Dealing With Sensitive Feelings

“You’re so sensitive” is usually a negative comment made by someone who hurt your feelings and then put the blame on you for being too sensitive.  The person did not think they did anything wrong, but you took it personally.  You felt hurt and not respected.  The other person may have been blunt or spoken sharply, and you reacted to their tone and attitude. Now what do you do with your hurt feelings?  You all have feelings.  You were created to feel and express emotions.  Nothing wrong with having them.  It is what you do with them that defines who you are.

Some people may have a sensitivity overload and are easily overwhelmed with loud noises, strong smells, bright lights or crowds.  It is being proactive and aware and know when to step away from the stimuli and find ways to self-soothe and calm your senses.

When being sensitive is viewed in a negative context, you may react to the statement by retreating inward.  You do not respond and give the silent treatment to the one who offended you.  Or you may lash out in your hurt and become reactive.  You believe the person does not care about your feelings.  You may create a wall of protection and not want to share your emotions out of fear of being rejected or made to look weak.

So, when someone hurts your feelings, how do you react or respond?  We all have sensitivities to certain words, actions, people, and situations.  Acknowledge to yourself what was done or said upset you in some way. It may have triggered past feelings that made you feel less than or vulnerable.  It is accepting that you are more sensitive and that is not a bad thing.  It is also knowing that some people just make hurtful statements.  Do not give them power over your emotions and feelings.  It is more about who they are than about what they said to you.

Sometimes you may be able to talk about what was said or done.  “Yes, I am sensitive.  Let’s talk about what you just said.  What did you mean?”  It is not becoming defensive but being open to a conversation and understanding what the person meant.  Sometimes this works and other times you may have to give it time and come back later to talk through it.  Other times, you just have to let it go.  It is also being honest with yourself.  Do you take things too personally and assume another person is intentionally hurting you?  By being hyper-sensitive to other people’s words, you are assuming someone is always putting you down and being negative about you. 

 Being sensitive can also be viewed as positive.  You are able to sense or feel another person’s emotions.  You are aware of reactions of others and what causes hurt and pain and what brings them joy.  You have a compassionate heart and choose to be sensitive to the needs of others.  You have empathy for others.  You not only see the need, but you sit in the hurt with them.  You can read a person’s body language and moods. 

 Being sensitive also means you feel the beauty and are aware of the things that take your breath away.  You use all the senses that God has given you and take in the world around you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Heightened State of Turmoil

You were told, “Just relax.”  You have no idea what that feels like inside of you.  Your inner nervous system seems always stressed, tense, and exhausted.  Your body lives in survival mode never relaxing or feeling at peace.  You have lived your life waiting for the next thing to go wrong and it seems something always happens.  You live in the uncertainty of life.

Some of you grew up in trauma and chaos.  Others of you have acquired the ability to handle trauma, pain and hurt because of situations that have occurred in your life.  You have defined yourself as a person with depression, anxiety, and trauma.  It has become your normal.  You stay alert, tense, and physically and mentally worn out and weary.  You have no safe mode.  The people you placed your security in are the ones who created the trauma and chaos.  You have no safe people who are stable and secure.

Even when life seems calm around you, that is, nothing major is wrong, your mind cannot relax.  You are not overreacting like you may be told by those around you.  It is just your nervous system – the communication network that connects different parts of your body like your thoughts, processing and movement – has forgotten what safe feels like.  You are used to trauma, grief, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, but you have no idea how to deal with peace, calm, joy and good in your life.

Your body was never meant to live in this heightened state of turmoil all the time.  You may attempt to process through past situations and even be able to understand how you got to where you are.  You recognize the causes of your pain and trauma and why your brain is always engaged with reoccurring thoughts that go in all directions.  You are awake in the night because your brain will not slow down.  Engaging in life seems like too much work. You become over-stimulated trying to function like everyone else.

Turmoil and chaos seem natural but the good feelings and enjoying the moments of life seem too complicated and exhausting.  So, let’s start with one good feeling or emotion at a time.  For instance, happiness.  Happiness comes from external stimuli that brings pleasure from what you are interested in or what you do.  What could you do that you like?  If you are not even sure what you like just try something – take a walk, play a game, ride a bike, eat ice cream, or watch children at the playground.  Take in the moment and truly try to be present.  Take a deep breath and let it out.  Allow your body to feel the moment.  Smile.  It is teaching your nervous system that this is a good moment and that there is nothing to worry about.  It is good.  It is a safe place.

It is slowly defining good feelings and emotions and then finding ways to experience them in your life.  You are attempting to replace the negative normal with the positive good.  It will take time.  Keep trying different feelings like peace, contentment, laughter, joy.  Define them and find tangible ways to experience them.

Website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – read Elaine’s blogs and newspaper articles.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Talking Yourself Into and Out Of

You feel tired but nothing out of the ordinary.  You worked hard.  You get up out of the chair and your body aches.  You start sneezing.  You have a headache.  You think, “Am I getting sick?  Do I have the flu?”  You talk yourself into being sick.  Or you can talk yourself out of it.  “I worked hard in the yard.  My allergies are active, and a storm is coming so the pressure in the air makes my head hurt.  I’m fine.”

You can talk yourself into doing just about anything.  You can rationalize – “one milkshake won’t make a difference in my blood sugar.”  You can talk yourself out of doing something just as quickly – “nobody will miss me if I don’t go to the family gathering.”  You can talk yourself into buying the latest model of something or talk yourself out of it because it is too expensive.

What is really going on?  It can be anxiety taking control of your thoughts and allowing you to go down the rabbit hole of all the worst possibilities.  You focus on the negative and make a quick diagnosis of the situation without stepping back and processing through.  You assume the outcome will be bad.  Nothing good ever happens to you.  You do not allow for a positive outcome or probability.  Your view of life looks for hurt, pain, and negativity.  It has become your normal.  You talk yourself into the negative and talk yourself out of taking the risk to enjoy life.

