His love and the love of my loved one constantly in my life.  It is the glory of Jesus that is reflected.  Glory is the visible sign of God’s greatness and love.  Nothing stops the waves from crashing upon the shore.  It is how God created the ocean.  God also created the waves to reflect the brilliance of the sun.

Nothing stops our grief; it keeps coming because we keep loving.   Grief is the price of love.  When the waves of grief overwhelm us all we see is the crashing wave and the pain it brings.  As we turn to face the Son, Jesus, the reflection of love becomes more evident than the loss.  This happens over time.  The waves still come, but Jesus holds us up.  As time passes though we become fearful we will forget all the details of our loved one’s life and the moments spent together.  But I have come to understand it is not the details of the events with them or the details of their physical presence that really matter, but the reflection of their love that remains in my life.

The waves hitting the beach are a part of the great ocean.  The undercurrent takes the water back into the ocean and it keeps coming back onto the shore.  As I ran through each wave, I saw each wave as the reflected love of people in my life.  Each wave represented the love I experienced in the relationships of my life. They are part of the ocean of my life and give meaning and purpose to my life.  The love is then reflected through me to others.  Love never ends and the love remains in my heart forever.  It becomes a part of who I am.

Scriptures on Worry and Anxiety

“So I tell you, don’t worry….You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.”                                                                                                     Matthew 6:25, 27 (NCV)

 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”                                                                                Matthew 6:34 (NCV)

“Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.”                                                                                                             Philippians 4:6  (NCV)

“Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you.”              I Peter 5:7 (NCV)

“So don’t worry, because I am with you.  Don’t be afraid, because I am your God.  I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”

                                                                                                                                 Isaiah 41:10  (NCV)

“I was very worried but you comforted me and made me happy.”

                                                                                                                                 Psalm 94:19 (NCV)

“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest.  Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives.  The teaching that I ask you to accept is easy; the load I give you to carry is light.”

                                                                                                                                Matthew 11:28-30 (NCV)

“If you go the wrong way – to the right or to the left – you will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the right way.  You should go this way.”                                Isaiah 30:21 (NCV)

“I am the Lord your God, who holds your right hand, and I tell you, ”Don’t be afraid.  I will help you.”                                                                                                                           Isaiah 41:13 (NCV)

“Because you are precious to me, because I give you honor and love you,…Don’t be afraid, because I am with you.”                                                                                  Isaiah 43:4-5 (NCV)     

Laid To Rest

“In the garden was a new tomb that had never been used before. The men laid Jesus in that tomb because it was nearby.” John 19:41-42

My sister-in-law was “laid to rest” this past week in Arlington National Cemetery. Her husband, Don, a retired Admiral in the Navy, will one day be laid to rest in the same grave with his dear wife. To be laid to rest - to rest from our earthly labors. We speak of the cemetery as a person’s final resting place. Our minds know that the body is an outward shell that contains the soul and spirit. The soul never dies, but upon death it leaves the body and goes to Heaven where it receives a heavenly body. We come to the cemetery knowing our loved one is not there, but we remember the final place their earthly body was laid to rest.

As a pastor, I have led the procession at the cemetery as the pallbearers carry the casket to its final resting place. I have placed my hand on the casket and said, “This body we commit to its final resting place, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord, yes, says the Spirit, they will rest from their labors for their deeds follow them.” Finality is found in these words. The body that has held the person we love no longer exists, no longer is present, no longer can be touched or held or kissed. Even knowing our loved one is now in Heaven the moment after these words are spoken are indescribable. The pain and loneliness creep in. This is truly the end as we have known the person on earth. It is final.

Jesus was laid to rest in the tomb after he died on the cross. Nicodemus and Joseph took Jesus’ body and laid it in a new tomb in the garden. Jesus was laid to rest. The disciples and those who followed Jesus were filled with deep grief, fear, sadness and had lost hope. They had believed in Jesus, believed his words, but he was dead. It was final to them. But it was not final. Jesus rose from the dead. Jesus conquered death, and because Jesus did, we have hope of eternal life. We have hope that when our loved one is laid to rest, it is not the end. Our loved one is now in Heaven and given a new body. They were laid to rest on earth but have a new life in Heaven.

In grief, another concept of being laid to rest is revealed. Our earthly body becomes tired and weary and needs rest to renew and refresh, but sometimes rest never comes. In our grief, we may lay down to rest, but our mind refuses to slow down, and complete rest is allusive. The earthly body of our loved one has been laid to rest, and in our grief we may need to lay to rest our burdens, hurts, pains, regrets, guilt, and so many other things that prolong our healing and living. We tend to hold onto things that we cannot change from the past. Forgiveness needs to be part of our grieving process. We may need to forgive our loved one for leaving us and forgive ourselves. We need to lay to rest the negative and focus on the good and positives of our loved one’s life and love. We cannot fix or control other people and how they grieve or do not grieve. We let go of dreams that will go unfulfilled with our loved one. It is recognizing we need to create new dreams in this different life we now have. We lay to rest our worries and fears and put our trust in the One who did not stay in the grave, Jesus. Jesus promises to take our load and burden and carry them for us. We need to surrender to Jesus who understands the sorrow, pain and sadness, but wants to give us life even in our sorrow and grief. Rest.

The Guilt In Grief

“Let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscious, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22

“Did I do enough?” “I should have done something different.” “If I had, he would still be here.” “If only we had tried…” These are statements made by many after the death of a loved one. If only and what if statements go through our minds. We try to figure out another way of caring for our loved one so that the outcome would be different. Our mind knows that this is not rational or possible, but our heart wants to believe it to be true because we do not want to face the reality of death. This is a type of guilt in our grief. Thinking we could have done more or been able to change the outcome if we had just worked harder, did something different, or been there more. We blame ourselves for the death because we were not good enough or smart enough or our faith was not strong enough. We know in our mind that we are not to blame, but our heart is filled with guilt. We need to blame someone and many times it is ourselves.

