The Vicissitudes of Life

Life is unpredictable no matter how much you attempt to plan and try to control.  There are ups and downs to life – mountains and valleys.  Nothing seems consistently smooth and reliable.  Changes happen without warning, and you are left to navigate these unchartered waters of life.  This is the vicissitudes of life – the challenges and fluctuating phases of life.

Change is a natural part of life.  Change happens whether or not you want it to or not.  You cannot stop change.  Your body ages.  You can exercise, eat healthy, and release your emotions, but your body will still age.  You make plans and see the goal in sight, but the unexpected may change your plans.  Change is usually inconvenient bringing a difficulty or hardship.

Change is usually viewed as negative, but change also brings good.  The changing of the seasons brings sunshine and warmth from the darkness and snow of winter.  Change occurs in one’s career as you gain more experience and knowledge and grow in your expertise and fulfillment.

Change happens as you grow out of your awkward stage of adolescence and develop your confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities.

Change is inevitable.  Life will always change.  You can accept change when it brings hope and good into your life.  But life is inconsistent and uncertain.  You endeavor to plan for the unexpected but then something you did not plan for happens.  The first step in dealing with the vicissitudes of life is to accept that things will happen that you did not want or expect.  Life has its ups and downs, and you will experience the emotional roller coaster of life, too.

Changes can seem devastating when it involves loss - death, loss of job, loss of home, loss of security.  When you experience the death of a loved one, life is never the same.  Life is different and has an emptiness in it.  It is giving yourself permission to grieve and walk through the loss and accept this different life without your loved one.  This takes time.  You will always grieve but the intensity of the grief will lessen over time.

The ups and downs of life also occur within each day.  Your mood and emotions are affected by certain people and the experiences and encounters with other people.  Some people bring you down with them, and other people build you up and enhance your life.  It is attempting to find the balance and not allowing other people’s moods sway you completely.

When life changes, it is pausing and being still for a moment.  It is praying and centering yourself on your foundation of faith. Sometimes you have to make quick decisions and react to the crisis.  It is surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family that help keep you grounded in the midst of the crisis.  You cannot prepare for everything and sometimes you need to rely on people who have walked a similar path and can give you guidance and support.

It is accepting that life is like a roller coaster ride.  It has its ups and downs.  Just start enjoying the ride knowing this is just what life is.  Life is not perfect, but it is the life you have so you either fight against the change or you accept it and look for the good in the changes.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Worried The Answer Will Change

You asked a question and received the person’s answer.  You believed them at the time, but now you are wondering if they really meant it.  Your friend told you they would take care of something for you, but you are concerned they will forget or that you are too much of a burden to them.  He said he would pick you up and take you, but as the date gets closer, you question if he will follow through.

Oh, the worries created in the head.  When you question, wonder or become concerned, it puts doubt in your mind.  You may call to make sure the person’s answer did not change.  You may go over in your head if the answer changes what you will do or say.  You have created a worry.  If the person is one you trust and has always kept their word, you are worrying without a reason.  You may have transferred to this person your lack of trust in yourself and inability to follow through.

Your worry may come from a past trauma or situation.  You trusted someone, and the person lied, hurt you, or did not keep his/her word.  The answer changed and now you worry everyone else will do the same thing.  You are living in the assumption that all people are the same and will treat you the same way.  This is not a true statement.  It is acknowledging that some people change their answer but not all people do.

Some of your worry comes from your own insecurity.  You need assurance that the person still cares about you and wants to follow through with what they promised.  You need validation that you are a person of worth to them.  You may apologize for asking for help and then believe the person thinks you are annoying or too much trouble.  You may have difficulty believing someone actually wants to be with you and help you.

In overcoming worry, it is naming what is true.  List the truth statements.  For example – “My mom has always followed through with what she says she will do.”  When you worry and doubt a person, it is reminding yourself of past situations.  Has the person done what they said?  Is the person truthful and reliable? Tear down the worry with truth statements.  You may need to write them down to remind yourself what is true.  You have people in your life whose answer never changes.  They do what they say and are reliable.

There are also people in your life whose word cannot be trusted.  They do not keep their word.  Every time you want to believe or trust them, they disappoint you.  It is accepting who they are and not setting yourself up to be let down each time.  You learn to not ask them for help, assistance, or count on them to follow through.  Yes, this is sad, but it is also your reality.

So, are you a person of your word, or does your answer change?  If you worry that someone else’s answer will change, then you have to look inward at who you are.  It is speaking the truth in love.  When you give your word, you follow through.  It is being truthful and reliable and not causing others to worry that your answer will change.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Dash and The Date

On this Memorial Day weekend, many of you will be visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the graves of your loved ones. On each tombstone and grave marker is the date of birth and date of death, but between the dates is a dash.  A story has been written about the dash along with a song.  The dash represents the life lived.  The dash is the same length for everyone – whether on a stone or from the keys of a keyboard.  Each dash is equal.  Each life has a story and purpose.  It is not the length of time but the meaning of the life.

To the world, the life has ended at the date of death.  But to those who have loved the person, the love never ends and lives on in the heart.  The memory of their lives remains fresh and alive. Time seems to lose its meaning and power when it comes to death and grief.  While the focus of grief seems to be the first year of loss as one experiences all the “firsts” without the loved one, grief is not a linear time focus.  Grief continues throughout life and is triggered when you experience something and want to share it with them or need their guidance and presence.  Grief becomes interwoven into life and one learns to live with it and also live into life.

The focus in grief is on the dash – the life your loved ones have lived.  It is changing the focus from the dying and death to how the person lived and the difference the person has made in your life.  That is the dash of life – the meaning and purpose of your loved one’s life.  The dash is about life and influence and purpose.  The dates are about birth and death.  While few people are present at the actual birth or even at the moment of death, you gather to celebrate the completion of a life.  You cannot add more memories, but the memories can sustain you.  When you look at the grave marker, it is knowing the person lived and walked this earth.

That final date.  You know how long it has been in calendar years, but it seems just like yesterday at times.  You understand time differently and measure time based on when your loved one died.  It may be a year, five years or twenty years.  It does not matter the length of time in grief.  Your view of time has changed.  It is amazing sometimes when you realize that it has been ten years since your loved one died.  It does not change the love, the meaning of their life nor the grief and loss you still feel.  The hole in your life remains.  In Heaven there is no time.  Time is a limit of the earth.  Your loved one is in Heaven where time does not matter, therefore, in your grief time does not matter.  The distance from the earthly end date has no meaning to your grief.  It is just a recognition of the loss of their physical presence.  Your loved one has never left your heart and grief has no regard to time.  The date just signifies the time you stopped seeing their physical body but their love and relationship and impact never ceased.