It is changing the inner self talk dialogue.  Talking yourself out of living in the past view of negativity changes your perspective and focus.  Life has good in it.  It is about attitude and acceptance.  You can also talk yourself out of enjoying the adventures and relationships in life, believing you do not matter, and life is not worth the effort.  Again, it is your attitude and negative slant on life.

Talk yourself into believing you have value and worth.  Talk yourself out of the thoughts that everything and everyone is against you.  Talk yourself into finding value, purpose and meaning in the moments of each day.  Talk yourself out of making excuses, not attempting the next steps, and staying a victim of your circumstances.  Talk yourself out of anxiety and worry.  Talk yourself into trusting God and prayer.  Talk yourself out of living in the past and being the victim.  Talk yourself into accepting you have value and worth and you are loved by God and others.

You have a lot of influence on what goes on inside your own head and heart.  Who are you letting in and listening to?  Talking yourself into and out of is that inner dialogue between good and bad, between existing and actually living.  It is a way also to look at both sides of a situation and decide what is best for you.  It can be a way to motivate – talk yourself into finishing a project.  It can be a way to set boundaries – talk yourself out of saying or doing something you will regret.

So, talking to yourself is healthy.  It is a way to process.  Know your boundaries and values in this conversation.  Talk yourself out of going down the negative path of life.  Talk yourself into enjoying life and being healthy.  Enjoy your conversation with yourself.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

I Will Figure It Out

“Do you have a plan?  No, but I’ll figure it out.”  “I figured he would not do it.”  “I didn’t figure that would happen.”  The term “figured” is used in everyday language and has several meanings.  It may be in your normal jargon without you realizing how many times you say it each day and in different situations.

You may be trying to figure out your life and why something happened.  You are attempting to make sense out of life and the tragedies and unexpected events.  It can be a continuous loop in your head – rehearsing what happened and the possible solutions and outcomes.   It feels like a mess, and you feel stuck and anxious in all the figuring. If this is what you are currently feeling, pause and take a mental break.  Pray.  Take a walk.  Do something physical to shift your focus for a moment.  Then ask yourself what your role or responsibility in the situation is.  Who can you ask to help sort it out?  Does a decision need to be made immediately?  Sometimes, giving your thoughts time, you discover a solution.  When you clear your mind for a moment of the intensity, you can think it out.

You figured it would happen.  You assumed the worst, and it came true.  Now what do you do?  You may live in assumptions and expectations of yourself, others, and life in general.  You try to understand the actions and behaviors of others.  You wonder why someone would say or do what you believe is wrong and not logical.  Your mind is processing and working through the reality that not everyone sees life as you see it.  You think the person will finally realize what to do to move forward on the right path of life.  You cannot solve how others deal with their life situations.  Everyone thinks differently.  To prevent frustration and anger, it is asking if the person would like assistance in processing and thinking through ideas to enhance life.  It is offering but being respectful if the offer is declined.  Pray for guidance.  Sometimes you need to release and let the person figure it out on their own.

You knew this would happen.  You expected it to turn out this way.  You had hoped it would be different, but it is not.  Let go of the anxiety and disappointment.  You cannot change it, so don’t take in the emotions of it.  Don’t take it out on those around you either.  Learn to let go.

“I figured” is also an acceptance that life happens and life is what it is.  You are living in reality and know good and bad things happen.  It does not need to devastate or defeat you.  Life goes on.  Now that it has happened, what are you going to do about it?  It is regrouping, accepting, learning from it, and moving forward.

Sometimes you have no plan, and you need to figure it out as you go.  You improvise.  You try it out.  Sometimes it works and you move forward.  Sometimes it doesn't work, and you learn from it.  When you figure it out as you go, you tend to live more in the present moment.

Go figure.  I figured you would understand.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Worn Slap Out

Are you exhausted just this side of dog tired?  Do you have low energy and a strong desire to sleep even during the day?  You may feel overwhelmed with the activities of life, and it seems you are burning the candle of life at both ends.  The old saying, “worn slap out” may fit your current mood.

Exhaustion can be both physical and mental.  Physically you may experience muscle weakness, headaches and difficulty just moving your body.  Mentally you cannot concentrate, and you become irritable with mood swings without cause.  You are likely to be more forgetful and find it difficult to cope with daily life.  When exhaustion takes over, you do not eat healthy foods because you are too tired to make meals, so you just eat whatever you find that is easy and you usually overload on carbs and sweets which may give you a boost then plummets you making you even more tired.

Exhaustion comes from many situations and is caused by a variety of life issues.  Sometimes you may accept too many responsibilities and feel overwhelmed that you cannot complete them.  Other times, the burdens, struggles and traumas of life leave you exhausted without hope of finding light at the end of the tunnel.  Exhaustion can come from physical issues and illnesses.  It also comes from mentally carrying an emotional load from grief, loss, disappointments, addictions, family situations, and the list is endless.

To take steps forward from being worn slap out, start with the things you can change.  Make your physical body a priority.  Stay hydrated and drink water throughout the day.  Eat smaller meals and buy healthier pre-made foods that are quick to grab like fruits, vegetables, and some type of protein.  Try taking short walks and getting up every hour from your chair.  Focus on changing your physical routine and taking care of yourself.

There is a difference between being tired and being exhausted.  Being tired is temporary and can usually be resolved through rest.  Exhaustion is chronic and has underlying causes and impacts your daily living.  You are carrying a load that you were not meant to carry alone.  Mental and emotional exhaustion can also make you physically tired.  It is not your responsibility to fix every situation and absorb the emotions of those around you.

