Step In Step Out

In the holiday season, there are more social events and times to be with people from the community, your co-workers, and family.  People tend to come together to celebrate the season who usually do not interact socially.  Some of you enjoy these gatherings and thrive on conversation and crowds.  Others of you dread this time of year and would prefer the comfort of your home and a good Hallmark movie.

Either way, this time of year brings people together to celebrate.  Let’s refine our communication skills and our purpose in our interactions.  First, for all the extroverts – it is not all about you nor is it your role to fix everyone and share your words of wisdom on every subject.  For you introverts, to prevent people from asking you questions, ask the questions first.  Prepare in your head a few questions and let the extroverts talk.  You get to listen and smile.

 Both social and not so social people can use the “step in step out” way of being involved.  You “step in” to the event or gathering and be totally present in the moment.  You do not bring with you past experiences or fears.  You accept people for who they are in the moment with no agenda to fix them or avoid them.  You listen, share if you desire.  Participate in the activities as an adventure.  Then you “step out.”  You release the people and complete the event.  You give thanks for the moment.

For those of you in the midst of grief and loss, this is a tool to assist you in situations that seem too difficult to maneuver at this time.  You know you need to participate, but it seems too overwhelming.  First, you tell yourself that you will step in for a period of time and you set the time frame - maybe a half hour or an hour.  You observe, listen, respond with brief statements and then step out.  You need not share how you are doing with people who care but your grief is not their focus.  You do not need to absorb their lives or lack of understanding.

Anxiety may tell you that this is impossible to do.  Anxiety focuses on what could happen or go wrong and builds as it works through all the possibilities.  Step in is only focused on the moment and you are not responsible for anyone else or how they react.  That is just who they are today. When you step in, your focus is where you currently are, and you do not need to bring anything with you emotionally.  You pause those feelings and fears, and you experience the present moment.  Step out gives you permission to leave so your anxiety has no fear of what to do next.  You just step out.

You can do this with conversations too.  You step in and talk and when you do not want to answer questions, you step out of that direction of the conversation and redirect it yourself.  Or you totally step out and defer to someone else.  Do not give people power over what you share.  It is your choice.

Step in Step out gives you permission to enjoy events and celebrations with no long-term commitment both physically and mentally.  You just take in the moment without past fears or future worries.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How to Listen with Grace

When someone tells you something you already know, how do you respond?  Do you say, “Yes, I already knew that.  You don’t have to tell me again.”  You immediately express your knowledge and are quick to let the other person know your superiority.  Your focus is on yourself and your ability to remember and be in the know.  You do not want someone else to be smarter than you.  You put down the other person or quickly shut them down.

Let’s change the response to being more positive.  “Thank you for telling me.”  Or “Yes, that’s interesting.”  You give the person the joy of sharing their information and knowledge.  You keep to yourself what you already know, and you allow the other person to feel good about sharing with you.

Are you quick to let another person know that they have shared the story with you previously and you do not want to hear it again?  “Yes, you already told me that.”  The person continues telling you even though you have acknowledged that this is repetitive.  You become irritated and annoyed.  You do not want to hear the story again.  Let’s take a different approach.  It is giving the person grace.  Memory issues may be involved, or the person just enjoys the story and the memory.  It may define who the person is and what life used to be.

 When you were younger, you may have been quick to discount your parents and grandparents telling stories from their childhood.  You thought they were old and outdated stories.  Now you wish you would have listened to and remembered those stories.  You have an opportunity to listen differently now.  Look for the value in what a person says.  A person’s words and stories reveal who they are, what is important to them, and the value they place on their past and their relationships.

Let’s go back to how you deal with someone who continually repeats stories and only talks about themselves.  It may be a person in your family, your spouse, a dear friend, someone with whom you share life.  You cannot walk away from them.  The person has not changed in all your interactions with them.  You may have tried to share your similar experience only to have them go back to their story and not acknowledge what you shared.  Before you get angry and upset at them, try a different approach.

Give grace.  Listen and ask them questions about what they are sharing.  Engage yourself into the story.  Then in your head tell your own memory or experience that was triggered by their sharing.  It is a self-talk or God-talk your way through.  This way your story is not discarded by anyone, but you have the joy of remembering it and sharing it with God who always cares.  You can smile and the other person thinks their story brought the happiness. 

This is not a way to ignore the other person but a way to deal with the repetitive stories and the self-centeredness of another person.  You know the person will not listen to your version so why get hurt by them.  Share it within your heart and relive your own memory. 

Check out Elaine’s books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com.  Great Christmas gifts.  Also available at Tea Story in Upper.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Attitude of Gratitude

This is the season of Thanksgiving.  It is a time to give thanks for the blessings of life, and a time to gather with friends and family. Thanksgiving is filled with food, family, and football.  But in reality, it is a time to pause and reflect on your attitude and outlook on life.  Is your attitude one of being grateful for the blessings, the struggles, and the gift of life?

Yes, being grateful is a choice.  It is giving thanks in all circumstances and finding good even in the tough struggles of life.  It is recognizing there is good in life and acknowledging the source of goodness.  Your attitude defines how you see life and if you see the good.  An attitude of gratitude means you have an appreciation for the simple things of life and being kind is your motto. 

Some people have an attitude, right?  They are sarcastic and make comments that put other people down.  They react and get upset at the most trivial things and feel slighted if they are not consulted or the focus.  Their sense of gratitude is having everything given to them whether material possessions or attention.  When asked what they are thankful for, they begin to tell you their problems and are negative with a focus on what they do not have and need.  They are not who you want to sit beside at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

An attitude of gratitude involves your beliefs, your convictions, your perspective and point of view on life.  Your attitude is the way you think and feel which is expressed in your behavior.  Gratitude is a positive outlook on the blessings of life.  It is not just a feeling, but it is how you respond to life. 

The world is negative and focused on worldly possessions, believing the more you have and the more popular you are, the better life will be.  This does not make you grateful but hateful and fearful.  You always are trying to accumulate more to find happiness.  You rarely are grateful because it is never enough.

