People Are Not Projects

You could not believe he did what he did.  If only he would have listened to your advice.  She messed up again, but you could have helped if she had accepted your assistance.  You could have prevented the mess, but your advice fell on deaf ears.  Your desire is to prevent the troubles and create another person’s life the way you want them to live.

This is a form of control.  You believe you know what is best for another person and how the person should live life.  In a sense, you want ownership of the person, give direction, manage and create a success story of the person’s life.  You try to encourage and guide toward the direction you believe is right, but as hard as you try, it does not work.  You attempt to make sense out of what the person is doing, but you continue to question the person’s choices, behaviors, and lack of decision-making.

You become frustrated and even attempt to manipulate the person into going the direction you believe is the right one.  You see the person as a project to complete, a task to achieve, or a success story in the making.  You want to mold and make them into what you believe will be good for them.  And it is not working.  So, what do you do?

First, you stop trying to control and create the person into your image and expectations.  See the person for who he/she really is with flaws and gifts.  Nobody is perfect and you do not have the answers for everyone’s life.  Be an encourager who is available to assist when asked.  But do not be an enabler that allows another person to continue in negative and possibly self-destructive habits at your expense.  You try to fix and keep them from experiencing the consequences of their actions.  You think it is helping, but in reality, it prevents growth by not allowing them to deal with the outcome of their actions.  You are only managing the current issue not the underlying problem.  It takes a toll on your own health and finances.

It is loving the person but not taking responsibility for their behaviors and actions.  It is being patient and giving the person time to make decisions and experience the results of their behaviors and actions.

It is setting healthy boundaries and learning to step in and step out of people’s lives without being responsible for everything they do.  Sometimes, it is loving at a distance.  It is praying for them.  It is not being negative or sharing gossip about them or getting other people to take sides thus creating division.

It is accepting that some people are content in the life they are living even though you want more for them or know what they could do to enjoy life more.  It is not your life.  Your role and purpose are to encourage, ask if they want ideas or suggestions, and allow others to create their own life.  It is changing your focus to living your best life and dealing with your own behaviors, flaws, and actions.  It is living what you believe and being a positive example to others quietly, respectfully, and faithfully.

Elaine’s blog, books and information can be found on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

So, What's Your Figurability?

You have a problem or situation and you need to come up with a plan and resolution.  You need to find a solution or understand someone’s behavior.  You are trying to figure it out, that is, solve, understand and determine the appropriate outcome.  It is taking an abstract or complex issue or problem and finding a possible solution. That’s figurability.

What do you use to figure it out?  How does your mind work to give shape to an abstract or complex problem and have the shape become reality?  It is determining your method.  Some people make no decision and just let life happen.  They take no responsibility for what happens because they do not want any conflict so they ignore it hoping it will solve itself or just go away.  Never works.  It usually creates the conflict you are trying to avoid.  They never figure anything out and just let life take them wherever it does, and if there is a problem, it is pushed “under the rug” and never dealt with.  It causes one to stumble but then you avoid the area or person who caused it.

Now, going with the flow of life works for a while unless you get upset at the results and blame others.  What usually happens next is one just makes a random or quick decision.  Basically, a guess without facts or processing through the situation.  It is based on emotions and feelings or the avoidance of them.  You don’t want to feel any anxiety or take any responsibility, so you figure out what works best for you without any consideration of other people or the ramifications.

You may consult friends and family to receive their opinion and perspective.   Everyone will have an opinion which gives their slant on the issue and sometimes does not include all the facts.  You may put it out on social media and wait for all the views and the negativity you will receive.  Some people google it and let AI tell them the solution.  You may talk with a counselor and process through all the options.  You may pray and read the Bible to gain discernment.

You may seek expert advice based on the issue or problem.  If it is a legal issue, you consult a lawyer.  If it is a financial issue, you consult a financial advisor.  If it is a plumbing problem, you find a plumber.  It is admitting to yourself that sometimes you do not have the knowledge or skill to figure out a solution and need help.  This is accepting your limitations and being smart enough to know what you do not know.

When you are attempting to figure out a solution, do you trust yourself to make an informed and good decision?  Take your time.  Name your options.  Take the information you have acquired from experts and the opinions of people you trust.  Step away, if possible, to give your thoughts a rest and come back refreshed with a new perspective.  Pray, take a walk and look at nature and breathe in the fresh air and remind yourself of your priorities in figuring it out.

You may need to write out the problem and the options to see them on paper.  Then right down your solution.  Does it make sense?  Is it plausible? Can you do it?  Whose help do you need?  So, what’s your figurability?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website for her blog and previous columns – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Making The Most of It

You took the trip planning to enjoy the beach and sunshine every day, but it was cloudy and rainy most of the time.  You planned to spend the day organizing and cleaning, but something broke so you spent the day repairing and cleaning up the mess.  Life does not turn out how you planned it.

You make plans but you cannot control the weather, other people or when something breaks.  How do you handle the disappointments and frustrations of life?  If you try to control everything and everyone, you soon discover that it is impossible.  The lack of control can create anger and resentment and lead to a life with no enjoyment.

When you blame yourself that life did not go as planned, you go deeper into the need to control.  You blame yourself for choosing the wrong dates for your trip or for not being more proactive in preventing break downs.  Or your anger goes outward and you take it out on family and believe that life never gives you a break.  Something always goes wrong becomes your motto for life.  You never get to relax and enjoy life.  You become mad at the world.

Life happens.  You cannot control the weather, but it does not need to ruin the trip.  Something breaks and you just clean up the mess.  It is changing an attitude and focus.  It is making the most of the situation.  For example, maybe you needed more rest, and the clouds and rain gave you more time to nap, reflect and pray.  Maybe it was learning how to make a repair and being proud of your accomplishment so that someday you can help someone else with it.

It is changing your plan for a different purpose.  Your plan involved getting your way – doing it your way.  Maybe it is looking at a greater purpose in the moments of life.  Disappointments and frustrations come when your focus is self-centered and rigid.  You refuse to deviate from your plan for a greater plan or purpose.

Break down the big purpose and plan and begin to look at what is in front of you.  How can you make the most of what you have, not what you wanted to have?  What can you do differently?  Be flexible.  Release the plan in your head that keeps you frustrated because it is not going to happen.  Let it go.  Go with the flow.  Look for the blessings in what you would have missed if your plan had worked. 