Take a walk through the cemetery this Memorial Day weekend.  Remember those who have come before you.  Give thanks for their life and legacy.  Pray for the families who grieve and whose grief is raw and new and full of questions and shock.  Remember the dash of life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Negative Head Space

You have a plan.  You are ready to accomplish the plan and it feels good to be able to complete a task or project.  Then, someone or something disrupts the plan.  You are caught off guard and do not know how to deal with the change.  If you could complete your plan then you would be happy and content and enjoy the day.  But now, life has changed and you go down the negative road in your head.  You cannot do anything now but focus on the disappointment.

Negative Head Space.  Everyone has it.  Some are able to put a stop sign on the road and prevent themselves from living in that space.  It is off limits to dwell there.  You know it is there because negativity is all around in this broken and fallen world.  You are choosing not to live in negativity.  You visit it from time to time, but you turn around and go in the opposite direction.

Some people fall into the negative head space and have no idea how to remove themselves from it.  It feeds the “worst case scenario” view of life.  You begin to plan for what could go wrong and live in the constant fear of what could happen if you do not plan for it to happen. Planning is the way to control. You only plan for all that could go wrong, but rarely plan for a good outcome.

Your brain contains millions of thoughts.  Some are fleeting and zoom through your head at rapid speeds never affecting your day to day.  Other thoughts stagnate and create a deep rut of negativity, fear, and anxiety.  You get stuck on what could happen, what you should have done, what you said wrong, why someone looked at you that way, and on and on down the slippery slope of doom and gloom.

Thoughts control your behavior and how you react to others.  When these thoughts are negative, your words express nothing positive or hopeful.  You see the wrong in the world and in life and do not see much good around you.  You are always looking for what others have done wrong and develop a victim mentality.  Something bad always happens to you.

The reality is that something good always happens to you, too, if you look for it.  There is good all around you and even in your head if you allow it to be your focus.  The key is not giving negative head space all the room nor feeding it by dwelling on it and adding to the thoughts.  Starve the negativity.  Keep replacing the space with what is good and healthy.

Negative head space may have become more familiar and an easy space to slip into when life feels intense.  It is being intentional where you live in your head.  Just because it is familiar does not make it healthy.  Acknowledge to yourself that there are negative thoughts in a situation, but that is just one side of the situation.  There are other options.  It is retraining your brain to see other possibilities.  It is getting off the narrow road of negativity and allowing alternative plans to be considered.

Sometimes the negative head space is just you not getting your way or being upset someone else had a better idea.  It is slowing down your thoughts and not jumping quickly down the doom and gloom road.  It is being open to different ideas and looking for good in the changed plans.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Always Hear A Tone

“Don’t use that tone with me.”  You have probably said this statement to a child, grandchild, student, spouse, or friend.  The tone of your voice may trigger a negative reaction.  The words communicate content, while tone expresses the feelings of what is spoken or written.  A tone of a person refers to the attitude, feeling or emotion conveyed through speech or written word.  The person hearing or reading makes a judgment on what is beneath the statement.  One’s tone can be perceived as positive or negative.  It is usually the negative tone that creates a reactive response.

A tone is negative when it is believed to be sarcastic, critical, or angry.  Feelings come out in your words and raised voice.  It may become a natural response and one does not recognize a specific tone.  The one who receives the words, hears something that may not have been intended but is based on past experiences or traumas.  The one hearing the tone may react by shutting down and becoming silent or becoming reactive and raise his/her voice in response and to defend against the tone perceived.

So, what is your normal tone?  Some people have an attitude that conveys they are always irritated and upset and you feel like you have bothered them.  They may give short answers that reveal their mood.  Other people have a tone that expresses joy and excitement in life.  It feels like their speech almost sings with happiness.  Nothing seems to bother them.  Some people have more of a monotone – neutral in inflection and emotion and basically goes with the flow and keep emotions from being heard in their words.

In disagreements, the tone of one’s voice tends to convey more meaning than the actual words.  It is the emotion behind the words that influences how the message is perceived.  Tone is more difficult to regulate than the choice of words especially in a tense situation.  When beginning a conversation, the tone of one’s voice influences the outcome of the situation.  When one begins with a harsh tone of accusation, it will most likely turn into an argument or verbal fight.

You can say the same phrase with different tones and receive different reactions. For instance, the phrase “It’s fine.”  If spoken in a calm, warm tone conveys reassurance and acceptance.  If spoke in a tense, flat tone, it may express frustration or disappointment.  Some people have a high-pitched tone that conveys excitement or one is about to explode verbally. 

Your tone also affects your credibility and trustworthiness.  If your tone is more steady and clear others tend to listen and hear what you are saying.  When your tone is emotionally charged, sharp, high pitched or harsh, people are reluctant to listen and trust you.

Let’s work on awareness of tone.  It will help you during emotionally charged conversations.  Slow your speech, soften your pitch and keep your voice at a steady pace.  By doing so, you can reduce conversations from escalating into arguments.  You can therefore, help to prevent others from misunderstanding what you are saying because they are not focused on your delivery.

The first step, is to become more aware of your own tone.  Listen to yourself when you speak.  Ask those around you that you trust to give you an honest answer how they perceive your tone.  What tone do you want to convey to others in your conversations?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Fear of Bad Outcomes

You saw that coming, but they did not ask for your help or advice.  You could have saved them from the consequences they are experiencing, but they did not listen to your guidance.  They said it would be fine, but you knew it would not work and it did not work.  You saw the big picture, but they only saw the immediate reward. 

You may have the ability to step back in situations, evaluate what is happening, and be able to guide people through the chaos and obstacles.  You look at all the options and determine what would work best in the current situation and have lasting positive results.  Unfortunately, people do not want to take your recommendations.  Those around you have created your fear of bad outcomes because every time they do not listen to you or ask for guidance, their decisions create problems and turmoil.  You want to protect and guide, but you are helpless.

You want to fix situations and prevent others for going down a path of doom.  But some people have to experience failure and mistakes so that they can learn and grow on their own.  It is not failure if you learn from it and move forward.  You witness people repeating the same mistakes over and over and having the same bad outcome.  Or you see where the situation will take the person and want to guide in another direction.  The person sees you as controlling and selfish while you see yourself as protective and preventive.