It is time to retrain the brain to have an attitude of gratitude.  It is being grateful for what you have and not focused on what you do not have.  It is seeing the good in a world of evil and hate and brokenness.  It is daily being thankful that you woke up, you are alive, you have resources to live, you have breath, you are loved, and that God is good and that God cares about you.

Your attitude is known through your behavior.  It is changing how you express yourself and what you do so that being grateful shines through to others.  It is a change of heart and change of focus.  There are ways to live out this attitude of gratitude in your daily life.  Be kind to others.  Kindness goes a long way.  You do not need to say everything you think or condemn another person for their different beliefs or different way of life.  It is being kind and respectful.  It is saying “thank you” to others and to God.  You are blessed.  It is giving to others from these blessings.  Give at your church, to organizations that are helping others, put food in the blessing boxes around town, visit people in nursing homes and who are home alone.  The list is endless in how you can give to others.  When you are grateful for what you have, you will want to share with others.  Being grateful and focusing on giving to others helps your depression and anxiety.  It changes your focus from yourself to others.

Be thankful for the simple things of life too. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

It Does Not Really Matter to Me

“What do you want for dinner?”  “I don’t care.”  “What restaurant do you want to go to?”  “It doesn’t matter to me.”  “Do you want to go for a walk now.”  “I don’t know.”

You have had these types of conversations.  It may sound like a person is indecisive and defers to the other person to make the decision.  Deferring can mean that you value and accept the other person's decisions, and you usually agree with them.  It may also mean that you have no preferences and would rather let someone else make the decision.  It may also mean that you do not want to make the other person upset and cause any conflict.

Sometimes it can be frustrating if you never express your preferences and always say it does not matter to you.  Does it really matter?  It may not matter when it comes to food choices, but it may matter in other decisions in life.  If you allow others to decide for you, you cannot complain about their choice.  You were given the opportunity to choose, but you did not take it.

Maybe it is being more concise in your response.  Today you may not have a preference, but you may on another occasion.  So, respond, “Today, I have no preference.  Go ahead and make the decision on this one.”  You are living in the present and expressing that right now you have no preference, but it is not how every future choice will be.

It is being aware of your phrase usage.  The phrase – “I don’t care” – assumes you do not care about the person or being with them.  Yes, someone may take it to this extreme.  What you assume in your head to be a polite way of being nice and letting the other person make the choice, can become a negative put down by the other person.  To promote conversation, you could say, “Let’s talk about some of our options.”

The other phrase – “It doesn’t matter to me” – can be interpreted as you could care less about what the other person wants to do.  What they are suggesting has no value or importance to you.  You are indifferent toward what the other person has placed value upon; you are dismissing it as unimportant.  Sometimes when this is the response, the phrase – “never mind” – is spoken and friction has been created.  A more positive response is, “I have no ideas right now, what are your suggestions?”

Another phrase used “That’s OK” – says that what someone did or said was fine with you when it really was not.  You downplay it because you do not want to cause any conflict.  If someone apologizes and you say, “that’s OK” – was it really?  Say instead, “Thank you.  I accept your apology.”

You speak phrases that may not reflect how you feel.  It is being more direct and paying closer attention to what you say and how you say it.  Everyone hears through their own filters, interpretations and experiences.  Slow yourself down and put thought to your words.  Listen more.  Pray before speaking. What is the person really asking?  What do you want to do?  Define what matters.  If you do not have a preference, then state that you trust the other person’s decision and will enjoy whatever they choose.

If a topic matters to you, learn how to share it directly, honestly, and meaningfully. Life matters.  Live life like it matters to you.

Check out Sturtz’ her books and blog on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Dealing With The Holidays

As you turn the calendar to November, the holiday season becomes the focus of stores and your thoughts.  The Fantasy of Lights displays are starting to be created in the Harrison Smith Park.  Hallmark Christmas movies are beginning, and Christmas music is heard in the distance.  But maybe you are dreading the holiday season this year.  It could be because of the loss of a loved one this past year, a new season of life, or changes that have happened this past year.

You recognize life is different this year.  You cannot re-create past holidays because life is not the same.  Holidays can be a tough time for a variety of reasons.  Memories are good, but memories can also be painful with loss and changes.  Loneliness is more intense during the holidays.  You watch movies where families are together, and the celebrations are picture perfect.  Your friends share their family plans, and you feel more isolated and alone.

If you or people around you have lost a loved one this past year, the holidays will be different from now on.  You will experience sadness and tears.  Do not avoid these feelings or attempt to fake it.  Allow the emotions to come and go.  It will hurt, but you will also have good moments and make new memories.  You still have people around you that love you.

Develop a plan.  You decide now what you want to do and what you cannot do right now.  Be honest with yourself.  Prioritize what is really important.  You do not have to do everything like you did in the past.  Ask for help.  Simplify.  What is really important to you about the holidays?  Be flexible and give yourself time to adjust to this new way of experiencing life.  If you are not ready to be with everyone and do all the traditions, give yourself permission not to this year.

For some of you, the traditions are important, and you want to do them for the sake of the rest of the family.  Know you may cry and that is fine.  There is an emptiness because loved ones are not there to celebrate with you.  But you can still gather and celebrate and remember.

Focus on the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Do not allow the media and social platforms to dictate your holiday.  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on your blessings.  It is a time to remember and give thanks for your loved ones and for those who have come before you.  It is a time to give thanks to those who began our country and persevered through.  It is a time to give thanks to God for the blessings of life.  For you, it is a time to give thanks for your loved one and for God walking with you through the changes of life.  Christmas is the celebration of God coming into the world through the birth of Jesus.  God comes to be with us – Emmanuel.

Simplifying and going back to the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas is a great plan for this year.  It changes the focus from your loss to the purpose of the Holiday Season.  Enjoy the moments and keep your focus.  Even if you have not experienced the loss of a loved one, it may be time to focus on the true meaning of the season and to enjoy a simpler celebration.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Being In The Know

Is it important to you to be the first person to know and have the knowledge of what someone did or said?  Do you feel angry or upset when someone else knows the scoop before you do?  It makes you feel important and even better than others because you know something about someone else that nobody else knows yet.