You may be a caregiver who is exhausted.  You are processing the emotions of the changes of another person and each step and decline seems overwhelming.  It is never ending.  It is seeking support and help.  You do not need to be a lone ranger.  It is changing your routine and creating new ways of coping and new solutions that include a support system.

You may become exhausted because you are trying to do something that is not your passion or your talent.  You may need to admit that you cannot keep doing what you have been doing.  You are hurting yourself.  It was good for a while, but now it just wears you slap out.  Stop.  Give yourself some rest.  Refresh yourself.  You are not helping anyone if you are exhausted.  You will make more mistakes and not be a pleasant person.  Give yourself a break.  You may need someone to help you brainstorm other ways to accomplish what needs to be done. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How To Talk With The Dying

Death is usually a topic people avoid, and few people write about dying.  It is inevitable for everyone, but it brings fear and anxiety to discuss.  My experience as a pastor and a hospice chaplain has given me opportunities to talk about death and share last conversations with those who are in the process of dying.

You may shy away from being with those who are completing their earthly life because you do not know what to say and fear you will say something and cause more pain and fear for both of you.  Realistically, you cannot avoid death forever.  Someone you love will be dying, and you will need to be present with them.

Facing death involves coming to terms with you own mortality and what you believe happens after death.  Do you believe in life after death?  Do you believe in Heaven?  Because of my faith in Jesus, I believe in Heaven.  Because of my experiences with the dying, I know Heaven is real.

How do you talk with someone who is facing death and knows it?  First, you follow their lead – allow them to talk.  Do not stop them because you are uncomfortable.  Ask open-ended questions.  Be direct and allow both of you to express your emotions and fears.  Share memories of life together.  Let the person know the difference they made in your life and what you learned from them and will always treasure in your life.  Give yourself permission to laugh and share humorous stories of life together.  It is OK to cry and tell the person you will miss them.  If you try to hide the emotions, you are denying your loved one the opportunity to share emotions with you.  Be genuine and allow yourself moments of reality.  You cannot stay there long because it will overwhelm you with the finality of earthly loss.

There are some important statements that need to be addressed and shared to avoid personal guilt and regret.  They are statements that help the dying release and let go.  The issue of forgiveness is vital for both of you to release the past.  Being able to state, “I forgive you” and “Please forgive me” brings healing from past hurts and traumas.  Having the opportunity to say “Thank you” for the person’s life and legacy and for the person to thank you for sharing life together, gives purpose and meaning to life.  Expressing your love may have been difficult in life, but it is important to say “I love you” no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may feel.  Finally, it is saying those heart wrenching words of “Good-bye” or “See you later” which gives the one dying permission to die and leave this world.  It is not that you want to let go, but it is the completion of life here on earth.

Remember, love never dies.  The love you shared remains in your heart forever.  There are so many emotions as grief becomes a constant companion on the journey.  It is allowing yourself to have these feelings and stay present with your loved one as they transition from this life to the next.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s book – Living In The Different – to help process through dying and death.  The book can be purchased through Amazon or at Tea Story in Upper.

Dealing With Triggers

You walk into the store and immediately the smell of your husband’s cologne surrounds you, and you break down in tears because he is no longer here.  You hear a mom raising her voice to her child, and the trauma of your own childhood fills your thoughts, and you become afraid and want to run.  You see your daughter’s favorite toy and you are overwhelmed with grief because she is in Heaven.  These are examples of triggers that involve your sense of smell, sight and hearing and are associated with traumatic events in life.  Triggers create a reaction when unexpectedly exposed to an imagery that causes an emotional response.

Triggers are events, situations or specific objects that cause an intense negative response that stir up your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.  Many times, triggers take a person to a past experience – a flashback – and creates an immediate panic, fear or heightened anxiety.  You may physically feel sick and weak.  You may freeze and cannot do anything, or you may just turn and run – flee – to get away from the situation.  The trigger is attached to the memory of the past.  It comes unexpectedly without time to prepare your response.  You may prepare for the big triggers of calendar dates and holidays but not for the smells, objects or sounds of everyday life.

So, you are triggered.  It provokes negative emotions.  It stirs up anxiety within you and sets in motion your response.  What do you do to deal with these triggers?  If possible, step away physically from the situation.  If you cannot leave, then step away in your mind and emotions.  Ground yourself in reality.  Look around you and start naming the things you see and bring yourself into the present moment.  Use self-talk and prayer to remind yourself that was in your past.  Tell yourself, “I am safe right now.”  “My loved one is in Heaven.”  “Nobody is hurting me.”

Remind yourself it is going to be OK.  If the trigger brought the emotions connected to your grief and loss, allow yourself moments to be sad, to cry and grieve your loss.  The everyday simple things may trigger more than birthdays, anniversary dates and holidays.  You try to prepare for them, but not for smells or sounds.  Slow yourself down and experience the moment and the reason the intensity of grief affected you.  Acknowledge your grief and feelings of missing your loved one. Then focus on a good memory of your loved one that brings a smile and gratefulness for their life.  This is a way to process through the triggers of grief.

If the trigger brought emotions from a trauma and negative situation in your past, focus on something around you that is not related to the trauma – look up at the sky, take deep breaths and ground yourself in the reality of the present.  You are OK and the past can no longer hurt you.  It is processing through the trauma trigger and desensitizing yourself from the trauma. Release the past and its control over your thoughts and emotions.  This is a process.  Each time you are triggered, it is praying through it and accepting the past is complete.  It can no longer hurt you.  Then begin to replace the negative with a positive outcome.  Triggers will happen throughout life when you least expect it.  It is being proactive and prepared in your mind with tools to handle it because in the emotional moment, you will not know what to do.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Living In The Different

Life becomes different when you experience a loss especially the death of a loved one.  Your world totally changes because of your loss.  Life is different.  Your world may have revolved around your loved one especially if it was your spouse.  Life changed for you while it seems everyone else goes on with their lives without much change or thought about you.