There are people in your life that you are just waiting for their next mess up and bad results from the choices they are making.  You chase after them attempting to save them from the inevitable.   You are tired of having to clean up the mess and suffer the consequences of their actions.  It is difficult to trust them. Your anxiety and worry become heightened as you wait.

So, what do you do?  You cannot protect adults from their own decisions.  You can advise, provide support and information, but in reality, it is their decision to make.  You know it will affect you eventually, or you will have to clean up the mess.  Maybe it is time not to clean up the mess.  Sometimes, you need to step away and let people experience the consequences of their own decisions and not rescue them.  This may seem harsh, but some people need to learn the hard way.

You cannot fix every person and situation.  That is exhausting and also impossible.  You expect those around you to grow up, learn from their mistakes, and take expert and knowledgeable advice.  You may have the insight but you cannot force it upon others.  You can pray for them.  Ask if they need assistance, and if they deny your help, release them.  You cannot force someone to see your perspective.

Change your focus.  You care and love others, but you cannot save them from what you believe will become a bad outcome.  You are only exhausting yourself as you attempt to make everyone else’s life good at your expense.  You can protect to a point but then you need to release responsibility.  Keep praying and caring but sometimes it needs to be at a distance as they figure out life.  Focus on your own life and ways to give to others in positive ways.  Set healthy boundaries and pray about what your role and responsibility is in situations.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Protect Your Peace

The news is a constant stream of negativity detailing all that is bad in the world.  It creates fear for your safety and security.  Social media is filled with arguments and disagreements with people giving their opinion and if you disagree, they immediately are negative and condescending.  You hear people argue down the street or you hear the gossip about a couple’s marriage.  Everywhere you go, there seems to be chaos.

Where do you find peace?  The world will not give you peace.  You need to protect it for yourself.  Turn off your TV for awhile and put down your phone.  Disconnect from social media.  Give yourself a mental rest.  Play with your children or grandchildren.  Take a walk with your dog.  Listen to music and sing.  Pray and worship where you find true peace.

Here are some ways to protect your peace.  It is realizing not every disagreement or argument needs a response.  Your voice will not be heard when someone is arguing loudly.  All the person wants is to expound upon his/her view.  So to protect your peace, do not engage on social media.  Do not respond hoping the other person will understand your point of view in that heightened state of mind.  Step away.

Not every insult needs your response either.  Do not go down into the mud with the person.  The insult or rude comment hurt you, but do not retaliate and be just like that person.  You will say something you will regret or is not who you really are.  Take a deep breath.  Say a prayer in your head.  Tell the person, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Walk away.  Protect your personal peace.

Not everyone deserves unlimited access to you and your emotions.  Just because your phone rings or you receive a text, you do not need to respond immediately.  To be respectful and polite, you may send a text – “I will talk with you later.”  You do not need to answer everyone’s questions or share what is going on in your life.  Protect your inner peace and your personal space and life.

Protect your peace from drama, negativity, and people who drain you emotionally.  It is setting boundaries by defining what you will not tolerate or allow in your life. This involves setting priorities of where you spend your time and energy.  You are the only one who makes yourself a priority.  Make peace a priority.  Your peace begins when you let go of negative relationships, environments, and arguments that you will never win or be heard.

Begin to understand your limits, what triggers your emotions, fears, and anxieties. Awareness of what drains the life and the joy out of your soul is a major step in protecting your inner peace.  When you are peaceful and content, you enjoy life and yourself and genuinely care for others.  It is creating calming routines, nurturing healthy relationships, and listening to your own needs.  You give yourself permission to rest physically and mentally from the noise and chaos and also declutter your mind and physical space.

You may not be able to change the circumstances around you, but you need not let your circumstances control or steal your inner peace.  Find things to bring calmness to your soul.  Focus on the good.  Peace is an inner contentment even in the midst of the chaos.  It is centering yourself on what is and who is most important. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Pieces of Peace

My dog, Annie was saved from an animal shelter by Pati and the rescue group in which she volunteered. Pati had mainly large dogs in her barn when she adopted Annie from the dog pound.  Pati felt sorry for this little six-month-old beagle puppy and would bring her into her home during the day.  Pati protected Annie from all the other dogs. It was with Pati that Annie first felt loved and received human touch.  Pati gave her a little piece of love and hope.

In Pati’s last weeks on earth before her cancer took her to Heaven, her husband, Bob, read my latest book to her – Live Different Moments. She was so touched by the stories of Annie.  It gave her and her family comfort.  Annie gave a piece of love and comfort back to Pati.  Pati gave Annie hope and saved her life, and because of Pati’s selfless love, Annie gave love to me, my family, and all those she came into contact with as a therapy dog.

Annie received a peaceful and contented life with me.  She lived life fully and completely and enjoyed the moments of life.  She saved me in my grief and gave me purpose and a will to keep going.  Annie was a piece of Pati’s last days too.  It was through her life and Pati’s deep faith, that she found peace to let go and be received into the arms of Jesus.

A piece.  It is a small part of the whole.  Just like pieces of a puzzle – need all of them to make the picture complete.  We may play a small role in another person’s life or a dog’s life, and we may feel it is not much or has much value or purpose in the whole scheme of life.  It is necessary to complete the life and to add value.  It is being willing to accept our role and live out our purpose at that moment.

Sometimes, it feels like we fall to pieces. We do not have the ability to cope with our current situation. Our mind seems scattered and unable to think clearly.  It is difficult to control our emotions or even name them.  When life falls apart, it feels like you are unable to function.  Nothing is the same nor will it ever be.  When an object falls to pieces, we usually throw it away.  If we try to repair it, the cracks may still show where it was pieced together. 

When our world seems to be in pieces, allow yourself to fall to pieces and experience the emotions.  Life hurts and bad things happen.  We hurt, we grieve, we feel the loss of loved ones, and our heart feels torn to pieces.  Life may never be the same again.  It will be different and feel different.  There will be rough patches as we attempt to find a new life.  You cannot put it back together like it was.  It is going to be different. 

In a puzzle, you have to take one piece at a time and slowly it comes together.  In life, you need to focus on what is in front of you.  One step at a time and slowly create a different life.  You need to trust that the One who created us can help put the pieces of our broken lives together.

God brings healing to the broken pieces of our hearts.  God will show us peace. Peace is knowing God is with us. Peace is the assurance God will never leave us.  Peace brings a contentment to life even in the midst of chaos and brokenness. Trust God to bring peace in your pieces.