Some people are quick to find out and quick to share “the dirt” on others even before knowing all the facts.  This is a form of gossip – sharing rumors that are usually negative and without consent.  A person shares for the purpose of hurting another person’s reputation and making them look bad while trying to elevate one’s status because you know what is going on.

The reality is gossip in any form is hurtful and disrespectful.  Gossip lowers a person’s status and tears down other people.  One becomes arrogant and places a judgment on another person in gossip.  It is basically stating that you would never do what you are sharing and are better than that person.  This is not true.  The one who gossips has just gotten down in the dirt and revealed you are not trustworthy.  You give no grace or forgiveness.

There are two main issues here that can affect who you are and how you deal with life.  First, you think you need to know everybody’s business and have the authority to make a judgment.  Some would call this being snooty, snoopy, or a busy body.  It is making yourself the judge and sharing what has nothing to do with you.  Second, just because you know something does not mean you need to share it.  It is being judgmental and never giving grace and believing you have a right to share everything you hear.  You probably do not want others to share your life, so why do you think you can do it to others?

Some people are spending too much time focused on finding the bad in others and letting everyone else know it.  Change your focus to enjoying your own life and not creating a “soap opera” out of the lives of other people.  Share the good news and accomplishments of others if they want you to do so.  Ask permission to share.  Do not assume it is your responsibility and role to share.

Didn’t your mom teach you – “If you can’t say anything good about someone, don’t say anything.”  Find good in people.  Encourage others and not tear them down.  Give people grace when they mess up.  You are not the evening news that needs to broadcast it immediately without the facts.  Do something different.  Pray first.  Go talk to the person if you need to share it and be of support and help in the situation.  Pray with them and for them.

Sometimes the best gift you give yourself and others is to just listen.  Before you share anything ask yourself, “Is it true?”  “Does it build up or tear down someone?” “Is it mine to share?”  When you hear gossip and negativity about others, take the step of not sharing it, pray about what you heard, and then release it. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Sighing

You do not know what to say or do, so you sigh.  You are sad and cannot express in words the hurt deep down inside your heart, so you sigh.  You are tired and your body feels the pain, and you just sigh because you do not know how to get relief.  Sighing is a natural physical expression.  It is the exhalation of a deep audible breath that releases emotions and feelings that cannot be put into words.

You probably sigh throughout the day without realizing it.  You can sigh out of frustration, grief, anger, and it is usually a form of release.  Sometimes you sigh to release emotions and feelings that seem impossible to share. Other sighs are an acceptance of the situation.  You can even sigh when the feeling of wonder and awe totally amazes and words do not adequately convey the moment. 

Sighing is also a way to take the focus away from you and your need to solve the situation.  You just sigh to yourself and know you could fix the problem, but you know it is not yours to control or fix.  Sighing also admits that the situation is what it is.  You cannot change it or make it better. Sighing prevents you from saying something you will later regret.

Sighing is also a prayer.  When life feels overwhelming and complicated, and you have no clue what to do or what to say, sigh and release the situation.  You tend to sigh more in grief.  Your life has changed because of the death of a loved one.  Your life is different, and you may feel alone.  Sighing is a way for your spirit to connect to God because words do not come. You are numb.  Sighing grounds you in the One who is always with you and allows your spirit and the Holy Spirit to breathe together and speak for you.

Sighing slows you down and puts you in the moment.  You sigh as you work, and oxygen fills your brain and lungs.  Sighing can wake you up, and it can also relax you.  Sighing can release anxiety and worry and remind you that you do not need all the answers right now.  Just be in the moment and slow yourself down.  Breathe in and breathe out.

This simple breathing technique has great power and results.  It releases sorrow, fatigue, frustration, and countless other emotions.  It is audible and usually heard by those around you.  When you are alone and sigh, it reminds you to take deep breaths, that the weight of the world is not on your shoulders, and that you need not have words to express your feelings nor to pray.

Sighing is also the way your body prepares and composes itself to share deep emotions. You take a deep breath and put more oxygen in your lungs and gives you a moment before you speak.  Sighing releases the negative emotions, and it is a way your body speaks after dealing with challenging situations.

Listen more to the rhythm of your body and your breathing.  Sigh more to release.  Sigh more and take deep breaths to bring more oxygen into your system.  Sigh more to acknowledge you have no words to describe your emotions, but sighs are words from deep in your soul.

Let’s sigh together!

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Check out Elaine’s blogs on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Live In Front of You

He tripped over the cord and fell because he was looking too far ahead instead of where his feet were.  Ever do this?  It is not unusual.  People tend to look at what is coming next not what is currently happening in front of them.  Most falls happen because a person is not paying attention nor focusing on where their feet are and what is around them.  The focus is on where they are going not on where they currently are.

 This is true not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  You focus on what comes next and rarely enjoy where you are.  You planned weeks ago to do what you are now experiencing, but you are focused on what comes next instead of enjoying what you are doing.  You never truly live and enjoy what you have planned because you are always planning what comes next in your head.  You spend all your energy and time preparing and planning but never living and enjoying what you planned.

 You become preoccupied with worry about what is in the distance, so you never engage in the present. You go on a vacation you have planned and looked forward to for months, maybe even years.  You are constantly thinking about what comes next and never slow yourself down to be present in the moment and enjoy who and what is around you.  You come home disappointed.

 When you are in the moment both mentally and physically, you have acquired the art of living in the present.  You are living and enjoying life in front of you.  What prevents you from enjoying the moments of life?  Usually anxiety and worry consume you – always worrying about what comes next and anxious what might happen.  No wonder life seems overwhelming, exhausting, and lacking joy and fulfillment. You are either making plans or anxious about what could happen and how you will deal with it.