You have a hole in your heart and feel empty inside.  You have all this love and nobody to share it with.  It is remembering that love never dies.  The love you shared is still a part of who you are and is your foundation.  It is what holds you up and sustains you in the low times.

Grief is the price of love.  Because you have loved, you will grieve.  Grief gives you a different perspective on life.  What you thought was so important before seems to have very little significance now.  Material possessions and status cannot fill the emptiness.  You begin to accept that you cannot re-create the old life.  It is complete.  You cannot add or take away anything from the life you lived with your loved one.  The love and memories are your foundation.  Nobody can take those away.

Grief feels like you are living in two worlds.  You live in the grief and loss within your heart and behind closed doors.  You may attempt to keep most of the sadness within you and not share it with those who do not understand, or you attempt to hide it from your family so that they do not worry about you.  It is finding those who are grieving too and sharing with those who understand.  You do not need to share your grief with anyone as long as you allow yourself to express it while you are alone and cry it out with God.

People who have not lost a loved one may make statements that hurt and are not helpful.  It is usually because they do not know what to say and want you to be fine and “get over” your grief so that they do not have to deal with the emotions.  Remember, there is no time frame to grief.  You will grieve in some way all your life because of the emptiness of not having your loved one.  Nobody replaces another person.  You just learn to live in the love and memories and live into this different life.

Sometimes grief feels like you are living in a snow globe.  You feel all shook up.  You never know when a trigger will happen, and you fall apart.  Things settle for a moment and then you get shook up from a memory.  Remind yourself you will be fine.  You will get through it.

For a while you exist and just go through the motions of life.  That is OK.  It is part of this grief journey.  You may not feel hopeful right now, but it is having a hope of a hope.  You know someday you will have hope and live in the moments of the life you now have, but right now you are grieving.  Give yourself permission to feel however you feel.

Grief is a journey.  Take your time.  Be grateful for the gift of love and relationships.  Give yourself time.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.

“Do you want to do it?  Sorta.  Do you like it?  Kinda.  Are you ready?  Maybe.”  Sorta.  Kinda. Maybe.

Sort of.  In some way or another.  You see or understand vaguely or slightly.  You are not fully committed, nor do you fully understand or accept.  Life is full of “sort of’s.”  Someone tries to explain an issue, why something needs to happen, or how something works.  Your mind tries to comprehend, but how it was explained may not make sense to you or fit into your value system.

Kind of.  Not definitive, but similar to or to some extent, not quite but somewhat.  You are not ready to fully commit or make the decision.  You kind of like it.  You might want to go.  You do not want to be pushed or rushed.  You are still thinking.

Maybe.  Perhaps.  It is a possibility.  It has a chance that it will happen or that you will do it in the future.  You are not making a commitment.  You may be waiting for more details or information.  Maybe is also a way of letting the other person down slowly.  It is “no”, but you do not want to be direct.

Sorta.  Kinda. Maybe. You may not use these exact words, but this concept is evident in your life when you are unsure and do not know the decision to make.  You “sort of” understand but you are not willing to admit that you have no clue.  There is nothing wrong with not knowing everything or not knowing what other people assume everyone should be knowledgeable.  Admit it.  “Hey, I do not understand.  Would you please explain what you are talking about with me?”  Ask questions to clarify.  It does not make you look dumb because nobody can make you feel any emotion.  If you accept what another person is trying to put on you – like you are dumb – that is your fault for accepting it.  Ask questions if you do not understand or it does not make sense to you.  That is the way you grow and learn.

When you are unsure if you want to go some place or experience something new, ask yourself why you are holding back.  If you are afraid you will not like it, you will not know unless you try it.  If you are afraid you will fail, it is not failure if you try and learn from it.  Sometimes we need to do things afraid and try new adventures.

Maybe keeps you on the fence of life.  What more information do you need?  Who do you need to be with you in doing something new or making a decision?  It is also fine to say “no.”  Sometimes you say “maybe” when you really mean “no” because you do not want to offend or hurt someone’s feelings.  It is saying, “Thank you for asking, but no.”  You do not need to explain and give reasons or excuses.  Your word is all that is needed.  Other times you need to get out of your box and try new experiences.  You need to follow through and find out if you like something or not.

Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.  It is a process but do not get stuck and never make a decision. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How You See It

She said that he was mean and always negative.  He was lazy and rarely was involved with his children.  She presented a cynical view of the person; therefore, you now have an unfavorable view if you accepted her perspective.

Other people may express a negative view of someone because of their personal encounter and then share that view with others which will influence those who listen. Everyone has a perspective based on their own experiences, values, and preferences.  If you base your perspective only on someone else’s point of view, you may miss out on a great relationship or experience.

When you listen to someone’s perspective, view it from who that person is.  Recognize how similar or different you are from that person, and why that person may be reacting the way they are.  The person may be trying to sway you to see the situation like they do and to therefore influence your decision and point of view.

Perspectives vary and determine how you view life and your attitude toward others.  If you are only focused on your little corner of the world and attempt to control and protect, your attitude may try to control others to see life your way and accept or reject others.

If several people witness an accident, each will have a different perspective based on where their point of reference was and what they were focused on at the time of the accident.  It is the same concept in life.  It depends on your focus and point of reference how you determine your perspective.

To prevent conflict and relationship disagreements, it is important to take a step back and assess how and why another person has a certain outlook on the situation.  It is good to hear another person’s point of view and not argue with them but ask questions to clarify why they see the other person or situation like they do.  Take the time to listen.  You may not change the person’s view, but it will give you clarity and balance and help the person state their reasons.