Make the most of your situation.  It is all you have.  It is what it is.  Find the good.  Release your expectations and go with the moment at hand.  Find something to be grateful for and name your blessings.  This may take a little effort especially if you feel like everything goes wrong for you.  Here is a suggestion on how to begin naming your blessings – start with the alphabet.  Name something you are grateful for using each letter of the alphabet.  By the time you name twenty-six grateful blessings, your attitude and outlook should change.  If not, repeat it until you have made the most of your situation by being grateful.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com  blogs, books and more.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Being Pugnacious?

You said something to him, and you saw a change in his facial expression and body language.  He did not agree and was about to react to your statement with an argument against you.  So, what do you do?  Some people are pugnacious, that is, eager or quick to argue, quarrel or fight.  How do you defuse a pugnacious person and not react to the escalated emotion? Or maybe you are the one who is quick to argue and it seems you are always upset and quarreling with someone.

Some people are reactive and believe everyone is out to get them so you need to be quick to defend and not let another person get the upper hand.  Pause for a moment, has arguing, raising your voice, getting angry and being upset at another person ever solved the issue?  When a person argues, you just want the other person to stop talking and accept your point of view.  You do not want to listen.  You just want the other person to admit you are right and they are wrong.

The world is reactive and social media continues to feed into accepting that it is the right way to deal with something that does not fit your view.  When you react quickly, you are responding only emotionally without thought or consideration of the other person.  You treat them as if they do not matter to you.  You become the center and most important.

When you are pugnacious, you like hearing yourself speak and controlling the environment.  You call attention to yourself believing the louder you are, the more others will listen and accept that you are right.  Some people like to argue just to argue wanting to confuse others and it becomes just a game.  Fighting with words tears down another person and makes you appear not to care about anybody except yourself.

People fight with words to protect themselves from not dealing with what is really going on inside of themselves.  It is placing the blame for everything onto someone else so you do not have to look at how you are behaving.  Being pugnacious takes away another person’s self-esteem and worth.  The one yelling and arguing uses words that tear down, diminish worth and tells the person there is no value in them.

How do you turn this around and not argue, fight with words and degrade others?  The opposite of being pugnacious is being friendly, agreeable, amiable, non-combative with an easy-going temperament. So how about a balance between the two extremes?  To start changing is to choose to listen before reacting.  Slow yourself down.  Take a deep breath.  Evaluate the situation.  What is really going on and ask questions instead of yelling and being angry.  You may need to take a walk or at least walk away for a moment to prevent yourself from fighting and arguing.  

It is also accepting that fighting and arguing does not solve anything.  In reality, it makes the situation worse.  You just make another person angry, resentful or shut down.  Each person is entitled to his/her own opinion, and it is not your responsibility to change their view to your view.  It is a willingness to listen and even agree to disagree.  You may need to ask yourself why you believe you are always right.  Do you care about how you treat others?

It is changing a behavior of being reactive and arguing and fighting to listening more, slowing yourself down and paying attention to what is really going on around you.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – has her blogs, columns and books.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Disappointed But Not Discouraged

Life disappoints.  People disappoint.  They do not meet your expectations.  They do not always follow through and do what you had hoped or even what they promised to do.  Someone may have promised to always be there for you but when you needed them, they were nowhere to be found.  You may be disappointed that they do not support you now even though they have been your friend for a long time.

What do you do with your disappointments?  First, you need to define disappointment.  It is a sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.  Sometimes your disappointment is directed toward a person, sometimes a situation, and sometimes toward yourself.  For some of you, it is bringing these feelings to God.  Talk to God about how you feel, not to other people.  Release the sadness and irritation.  Do not absorb the failure of others to meet your expectations.  They may not have known what you expected.  Other people have different views of the situation than you do.  When you live in the expectations of what others should do, you will always be disappointed.

When you are disappointed in how you reacted, what you failed to do or what you actually did, don’t beat yourself up. It is recognizing everyone messes up from time to time.  Nobody is perfect.  It is forgiving yourself and releasing the sadness.   When you dwell on the disappointments, it can turn to bitterness and resentment.  It festers inside and prevents you from moving forward.  You just ruminate on the hurt, and it begins to permeate into all areas of life.  You quit connecting with others because of the fear they will just disappoint you or you will disappoint them.  This can lead to discouragement.

Discouragement is the loss of confidence or enthusiasm for something.  You expected others to be supportive of your endeavor.  You had hoped they would be as excited about it as you are.  When it did not happen, you may have become upset, angry, and at first wondered why you even bothered.  The thoughts in your head were negative and began to convince yourself to give up.  But through prayer and quieting your soul and not giving other people control, you did not become discouraged.  In fact, you used the disappointment and turned it into courage to try something new and different.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or something frightening.  It is facing a fear.  Courage is deep inside.  It comes from your trust and faith.  You can use your disappointments as training ground to grow and depend on your faith and not the views of other people.  Courage is to deliberately choose to persevere through adversity.  It is acting despite your fear.  It is doing something afraid, but still doing it.

When you live in the expectations of others, they are in control. You will sway back and forth based on their whim and fickleness.  Have the courage to face your disappointments and not let them defeat you or control you.  Use them as a challenge that there is a greater plan – one you cannot see yet.  Don’t be discouraged.  Trust forward.

Life will always disappoint.  Change your focus.  Use your disappointments and go a different direction.

Check out Elaine’s website and blog and books – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Conundrum of Life

A conundrum is a confusing and difficult problem or question with no clear or easy solution.  It leaves a person in a quandary or dilemma not knowing what to do in a situation or how to answer the puzzle.  It feels like you do not know what choice or decision to make.  You have all experienced this at some time in your lives.  You are confused about what to do.  You do not know the right way to go.  You feel the weight of making a decision. 

You desire something different, but get into a rut in your daily life.  It can be in work, in marriage, family relationships, or your daily routine.  You tell yourself that you need to change, but the daily rut becomes too familiar and comfortable.  It is a struggle.  How do you choose to take steps out of this rut?  If you do, then what?  It is unfamiliar, and you say to ourself, “What if I mess up and it does not work out?”  It is being afraid of failure so you do not try or believe it will not be good enough so doing nothing is easier.

