Releasing The Darkness

She had accepted that her husband was now in Heaven.  She had released him to live in Heaven.  That chapter of her life was complete.  The memories and the influence remained in her heart and the love continued.  So why was there still a feeling of darkness around her?

Darkness is associated with the unknown, with fear, with evil, with being unable to find one’s way.  It is the absence of light.  Darkness is also a way to express your feelings of gloom and despair.  Darkness expresses your hopelessness.

The darkness of loss is filled with the feelings of being lonely, lost, and not knowing how to find yourself and the light of this different life.  When the darkness of grief begins to lighten and the intensity is not so overwhelming, you begin to look at who are you now.  That is when the darkness of your soul seems to invade the progress toward light and life. 

The darkness is present because you may never have known who you really were in any relationship.  You became what the situation needed or what others expected.  When you look deep inside yourself, all you see is darkness because you have not defined yourself in the light yet.  Oh, others may see you as light and joy, but inwardly you are lost and dark and so unsure of how to maneuver on the path toward light and life.

Anxiety, worry, depression, guilt, shame, sin, and so much more fuel the darkness and the belief that this is who you really are, and you will remain in this sadness and darkness forever.  Yes, these feelings are real and intense and describe where you have been and how you have felt.  But when you focus only on the darkness of your soul, you miss the light.  You cannot deny this part of life, but it is not all there is to life.

You need to change your focus.  Darkness is present in this world.  It always will be, but there is also light which reflects hope, joy, peace, life, different, change.  It is all there.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes, you will still miss your loved one.  Yes, you will need to keep choosing each day to turn toward the light and be intentional in choosing to live.  You need to let go of the familiar and the comfort of the darkness.  You do not want to be comfortable in the darkness, but it is so familiar but so lonely and empty.  Release trying to live in the past – that is where the darkness dwells.  Release and be set free from the confinement of the pain and hurt.  It will consume if you let it.  It will always be waiting for you in the darkness.

Release is not forgetting.  It is allowing life to continue on a different path.  It is choosing to forgive, to heal, to live despite the loss and pain and change.  It is choosing not to live in the disappointments of life.  It is learning to choose to follow the light and live in the present.  To truly experience life and find the good.  You have felt the hurt and disenchantments of life but have not allowed them to pull you so deep into the darkness that you could not see the light reach out to you.

It is living as one who belongs to the light.  You may not feel the joy and peace but you are choosing to begin to walk toward peace, hope, and joy. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Propensity of Life

Propensity is a natural inclination, a leaning, a natural tendency to behave in a certain way.  Society has a natural propensity to complain, to focus on what is wrong, and to be negative.  It seems natural for people to complain about the weather and that life is not fair.  Why is the natural inclination to see the bad and hurt?  Many people focus on the negative aspect of their lives which produce anxiety and depression.

Your propensity for life begins in childhood as you develop your foundational principles to guide and direct your life.  These are based on your family, your environment, your faith, human nature, influences from society, and friendships.  Over time, you believe this is who you are, and you accept these tendencies as defining yourself.  Sometimes these inclinations are influenced by others, especially your primary person in life. When life changes with loss, you rarely revisit these inclinations because they are integrated into who you believe you are.

When changes occur and people leave your physical presence, you need to look deep within yourself to figure out who you now want to be.  Propensities can change and will change because of loss and trauma.  Your natural inclination may be to see the good and look for the positive in life which may have been influenced by your parents or grandparents who saw the good in life.

If you have a propensity for something, it comes naturally or just something you do regularly.  For example, you may have a propensity to make people laugh, to give gifts and be generous, or a propensity to get angry when things do not go your way.  It may be difficult to change this inclination, but it is possible when you are aware of it.  Some are good ways that you want to keep and develop while others are negative that need to be softened and reframed.

Your propensity is also your preferences in choices, situations, and style.  You may be naturally reserved and shy around people or you may be loud and the center of the conversation.  It is recognizing what is healthy for you and do you want to change your natural way you interact with others? 

You may lean toward being rigid in your spending or you may love to shop and buy and spend.  This choice may have originated from your childhood.  Some of your tendencies may come because of your parents.  You either follow their example or do the opposite because you did not like their way.

Many times, a propensity of life just happens without thought or awareness.  Sometimes it is good to pause and reflect on why you do certain things.  For example, is your style of clothes really who you are or did it just happen without any thought or reason?  Do you naturally follow what other people believe and how they respond and accept negativity and derogatory language?  Is your natural inclination to judge, be quick to anger, and be negative? 

Maybe it is time to take the pause and look at how you are responding to life and situations just because you always have done it.  Be proactive and decide how you want to show up and who you really want to be. What is your propensity of life?