Take a deep breath right now.  Look down at your feet.  Where are you and where are your thoughts?  This is a healthy way to slow yourself down and to learn to be present.  Look at your feet and listen to your thoughts.  Bring those thoughts back to the now.  It is wonderful to daydream when you relax on your porch or in your comfortable space but do not add worry and anxiety to those carefree thoughts of daydreaming.

Look around you and ground yourself in your space.  Go to events, worship, interact with your family and friends, try new adventures, and engage in the situations around you.  Listen, participate, share, try new experiences, and step your whole self and your thoughts into the moment.  Find good in it.  Allow yourself to engage and not escape into worry and isolation.  If anxiety begins to creep in, look up and breathe in the moment.  When you look up, the only thing you see is what God has made and you just breathe in the Spirit.

Take steps to daily live in the moments and not think about what comes next.  All you have is today – find meaning in moments.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Healing Rhythm for Your Soul

Music comes in many forms, rhythms, styles, and beats.  Advertisements, movies and TV shows have a musical background or theme.  Rides at fairs and amusement parks play a continuous song to entice people to come take a ride.  You turn on your vehicle and usually the radio is playing on a station you have chosen.  Most restaurants, bars, and gas stations play some type of music.  It depends on the location and type of eating establishment what the music genre is. Music is great for working out, walking or running.  It helps to keep your energy up and gives you a good pace. Worship services are filled with music – choirs, praise bands, and congregational singing.  Music is such an integral part of life.

When you hear a familiar song, it may amaze you that you can sing along and know most of the words to songs you have not heard in years.  Songs bring back memories and are connected to events and people.  A song may bring tears to you as you think of your mom or dad because it was their favorite song.  There is a lot of nostalgia related to music – your alma mater fight song, your wedding song, or your favorite love song from your dating years.

 Music goes deep within your soul.  Even people with dementia will remember songs from their lives especially hymns of their faith and be able to sing the entire song from memory.  Music is a rhythm that the brain sustains.  When you listen to music, your body may begin to sway back and forth and you feel the sensations of the beat, and your mind takes in the words to that particular beat.  That is why you remember so quickly a song from just a few notes.  Songs become familiar and are usually tied with a memory.

Everyone has different styles that move them – gospel, contemporary worship songs, country, bluegrass, jazz, classical, pop, rock, and alternative.  There are so many styles and many of them blend together.  Music is also a way to express your emotions.  You may not be able to put into words how you feel, but a song will clarify and define those feelings for you.  Music makes you laugh, cry, release anger, and gives you a place to sit in the sadness and soak in the rhythm.  You can feel your pain and your joy.

 Music also brings healing in your grief.  It is finding songs to express how you feel at each stage and chapter of grief.  You may keep your grief and your feelings private, and music can be a way to give yourself permission to feel and release those emotions.  It is recognizing in grief and loss, you may not be able to name feelings.  Songs can put into words what your heart finds impossible to define.

Music is a tool to release emotions and bring you out of depression and slow you down in your stress and anxiety.  It also helps you enjoy the current moment and connect past memories with present joy.  Music is healing to your souls.  So spend some time every day taking in the rhythm and get lost for a moment or two in the melody, the words, and the memories.

Listening to music, playing music, writing music, and just being a fan of music will bring joy into your heart and healing to your soul. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Escaping, Stuffing and Releasing

Someone said something that hurt your feelings, but you do not want to say anything because you want to avoid possible conflict.  So, you stuff those feelings down inside of you.  Whenever you see this person, those feelings come back, and you pretend everything is fine.  You just keep stuffing how you feel.  Soon you become numb to feelings and have developed a habit of pushing down all feelings.

 Sometimes these feelings attempt to come to the surface, so you put food on top of them to keep them hidden.  You have become an emotional eater.  You eat your feelings instead of naming them and dealing with them.  You have become afraid to admit your feelings out of fear of being looked down upon or rejected by others.  You fear others will see you as weak or will belittle you for being so sensitive. 

When you eat your feelings, you are punishing yourself and causing other health problems.  You develop a habit, and food becomes an escape from dealing with life and the emotions connected to the problems and situations of life.  You may stuff your feelings down inside by a variety of addictions – alcohol, drugs, porn, smoking, food, gaming, gambling, media, or shopping.  These are just a few ways to escape dealing with life. You use an outside source – something that is a possession, object or something you can see – to deal with internal feelings.

Anytime life seems hard, or something triggers emotions and feelings that you do not want to deal with, you escape to your method of dealing with life and it becomes an addiction.  It now brings you comfort and a false sense of security.  You don’t deal with anything in hopes that it will go away.  It never goes away so you just keep turning toward your addiction because it is familiar and no longer requires thought.  It has become a habit and an uncontrollable urge to retreat or escape life.  You become dependent and lack control over it.

You may not regard yourself as an addict.  You still function well in life and take care of the necessities of daily living.  You work.  You interact with your family.  You attend church and are involved in your community.  Life feels normal to you.  There is a part of your life that you compartmentalize – how you deal with feelings, emotions, and the hard things of life.  You just escape from them and stuff them deep inside you hoping that they never see daylight.

You are not an addict as society defines an addict, but you rely on another substance to get you through the tough stuff of life.  Want to do something different and retrain your brain?  Your brain has developed a way of thinking that escaping and using these negative addictions are natural and just who you are.  This is distorted thinking and not true.  It is admitting first that you do escape and stuff and desire to change this habit.  Then, it is naming feelings and being aware of how you react and allowing yourself to feel these feelings.  Then, it is finding healthy ways to release them and not stuff them down inside of you.  For instance, anger is a physical emotion that needs to be released physically.  You can punch a pillow, a punching bag, use pool noodles to beat up something, and then let it go.

It is changing your stuffing and escaping to releasing and letting go.  Pray and let it go.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Feeling Out of Sorts

You are irritated.  You took your car to be serviced.  You had a long wait and now a part needs to be ordered, and you will need to come back.  The weather was cloudy and dreary, and you have absorbed the same mood.  You are feeling “out of sorts.” Your spirits are low, and you are impatient, grumpy, cranky, and just in a mood.  You feel “blah.”