Your attitude can change when you understand another person's reasons and outlook.  You no longer become reactive, but you treat the other person as valuable and having an opinion or point of view that is different from yours.  It also helps you to look at your own perspective and evaluate it to see if you really believe it or have you misunderstood them.  Because people have different backgrounds and views of life with different focuses and lenses, people react to protect themselves from possible hurts.

It is finding a balance.  Reframe situations by trying to see them from the other person’s perspective.  Take the time to ask the questions with the desire to really know the person not to antagonize them or cause them to be defensive.  When you take the time to share your view with them and actually talk about where each of you are coming from, then you have a healthy dialogue and an acceptance of each other.  You learn and grow by gleaning from their views.  You may not change yours, but you acknowledge you can be friends and have different perspectives on life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Functioning In The Lows of Life

You feel sad, nothing motivates you or interests you for very long, and life just keeps happening around you.  When you think about the future, it does not excite you and you have no hope that life will change.  If you have some of these feelings, you may be experiencing a form of depression.  Or this reminds you of someone in your life.

You may go through the motions of daily life and appear to function well.  You put on a good front and other people may not see your sadness.  You go to work, take care of the necessities of your life.  You are existing but are not truly living fully and have no joy.  Your sleep pattern is either you want to sleep all the time, or you cannot sleep.  Sometimes sleep is your escape from life.

You exist outwardly, but inwardly you are drowning in negative thoughts, and depression has control over your thoughts and well-being.  You see life through the lens of your persistent sadness.  Your negative head space rehearses your past mistakes and failures, and the merry-go-round of life has your head spinning with no hope of getting off.  You do not feel good about who you are, and you lack motivation to change because you find it difficult to make any decisions.

Your reality is negative thoughts that have a choke hold on you.  These thoughts may have come from a trauma in your life or childhood experiences.  You have defined yourself through it.  Certain medical conditions also increase the feelings of depression along with genetics.  Also, one becomes conditioned to how a parent or family member dealt with life and then you respond in the same way.

You have defined your sadness and depression, and now steps are needed to move forward and make a change.  Yes, medication and counseling are very important and helpful, but personal steps of change are needed too.  It is important to acknowledge how you feel – sad, tired, lacking motivation and lack of hope.  Then it is accepting this is how you feel without judgment toward yourself.  You cannot deny how you feel.  Make it real.  Once you stop beating yourself up and accept you have these feelings, it is remembering they are feelings and do not need to define you or control you.  You can have them but not be them.

When negative thoughts intrude, it is accepting you feel that way right now, but there is more to you than those feelings.  It is putting a stop sign in your head, and telling yourself, “I give myself permission to feel this way for a period of time and then I am going to feel something different.”  It is beginning to add positive words to your head – positive self-talk and prayer.  “I am loved.”  “I have value.”  “I have purpose.”  It will take time to change your stuck record of negativity, but if you keep rehearsing the negative it will never change.  It is hearing yourself and reminding yourself of the good of yourself.  It is doing something different each day to get out of your rut.  Nothing huge, but small steps.  Focus on moments not the whole day. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

What Are You Building Your Life Upon?

When you build a house, you build it on a firm foundation to make it last through the storms and years of life.  When you build your life, you also need a firm foundation.  It is the core and basis of your life, the heart and reason that gives meaning and defines your life.   You need a solid foundation where you build your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  If it is not solid, then worry and anxiety will seep inside, and negative thoughts will put cracks in your foundation.  Then, instead of building a life, you focus on the cracks.

Your life has some basic foundation stones.  They have many different names but are basically the same principles.  These stones are faith, trust, relationships, values, morals, principles, ethics, and change.  When you view all decisions and situations through the lens of these stones, then you create a structure on your foundation.  You build on these stones throughout your life.  Be intentional in your choices because whatever you choose affects your outlook and attitude and can either make your foundation stronger or put cracks in it.

The first stone is faith.  What do you believe in?  Faith is believing in someone greater than oneself even without complete proof or understanding.  It is a confidence in what you cannot see but know is true.  For me, my foundation stone of faith is anchored in God and salvation through Jesus Christ.  The second stone is trust which connects to the stone of faith.  Who or what do you trust?  Trust is a reliance and belief.  Trust is the core of all relationships.  It is believing in the reliability, honesty, integrity and strength of someone.  Faith and trust go hand in hand with God and in your relationships.

Everything in life comes down to relationships.  Your relationship with God and your relationship with other people.  It is your choice whether you believe in God or a Higher power – someone who created the world and is greater than you.  That choice of belief affects your foundation and all other relationships.  How you view yourself is also part of your foundation.  Do you have a positive regard for yourself?  It is loving yourself.  This is a respect for how you care for yourself, what you put in your body, mind, and spirit.  It involves your outlook on life and your focus.

Another stone for your foundation is your values, morals, principles, ethics.  This is the glue that holds everything together in your life.  These determine your standards of behavior and what is important in life.  It is how you act and what you regard as acceptable and not acceptable.  It is how you determine what is right or wrong.  It is your code of conduct.

The stone of change is usually not regarded as a foundation stone of life.  If you recognize and accept that life is always changing, you will be prepared to face the uncertainties of life and continue to grow.  You will not get stuck in fear and worry but accept the changes of life as natural.  Change is inevitable.  Change also represents growth and building upon your foundation.  In each chapter of life, you change.  When you build on these foundation stones, you find meaning and purpose to your life and define who you are.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Worry

“I’m just a worrier.”  Some of you have said this statement and defined yourself as a person that will always worry.  You justify worry by stating it is just your nature, and it has become your normal way of viewing most situations in life.  You just worry.  If you don’t worry about everything, you are afraid it will happen because you did not worry enough.  Worriers believe if they keep worrying about what could happen, then it will not happen.  Worry prevents it from happening.  This is not logical thought, but it may be your reason for worry.