Written in memory of my dog, Annie, who crossed the rainbow bridge three years ago – April 7, 2023.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine’s book – Live Different Moments – is available at Tea Story in Upper, on Amazon or directly from Elaine.

The Underbrush of Life

The underbrush in the wooded areas is beginning to bud and turn green.  The trees above them are still bare so the sunlight can penetrate through them and shine on the plants below.  The underbrush is what is beneath the huge trees and closest to the ground.  It grows first in the Spring and is the last to lose its color in the Fall.

Life has underbrush in many ways.  Sometimes the focus is only on the outward appearance – what one can see – and ignores the beauty and depth underneath.  Sometimes the focus is on the busyness of life not on what is inside the heart.  One can miss the beauty of the situation or the person when there is only an outward focus.

When reflecting on the underbrush, the word underlying comes to mind, too.  Underlying is something implied though not directly expressed.  It lies beneath and is not obvious, but it can be the cause of the issue or situation.  Underlying is asking, “What is causing me to feel this way?”  “Why am I angry, sad, afraid?”  “Why is he acting like that or why is she crying?”  When we have a stomach ache, we ask ourselves, “What did I eat that may have upset it?  Or am I worried and upset about something that is affecting my stomach?”  This is how you interpret underlying in your daily lives. It is not something you immediately are aware of but it can cause how you are feeling and experiencing life.

The underlying cause of sadness and anxiety may be the loss of the person who brought joy and security to life.  You appear to function outwardly but inwardly hidden in the underbrush you are overwhelmed and do not know how to take steps into this different life.  You attempt living in the moment but underneath it may feel fake and empty.  When you feel like something is different or you are not quite your normal self, begin to process what is going on inside.  Search for what may bother, irritate, or what has changed, and what is the cause or root of these different feelings.  It is admitting that you feel this way because of this underlying issue or feeling.  Then it is talking it out with yourself, praying it out, or sharing with a friend.

As you think about your life and how you feel, there is something underlying that may be keeping you from finding peace and contentment in what you now have.  You may name it anxiety or fear.  But what is causing this anxiety and fear to flood your thoughts and feelings?  Sometimes with fear it is not wanting to be alone and afraid this is how life will always be.  It may be the loss of your safety and security.  Life did not turn out like you had expected which is the cause of your negativity, fear, or anxiousness.

You may go too far out in planning and figuring out what will happen.  The underlying cause of anxiety is focusing too far into the future and trying to fix and plan for every possible scenario.  It is worrying about everything and believing if you worry about it, you can prevent the bad from happening.  This is what is feeding the anxiety and fear.  It is bringing yourself back to the present, looking around you, and finding fulfillment in these moments.

It is staying more in the present.  It is acknowledging where these feelings come from and releasing their control.  See the beauty of the underbrush and learn from it.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Walking The Road To Easter

Christmas seems like a distant memory. It was festive with the Fantasy of Lights, the Home for the Holidays parade and celebrations with family dinners and the giving of gifts.  The season was filled with joy, hope, peace, and love as the Advent candles were lighted and words spoken about the coming of Emmanuel.  The decorations were packed away, and you weathered through the cold and snow of the winter.  Now Spring is here, and it is time to celebrate Easter.

The journey to Easter begins in a manger – a simple wooden trough where animals eat. A humble place for the Savior of the world to be born.  The lowliest of society – shepherds – were invited to witness the birth.  The star led the wise men to the Savior who is the light of the world.  But that is not the end to the story.  Jesus is not put away with the nativity set until next Christmas season.

The journey continues.

The season of Lent is the forty days (not including Sundays) before Easter.  It has been a time of prayer, fasting, and repentance. Many people give up something during the season to remind them of the sacrifice Jesus made for on the cross.

Easter is tomorrow.  So, what does Easter mean to you?  It may be a family time with a meal and an Easter egg hunt for the children.  It may mean the start of your vacation or knowing Spring is here.  Easter may mean great candy in the stores.  You may be numb to Easter and see it as just another Sunday.  It may be a Sunday you go to Church because you are expected to go.  It’s Easter.

The journey that began at the manger, goes through the cross and ends with the empty tomb.  These are the Christian symbols for the journey.  The manger represents the birth of Jesus.  God becoming flesh and being born as a baby.  God coming to be with us.  The baby, Jesus, grows up and begins a ministry by choosing twelve disciples.  Jesus’ journey is recorded in the Bible in the four Gospels – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  Jesus is a teacher and a healer.  For some people, that is all they know and that’s enough.

But the journey is not complete, and it is not enough.  God had a greater purpose and plan.  The world is fallen, broken, and sinful.  God is a righteous and just God who is also loving and merciful.  There needed to be a perfect sacrifice to make humanity right before God.  God became human to pay the penalty for sin that humanity could not pay.  The journey goes through Good Friday.  Jesus died on the cross for the sins of all humanity.  The sins of the world were nailed to the cross, and through Jesus’ death, all humanity is granted forgiveness when they accept the gift of grace and mercy.  Jesus dies, but that is not the end of the journey.

Easter is Resurrection Sunday.  The tomb is empty.  Jesus conquered death and the separation of humanity from God.  Jesus is the bridge.  Easter is the celebration of Jesus being alive.  He walked out of the tomb.  There is victory over sin and death through the resurrection of Jesus.  The journey is not over, because of this victory, humanity has the hope of eternal life in Heaven with Jesus.  This is not the end. It is part of the journey home.  Easter gives the hope of new life in Jesus. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Lost in the Mire of the Dire

He pulled into the garage and scraped his vehicle on the garbage can leaving a scratch on the side of the vehicle.  She thinks if she surrenders trying to control everything something bad will happen because when she gives up control bad things always happen.  He messed up again and wondered why he could not do everything right.  She tried to take care of all the details but forgot something which would have made the day so much better.  She made the chili and when she put the chili powder in, too much came out.  How do you make it less spicy?  Oh, the bad things that keep happening.  Getting lost in the mire of bad.

Oh, you could go on and on with examples of the bad things that happen in daily life.  Usually not life altering circumstances every time.  Just mess ups and frustrating actions that influence the attitude toward the day.  It is distressing to experience the consequences of the lack of thought and focus that lead to less than perfect days.  You mess up. You make mistakes.  You do things wrong.  Life does not turn out like you had hoped and planned.  Then the focus becomes on all that went wrong and you become upset for not paying closer attention or not being smart enough to prevent the problem or bad outcome.