These thoughts and feelings are real and are defeating.  They keep one from even starting on a new path.  The conundrum of life bases everything on your own strength, determination, and abilities.  When the focus is on the failures of the past – the track record – you are already defeated.  You have tried and messed up on other attempts so why will this time be different? So going back to the rut makes you believe the routine works.

Routine can be good if it is healthy.  That is, the routine keeps you focused on taking care of your necessary tasks, and keeps you grounded. But a rut is not healthy – it is a place where you are stuck.  A rut is a habit or pattern that has become dull and unproductive.  It feels like a dead end.

So how do you get out of your rut, know what direction to go and figure out who you are now?  How do you answer the conundrum of your life?  Good question.  It is based on the foundation of your life – your faith, your relationships, and your values and purpose for life.  Where do you turn for support, guidance, and assistance in making decisions and moving forward in life?

Some of the reason for ruts is that you still see yourself as the one who messed up and does not deserve another chance and a good life with meaning and purpose.  Worry and anxiety keep one stuck and in a quandary.  You worry about what could happen and fear the future and cannot calm the inner fears and worries.  This brings weakness, feelings of being overwhelmed, tense and afraid to change and find out who you really are now.  You may define yourself based on anxiety, fear, worry, and “stuckness.”

It is calming the inner spirit within you and believing in who you are and who you were created to be.  It is finding the spiritual part of yourself.  Every person is spiritual.  That is, each person has a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspect.  It is developing healthy habits that creates peace in the midst of life’s challenges, and relying on Someone greater than yourself.  It is being willing to change your focus, challenge yourself and believe that there is more to life than the rut you have created.

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Readjusting Your Relationships

Life is filled with relationships.  You were born into a family and created relationships with those connected to your family.  You attended school with other students who were in your class and you developed friendships.  Some of those friendships continued throughout school life and even beyond.  You worshipped in a church and created a church family relationship with those around you.  You worked and relationships happened because of your time together.  You joined a variety of organizations and because of your mutual interest, you formed a bond.

When you are in relationship with someone, you appreciate the person for who they are and see the person as valuable to your life.  People were created to be in relationship with one another.  Yes, you can live life alone, but there is an emptiness and lack of growth because nobody challenges you or fulfills the inner need for connection.  Some people are with you for a lifetime and others for a moment or season.  Each person has a purpose.  You learn from one another what to do and also what not to do.

In each season of life, you experience changes in relationships. Family is still family but their needs change and may take steps away from you as they develop their own lives within a new family unit.  It is being able to release children and grandchildren to mature and grow into who they were created to be.  Sometimes it may feel they are distant and do not respond to communication.  Responding is a choice.  It does not always mean the person no longer cares; it just means they are slow to respond or choose not to answer calls or texts.

Friendships also change because of interests, locations, and other focuses in life.  For some people, grandchildren are the center of their life and friendships take a back seat to being involved in the life of grandchildren.  Remember, children are little only once.  Relationships are therefore based on priorities.

When you move to a new city or even a new neighborhood, relationships change.   You may promise to keep in touch, but it takes more effort and is not as convenient as it once was.  It is not that you do not care about the people in your past, they are no longer as convenient and new relationships are developing.

Life changes relationships.  People remain part of your foundation and when you think of them or recall an experience, you are thankful for their life and your connection.  You still care about them and when you do see them, you may hug them and are excited to “catch up” on life.  Some relationships are for seasons.  You walk with people in the joys, struggles, adventures and sorrows of life, but then your lives separate and go down different paths.

Sometimes, you need to grieve the changes and accept that you can still treasure the relationship and give thanks for the memories and the experiences.  You readjust and develop new connections.  You cannot force people to stay in your life or try to do everything for them to keep the relationship.  It is releasing people to connect to others and be grateful for the time together.  Even in families, it is recognizing your role and responsibility.  It is enjoying the moments and allowing family members to create their own life and relationships.  It is learning to step in and enjoy, and step out and allow others to live their lives without you in the midst of it.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – for her blog and books.

The Vicissitudes of Life

Life is unpredictable no matter how much you attempt to plan and try to control.  There are ups and downs to life – mountains and valleys.  Nothing seems consistently smooth and reliable.  Changes happen without warning, and you are left to navigate these unchartered waters of life.  This is the vicissitudes of life – the challenges and fluctuating phases of life.

Change is a natural part of life.  Change happens whether or not you want it to or not.  You cannot stop change.  Your body ages.  You can exercise, eat healthy, and release your emotions, but your body will still age.  You make plans and see the goal in sight, but the unexpected may change your plans.  Change is usually inconvenient bringing a difficulty or hardship.

Change is usually viewed as negative, but change also brings good.  The changing of the seasons brings sunshine and warmth from the darkness and snow of winter.  Change occurs in one’s career as you gain more experience and knowledge and grow in your expertise and fulfillment.

Change happens as you grow out of your awkward stage of adolescence and develop your confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities.

Change is inevitable.  Life will always change.  You can accept change when it brings hope and good into your life.  But life is inconsistent and uncertain.  You endeavor to plan for the unexpected but then something you did not plan for happens.  The first step in dealing with the vicissitudes of life is to accept that things will happen that you did not want or expect.  Life has its ups and downs, and you will experience the emotional roller coaster of life, too.

Changes can seem devastating when it involves loss - death, loss of job, loss of home, loss of security.  When you experience the death of a loved one, life is never the same.  Life is different and has an emptiness in it.  It is giving yourself permission to grieve and walk through the loss and accept this different life without your loved one.  This takes time.  You will always grieve but the intensity of the grief will lessen over time.

The ups and downs of life also occur within each day.  Your mood and emotions are affected by certain people and the experiences and encounters with other people.  Some people bring you down with them, and other people build you up and enhance your life.  It is attempting to find the balance and not allowing other people’s moods sway you completely.

When life changes, it is pausing and being still for a moment.  It is praying and centering yourself on your foundation of faith. Sometimes you have to make quick decisions and react to the crisis.  It is surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family that help keep you grounded in the midst of the crisis.  You cannot prepare for everything and sometimes you need to rely on people who have walked a similar path and can give you guidance and support.