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Fool Yourself Less

You did not trust your gut feeling or instinct, but you believed the opinion of someone else.  It fell apart because you did not trust yourself.  The other person made you question yourself and so you caved in, and now you regret your choice.  You fooled yourself into doubting yourself.

You thought you did not need help, guidance, or advice.  You believed you could think for yourself.  You relied on social media’s perspective to form your views and values and you made these thoughts true.  Now you have alienated those who have supported you.  You have fooled yourself into thinking your foundation is outdated.

Not all your thoughts or the views and opinions of others are factual.  You can create thoughts that you believe are true but have no factual basis.  This is where anxiety, worry, and fear take up residence in these thoughts that have no validity.

You created a view or story in your head and begin looking for statements from others and the media that validate these thoughts.  You keep adding to the thoughts until you fool yourself into believing they are true.  You argue and are reactive and negative toward others who challenge your thoughts.

So, who are you trusting with your thoughts?  When you trust someone and they break your trust, it is difficult to trust them again.  Sometimes it is accepting people for who they are and not basing your thoughts and decisions on people who are not consistent and factual.  It is not fooling yourself to believe they will not mess with your thoughts.

How about fooling yourself less?  Start by stating truth statements to your thoughts.  Ask yourself why you had the thought.  Where did it come from?  Why are you entertaining different thoughts about a value or belief that is part of your strong foundation of life and faith?  Focus on what you know is true and your foundational beliefs.  Challenge your thoughts and tell yourself what is true and right and good.

To fool yourself less is not being hopeless or pessimistic, but it is being realistic.   It is also building trust in yourself and living in truth statements that align with your values, morals, and beliefs.  A fool believes popular media opinion as facts without putting any personal thought into it.  Research for yourself.  Talk with those you respect.  Pray for discernment.  How does the idea or thought reflect who you are and who you want to be?

Fooling yourself also involves believing the thoughts that nobody cares, you have no value, life is all bad, and down the negative rabbit hole of self-defeat.  You are thinking in an all or nothing view.  Fool yourself less through statements like “sometimes bad things happen, but good happens too.”  It is capturing your thoughts before you speak them and not allowing them to feed the negativity of anxiety and depression.  Fool yourself less by focusing on what is actually happening around you and name what is true.

Fool yourself less by accepting people for who they are and not living in what you expect or hoped they would be.  You cannot change another person.  You can only accept the person by how they currently behave and act.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Tracks In Your Head

There were tracks in the parking lot where the workers had walked through the concrete dust.  It looked like they had sprayed off their equipment and then walked through the water.  They left their tracks.  In the winter, you can see tracks through the snow from animals that cross the path.  When you walk across a just mopped floor, you leave tracks.  These are all visible tracks that usually clean up with some soap and water or melting snow.

You see railroad tracks that lead somewhere down the line and are permanent.  They are straight and the train that runs on them does not deviate from the rail unless an obstacle or engine failure cause it to jump the tracks.  The tracks go in different directions but connect so that the train can transfer tracks.  There are racetracks where people, cars, tractors, motorcycles and a variety of other types of vehicles go round and round with the purpose of winning a race.  There are lots of different types of tracks in the world.

A track can also be a direction.  For example, a person can be on track to graduate or for a job promotion.  There are many definitions for tracks.  There are also tracks in your head.  You may have a well-worn track of worry and anxiety.  It is easy to jump on this track when something goes wrong or fears take over.  You have tracks that focus on schedules, deadlines, tasks, and the overwhelming details of life.  There are tracks that focus on the future and all the possible outcomes.  Tracks that think and worry about family, friends, loved ones, and how to fix their lives.  Tracks of grief where the tendency is to slow down on this journey to remember and linger in the memories.  All these tracks or paths in your head are well-worn and can easily consume and become the focus of life.  Some paths you just keep jumping back on, and it feels like you are going in circles.

Is there a common track that runs through everything in your head - a track that keeps you from going in the wrong direction or being consumed by the negativity and struggles of life?  Can you pull yourself off a path that leads to worry, anxiety, or depression – a thought path that focuses on the things of this world that do not really matter?  For me it is the straight and constant path of God’s Presence. It is finding your straight path that is reliable, constant, right, and provides guidance.  That’s the path to follow.

The head can get pretty complex with all the thoughts, and if you could draw what is in your head it would be a jumbled mess of tracks crossing over each other with some going nowhere and some with an abrupt end.  Some are well-worn because you go over and over them continuously.  Come on, you have to admit those thought patterns in your head can be mixed up, not defined, and feel like they are not going anywhere with purpose.