You get stuck in the mire – the distress or even embarrassment of what you did or did not do.  You have a difficult time letting go of your mistakes or situations that were not handled well.  You may ask God to forgive you, but there is no forgiveness of yourself for not being perfect.  You develop a view of not being good enough and feel you always mess up.

Other times you focus on the bad and pile up the negative incidents and events.  Soon all you see is the mire of constant distress.  You ask, “Why do bad things keep happening to me?  When will I get a break?”  Stop putting it all together and ruining the entire day.  When something happens that irritates and frustrates or was just bad, tell yourself that was just one incident.  Oh, well, it happened.  You cannot change it, but it does not have to destroy your mood for the day.  Release it.

When all you see are the problems, hurts, sadness, and negativity of life, you get pulled into the mire. You are stuck in a place that seems hopeless and impossible to navigate.  You are cast down without someone or something to pull you out of the mud that keeps you going in circles and making no progress.

Begin looking up and changing your focus.  Yes, life messes up.  Mistakes are made.  People hurt people and make accusations.  You are judged unfairly.  You do things without thinking them through and live out the consequences.

Life changes.  Circumstances happen that are out of your control.  It is accepting that life happens and how you handle it is up to you.  You can remain stuck in the pain and anger.  Or you can talk with God and get out the anger, frustration, and hurt and release it.  Be still.  Breathe in and breathe out your feelings.  Be calm and focus on what is good and count your blessings.

No easy task to change a pattern of life but it sure is worth it.  Situations and people need not control your life.  Sure, it creeps in at times, but then you need to surrender it.  Focus on the beauty of God’s creation, and look up more.  Look for angel wings in the clouds, the beauty of the blue sky, the trees, and feel the refreshing breeze.  Slow down instead of getting caught up in the things that have no eternal value.  The mire of life is not dire.  Not urgent, awful or terrible.  Not all of it anyway.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Smack Dab in The Memories

Memories.  They come at unexpected times and randomly.  Certain locations and places where you have had experiences in the past bring back memories.  These memories become alive and vivid within when triggered by being smack dab in the actual place or a similar experience or feeling.  Smack dab means to be exactly in that place.  Right at the moment to be precisely present.  It is to be in the middle of.

But what if you find yourself “smack dab” in the middle of a place or situation that triggers a memory of pain or trauma?  You go to the hospital to visit someone, and you are smack dab into the memory of the death of your spouse and those intense emotions.  You go to the nursing home, and you remember your dear friend being in the same place.  Your mind goes back to that moment in the past and you relive the experience and the loss. 

You find yourself smack dab in the midst of the pain, hurt, sadness, and a terrible day.  Do you give in to the emotions and throw the whole day away?  Memory is a gift from God.  We enjoy the happy and pleasant memories and try to let the bad memories fade. It is giving yourself permission to feel the hurt and sadness and pain but not to stay in it.

So you may be smack dab in emotions you do not want to feel again.  You feel the loss, sadness, grief, changes, and a different chapter of life. You are smack dab in the midst of today.  What if you gave today a chance and you focused on the good of today?  The blessings instead of the mess.  You trust more and worried less.  You find something that makes you smile.  You give yourself permission to experience the memories and are grateful for the adventures and the relationships. You focus on the good of the people in the memories not on the loss and grief.

Sometimes you may prefer being anywhere else than where you currently are physically and emotionally.  The past memories seem to be better and less stressful than your current situation.  Memories remind you that you survived the struggles of the past, and you will walk through your present pain and conflict.  You are not alone.  Look to your past and recognize those who walked with you and how your faith carried you.

You may feel smack dab in the middle of the mess of life right now.  Slow down.  Take some deep breaths.  Recognize what is good around you, and name those who can be of support and care to you.  Ask for help when needed. Release the need to figure it all out and to control the situation. 

Focus on the good of being smack dab where your feet are.  That is, smack dab in the middle of your current situation and life.  Focus on the now, not just the tasks and list of things you need to do.  Find a moment to just rest smack dab where you are and breathe in and out.  Slow yourself down and recognize the blessings around you.  Be grateful for what you have, not what you don’t have.  Look up and focus on the One who created the world.  Give life a chance.  It may not be what you wanted it to be, but it is the life you currently have.  Live smack dab into it.  Allow the memories to be your foundation to live fully now.  Memories are stepping stones into the present.  All you have is today, this very moment.  Change your focus from all that is wrong, to what is good.  Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to others.  When you do something good for someone else, it fills you up.  It gives your life meaning right now.  It was your purpose for being smack dab where you are.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Living Life Forward

Life changes no matter how much you try to control it and keep it the same.  When you experience change, loss, a new chapter or season of life, anxiety or fear, it is difficult to stay focused on the present and live in the moment.  Sometimes all you do is barely exist and take care of the necessities of life.  You try to hold on.

How do you survive and take steps into this different life?  First, you remind yourself of your foundation – what you build you life upon and what holds you up when life falls apart.  The foundation reminds you that you cannot sink beneath it.  It is what grounds you in life and keeps you from completely falling apart.  It is your faith, your relationships, your standards, and how you deal with change.  It is a belief in yourself and the ability to forgive and let go.

In order to live life forward, you need to deal with stress, anxiety, and fear.  They can have a stranglehold upon you, and you feel powerless to take any steps forward.  All you feel and see is overwhelming and exhausting.  You fear what might happen and believe all the possibilities of what could go wrong so you stand motionless and afraid to do anything.  It is being able to develop healthy coping skills to overcome anxiety and fear and live by faith and trust.

The past tends to take control of your thoughts.  It is releasing the control of the past and living in forgiveness.  You celebrate the memories and give thanks for the blessings and the challenges of life.  You focus on what you experienced and the love that never dies.  Love just takes a different form in your heart.  The past is the past.  It becomes part of your foundation.  You cannot change or alter anything from the past.  It is accepting it, celebrating the good, letting go of the failures and hurts, and learning from the mistakes. 

To live in the present, you need to find meaning and purpose in the life that is in front of you.  Find new opportunities and new adventures.  It is not filling your life with tasks and a “to do” list.  Tasks are necessary, but if they are your only focus, you will fall into a rut and be filled with anger and resentment.  You get lost in the muck and mire of life and feel stuck.  You lose your joy for life.

Change your focus.  Get to know and accept who you are now in this season of life.  Live in front of you.  Anxiety and worry are more future focused – what might happen and what if it happens.  When you are filled with anxiety and worry, you do not enjoy the moments in front of you.  Begin to simplify your life.  What is really important and necessary?  What can you let go of and not be controlled by possessions and worldly things?