Worry is usually a focus on the future.  It is a fear of what could happen.  Worry is part of anxiety, but it is not the same thing.  Usually in worry you can control the intensity and duration of your worry, but in anxiety you cannot change your focus, and it becomes all consuming.  Worry can be more temporary, while anxiety is long lasting and permeates into all situations.  Worry is caused by real upcoming events, while anxiety is created in the mind and goes to worst-cause scenario.  Worry usually comes and goes, while anxiety stays and impacts the quality of life.

Excessive worry can be damaging if it begins to control your thoughts and how you deal with all situations in life.  It can lead to losing sleep and getting worked up about minor occurrences. Worry can create anxiety.  Worry states that nobody is in control, and you feel you need to worry about everyone and everything in your life.  Worry involves a lack of trust in people and in God.  Worry leads to anxiety when you put feelings and emotions into this worry and ruminate constantly over these thoughts.  Worry is damaging when you cannot let go of the thoughts and begin to worry about every detail of life.

Worry can destroy relationships.  You worry about your friends and family every time they go anywhere or do something that you may think is risky or you would have too much fear doing.  People get tired of the constant worry you have for them. It prevents you from actually enjoying life and trying new adventures.

There are ways of minimizing your worry.  First, it is identifying your source of worry.  For example, do you worry about the safety and protection of your children because you don’t know what they are doing, and you no longer have control?  Next, stop going to the worst-case scenario in every situation.  Begin thinking about what the best-case scenario is or most likely scenario and begin planning for the most likely.

Worry usually involves a continuous repetition of thoughts.  You keep going over and over the thoughts in your head, and you even tell people you are worried about them.  You have probably heard, “Stop worrying, I am fine.”  Or someone has said to you, “There is nothing to worry about.”  Now this usually produces more worry because you feel something is hidden from you.

Start recognizing when and why you worry.  Evaluate the cause.  Do you have any control?  Worrying will not change the situation.  As soon as you realize you are worrying, say a prayer, and focus on the good that is happening.  Slow yourself down.  Release control. Focus on life around you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Holding A Grudge

“I will forgive him, but I will never forget what he did.”  Is this really forgiveness?  You acknowledge that a person did wrong and apologized for what he did.  You accept his apology, but you do not trust him and believe he will continue to do wrong toward you.  You forgive but still have a feeling of resentment that continues to linger within you. 

You have a past that you cannot get passed.  You are holding a grudge.  It is a long-lasting feeling of animosity, ill will, and anger.  When you think of the wrong done to you, you still get emotional and have negative feelings toward the person.  Holding a grudge because of a wrong done to you, makes you bitter, resentful, and sometimes vindictive, having the desire to seek revenge.

Your grudge has affected you emotionally and has created behaviors in you caused by your past.  You blame the person who wronged you for your emotional scars and your behaviors.  You react a certain way because of what was done to you.  Emotionally, your grudge holds you hostage to the past.

The first step forward is to admit how you feel.  You have not really forgiven the person or let go of how you feel toward the person.  You are living in the past wrong.  Admit to yourself how you feel toward the person and the situation.  Make it real and do not sugar coat it.  It has affected your moods and emotions since the wrong occurred.  You have probably taken it out on others who had nothing to do with the situation.

Feel the hurt and pain.  Talk it out through prayer and self-talk.  Talk aloud or if needed with a friend or counselor.  Acknowledge what happened was wrong but holding onto it does not fix it or allow you to live burden free in the present.  Holding on to a grudge is just as wrong as what happened in the past.  Begin the process of forgiveness.  It does not excuse the wrong, but it frees you from the burden and hurt.  The other person is no longer in control of you and your emotions when you forgive.

Next, it is releasing the control of the past and what was done to you.  Release your grudge.  You cannot change it.  The person may or may not have changed, but you can change how you deal with the situation.  You have learned from it.  Maybe you need to set a healthy boundary with the person.  Forgive and release the person and the burden of resentment you have bottled up inside of you.  Give yourself the freedom to live in the present.

A grudge is a heavy burden to carry, and it makes you an angry, negative and bitter person.  It affects all your relationships and how you view life.  You begin holding grudges against everyone who has wronged you, and then you isolate yourself from everyone because you assume they will hurt you too.  Soon nobody wants to be around you because you have become a grumpy, negative person.  Release and live forward into life.  You cannot change the past, but you can change how the past controls you.  Live in the freedom of letting go of the hurt.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How Social Are You?

You are invited to an event and have agreed to attend.  It sounded like an enjoyable time and now it is here, and you are anxious and wondering why you said yes.  You do not want to go, but you gave your word, so you force yourself.  You end up having a great time.  So why did you get so upset and anxious? It was not like you had something else to do or it took away from anything in your life. 

For some of you this is how your social anxiety comes out.  You fear not being accepted.  Fear being around crowds.  You fear you will be judged.  You are afraid you will say or do something wrong and be criticized.  You fear being around people. You don’t want to be the center of attention.  Your anxiety lets people you do not know control your emotions. For others, if you are asked to lead the event or speak, how will you be accepted?  Will you make any difference, or will you be helpful to anyone?  Will others see how nervous you are?

You have your routine and when someone asks you to deviate from your daily routine and attend a family event or social event, you always say no or want to say no.  Your calendar is not full of activities, but you just get used to your little world.  You fear trying new adventures even when the activity sounds like something you would enjoy.  You have become a homebody and do not deviate from your space and choices.

Being at home is good if you are content, but if you have the ability to be active and interact with others but never do, you may have some social anxiety.  Some of you may prefer being alone.  Again, if you are happy with where you are being more introverted, and it works for you, be who you are.  For the rest of you who want friends, feel lonely and desire to be active in life, but just the thought of going out of your space fills you with anxiety and fear.  You want to go, but it feels impossible to take the first step.