Moods tend to change with the weather and situations of life.  Something happens that you did not expect.  You become frustrated and that mood becomes your attitude toward everything around you.  It creates a negativity toward others and life in general.  You begin to think everyone is against you, and nothing you attempt will turn out right.  It becomes that all or nothing mentality.

Life has its issues and problems, but it is not all bad nor is everyone and everything out to get you.  It is separating situations.  The car repair has nothing to do with who you are.  Things break and need repairs.  That is life.  It does not need to ruin your day.  You cannot change it.  You accept the broken and find a way to deal with it.  Sometimes you may need to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help.  You were created to live in community with others, and sometimes we all need a little help and encouragement.

So, how do you get past feeling out of sorts?  After you separate the incident that triggered your grouchy feelings, change your focus from yourself to others.  Compliment someone.  Do something for someone else.  It gets yourself out of the “woe is me” attitude.  It also gives purpose and meaning to your moments.  You recognize what made you irritated really does not matter as much as you let it get to you.  Priorities get messed up when you put so much emphasis on things that will not matter tomorrow, next week or next year.  Relationships and how we care for others have eternal value.

 Then, look up to release the “out of sorts” feelings.  When you go outside and look up, you see no material possessions.  All you see is creation – the birds, the sky, the clouds, the trees.  Take a deep breath and breathe in the moment.  Then release your breath and let go of whatever has a hold on your attitude.  Think about what really is important, who you are, and whose you are.

 If what you are doing has you feeling out of sorts, maybe you should not be doing it. Sometimes you have no choice but to do what you are currently doing.  It may be your job or caring for someone.  Then focus not on the big picture but try to find something in the experience that brings you joy.  Smile at co-workers and enjoy something humorous together.  Ask questions to the one you are caring for that focuses on who the person is and what the person enjoys. 

Get out of your head.  Your thoughts are stuck in the rut of self-pity and woe.  You feed this negativity by connecting it to every situation and person.  Sometimes you just have to sit down and talk to yourself.  “Self, what happened does not need to change my attitude.  It happened.  Now move on from it.  Don’t take it out on everyone around you.”  Turn yourself around and look for the good.

 Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Feeling Time Stamped

Life events are recorded and remembered based on the time and date they occur.  You remember births, deaths, anniversaries, and when trips or major life changes happened based on the dates.  Some people are great at remembering dates and even the exact time.  These events are time stamped in your head and heart as memories you share and pull out to reminisce.  They are part of who you are.  The past is full of these time stamped moments.  They have made you who you are.

Some people may have time stamped you.  They only have one view of you – how you interacted or reacted at one time in your life and that view never changes.  You may have changed and matured but they still see you how you used to be.  For instance, you may have been immature and done some stupid things, but now you have matured and are grounded in your faith, but the family still treats you as immature.  You have been time stamped by other people who cannot get past their previous view of you and give you another chance.

You may have time stamped yourself.  You live in a past that you cannot get past.  You were hurt by another person and remain in the victim mode of life.  You had trauma and still define yourself by the date and time of the trauma.  Yes, it happened and the pain and hurt was real.  It has influenced your emotions and behaviors.  You have allowed yourself to stay in this misery instead of healing from it and not allowing it to define who you are now.  You have time stamped yourself.

To time stamp yourself is to allow something that happened in your past or how you reacted or behaved to be your view of yourself now.  You feel life stopped after the death of a loved one.  You stopped enjoying life and just exist now.  You may have time stamped life in general.  You will never get out of debt.  You will always struggle.  You will never get ahead.  You will always be stuck.  You will always be anxious, depressed, and worried.  You live in the shadow of how others see you.  Time has stopped, and you are not progressing or growing.  You feel stuck and stale. Even in your faith, you may have time stamped yourself. 

Let’s find some ways to break out of the negative time stamped view.  It is acknowledging the past happened.  Some of it was good, and you want to keep the memories as your foundation of life.  Some of it created emotions and behaviors that you can change.  Trauma and hurt happened, but it was in the past.  Begin to desensitize yourself to it – acknowledge it but remind yourself it cannot hurt you anymore.  It has no control over you.

It is finding good in life and making positive changes.  Recognize the good in yourself.  This is the life you now have.  Do different things to get unstuck.  Stop blaming life and take responsibility for the life you now have.  Time moves forward.  It may not be what you chose or wanted, but it is what you now have.  The only way other people can change their view of you, is by you changing your behaviors and how you live forward in life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Befuddled With Excuses

You are invited to two different events on the same day, and you need to make a choice between them.  Which one do you choose?  How do you make the decision?  Who or what influences your choice?

When it comes to choices, someone has your ear.  That is, someone or something influences your decision.  Many people make decisions based on other people – what they are doing or what they will think of you if you choose differently than they do.  You may try to please others at the expense of your feelings and preferences.  You are afraid of the repercussions of not going or doing what you have been asked to do.

If you decide to decline the invitation, do you make an excuse or explain the reason why you will not be attending?  By explaining you are trying to justify your “no.”  You may fear rejection if it is not a good enough excuse.  You over-explain the “why” out of fear of being judged.  Who have you given control of your life to so that you feel you have to explain your choices?  If you do not want to go, just say no and decline – no reason or explanation.  Your word is enough.  Yes, this scares you, doesn’t it?

When asked why you cannot come to the event, you become bumfuzzled or befuddled.  You get flustered when put on the spot and are unable to think clearly.  You begin to apologize and make all kinds of excuses.  You even make some of them up.  You cornered yourself and allowed someone else to control your life and your decisions.  When this happens, you will feel miserable and lack self-worth and confidence.

First, excuses are rarely good.  It just makes the other person who invited you feel not important because you did not choose them.  You get flustered and words just come out of your mouth.  These words most of the time are lies.  You are trying to “save face” but it just makes it worse.  You are bumfuzzled – you have been made to feel confused and have lost your composure causing you to feel anxious.  Now what do you do?  It is like getting caught because your excuse did not measure up.