All of these ideas and more will be explored in the seminar – “Living Life Forward.”  There will be practical coping skills shared that will help you live more fully in the life you now have.

Next Saturday, March 21st, Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward.”  Everyone is invited especially those of you facing loss, changes in life, grief, stress, anxiety, or for you, life has lost its meaning and purpose and you want more.  The seminar will take place at Trinity Evangelical Church – 108 Malabar Drive, Upper Sandusky from 9 AM to 12 PM.  There is no fee to attend.  You can register (just so have enough handouts) by calling the church office – 419-294-1535.  If you forget to register, you can still come.  Elaine’s books will be available.

Your Modus Operandi

You may be left-handed and complete tasks and do things a little differently than the majority of people who are right-handed.  For example, you may tie your shoestrings differently, hang towels with the open side on the left not the right side or place cups in the cabinet with the handle on the left.  You may also have ways of doing tasks that are unique and have nothing to do with which hand is dominant.  For instance, shoes need to be straight and together on the floor or on a shoe rack.  Laundry needs to be done and put away before going to work or leaving the house in the morning.

Each person has certain quirks or ways of doing something.  It is your modus operandi. It is a particular way or special method of doing something that is characteristic of you and well established.  It is who you are.  You have probably said and heard others say, “That’s just who I am.”  Some of the methods are learned behaviors from the environment while other things are just unique to the individual.  It is the way God makes each person – unique with different qualities.

So, what is your modus operandi when life changes unexpectantly?  When bad things happen to you or those around you?  When conflict happens? When someone is negative and wrongs you?  What is your established behavior and way of responding when life is not what you want or desire?  Do you blow up, fall apart, blame others, retreat, or deal with it differently?

For some people, it is a take charge attitude and an attempt to control the situation.  They try to fix it and become angry that it happened.  They cannot trust anyone, so they take control to protect themselves from being hurt again.  They have defined life so that they need to be vigilant and dominate the situation or life will fall apart, wound, or treat you badly.  Nobody is going to take care of you, so you have to do it yourself.

For others, your modus operandi is to be afraid and worry when life changes.  Fear is in control.  Your anxiety escalates with every change.  You attempt to plan for everything that could happen and feel overwhelmed with all the possibilities.  You live in this heightened state most days assuming you are just an anxious person. 

Others of you operate out of an escape concept.  When life gets difficult and changes occur, you shut down and escape to what is familiar and comfortable.  It may be a habit of zoning out with TV, social media, games, food, drinking, or sleeping.  You do not like change, and therefore you do not want to face it.  You let someone else take charge and you just try to live oblivious to life.

You may be one that when faced with hurt and hardship and the tragedies of life, you just stay busy.  You will just work your way through it.  Not think about it but stay busy with work and the details of daily life.  If you work hard enough, you can avoid it, or it will just go away.

Most of the modus operandi concepts mentioned are well established but never really satisfy or create a sense of peace about the changes in life.  All the ones mentioned are based on trying to fix, work or do it on your own.  Others just keep you stuck, afraid, and going in circles.

It is recognizing how you were made and embrace who you are.  Nobody is perfect nor will you handle every situation correctly or with grace.  It is establishing a healthy modus operandi.  It is releasing anxiety, fear and the need to control.  It is depending on One greater than yourself and praying each day for guidance.  It is seeking peace and contentment in life and not allowing the world to define you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward” on Saturday, March 21st from 9 AM to 12 pm at Trinity Evangelical Church on Malabar Drive in Upper Sandusky.  Everyone is welcome.

Living Intentionally

“I was going to eat healthier this year, but…” “I was going to keep the house clean and organized, but….”  You had good intentions, but no follow through.  The concept was good and you were motivated when you made the decision, but it is difficult to change the rut you are in.  To be intentional is to be deliberate with purpose and to have a plan.  You make choices that follow your values, beliefs, and goals when you are intentional.  You put thought into what you are doing and are mindful of your triggers and stumbling blocks. 

When you are living intentionally, you have focus and take action.  You create meaning and purpose to your life.  You are proactive instead of just letting things happen by accident.  When you lack focus, things that are not a priority or of importance tend to grab your attention and occupy your time.  You get lost and let life just happen around you.  Things pile up and overwhelm you because you did not intentionally decide your priorities and set a schedule and routine to complete these priorities.  You did not take ownership of your life but let society and circumstances create your life.

Let’s be intentional.  First, with your time.  You check your phone or watch mindless TV or scroll social media and get lost for hours without realizing it.  You lost those hours on something that brought no fulfillment or purpose, and guilt takes over.  It is beginning to set limits on things that are not essential and choosing where you spend your time.  What is important to you?  Choose to invest your time and energy in what matters most to you – what you value.

Be intentional in relationships.  When you say a person is important to you, make time for that person.  Be proactive and set a time to be together.  When you say, “I’m busy and don’t have time to get together” you have made stuff and tasks more important than relationships.

Life will pull you in all directions and influence you.  You need to make choices for yourself based on what you want in life, where your priorities are, who is important to you, and where you place your loyalties and values.  Be intentional in what you put in your head.  Set boundaries in movies, social media, what you read and listen to. 

If you want to live a healthier lifestyle, you need to be intentional in your choices.  It is choosing healthier food to bring into your home, healthier choices on the menu at a restaurant.  It is choosing daily movement and including it in your daily routine.  It is not deciding if you will, but just accepting movement and exercise as part of who you are daily.

Be intentional in your faith.  If you want to grow spiritually, you need to live your faith daily and be intentional in trusting God daily and not worrying about what might happen.  If you just let things happen, you will not focus on what will bring peace and contentment in your life.  You will only do what gets your attention – which is usually what is loudest and easiest.

If you want to acquire a new hobby or talent, you need to be intentional in setting aside time to learn and do it.  Make it a priority to write, draw, paint, play a sport or whatever will bring you enjoyment otherwise you will fill the time with things that eat up your time but have no value.

In being intentional, you will need discipline and accountability.  Be intentional – think before you speak, follow through on your commitments, be present in the moment, be intentional in your choices.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward” on Saturday, March 21st from 9 AM to 12 pm at Trinity Evangelical Church on Malabar Drive in Upper Sandusky.  Everyone is welcome.

Are You Emotionally Well Hydrated?