Social anxiety is filled with fear of not being accepted, being judged, not knowing how to maintain a conversation, fear of being watched.  You feel self-conscious and lack confidence.  So, let’s take some steps to be more engaged in life with less anxiety.  Start slowly by going to public places for a few minutes and then leave.  You begin normalizing places and spaces and people when you put time limits on the interaction.  You have no obligation to talk with others or stay long.  Then you go longer and choose to talk to a person and slowly build up more interactions and places.

The key is giving yourself permission to slowly step into more socialization and set boundaries in what you will do and how you will interact.  You take control of the anxiety by not putting the fear as your focus.  You begin to normalize social interactions and find enjoyment in relationships.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Indecisively Impulsive

Is it difficult for you to make a decision?  You may be afraid it will be wrong, or it will cause a mess. You fear others may not agree with your choice, and you do not want to upset others.  Your desire is to keep life calm and if that means allowing others to make the decisions, then you just wait for someone to choose even if it is not your preference.  Making choices – even if it is what to have for dinner – brings some feelings of anxiousness and worry that not everyone will agree.

Maybe you are impulsive and quickly make a decision without much thought or information.  You do not consider the consequences and just see yourself as a free spirit who can handle whatever happens.  You do not consider the feelings and views of others but tend to push through your ideas.  You believe everyone will enjoy your idea.

You may be one that takes your time in making a decision.  You research and ponder all the options.  You gather the facts.  Look at the pros and cons.  You even sleep on it, never wanting to make an uninformed decision.  You go over and over all the facts and share them with others who may not be as interested in all the details as you are. You try to make a decision based on the facts and the best possible option.

These are two extremes in decision-making and problem-solving.  Impulsiveness has no forethought but is in the moment and makes the choice based usually on how one feels and is quick to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  Those who lean toward being impulsive usually enjoy the moment and easily can change and be ready for anything.  You may be spontaneous in trying new adventures which is the good of being impulsive. But some of the consequences can be devastating financially and in relationships.  You may hurt others because you did not take the time to consider their needs.

Indecisiveness never decides, and it is too risky to attempt making a choice.  You are the one when asked, “Where do you want to eat?” replies, “It doesn’t matter, you choose.”  You may then complain inwardly because you don’t like the food there, but you would never say anything.

Taking your time to gather the facts and do the research is good as long as it is done in a timely manner, and you actually make a choice.  Sometimes researchers take so long that you exasperate those around you because decisions are delayed.

Balance is the key to decision making.  There is a place for both.  It is good to be impulsive if it brings adventures and joy in life.  Doing activities on the spur of the moment without plan can be fun and fulfilling.  Making plans, doing the research, and making a decision within a healthy time frame is good too.  Decision-making builds confidence when your decisions work out for the good.  It also teaches you to evaluate what you learned when decisions do not turn out as you had hoped. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Embrace Change

Change is one of the guarantees and constants of life.  The only human being that truly wants change is a baby!  Life changes in each season of life.  Some changes are exciting like graduations, new jobs, new homes, weddings, and births.  Some changes are traumatic like the loss of a loved one, job loss, transitioning to a new place, and all the other types of losses in life. 

You cannot change what has happened.  You can only change how you will deal with it.  Will it break you and keep you stuck in the past?  Or will you embrace the change, accept that it has happened, release the pain, and take a step into this different way of life?

You can fight against change, but it still will happen.  When you experience any type of loss, you need to give yourself permission to grieve what it was.  You grieve the life you had and probably still want.  You grieve who you were in that life.  You also grieve how you felt then and how different it feels now.  You cannot live in the past.  You grieve in each season of life as your body naturally matures.  Your ability is different, and your body lets you know you are not as young as you used to be.

Change is a constant.  It is reframing the situation and gaining a new perspective on life.  Your life has changed.  How you interact with other people feels difficult and even how they respond to you may feel awkward.  This is what life currently is.  People expect you to be the same person even with the change in your life.

With change comes figuring out who you are now that the familiar and normal way of life no longer exists.  To determine who you are now means to believe you matter to yourself and that you can change and embrace this new chapter of life just for you. To embrace change means you open yourself up to going a different path and you accept change as a natural part of your life. 

It is focusing on a daily purpose.  Each day God gives to you a purpose.  Yes, our total life has purpose and meaning, but to embrace your current life, it is focusing on what your purpose is for this day.  Sometimes your purpose is to just rest and be.  It is allowing yourself to be the purpose some days and caring for your personal needs.  Other days, it is looking for a reason for your day.  It may be to bring joy and a smile to another person who is having a tough day.  It may be helping someone in need or visiting and listening to their cares and struggles.

When you have purpose and meaning in your daily life, you can accept the changes because they have brought you to this daily purpose.  Focus on today and not try to figure out everything about your future life.  You do not live in the past or future, you live in the present moment.  Find good and purpose in front of you.  Embrace life and the changes.

Check out my book – Live Different Moments – available at Tea Story in Upper or on Amazon.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Declutter Your Thoughts

Life is complicated from relationships to learning all the features on your new cell phone.  There seem to be unspoken expectations and assumptions that add to this complicated life.  You attempt to follow the unspoken rules of society and try to conform and be accepted.  It becomes work and clutters your mind.

You become hyper-focused on the expectations you assume others have of you.  Your mind obsesses over past conversations.  You wonder if you should not have said anything, or you should have spoken up when you were silent.  You re-play in your head conversations that happened years ago.  You assume the person remembers it too and is still upset at you.  You carry around a lot of stuff in your head.  It swirls around and seems to run on the repeat setting.

When you declutter your house, you start with a drawer, a closet, or a shelf.  One place at a time.  You look at each item to see if it is still useful and valuable to you.  You decide if it is needed or worn out.  You create piles or boxes labeling them – donate, throw away, keep.  The goal is to rid your space of items that you do not use anymore.  Thus, you declutter and simplify your home.  Let’s use this same concept for your thoughts.