It is accepting that life is like a roller coaster ride.  It has its ups and downs.  Just start enjoying the ride knowing this is just what life is.  Life is not perfect, but it is the life you have so you either fight against the change or you accept it and look for the good in the changes.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Worried The Answer Will Change

You asked a question and received the person’s answer.  You believed them at the time, but now you are wondering if they really meant it.  Your friend told you they would take care of something for you, but you are concerned they will forget or that you are too much of a burden to them.  He said he would pick you up and take you, but as the date gets closer, you question if he will follow through.

Oh, the worries created in the head.  When you question, wonder or become concerned, it puts doubt in your mind.  You may call to make sure the person’s answer did not change.  You may go over in your head if the answer changes what you will do or say.  You have created a worry.  If the person is one you trust and has always kept their word, you are worrying without a reason.  You may have transferred to this person your lack of trust in yourself and inability to follow through.

Your worry may come from a past trauma or situation.  You trusted someone, and the person lied, hurt you, or did not keep his/her word.  The answer changed and now you worry everyone else will do the same thing.  You are living in the assumption that all people are the same and will treat you the same way.  This is not a true statement.  It is acknowledging that some people change their answer but not all people do.

Some of your worry comes from your own insecurity.  You need assurance that the person still cares about you and wants to follow through with what they promised.  You need validation that you are a person of worth to them.  You may apologize for asking for help and then believe the person thinks you are annoying or too much trouble.  You may have difficulty believing someone actually wants to be with you and help you.

In overcoming worry, it is naming what is true.  List the truth statements.  For example – “My mom has always followed through with what she says she will do.”  When you worry and doubt a person, it is reminding yourself of past situations.  Has the person done what they said?  Is the person truthful and reliable? Tear down the worry with truth statements.  You may need to write them down to remind yourself what is true.  You have people in your life whose answer never changes.  They do what they say and are reliable.

There are also people in your life whose word cannot be trusted.  They do not keep their word.  Every time you want to believe or trust them, they disappoint you.  It is accepting who they are and not setting yourself up to be let down each time.  You learn to not ask them for help, assistance, or count on them to follow through.  Yes, this is sad, but it is also your reality.

So, are you a person of your word, or does your answer change?  If you worry that someone else’s answer will change, then you have to look inward at who you are.  It is speaking the truth in love.  When you give your word, you follow through.  It is being truthful and reliable and not causing others to worry that your answer will change.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Dash and The Date

On this Memorial Day weekend, many of you will be visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the graves of your loved ones. On each tombstone and grave marker is the date of birth and date of death, but between the dates is a dash.  A story has been written about the dash along with a song.  The dash represents the life lived.  The dash is the same length for everyone – whether on a stone or from the keys of a keyboard.  Each dash is equal.  Each life has a story and purpose.  It is not the length of time but the meaning of the life.

To the world, the life has ended at the date of death.  But to those who have loved the person, the love never ends and lives on in the heart.  The memory of their lives remains fresh and alive. Time seems to lose its meaning and power when it comes to death and grief.  While the focus of grief seems to be the first year of loss as one experiences all the “firsts” without the loved one, grief is not a linear time focus.  Grief continues throughout life and is triggered when you experience something and want to share it with them or need their guidance and presence.  Grief becomes interwoven into life and one learns to live with it and also live into life.

The focus in grief is on the dash – the life your loved ones have lived.  It is changing the focus from the dying and death to how the person lived and the difference the person has made in your life.  That is the dash of life – the meaning and purpose of your loved one’s life.  The dash is about life and influence and purpose.  The dates are about birth and death.  While few people are present at the actual birth or even at the moment of death, you gather to celebrate the completion of a life.  You cannot add more memories, but the memories can sustain you.  When you look at the grave marker, it is knowing the person lived and walked this earth.

That final date.  You know how long it has been in calendar years, but it seems just like yesterday at times.  You understand time differently and measure time based on when your loved one died.  It may be a year, five years or twenty years.  It does not matter the length of time in grief.  Your view of time has changed.  It is amazing sometimes when you realize that it has been ten years since your loved one died.  It does not change the love, the meaning of their life nor the grief and loss you still feel.  The hole in your life remains.  In Heaven there is no time.  Time is a limit of the earth.  Your loved one is in Heaven where time does not matter, therefore, in your grief time does not matter.  The distance from the earthly end date has no meaning to your grief.  It is just a recognition of the loss of their physical presence.  Your loved one has never left your heart and grief has no regard to time.  The date just signifies the time you stopped seeing their physical body but their love and relationship and impact never ceased.

Take a walk through the cemetery this Memorial Day weekend.  Remember those who have come before you.  Give thanks for their life and legacy.  Pray for the families who grieve and whose grief is raw and new and full of questions and shock.  Remember the dash of life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Negative Head Space

You have a plan.  You are ready to accomplish the plan and it feels good to be able to complete a task or project.  Then, someone or something disrupts the plan.  You are caught off guard and do not know how to deal with the change.  If you could complete your plan then you would be happy and content and enjoy the day.  But now, life has changed and you go down the negative road in your head.  You cannot do anything now but focus on the disappointment.

Negative Head Space.  Everyone has it.  Some are able to put a stop sign on the road and prevent themselves from living in that space.  It is off limits to dwell there.  You know it is there because negativity is all around in this broken and fallen world.  You are choosing not to live in negativity.  You visit it from time to time, but you turn around and go in the opposite direction.

Some people fall into the negative head space and have no idea how to remove themselves from it.  It feeds the “worst case scenario” view of life.  You begin to plan for what could go wrong and live in the constant fear of what could happen if you do not plan for it to happen. Planning is the way to control. You only plan for all that could go wrong, but rarely plan for a good outcome.

Your brain contains millions of thoughts.  Some are fleeting and zoom through your head at rapid speeds never affecting your day to day.  Other thoughts stagnate and create a deep rut of negativity, fear, and anxiety.  You get stuck on what could happen, what you should have done, what you said wrong, why someone looked at you that way, and on and on down the slippery slope of doom and gloom.