You may be constantly reminded to stay hydrated and drink plenty of water daily.  Pop and alcohol do not count.  This will help maintain a healthy body and keep you from passing out and becoming dehydrated.  It is good to listen to your body and keep it well hydrated.  Water helps to purify your system and cleanse your body.  Water washes the outward part of your body and also cleanses the organs and hydrates your system. 

You can become emotionally depleted, too.  You try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and feel it is your responsibility to fix and make everyone happy within your circle.  You stuff down your feelings and never share what is going on with anyone else because you think nobody will listen to you.  You accept the negativity around you as normal and live in a constant state of chaos and turmoil.  You are exhausted.  You feel that nobody cares.  You believe nobody knows you exist until you forget to do something they expected you to do.  You are drained, anxious, and feel unfulfilled in your life.

It is time to emotionally hydrate.  It is not as simple as drinking a glass or two of water, but it is as intentional.  It is recognizing what you need, what will fill you up and help you maintain a healthy emotional system.

Everyone needs words of affirmation.  Words that build up and validate you as a person.  The words need to be authentic and genuine.  It is surrounding yourself with people who are affirming and not tearing your down with a negative attitude.  To be validated means you have a sense of worth and purpose.  It is being listened to and accepted for your opinion, beliefs and values.

To listen is one of the highest forms of intimacy and respect.  When someone listens to you, they want to know you and have chosen you in that moment.  You become the most important person in the moment and all their attention is on you.  Listening is more than hearing words.  It is listening to body language, paying attention to movement, listening to the emotion of the words and truly seeing you. 

Real listening is choosing the other person and drawing them closer into your thoughts and reflections.  It is feeling heard and feeling loved.  When you feel loved, heard, and accepted you are being emotionally hydrated and then can share your emotions and feelings without judgment. 

To be emotionally hydrated involves self-care.  It is being proactive in replenishing your emotional energy.  It is taking time for yourself and giving yourself permission to rest and engaging in activities that restore and revive your soul.  It is finding balance in your life.  Remember, it is not selfish to take care of yourself.  You are the only one who makes yourself a priority.  You cannot care for others if you do not first take care of yourself.  Put good things into your mind and spirit.  Fill your thoughts with positive words.

Emotionally hydrating yourself includes rest.  Yes, physical rest is where you begin, but it is resting your thoughts.  Give yourself a break from reminding yourself all that you need to do and complete the day.  Be grateful for what you did but do not put guilt on yourself for not finishing every task on your list.  It was not meant to be completed today.  Give yourself grace.  Acknowledge your feelings, but do not absorb everyone else’s feelings and emotions.  Let go of assumptions.  Release the anxiety, and breathe in peace and rest. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward” on Saturday, March 21st from 9 AM to 12 pm at Trinity Evangelical Church on Malabar Drive in Upper Sandusky.  Everyone is welcome.

Focused On Performance

Life is to be lived with purpose and simply with your focus on today.  Within each day you complete tasks, execute plans, and achieve successes.  Some days you just survive and function minimally.  Life has its ups and downs.  Where is your focus?  Who are you living and doing life for?

Some people focus on how their life looks to others.  Life becomes a performance – an act to demonstrate to others you have it all together and you look good.  Basically, you stage an act to prove to people who are not focused on you that you are strong, blessed, and can handle whatever happens in life.  Your life is like a TV show where you never see behind the scenes of what is really going on.

When you live in performance mode – you are pretending and existing in a fake life.  You appear to do everything the right way, follow all the rules, and look good on the outside.  But within, you are exhausted from the work of pretending to be OK when you are not.  Life is not fulfilling and relationships are shallow and empty.

Performance is not all negative.  You want to perform well in your work, school, sports, music, and complete tasks and achieve goals.  Sometimes though performance becomes so focused on tasks, goals, the next level of achievement that you never celebrate and enjoy what you are currently doing.  It is always future focused – how to get better – and you never fully celebrate the present and enjoy the moments of life.

This concept gets translated into your faith and relationships.  You have to achieve more and be the best or you will not be loved and accepted.  This is an untruth that creates a false narrative in your head.  You keep serving and doing more and more in hopes you will be accepted.  You never know when you have done enough to receive what you desire the most – the words of affirmation. You become exhausted and burned out.

Performance mode is overwhelming.  It is being able to find the balance.  It is doing your very best because of who you are, not to prove to someone else that you are worthy.  It is enjoying what you are doing so that it brings meaning and fulfillment to your life.  If you are doing something just because you think it will look good to others or because someone else wants you to do it, you will resent the relationship eventually.

Affirm yourself.  Believe in who you are and who you are becoming.  Learn to forgive yourself and let go of your past failures and mess ups.  Give yourself grace.  You are your own unique self.  Your life’s meaning and purpose is not defined by other people so what you do cannot be defined by them either.  Perform for an audience of One.  Be your genuine self but continue to grow and mature into all you were created to be.

Meeting the expectations of others all the time is exhausting.  You want to be liked and considered a person others enjoy being around.  Release the exhaustion of trying to do things that are not your skills and you do not enjoy.  Find enjoyment in life by being all God made you to be.  Do not allow others to define you.  Learn to enjoy your own company and like who you are.  Live in the now and find fulfillment in today.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward” – Saturday, March 22nd from 9 am to 12 pm at Trinity Evangelical Church.  All are invited.  Just call the church to reserve your spot – 419-294-1535.

Are You Talking To Me?

Conversation is a two-way talk in which news, ideas, and care is shared.  It can be informal and just a chitchat or a deep heart-to-heart connection. Sometimes one person vents to another just to have someone to listen and not fix.  The person just wants a listening ear and a place of acceptance without judgment.  Other times the conversation can be an intense sharing or brainstorming session.  Conversations can be on the surface about the weather or the latest headlines in the news.  The most meaningful talks are ones where there is mutual respect with sharing of thoughts, feelings, and personal life.

Mutual dialogue is the key to a healthy conversation.  It is talking and listening to understand each other.  It is not just waiting for the other person to pause or take a breath so you can jump in and talk.  Communication is accepting some days you listen more than talk because of the needs of another person or the situation. 

It is not just asking questions to gain information or prying into the other person's personal life.  You gain information in every dialogue, but it is not to be shared with others unless given permission or requested.  When someone tells you a story about their life and struggles, it is their story to tell not yours.

When a person asks you a question in your conversation and it is not something you want to share, you can politely decline to answer.  Set boundaries in what you share and the topics you want to discuss, especially in public.  You may not want to share in a group setting what you would in private with a person.  Respect the privacy of others.  If you are the person asking the questions, it may feel like you are interrogating to be in the know and not really caring about the individual.  Ask because you care and express concern and compassion.