You need some help.  So be more proactive with your responses so you do not feel these intense feelings and get confused.  Learn to decline invitations gracefully – “Thank you for your invite. I appreciate your offer but at this time I need to decline.”  No reason and no explanation or excuse.  You did it directly and with respect and dignity.  You may even add – “Keep me in mind next time.”  This tells the person that they have worth and you may be willing to enjoy their company in the future.  No promises but a possibility.

Excuses are given to avoid doing something or to justify why you did something.  You defend or justify your actions.  Most people do not want to hear your excuse.  Don’t live trying to excuse yourself from being the person you were created to be and doing the things you are made to do.  Agree to do what you need and want to do.  Decline what you do not need or want to do.  Learn to make good decisions.  How?  Pray.  Ground yourself in truth. Trust yourself and learn from your mistakes.  Live forward not in fear and excuses.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s other writings – her blogs and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Dealing With Sensitive Feelings

“You’re so sensitive” is usually a negative comment made by someone who hurt your feelings and then put the blame on you for being too sensitive.  The person did not think they did anything wrong, but you took it personally.  You felt hurt and not respected.  The other person may have been blunt or spoken sharply, and you reacted to their tone and attitude. Now what do you do with your hurt feelings?  You all have feelings.  You were created to feel and express emotions.  Nothing wrong with having them.  It is what you do with them that defines who you are.

Some people may have a sensitivity overload and are easily overwhelmed with loud noises, strong smells, bright lights or crowds.  It is being proactive and aware and know when to step away from the stimuli and find ways to self-soothe and calm your senses.

When being sensitive is viewed in a negative context, you may react to the statement by retreating inward.  You do not respond and give the silent treatment to the one who offended you.  Or you may lash out in your hurt and become reactive.  You believe the person does not care about your feelings.  You may create a wall of protection and not want to share your emotions out of fear of being rejected or made to look weak.

So, when someone hurts your feelings, how do you react or respond?  We all have sensitivities to certain words, actions, people, and situations.  Acknowledge to yourself what was done or said upset you in some way. It may have triggered past feelings that made you feel less than or vulnerable.  It is accepting that you are more sensitive and that is not a bad thing.  It is also knowing that some people just make hurtful statements.  Do not give them power over your emotions and feelings.  It is more about who they are than about what they said to you.

Sometimes you may be able to talk about what was said or done.  “Yes, I am sensitive.  Let’s talk about what you just said.  What did you mean?”  It is not becoming defensive but being open to a conversation and understanding what the person meant.  Sometimes this works and other times you may have to give it time and come back later to talk through it.  Other times, you just have to let it go.  It is also being honest with yourself.  Do you take things too personally and assume another person is intentionally hurting you?  By being hyper-sensitive to other people’s words, you are assuming someone is always putting you down and being negative about you. 

 Being sensitive can also be viewed as positive.  You are able to sense or feel another person’s emotions.  You are aware of reactions of others and what causes hurt and pain and what brings them joy.  You have a compassionate heart and choose to be sensitive to the needs of others.  You have empathy for others.  You not only see the need, but you sit in the hurt with them.  You can read a person’s body language and moods. 

 Being sensitive also means you feel the beauty and are aware of the things that take your breath away.  You use all the senses that God has given you and take in the world around you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Heightened State of Turmoil

You were told, “Just relax.”  You have no idea what that feels like inside of you.  Your inner nervous system seems always stressed, tense, and exhausted.  Your body lives in survival mode never relaxing or feeling at peace.  You have lived your life waiting for the next thing to go wrong and it seems something always happens.  You live in the uncertainty of life.

Some of you grew up in trauma and chaos.  Others of you have acquired the ability to handle trauma, pain and hurt because of situations that have occurred in your life.  You have defined yourself as a person with depression, anxiety, and trauma.  It has become your normal.  You stay alert, tense, and physically and mentally worn out and weary.  You have no safe mode.  The people you placed your security in are the ones who created the trauma and chaos.  You have no safe people who are stable and secure.

Even when life seems calm around you, that is, nothing major is wrong, your mind cannot relax.  You are not overreacting like you may be told by those around you.  It is just your nervous system – the communication network that connects different parts of your body like your thoughts, processing and movement – has forgotten what safe feels like.  You are used to trauma, grief, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, but you have no idea how to deal with peace, calm, joy and good in your life.

Your body was never meant to live in this heightened state of turmoil all the time.  You may attempt to process through past situations and even be able to understand how you got to where you are.  You recognize the causes of your pain and trauma and why your brain is always engaged with reoccurring thoughts that go in all directions.  You are awake in the night because your brain will not slow down.  Engaging in life seems like too much work. You become over-stimulated trying to function like everyone else.

Turmoil and chaos seem natural but the good feelings and enjoying the moments of life seem too complicated and exhausting.  So, let’s start with one good feeling or emotion at a time.  For instance, happiness.  Happiness comes from external stimuli that brings pleasure from what you are interested in or what you do.  What could you do that you like?  If you are not even sure what you like just try something – take a walk, play a game, ride a bike, eat ice cream, or watch children at the playground.  Take in the moment and truly try to be present.  Take a deep breath and let it out.  Allow your body to feel the moment.  Smile.  It is teaching your nervous system that this is a good moment and that there is nothing to worry about.  It is good.  It is a safe place.

It is slowly defining good feelings and emotions and then finding ways to experience them in your life.  You are attempting to replace the negative normal with the positive good.  It will take time.  Keep trying different feelings like peace, contentment, laughter, joy.  Define them and find tangible ways to experience them.

Website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – read Elaine’s blogs and newspaper articles.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Talking Yourself Into and Out Of

You feel tired but nothing out of the ordinary.  You worked hard.  You get up out of the chair and your body aches.  You start sneezing.  You have a headache.  You think, “Am I getting sick?  Do I have the flu?”  You talk yourself into being sick.  Or you can talk yourself out of it.  “I worked hard in the yard.  My allergies are active, and a storm is coming so the pressure in the air makes my head hurt.  I’m fine.”