Thoughts control your behavior and how you react to others.  When these thoughts are negative, your words express nothing positive or hopeful.  You see the wrong in the world and in life and do not see much good around you.  You are always looking for what others have done wrong and develop a victim mentality.  Something bad always happens to you.

The reality is that something good always happens to you, too, if you look for it.  There is good all around you and even in your head if you allow it to be your focus.  The key is not giving negative head space all the room nor feeding it by dwelling on it and adding to the thoughts.  Starve the negativity.  Keep replacing the space with what is good and healthy.

Negative head space may have become more familiar and an easy space to slip into when life feels intense.  It is being intentional where you live in your head.  Just because it is familiar does not make it healthy.  Acknowledge to yourself that there are negative thoughts in a situation, but that is just one side of the situation.  There are other options.  It is retraining your brain to see other possibilities.  It is getting off the narrow road of negativity and allowing alternative plans to be considered.

Sometimes the negative head space is just you not getting your way or being upset someone else had a better idea.  It is slowing down your thoughts and not jumping quickly down the doom and gloom road.  It is being open to different ideas and looking for good in the changed plans.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Always Hear A Tone

“Don’t use that tone with me.”  You have probably said this statement to a child, grandchild, student, spouse, or friend.  The tone of your voice may trigger a negative reaction.  The words communicate content, while tone expresses the feelings of what is spoken or written.  A tone of a person refers to the attitude, feeling or emotion conveyed through speech or written word.  The person hearing or reading makes a judgment on what is beneath the statement.  One’s tone can be perceived as positive or negative.  It is usually the negative tone that creates a reactive response.

A tone is negative when it is believed to be sarcastic, critical, or angry.  Feelings come out in your words and raised voice.  It may become a natural response and one does not recognize a specific tone.  The one who receives the words, hears something that may not have been intended but is based on past experiences or traumas.  The one hearing the tone may react by shutting down and becoming silent or becoming reactive and raise his/her voice in response and to defend against the tone perceived.

So, what is your normal tone?  Some people have an attitude that conveys they are always irritated and upset and you feel like you have bothered them.  They may give short answers that reveal their mood.  Other people have a tone that expresses joy and excitement in life.  It feels like their speech almost sings with happiness.  Nothing seems to bother them.  Some people have more of a monotone – neutral in inflection and emotion and basically goes with the flow and keep emotions from being heard in their words.

In disagreements, the tone of one’s voice tends to convey more meaning than the actual words.  It is the emotion behind the words that influences how the message is perceived.  Tone is more difficult to regulate than the choice of words especially in a tense situation.  When beginning a conversation, the tone of one’s voice influences the outcome of the situation.  When one begins with a harsh tone of accusation, it will most likely turn into an argument or verbal fight.

You can say the same phrase with different tones and receive different reactions. For instance, the phrase “It’s fine.”  If spoken in a calm, warm tone conveys reassurance and acceptance.  If spoke in a tense, flat tone, it may express frustration or disappointment.  Some people have a high-pitched tone that conveys excitement or one is about to explode verbally. 

Your tone also affects your credibility and trustworthiness.  If your tone is more steady and clear others tend to listen and hear what you are saying.  When your tone is emotionally charged, sharp, high pitched or harsh, people are reluctant to listen and trust you.

Let’s work on awareness of tone.  It will help you during emotionally charged conversations.  Slow your speech, soften your pitch and keep your voice at a steady pace.  By doing so, you can reduce conversations from escalating into arguments.  You can therefore, help to prevent others from misunderstanding what you are saying because they are not focused on your delivery.

The first step, is to become more aware of your own tone.  Listen to yourself when you speak.  Ask those around you that you trust to give you an honest answer how they perceive your tone.  What tone do you want to convey to others in your conversations?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Fear of Bad Outcomes

You saw that coming, but they did not ask for your help or advice.  You could have saved them from the consequences they are experiencing, but they did not listen to your guidance.  They said it would be fine, but you knew it would not work and it did not work.  You saw the big picture, but they only saw the immediate reward. 

You may have the ability to step back in situations, evaluate what is happening, and be able to guide people through the chaos and obstacles.  You look at all the options and determine what would work best in the current situation and have lasting positive results.  Unfortunately, people do not want to take your recommendations.  Those around you have created your fear of bad outcomes because every time they do not listen to you or ask for guidance, their decisions create problems and turmoil.  You want to protect and guide, but you are helpless.

You want to fix situations and prevent others for going down a path of doom.  But some people have to experience failure and mistakes so that they can learn and grow on their own.  It is not failure if you learn from it and move forward.  You witness people repeating the same mistakes over and over and having the same bad outcome.  Or you see where the situation will take the person and want to guide in another direction.  The person sees you as controlling and selfish while you see yourself as protective and preventive.

There are people in your life that you are just waiting for their next mess up and bad results from the choices they are making.  You chase after them attempting to save them from the inevitable.   You are tired of having to clean up the mess and suffer the consequences of their actions.  It is difficult to trust them. Your anxiety and worry become heightened as you wait.

So, what do you do?  You cannot protect adults from their own decisions.  You can advise, provide support and information, but in reality, it is their decision to make.  You know it will affect you eventually, or you will have to clean up the mess.  Maybe it is time not to clean up the mess.  Sometimes, you need to step away and let people experience the consequences of their own decisions and not rescue them.  This may seem harsh, but some people need to learn the hard way.

You cannot fix every person and situation.  That is exhausting and also impossible.  You expect those around you to grow up, learn from their mistakes, and take expert and knowledgeable advice.  You may have the insight but you cannot force it upon others.  You can pray for them.  Ask if they need assistance, and if they deny your help, release them.  You cannot force someone to see your perspective.

Change your focus.  You care and love others, but you cannot save them from what you believe will become a bad outcome.  You are only exhausting yourself as you attempt to make everyone else’s life good at your expense.  You can protect to a point but then you need to release responsibility.  Keep praying and caring but sometimes it needs to be at a distance as they figure out life.  Focus on your own life and ways to give to others in positive ways.  Set healthy boundaries and pray about what your role and responsibility is in situations.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Protect Your Peace

The news is a constant stream of negativity detailing all that is bad in the world.  It creates fear for your safety and security.  Social media is filled with arguments and disagreements with people giving their opinion and if you disagree, they immediately are negative and condescending.  You hear people argue down the street or you hear the gossip about a couple’s marriage.  Everywhere you go, there seems to be chaos.