Remember, conversation is mutual caring about each other and wanting to share with another person.  For your mental health, learn to set boundaries in your sharing.  Know who does not keep things private and do not share with them what you do not want broadcasted to others.  Remind yourself that being a private person is who you are and that is fine.  Choose carefully who you vent your feelings and thoughts to because not everyone will abide by your boundaries. 

When sharing a story, give the short version with the facts.  Then if the person you are talking with asks you questions and is interested in the details, then share the total story.  You have been in conversations with people who go on and on with the details of a story and you just want them to get to the point.  So do not be that person to other people.  If it bothers you, it will irritate someone else when you do it.

Relationships are about having conversations.  You cannot be in relationship with people if you do not talk together and are interested in each other’s lives.  There will be certain people who you share the depth of your heart with and others with whom you only share day-to-day experiences.  Choose wisely.  Recognize not everyone wants a dialogue, some people just want an audience.  Sit with them and listen but don’t share your heart because it will not be respected.  Share your heart in prayer with the One who listens and responds.  Find people who want to share and listen and challenge you while respecting your values and views.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Check out Elaine’s weekly blog on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

So What Are Your Fears?

Many children are afraid of the dark and need a night light to help deal with what lurks in the darkness.  Some people are afraid of heights, elevators, bridges, animals, water, needles, flying, spiders, public speaking and the list is endless of what people fear.  These are commonly known as phobias with each having its own name.  Some phobias may seem strange to you, but they bring intense fear to others.

Many of these phobias can be addressed by facing them if you choose or by just choosing not to do them or be around the things that cause fear.  If you want to overcome a fear, it is taking small steps of exposure to achieve the goal.

There are also fears within people that are difficult to admit even to themselves.  You may have some outward fears that you talk about and even laugh about with other people.  When you say you are afraid of spiders, people laugh and others relate to those feelings.  But the fears that are deep within you are intense and leave you feeling negative about yourself.  You are even afraid to share them with others out of fear of being rejected and made to feel your fears are not valid.

You may have the fear of failure.  You are afraid to try new experiences, jobs, relationships or anything that may cause you to look like a failure.  To you failure is fatal, and it is better not to try. You feel like you messed up and let other people down and can never face them.  But failure just means it did not work that time and next time you will try it differently.  In failure, you learn what not to do and what did not work for you.  Failure is only fatal when you stop trying and do not learn from it. 

Some of you fear not being enough.  You fear you do not matter.  You fear that no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you do, it is never enough.  Your sense of self-worth is based on doing enough and if you fail to meet those expectations, you do not receive acceptance.  You fear rejection.

Some people fear being abandoned – not just left alongside the road – but not being loved by those who mean the most to them.  You fear they will leave you if you do not meet their every need.  You wear yourself out to the point of exhaustion, but they still are not satisfied and criticize you.  You fear you will never be good enough and never be loved.

Fears create all types of thoughts in your head and negative views of yourself.  When your focus is the fear, it controls you.  So, how can you overcome these fears?  First, it is admitting the fear and naming it and how it controls your thoughts and behaviors.  Once you name it and not try to hide it, you can start loosening the grip of control.  Next, it is facing the fear and beginning to recognize why you have this fear.  Then you begin to desensitize yourself to the fear.  It is slowly taking steps of accepting yourself for who you are.  It is believing you have value and worth.  It is not conditioned on what you do or how others perceive you.

Fear loses it control when faith enters.  Faith is a trust that Someone greater than yourself is with you and watching over you.  Fear loses control when you face it and do not believe it is bigger than your faith.  Release your fear and take steps to trust.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar, “Living Life Forward” on Saturday, March 21st from 9 am to 12 pm at Trinity Evangelical Church in Upper Sandusky.  Everyone is welcome. No fee. Register by calling the church office 419-294-1535.

Gaining Control of Anger

Anger is a quick reactive emotion.  It is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.  Anger can be milder and described as irritation or being displeased, but it can become intense with rage, temper, and wrath.  There are a wide range of emotions categorized under the name of anger.  You can be irked, exasperated, infuriated, peeved, ticked off.

Anger is usually triggered by feeling you were treated unfairly, wronged, threatened, insulted, or not recognized nor heard.  Anger is a physical emotion that is usually expressed in a loud voice, racing heart, elevated blood pressure and a flushed face.  It is recognizable in a person.  Your body becomes tense and is prepared to fight.  Mentally, a person is hyper-focused on what or who has caused the feelings of anger.  You react and want to immediately do something about the cause of the anger.

Anger is not always wrong.  Anger can be a response to injustice or someone being wronged.   It is channeling anger for good, that is, to make a difference in the unjust situation.  Underlying anger are other emotions like fear, hurt, shame, and frustration.  One can become angry when you feel helpless to change a situation.  Anger comes out in relationships when you feel disappointed, used, or ignored.  Sometimes a person reacts with anger to project their own guilt and shame onto another person.  Anger comes out when needs and expectations are not met.  For some people, anger is a result of grief and sadness.

Now that some aspects of anger have been defined, how do you control anger and not allow anger to control you and your relationships?  Anger can alienate you because of your explosiveness.  People choose not to be around others who are always angry and never know when the anger will come out. 

Anger is a physical emotion, so it needs to be released physically.  It is trying to walk away from a situation before the anger takes control.  It is also not stuffing it down inside which will cause other physical problems and not knowing when you will blow up because you have stuffed so much down inside.  Usually, you blow up at the simplest of things which do not merit the intensity of the explosion.

Take time to speak out loud your anger – talk it out or pray it out.  Name it.  Once you name it, the power of the cause of anger is defused.  When you walk away, the situation does not control your thoughts and attention.  Take some deep breaths and calm your body and mind.  Focus on what caused your anger and why you felt angry.  Name anything that may have triggered it.

Next ask yourself, “Will it matter tomorrow?”  “Am I being selfish?”  “Do I have any control or power to change it?”  “What is my role and responsibility?”  If you need to have a conversation with a person that caused or triggered your anger, first write down what you want to say.  This will slow you down and help you choose the words so as not to make the other person defensive or you becoming accusatory. Write down how the person and situation made you feel and possible solutions.

Then let it go.  You may need to punch a pillow or punching bag, run, workout or do something physical to release the built-up anger inside of you.  Do not hold on to anger because it will turn into bitterness and hatred and lead to destructive behaviors.  Deal with the cause and release it. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com