You need to ask yourself, “Is that a good memory to keep?  Is it useful in my life?  Or is it something that does not matter anymore?  Can I let go of it?”  It is time to stop rehearsing in your head all the past hurt, wrongs, your mess ups, and what other people said and did years ago.  Forgive yourself and others and release your thoughts.  It is not forgiveness if you keep playing the record of what happened in your head.  Does it really matter today?  You cannot change what happened by keeping the thoughts spinning in your head.  When you find yourself going back to what you have released, put a boundary on them and tell yourself that those thoughts are no longer welcome in your head.  The past is the past.

Also, simplify your thoughts by not living in the future.  Put events and dates of importance on the calendar but not the emotions attached to the event.  Do the necessary planning but do not let your thoughts live in the future.  Pull yourself back to the present by focusing on what is around you now.

Rest your thoughts.  You do not need to keep reminding yourself of the past.  Your thoughts need a rest from the busy clutter of life, too.  Go outside and breathe in the fresh air and look up in the sky.  Give your thoughts a break from the media, your tasks, lists, and problems.  Give your thoughts an emotional break too.

There are a lot of thoughts in your head that have no relevance and are out of your control.  Maybe it is time to put these thoughts in a box and give them away too.  Negative thoughts pull you away from enjoying the life you have in front of you.  Let go of control and allow your thoughts to dwell in the good of life.

Check out my blogs on my website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturt

Living In The Different

Uncomplicate Your Life

There is a gadget for everything, and it is created to supposedly simplify your life. Your phone has an app for banking, buying, driving, exercising, sleeping, and everything in between. Amazon has what you need just a click away and delivered the next day, box after box. Social media contains ads for the latest style and what to drink to make you feel younger and have more energy. It seems every media outlet or podcast has the solution for your life.

The more one gains in possessions, the more they possess you. Material possessions are necessary for day-to-day living. You need clothing, food, a home with necessities. Society encourages the need for the latest, the biggest, the newest and improved, and the more you have the better you will live and feel. It is finding the time to learn and use all these newly acquired items. Do you really need all of them? Is your life so much better or does it feel more overwhelming now with all the latest technology and stuff?

So how do you choose what is right for you? Just because someone else has the fastest and most up to date version, is that important to you? Start with your own values, morals, beliefs, truths, and needs. This is the foundation for your life and helps determine what you choose to put into your life. When you encounter things that do not fit into this foundation, do not put it into your physical space or your head space. Just because other people place value on it, does not mean it has value to you.

Acquiring stuff whether material or emotional can complicate your life and hold you back from enjoying the life in front of you. If something does not give you fulfillment and joy, serves a necessary purpose or has a sentimental value, give it away if it is a material possession. Release it if it has an emotional hold on you that no longer has value.

Simplifying your life in material possessions may be difficult for some of you. The stuff of life has a hold upon you. You enjoy collecting things and having an abundance of what you enjoy. There is nothing wrong with collections as long as they do not control your life and become more important than actually living life. Recognize material possessions have value but do not give purpose and fulfillment.

Define your space and set limits. Define how you choose to live your life and what is important to you. Nobody else can decide for you. It is your choice where you put your focus in life and what you make most important. You are a spiritual being whether or not you have made a commitment to living out your faith. This foundation should influence all areas of your life.

You also have the right to choose who you allow in your physical space and emotional space. You have preferences, and you need to focus on those who are healthy for you and those you feel a responsibility. Live your life based on your priorities not on what others want for you. You were created to live life fully and abundantly, and it is up to you how you define it. Create your own healthy boundaries and limits.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Your View In The Mirror

Do you matter to yourself? You may take care of your family, your friends, and give your best to your job and career. Your value and worth are measured by your accomplishments and performance. How much can you complete each day from your “to do” list? Your faith may be a vital part of your life, but you use the same measurement focusing on earning favor and being a good person.

You put pressure on yourself to be perfect – to do everything just right and not make mistakes. You fear being judged by others if your flaws are exposed. Your value and worth are based on how others perceive you. You seek external validation. It is good to desire that people like, accept, and value you as a person. But if your worth is based on other imperfect and flawed people who are also struggling with their own sense of value, you may not receive the validation you are seeking.

Unfortunately, some people who do not have a sense of worth and self-esteem tend to be negative toward other people seeking to make themselves feel better by focusing on the faults of others. This does not work; it just makes you a negative and belittling person. Tearing someone else down does not make you look better. It makes you lose the respect of others.

Look in the mirror, the mirror of your soul. Look deep down inside yourself. Be kind to yourself. You have value and worth just because you are you. You were created with your own special gifts, talents, abilities, and purpose. Nobody has your uniqueness. Your worth is not just what you do, it is who you are. Liking who you are is not being conceited or prideful. It is humbly living the life you were created to live and being who you were created to be.

Some of you may be looking in the rear-view mirror focusing on who you used to be. This is a new season of life. What you do and who you are now may be different than the last season of life. Also focusing on the past mistakes and failures prevents you from living fully in the present. Learn from the past, forgive yourself, and release the past. It is complete. It is part of who you are, but you do not live there anymore. You live in the present.

Accept who you are and who you are becoming. Everywhere you go, you take yourself with you. Start enjoying your own company. Find activities that bring you joy and a sense of contentment. If you look in the mirror and want to make some changes, start with a plan. Take a risk and do something different. Enjoy just being. Fill your spirit with the wind of peace and your thoughts with good words.

Look at yourself. Do you know what you believe and what is important to you? Do not base it on other people’s views or how you want them to see you. Take the time to ponder who you are, what you believe, and the legacy you want to leave to those who follow you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different