You can talk yourself into doing just about anything.  You can rationalize – “one milkshake won’t make a difference in my blood sugar.”  You can talk yourself out of doing something just as quickly – “nobody will miss me if I don’t go to the family gathering.”  You can talk yourself into buying the latest model of something or talk yourself out of it because it is too expensive.

What is really going on?  It can be anxiety taking control of your thoughts and allowing you to go down the rabbit hole of all the worst possibilities.  You focus on the negative and make a quick diagnosis of the situation without stepping back and processing through.  You assume the outcome will be bad.  Nothing good ever happens to you.  You do not allow for a positive outcome or probability.  Your view of life looks for hurt, pain, and negativity.  It has become your normal.  You talk yourself into the negative and talk yourself out of taking the risk to enjoy life.

It is changing the inner self talk dialogue.  Talking yourself out of living in the past view of negativity changes your perspective and focus.  Life has good in it.  It is about attitude and acceptance.  You can also talk yourself out of enjoying the adventures and relationships in life, believing you do not matter, and life is not worth the effort.  Again, it is your attitude and negative slant on life.

Talk yourself into believing you have value and worth.  Talk yourself out of the thoughts that everything and everyone is against you.  Talk yourself into finding value, purpose and meaning in the moments of each day.  Talk yourself out of making excuses, not attempting the next steps, and staying a victim of your circumstances.  Talk yourself out of anxiety and worry.  Talk yourself into trusting God and prayer.  Talk yourself out of living in the past and being the victim.  Talk yourself into accepting you have value and worth and you are loved by God and others.

You have a lot of influence on what goes on inside your own head and heart.  Who are you letting in and listening to?  Talking yourself into and out of is that inner dialogue between good and bad, between existing and actually living.  It is a way also to look at both sides of a situation and decide what is best for you.  It can be a way to motivate – talk yourself into finishing a project.  It can be a way to set boundaries – talk yourself out of saying or doing something you will regret.

So, talking to yourself is healthy.  It is a way to process.  Know your boundaries and values in this conversation.  Talk yourself out of going down the negative path of life.  Talk yourself into enjoying life and being healthy.  Enjoy your conversation with yourself.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

I Will Figure It Out

“Do you have a plan?  No, but I’ll figure it out.”  “I figured he would not do it.”  “I didn’t figure that would happen.”  The term “figured” is used in everyday language and has several meanings.  It may be in your normal jargon without you realizing how many times you say it each day and in different situations.

You may be trying to figure out your life and why something happened.  You are attempting to make sense out of life and the tragedies and unexpected events.  It can be a continuous loop in your head – rehearsing what happened and the possible solutions and outcomes.   It feels like a mess, and you feel stuck and anxious in all the figuring. If this is what you are currently feeling, pause and take a mental break.  Pray.  Take a walk.  Do something physical to shift your focus for a moment.  Then ask yourself what your role or responsibility in the situation is.  Who can you ask to help sort it out?  Does a decision need to be made immediately?  Sometimes, giving your thoughts time, you discover a solution.  When you clear your mind for a moment of the intensity, you can think it out.

You figured it would happen.  You assumed the worst, and it came true.  Now what do you do?  You may live in assumptions and expectations of yourself, others, and life in general.  You try to understand the actions and behaviors of others.  You wonder why someone would say or do what you believe is wrong and not logical.  Your mind is processing and working through the reality that not everyone sees life as you see it.  You think the person will finally realize what to do to move forward on the right path of life.  You cannot solve how others deal with their life situations.  Everyone thinks differently.  To prevent frustration and anger, it is asking if the person would like assistance in processing and thinking through ideas to enhance life.  It is offering but being respectful if the offer is declined.  Pray for guidance.  Sometimes you need to release and let the person figure it out on their own.

You knew this would happen.  You expected it to turn out this way.  You had hoped it would be different, but it is not.  Let go of the anxiety and disappointment.  You cannot change it, so don’t take in the emotions of it.  Don’t take it out on those around you either.  Learn to let go.

“I figured” is also an acceptance that life happens and life is what it is.  You are living in reality and know good and bad things happen.  It does not need to devastate or defeat you.  Life goes on.  Now that it has happened, what are you going to do about it?  It is regrouping, accepting, learning from it, and moving forward.

Sometimes you have no plan, and you need to figure it out as you go.  You improvise.  You try it out.  Sometimes it works and you move forward.  Sometimes it doesn't work, and you learn from it.  When you figure it out as you go, you tend to live more in the present moment.

Go figure.  I figured you would understand.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Worn Slap Out

Are you exhausted just this side of dog tired?  Do you have low energy and a strong desire to sleep even during the day?  You may feel overwhelmed with the activities of life, and it seems you are burning the candle of life at both ends.  The old saying, “worn slap out” may fit your current mood.

Exhaustion can be both physical and mental.  Physically you may experience muscle weakness, headaches and difficulty just moving your body.  Mentally you cannot concentrate, and you become irritable with mood swings without cause.  You are likely to be more forgetful and find it difficult to cope with daily life.  When exhaustion takes over, you do not eat healthy foods because you are too tired to make meals, so you just eat whatever you find that is easy and you usually overload on carbs and sweets which may give you a boost then plummets you making you even more tired.

Exhaustion comes from many situations and is caused by a variety of life issues.  Sometimes you may accept too many responsibilities and feel overwhelmed that you cannot complete them.  Other times, the burdens, struggles and traumas of life leave you exhausted without hope of finding light at the end of the tunnel.  Exhaustion can come from physical issues and illnesses.  It also comes from mentally carrying an emotional load from grief, loss, disappointments, addictions, family situations, and the list is endless.

To take steps forward from being worn slap out, start with the things you can change.  Make your physical body a priority.  Stay hydrated and drink water throughout the day.  Eat smaller meals and buy healthier pre-made foods that are quick to grab like fruits, vegetables, and some type of protein.  Try taking short walks and getting up every hour from your chair.  Focus on changing your physical routine and taking care of yourself.