Where do you find peace?  The world will not give you peace.  You need to protect it for yourself.  Turn off your TV for awhile and put down your phone.  Disconnect from social media.  Give yourself a mental rest.  Play with your children or grandchildren.  Take a walk with your dog.  Listen to music and sing.  Pray and worship where you find true peace.

Here are some ways to protect your peace.  It is realizing not every disagreement or argument needs a response.  Your voice will not be heard when someone is arguing loudly.  All the person wants is to expound upon his/her view.  So to protect your peace, do not engage on social media.  Do not respond hoping the other person will understand your point of view in that heightened state of mind.  Step away.

Not every insult needs your response either.  Do not go down into the mud with the person.  The insult or rude comment hurt you, but do not retaliate and be just like that person.  You will say something you will regret or is not who you really are.  Take a deep breath.  Say a prayer in your head.  Tell the person, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Walk away.  Protect your personal peace.

Not everyone deserves unlimited access to you and your emotions.  Just because your phone rings or you receive a text, you do not need to respond immediately.  To be respectful and polite, you may send a text – “I will talk with you later.”  You do not need to answer everyone’s questions or share what is going on in your life.  Protect your inner peace and your personal space and life.

Protect your peace from drama, negativity, and people who drain you emotionally.  It is setting boundaries by defining what you will not tolerate or allow in your life. This involves setting priorities of where you spend your time and energy.  You are the only one who makes yourself a priority.  Make peace a priority.  Your peace begins when you let go of negative relationships, environments, and arguments that you will never win or be heard.

Begin to understand your limits, what triggers your emotions, fears, and anxieties. Awareness of what drains the life and the joy out of your soul is a major step in protecting your inner peace.  When you are peaceful and content, you enjoy life and yourself and genuinely care for others.  It is creating calming routines, nurturing healthy relationships, and listening to your own needs.  You give yourself permission to rest physically and mentally from the noise and chaos and also declutter your mind and physical space.

You may not be able to change the circumstances around you, but you need not let your circumstances control or steal your inner peace.  Find things to bring calmness to your soul.  Focus on the good.  Peace is an inner contentment even in the midst of the chaos.  It is centering yourself on what is and who is most important. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Pieces of Peace

My dog, Annie was saved from an animal shelter by Pati and the rescue group in which she volunteered. Pati had mainly large dogs in her barn when she adopted Annie from the dog pound.  Pati felt sorry for this little six-month-old beagle puppy and would bring her into her home during the day.  Pati protected Annie from all the other dogs. It was with Pati that Annie first felt loved and received human touch.  Pati gave her a little piece of love and hope.

In Pati’s last weeks on earth before her cancer took her to Heaven, her husband, Bob, read my latest book to her – Live Different Moments. She was so touched by the stories of Annie.  It gave her and her family comfort.  Annie gave a piece of love and comfort back to Pati.  Pati gave Annie hope and saved her life, and because of Pati’s selfless love, Annie gave love to me, my family, and all those she came into contact with as a therapy dog.

Annie received a peaceful and contented life with me.  She lived life fully and completely and enjoyed the moments of life.  She saved me in my grief and gave me purpose and a will to keep going.  Annie was a piece of Pati’s last days too.  It was through her life and Pati’s deep faith, that she found peace to let go and be received into the arms of Jesus.

A piece.  It is a small part of the whole.  Just like pieces of a puzzle – need all of them to make the picture complete.  We may play a small role in another person’s life or a dog’s life, and we may feel it is not much or has much value or purpose in the whole scheme of life.  It is necessary to complete the life and to add value.  It is being willing to accept our role and live out our purpose at that moment.

Sometimes, it feels like we fall to pieces. We do not have the ability to cope with our current situation. Our mind seems scattered and unable to think clearly.  It is difficult to control our emotions or even name them.  When life falls apart, it feels like you are unable to function.  Nothing is the same nor will it ever be.  When an object falls to pieces, we usually throw it away.  If we try to repair it, the cracks may still show where it was pieced together. 

When our world seems to be in pieces, allow yourself to fall to pieces and experience the emotions.  Life hurts and bad things happen.  We hurt, we grieve, we feel the loss of loved ones, and our heart feels torn to pieces.  Life may never be the same again.  It will be different and feel different.  There will be rough patches as we attempt to find a new life.  You cannot put it back together like it was.  It is going to be different. 

In a puzzle, you have to take one piece at a time and slowly it comes together.  In life, you need to focus on what is in front of you.  One step at a time and slowly create a different life.  You need to trust that the One who created us can help put the pieces of our broken lives together.

God brings healing to the broken pieces of our hearts.  God will show us peace. Peace is knowing God is with us. Peace is the assurance God will never leave us.  Peace brings a contentment to life even in the midst of chaos and brokenness. Trust God to bring peace in your pieces.

Written in memory of my dog, Annie, who crossed the rainbow bridge three years ago – April 7, 2023.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine’s book – Live Different Moments – is available at Tea Story in Upper, on Amazon or directly from Elaine.

The Underbrush of Life

The underbrush in the wooded areas is beginning to bud and turn green.  The trees above them are still bare so the sunlight can penetrate through them and shine on the plants below.  The underbrush is what is beneath the huge trees and closest to the ground.  It grows first in the Spring and is the last to lose its color in the Fall.

Life has underbrush in many ways.  Sometimes the focus is only on the outward appearance – what one can see – and ignores the beauty and depth underneath.  Sometimes the focus is on the busyness of life not on what is inside the heart.  One can miss the beauty of the situation or the person when there is only an outward focus.

When reflecting on the underbrush, the word underlying comes to mind, too.  Underlying is something implied though not directly expressed.  It lies beneath and is not obvious, but it can be the cause of the issue or situation.  Underlying is asking, “What is causing me to feel this way?”  “Why am I angry, sad, afraid?”  “Why is he acting like that or why is she crying?”  When we have a stomach ache, we ask ourselves, “What did I eat that may have upset it?  Or am I worried and upset about something that is affecting my stomach?”  This is how you interpret underlying in your daily lives. It is not something you immediately are aware of but it can cause how you are feeling and experiencing life.