As we journey the path of grief, the guilt may change. We feel guilty that we are living and our loved one is not here. We feel guilty when we laugh and enjoy moments in life. We may think we are not honoring our loved one if we are not sad and crying. We feel guilt when moments go by and we did not think about our loved one. We may feel guilt when we do not talk about our loved one constantly to others. Or we do not go to cemetery as often as we used to go. We may feel we need to stay focused on our loved one’s dying and the loss and pain to remain in grief. Our heart tells us we need to feel sad and lonely to honor our loved one. Guilt can twist our grief and keep us stuck in the pain and loneliness. Reality is we honor our loved one when we live out their legacy in our lives. Their love and influence gives us the will and hope to live and honor their lives.

Another guilt in grief is when we have the desire to live and love again. The loneliness and emptiness of life is intense, and we begin to long to share life again with someone. If we have lost a spouse, this guilt of having the desire to love again seems a dishonor to our deceased spouse. We may have made a death bed promise to our spouse that we would never marry again or love anyone but him/her. We made that promise believing it to be true at the time, but now we want to live and share life again with someone. We have a desire to be happy and find joy in life, but the guilt of being unfaithful haunts our hearts. We also have guilt that others will place a judgment on us as we try to take up life again. We do not want to hurt those who have loved our spouse or loved one.

My first husband, Dave, cared for his first wife, Iris, through her cancer. As she was nearing the end of her life, Iris wanted to have the conversation with Dave that he should marry again because he was young and had more life to live. Dave did not want to have this conversation, but finally said to her, “Fine, who would you choose?” Iris chose me. She named me as the person Dave should marry. He was given the permission to marry again and not have guilt for finding love again. When Dave was in his last weeks, we began a similar conversation, but I was not ready to let him go. I told him, “I was loved by the best” and that ended the conversation. We never returned to it again. Over the next years, I remained faithful to Dave and our love.

I came to realize, though, that Dave cannot give me anymore love and I could not give anymore love to him. Our love was complete. Dave was now in Heaven with the One who is Love. He is receiving the greatest love of all - God’s love in its fullness. The love in my heart for Dave will always remain. I am who I am because of that love. And because I have loved deeply and had a marriage centered on God and His love for us, I have a foundation to build upon and to love again. Our head knows that our loved one wants us to be happy and live, but it takes time for the heart to let go of the guilt feelings. We are not replacing them. Nothing takes away from our time together and the love. It is now complete. It is part of the foundation of life, and we can build upon that love and foundation.

Guilt tells us we should not love again. Release the guilt. It is not in charge. Allow yourself to be true to who you are. Some will love again. Some will not. Either way is OK. Just be true to yourself and live the life God has given to you. It may not be what you dreamed it would be. It will be different. Different is not bad, it is just different.

Footprints In Your Heart

“When a person’s steps follow the Lord, God is pleased with his ways. If he stumbles, he will not fall, because the Lord holds his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

I officiated at my cousin, Norma’s funeral this past week. Norma loved Jesus, her family, baking pies and cookies, sports, quilting and had a joy and love for life. Her favorite poem was “Footprints in the Sand.” The poem is about a man who had a dream that he was walking along the beach. He saw scenes from his life and many times there were two sets of footprints where the Lord walked with him. At other times, only one set of footprints were visible. These were the lowest and saddest times of his life. He asked the Lord about this, and the Lord replied that these were the times He carried him. My cousin, Norma, knew that God had carried her also through the saddest and hardest times of her life. She was a widow for twenty-three years and experienced the death of parents, brothers, extended family and friends. Norma knew God was with her throughout all of life, and she made a difference in the lives of her children, grandchildren, family and friends. Norma left an imprint of love in our hearts.

I have been reflecting on the footprint people have left in my life. A footprint is something that you can see only when you look back. You cannot see your own footprint until you take a step forward and then look backward. We rarely see the impact and difference a person has made on our life until they are gone. It is then that we take the time to reflect and begin to ponder the meaning of a person’s life. When I talk with families about their loved one after death, I ask them to describe their loved one and the difference the person made in their lives. I want to hear the legacy and what will continue to live on in them because of their loved one. We learn so much from others - how to bake, fix things, farm, create, music, love for creation, how to live and how to love Jesus.

As we grieve the loss of our loved one, we begin to recognize the holes in our daily life that our loved one once filled. The intensity of grief prevents us from seeing the footprint on our heart because the sorrow and loss clouds our view behind us. As we walk the journey and the clouds and fog begin to lift in our grief, we begin to reflect on who we are because of our loved one and the difference they made in our lives. The footprint of love is all around us. We loved and we were loved. The bond of love is what held us together. When we turn around and remember, the love flows all around us like the waves on the sand.

In my journey of grief, I have reflected on those who have walked beside me on this path of life. Their love and influence have made a difference in my life. They have supported me in the joys and sorrows of life during our time together, but when they die an emptiness of love and support is in my heart. In my deepest grief, I have come to understand the “Footprints in the Sand” poem to the fullest. As I have looked back, God is the one who has carried me, held my hand, and embraced me in the deep loneliness and emptiness of life. We experience God’s love to its fullest when God comes beside us and carries us in our sorrows and pains of this life.

Take the time to be still and reflect. God is with you right now in your lowest and saddest times as you grieve the loss of your loved one. You may not be able to see God’s presence or feel that He is carrying you, but trust that God is holding you close. Someday you will be able to look back and see the footprints in the sand and know God carried you and held you close until you were able to walk beside Him. Your heart will always contain the footprint of love because love never dies. Love is what sustains us. God is love. Love and God are always with us.