There is a difference between being tired and being exhausted.  Being tired is temporary and can usually be resolved through rest.  Exhaustion is chronic and has underlying causes and impacts your daily living.  You are carrying a load that you were not meant to carry alone.  Mental and emotional exhaustion can also make you physically tired.  It is not your responsibility to fix every situation and absorb the emotions of those around you.

You may be a caregiver who is exhausted.  You are processing the emotions of the changes of another person and each step and decline seems overwhelming.  It is never ending.  It is seeking support and help.  You do not need to be a lone ranger.  It is changing your routine and creating new ways of coping and new solutions that include a support system.

You may become exhausted because you are trying to do something that is not your passion or your talent.  You may need to admit that you cannot keep doing what you have been doing.  You are hurting yourself.  It was good for a while, but now it just wears you slap out.  Stop.  Give yourself some rest.  Refresh yourself.  You are not helping anyone if you are exhausted.  You will make more mistakes and not be a pleasant person.  Give yourself a break.  You may need someone to help you brainstorm other ways to accomplish what needs to be done. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How To Talk With The Dying

Death is usually a topic people avoid, and few people write about dying.  It is inevitable for everyone, but it brings fear and anxiety to discuss.  My experience as a pastor and a hospice chaplain has given me opportunities to talk about death and share last conversations with those who are in the process of dying.

You may shy away from being with those who are completing their earthly life because you do not know what to say and fear you will say something and cause more pain and fear for both of you.  Realistically, you cannot avoid death forever.  Someone you love will be dying, and you will need to be present with them.

Facing death involves coming to terms with you own mortality and what you believe happens after death.  Do you believe in life after death?  Do you believe in Heaven?  Because of my faith in Jesus, I believe in Heaven.  Because of my experiences with the dying, I know Heaven is real.

How do you talk with someone who is facing death and knows it?  First, you follow their lead – allow them to talk.  Do not stop them because you are uncomfortable.  Ask open-ended questions.  Be direct and allow both of you to express your emotions and fears.  Share memories of life together.  Let the person know the difference they made in your life and what you learned from them and will always treasure in your life.  Give yourself permission to laugh and share humorous stories of life together.  It is OK to cry and tell the person you will miss them.  If you try to hide the emotions, you are denying your loved one the opportunity to share emotions with you.  Be genuine and allow yourself moments of reality.  You cannot stay there long because it will overwhelm you with the finality of earthly loss.

There are some important statements that need to be addressed and shared to avoid personal guilt and regret.  They are statements that help the dying release and let go.  The issue of forgiveness is vital for both of you to release the past.  Being able to state, “I forgive you” and “Please forgive me” brings healing from past hurts and traumas.  Having the opportunity to say “Thank you” for the person’s life and legacy and for the person to thank you for sharing life together, gives purpose and meaning to life.  Expressing your love may have been difficult in life, but it is important to say “I love you” no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may feel.  Finally, it is saying those heart wrenching words of “Good-bye” or “See you later” which gives the one dying permission to die and leave this world.  It is not that you want to let go, but it is the completion of life here on earth.

Remember, love never dies.  The love you shared remains in your heart forever.  There are so many emotions as grief becomes a constant companion on the journey.  It is allowing yourself to have these feelings and stay present with your loved one as they transition from this life to the next.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s book – Living In The Different – to help process through dying and death.  The book can be purchased through Amazon or at Tea Story in Upper.

Dealing With Triggers

You walk into the store and immediately the smell of your husband’s cologne surrounds you, and you break down in tears because he is no longer here.  You hear a mom raising her voice to her child, and the trauma of your own childhood fills your thoughts, and you become afraid and want to run.  You see your daughter’s favorite toy and you are overwhelmed with grief because she is in Heaven.  These are examples of triggers that involve your sense of smell, sight and hearing and are associated with traumatic events in life.  Triggers create a reaction when unexpectedly exposed to an imagery that causes an emotional response.

Triggers are events, situations or specific objects that cause an intense negative response that stir up your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.  Many times, triggers take a person to a past experience – a flashback – and creates an immediate panic, fear or heightened anxiety.  You may physically feel sick and weak.  You may freeze and cannot do anything, or you may just turn and run – flee – to get away from the situation.  The trigger is attached to the memory of the past.  It comes unexpectedly without time to prepare your response.  You may prepare for the big triggers of calendar dates and holidays but not for the smells, objects or sounds of everyday life.

So, you are triggered.  It provokes negative emotions.  It stirs up anxiety within you and sets in motion your response.  What do you do to deal with these triggers?  If possible, step away physically from the situation.  If you cannot leave, then step away in your mind and emotions.  Ground yourself in reality.  Look around you and start naming the things you see and bring yourself into the present moment.  Use self-talk and prayer to remind yourself that was in your past.  Tell yourself, “I am safe right now.”  “My loved one is in Heaven.”  “Nobody is hurting me.”

Remind yourself it is going to be OK.  If the trigger brought the emotions connected to your grief and loss, allow yourself moments to be sad, to cry and grieve your loss.  The everyday simple things may trigger more than birthdays, anniversary dates and holidays.  You try to prepare for them, but not for smells or sounds.  Slow yourself down and experience the moment and the reason the intensity of grief affected you.  Acknowledge your grief and feelings of missing your loved one. Then focus on a good memory of your loved one that brings a smile and gratefulness for their life.  This is a way to process through the triggers of grief.

If the trigger brought emotions from a trauma and negative situation in your past, focus on something around you that is not related to the trauma – look up at the sky, take deep breaths and ground yourself in the reality of the present.  You are OK and the past can no longer hurt you.  It is processing through the trauma trigger and desensitizing yourself from the trauma. Release the past and its control over your thoughts and emotions.  This is a process.  Each time you are triggered, it is praying through it and accepting the past is complete.  It can no longer hurt you.  Then begin to replace the negative with a positive outcome.  Triggers will happen throughout life when you least expect it.  It is being proactive and prepared in your mind with tools to handle it because in the emotional moment, you will not know what to do.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different