The underlying cause of sadness and anxiety may be the loss of the person who brought joy and security to life.  You appear to function outwardly but inwardly hidden in the underbrush you are overwhelmed and do not know how to take steps into this different life.  You attempt living in the moment but underneath it may feel fake and empty.  When you feel like something is different or you are not quite your normal self, begin to process what is going on inside.  Search for what may bother, irritate, or what has changed, and what is the cause or root of these different feelings.  It is admitting that you feel this way because of this underlying issue or feeling.  Then it is talking it out with yourself, praying it out, or sharing with a friend.

As you think about your life and how you feel, there is something underlying that may be keeping you from finding peace and contentment in what you now have.  You may name it anxiety or fear.  But what is causing this anxiety and fear to flood your thoughts and feelings?  Sometimes with fear it is not wanting to be alone and afraid this is how life will always be.  It may be the loss of your safety and security.  Life did not turn out like you had expected which is the cause of your negativity, fear, or anxiousness.

You may go too far out in planning and figuring out what will happen.  The underlying cause of anxiety is focusing too far into the future and trying to fix and plan for every possible scenario.  It is worrying about everything and believing if you worry about it, you can prevent the bad from happening.  This is what is feeding the anxiety and fear.  It is bringing yourself back to the present, looking around you, and finding fulfillment in these moments.

It is staying more in the present.  It is acknowledging where these feelings come from and releasing their control.  See the beauty of the underbrush and learn from it.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Walking The Road To Easter

Christmas seems like a distant memory. It was festive with the Fantasy of Lights, the Home for the Holidays parade and celebrations with family dinners and the giving of gifts.  The season was filled with joy, hope, peace, and love as the Advent candles were lighted and words spoken about the coming of Emmanuel.  The decorations were packed away, and you weathered through the cold and snow of the winter.  Now Spring is here, and it is time to celebrate Easter.

The journey to Easter begins in a manger – a simple wooden trough where animals eat. A humble place for the Savior of the world to be born.  The lowliest of society – shepherds – were invited to witness the birth.  The star led the wise men to the Savior who is the light of the world.  But that is not the end to the story.  Jesus is not put away with the nativity set until next Christmas season.

The journey continues.

The season of Lent is the forty days (not including Sundays) before Easter.  It has been a time of prayer, fasting, and repentance. Many people give up something during the season to remind them of the sacrifice Jesus made for on the cross.

Easter is tomorrow.  So, what does Easter mean to you?  It may be a family time with a meal and an Easter egg hunt for the children.  It may mean the start of your vacation or knowing Spring is here.  Easter may mean great candy in the stores.  You may be numb to Easter and see it as just another Sunday.  It may be a Sunday you go to Church because you are expected to go.  It’s Easter.

The journey that began at the manger, goes through the cross and ends with the empty tomb.  These are the Christian symbols for the journey.  The manger represents the birth of Jesus.  God becoming flesh and being born as a baby.  God coming to be with us.  The baby, Jesus, grows up and begins a ministry by choosing twelve disciples.  Jesus’ journey is recorded in the Bible in the four Gospels – Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  Jesus is a teacher and a healer.  For some people, that is all they know and that’s enough.

But the journey is not complete, and it is not enough.  God had a greater purpose and plan.  The world is fallen, broken, and sinful.  God is a righteous and just God who is also loving and merciful.  There needed to be a perfect sacrifice to make humanity right before God.  God became human to pay the penalty for sin that humanity could not pay.  The journey goes through Good Friday.  Jesus died on the cross for the sins of all humanity.  The sins of the world were nailed to the cross, and through Jesus’ death, all humanity is granted forgiveness when they accept the gift of grace and mercy.  Jesus dies, but that is not the end of the journey.

Easter is Resurrection Sunday.  The tomb is empty.  Jesus conquered death and the separation of humanity from God.  Jesus is the bridge.  Easter is the celebration of Jesus being alive.  He walked out of the tomb.  There is victory over sin and death through the resurrection of Jesus.  The journey is not over, because of this victory, humanity has the hope of eternal life in Heaven with Jesus.  This is not the end. It is part of the journey home.  Easter gives the hope of new life in Jesus. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Lost in the Mire of the Dire

He pulled into the garage and scraped his vehicle on the garbage can leaving a scratch on the side of the vehicle.  She thinks if she surrenders trying to control everything something bad will happen because when she gives up control bad things always happen.  He messed up again and wondered why he could not do everything right.  She tried to take care of all the details but forgot something which would have made the day so much better.  She made the chili and when she put the chili powder in, too much came out.  How do you make it less spicy?  Oh, the bad things that keep happening.  Getting lost in the mire of bad.

Oh, you could go on and on with examples of the bad things that happen in daily life.  Usually not life altering circumstances every time.  Just mess ups and frustrating actions that influence the attitude toward the day.  It is distressing to experience the consequences of the lack of thought and focus that lead to less than perfect days.  You mess up. You make mistakes.  You do things wrong.  Life does not turn out like you had hoped and planned.  Then the focus becomes on all that went wrong and you become upset for not paying closer attention or not being smart enough to prevent the problem or bad outcome.

You get stuck in the mire – the distress or even embarrassment of what you did or did not do.  You have a difficult time letting go of your mistakes or situations that were not handled well.  You may ask God to forgive you, but there is no forgiveness of yourself for not being perfect.  You develop a view of not being good enough and feel you always mess up.

Other times you focus on the bad and pile up the negative incidents and events.  Soon all you see is the mire of constant distress.  You ask, “Why do bad things keep happening to me?  When will I get a break?”  Stop putting it all together and ruining the entire day.  When something happens that irritates and frustrates or was just bad, tell yourself that was just one incident.  Oh, well, it happened.  You cannot change it, but it does not have to destroy your mood for the day.  Release it.

When all you see are the problems, hurts, sadness, and negativity of life, you get pulled into the mire. You are stuck in a place that seems hopeless and impossible to navigate.  You are cast down without someone or something to pull you out of the mud that keeps you going in circles and making no progress.

Begin looking up and changing your focus.  Yes, life messes up.  Mistakes are made.  People hurt people and make accusations.  You are judged unfairly.  You do things without thinking them through and live out the consequences.

Life changes.  Circumstances happen that are out of your control.  It is accepting that life happens and how you handle it is up to you.  You can remain stuck in the pain and anger.  Or you can talk with God and get out the anger, frustration, and hurt and release it.  Be still.  Breathe in and breathe out your feelings.  Be calm and focus on what is good and count your blessings.

No easy task to change a pattern of life but it sure is worth it.  Situations and people need not control your life.  Sure, it creeps in at times, but then you need to surrender it.  Focus on the beauty of God’s creation, and look up more.  Look for angel wings in the clouds, the beauty of the blue sky, the trees, and feel the refreshing breeze.  Slow down instead of getting caught up in the things that have no eternal value.  The mire of life is not dire.  Not urgent, awful or terrible.  Not all of it anyway.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Smack Dab in The Memories

Memories.  They come at unexpected times and randomly.  Certain locations and places where you have had experiences in the past bring back memories.  These memories become alive and vivid within when triggered by being smack dab in the actual place or a similar experience or feeling.  Smack dab means to be exactly in that place.  Right at the moment to be precisely present.  It is to be in the middle of.

But what if you find yourself “smack dab” in the middle of a place or situation that triggers a memory of pain or trauma?  You go to the hospital to visit someone, and you are smack dab into the memory of the death of your spouse and those intense emotions.  You go to the nursing home, and you remember your dear friend being in the same place.  Your mind goes back to that moment in the past and you relive the experience and the loss. 

You find yourself smack dab in the midst of the pain, hurt, sadness, and a terrible day.  Do you give in to the emotions and throw the whole day away?  Memory is a gift from God.  We enjoy the happy and pleasant memories and try to let the bad memories fade. It is giving yourself permission to feel the hurt and sadness and pain but not to stay in it.

So you may be smack dab in emotions you do not want to feel again.  You feel the loss, sadness, grief, changes, and a different chapter of life. You are smack dab in the midst of today.  What if you gave today a chance and you focused on the good of today?  The blessings instead of the mess.  You trust more and worried less.  You find something that makes you smile.  You give yourself permission to experience the memories and are grateful for the adventures and the relationships. You focus on the good of the people in the memories not on the loss and grief.

Sometimes you may prefer being anywhere else than where you currently are physically and emotionally.  The past memories seem to be better and less stressful than your current situation.  Memories remind you that you survived the struggles of the past, and you will walk through your present pain and conflict.  You are not alone.  Look to your past and recognize those who walked with you and how your faith carried you.

You may feel smack dab in the middle of the mess of life right now.  Slow down.  Take some deep breaths.  Recognize what is good around you, and name those who can be of support and care to you.  Ask for help when needed. Release the need to figure it all out and to control the situation. 

Focus on the good of being smack dab where your feet are.  That is, smack dab in the middle of your current situation and life.  Focus on the now, not just the tasks and list of things you need to do.  Find a moment to just rest smack dab where you are and breathe in and out.  Slow yourself down and recognize the blessings around you.  Be grateful for what you have, not what you don’t have.  Look up and focus on the One who created the world.  Give life a chance.  It may not be what you wanted it to be, but it is the life you currently have.  Live smack dab into it.  Allow the memories to be your foundation to live fully now.  Memories are stepping stones into the present.  All you have is today, this very moment.  Change your focus from all that is wrong, to what is good.  Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to others.  When you do something good for someone else, it fills you up.  It gives your life meaning right now.  It was your purpose for being smack dab where you are.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Living Life Forward

Life changes no matter how much you try to control it and keep it the same.  When you experience change, loss, a new chapter or season of life, anxiety or fear, it is difficult to stay focused on the present and live in the moment.  Sometimes all you do is barely exist and take care of the necessities of life.  You try to hold on.

How do you survive and take steps into this different life?  First, you remind yourself of your foundation – what you build you life upon and what holds you up when life falls apart.  The foundation reminds you that you cannot sink beneath it.  It is what grounds you in life and keeps you from completely falling apart.  It is your faith, your relationships, your standards, and how you deal with change.  It is a belief in yourself and the ability to forgive and let go.

In order to live life forward, you need to deal with stress, anxiety, and fear.  They can have a stranglehold upon you, and you feel powerless to take any steps forward.  All you feel and see is overwhelming and exhausting.  You fear what might happen and believe all the possibilities of what could go wrong so you stand motionless and afraid to do anything.  It is being able to develop healthy coping skills to overcome anxiety and fear and live by faith and trust.

The past tends to take control of your thoughts.  It is releasing the control of the past and living in forgiveness.  You celebrate the memories and give thanks for the blessings and the challenges of life.  You focus on what you experienced and the love that never dies.  Love just takes a different form in your heart.  The past is the past.  It becomes part of your foundation.  You cannot change or alter anything from the past.  It is accepting it, celebrating the good, letting go of the failures and hurts, and learning from the mistakes. 

To live in the present, you need to find meaning and purpose in the life that is in front of you.  Find new opportunities and new adventures.  It is not filling your life with tasks and a “to do” list.  Tasks are necessary, but if they are your only focus, you will fall into a rut and be filled with anger and resentment.  You get lost in the muck and mire of life and feel stuck.  You lose your joy for life.

Change your focus.  Get to know and accept who you are now in this season of life.  Live in front of you.  Anxiety and worry are more future focused – what might happen and what if it happens.  When you are filled with anxiety and worry, you do not enjoy the moments in front of you.  Begin to simplify your life.  What is really important and necessary?  What can you let go of and not be controlled by possessions and worldly things?

All of these ideas and more will be explored in the seminar – “Living Life Forward.”  There will be practical coping skills shared that will help you live more fully in the life you now have.

Next Saturday, March 21st, Elaine will be leading a seminar – “Living Life Forward.”  Everyone is invited especially those of you facing loss, changes in life, grief, stress, anxiety, or for you, life has lost its meaning and purpose and you want more.  The seminar will take place at Trinity Evangelical Church – 108 Malabar Drive, Upper Sandusky from 9 AM to 12 PM.  There is no fee to attend.  You can register (just so have enough handouts) by calling the church office – 419-294-1535.  If you forget to register, you can still come.  Elaine’s books will be available.