When your mind wanders and feels lost, anxious or just not yourself, these feelings remind you that you have gotten off track to what is good and right and true.  It is finding your reliable track and returning to it when you get side tracked.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Life - Good and Hard

“How’s life?”  She responded, “Today it is pretty good.  Yesterday, not so good.”  Another person when asked the same question stated, “I’m good, really.”  Despite all she shared that was happening in her life around her, she was good.  Another lady, said life has always been hard, but she has survived.  Her faith was strong, but she was now asking the “why?” question.  She had survived cancer, but now it came back for the second time.  “Why?”

Good is a relative term.  Each person has a standard to measure good. The dictionary has about a hundred synonyms for good.  Some make you smile – “hunky-dory.”  Some are based on slang – “wicked.”  Some are country origin – “up to scratch.”  Good is a quality or level of measure.  How do you measure good?  Is it when everything is going the way you want it?    Is it when all your family and friends are all right and healthy and happy?

Then there is the measure of hard when related to life.  It means life is difficult with problems that seem overwhelming, frustrating, and unpleasant to endure.  A hard life is also based on one’s perspective in relation to the experience of others.  You may tend to compare your circumstances to others and make a qualitative assessment of who has the harder life and who has had it easier, or everything seems to go their way.

Life is good.  Life is hard.  No denying this about life.  Our perspective and foundation influence these descriptions.  So, when life is good, do you really enjoy it to the fullest?  It may be good days or just good moments as you define it.  Are you fully present and taking in the good and giving thanks for the blessings of the good life?  Or are you filled with anxiety and worry about how long will the good last and when will something bad happen?  If this is you, then you are never completely enjoying the blessings of life in the present moment.

When life is hard, your faith is still within you but the difficulties of life cloud your view and your feelings are focused on the pain and hurt.  You go through battles, struggles, and hard times.  This is a natural part of life in a broken world.  It is the way you handle these times that builds who you are and your reliance upon your foundation.  It is not a punishment though it is difficult to see beyond the struggle.

You can create your own hard times by your choices and your anxiety and worry about what could happen.  Life is tough enough without creating in your head all the possibilities of what could go wrong.  You start to question if you are making the right decision.  You have the freedom in choices.  Some of your choices make the path more difficult so you learn some tough lessons that strengthen you and gives you wisdom in future decision making.

Life is good.  Look for the good and rejoice in it.  Give thanks in the good.  Life is hard.  Embrace the hard. Take it one moment at a time. Know that you are never alone in it.  Break down the hard in moments.  You cannot carry the load by yourself.  Ask for help and support.  Rely on God in the good and in the hard.

Life is meant to be lived in the now not the tomorrows.  Live in the good and the hard times. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Chasing Relationships

Do you remember playing tag when you were a kid?  One person was “it” and chased after everyone else.  When a person was tagged, they were out of the game or if it was freeze tag, the person was frozen until someone else tagged them to unfreeze them which put the person back into the game to be chased.

You thought your chasing days ended in elementary school, but sometimes you feel like you are chasing after people to have a relationship with them even within your own family.  You are trying to force a connection out of your own need to have a close family and friendships.

At times, it is exhausting and draining because you have to do all the work with little results.  You make the calls and send the texts and schedule the time together.  You make the effort because if you do not, there is no contact by those you care about.  They live their lives oblivious to you and your need to be in their lives.  Is it worth all the effort you wonder?

When you force anything – conversation, friendships, relationships, attention – it is not genuine and rarely mutual.  You make it an obligation to the other person which can create resentment or a shallow or surface connection.  It becomes not what you were seeking and creates even more emptiness within you.  You are forcing something that is not worth fighting for because it does not flow naturally nor meet anyone’s needs.

Relationships are challenging.  You cannot force a person to spend time with you.  You can tag or choose people in the hope of developing a closer relationship, but it is not guaranteed.  Someone else may unfreeze them from your tag and develop the relationship you had anticipated.

Allow people to be who they are – it is what it is.  They already have their inner circle and groups and may be closed to letting anyone else into their lives at this time.  Don’t wear yourself out by chasing after people.  You begin to wonder what is wrong with you.  It may not be you; it is just not the people or group for you.  So how do you stop chasing and actually develop healthy and lasting relationships?

First, start with yourself.  Do you like being around yourself?  Are you negative, a complainer, or always talking about yourself?  If so, you may not be a pleasant person to be around.  It is working on being a friend and being a person that is enjoyable and healthy to be around.  Learn to like who you are and find worth in yourself.  You spend the most time with yourself, so learn to like who you are and others will too.

Next, it is saying “yes” when invited to events and joining groups that are of interest to you.  Try out new adventures and experiences.  Find a common bond and interest.  It is allowing relationships to naturally develop and being intentional in being social and involved in areas that interest you.

Learn to step in and out of relationships.  Enjoy the moments with friends and family, but do not make them the center of your world.  If you do, when they are not available, you have no worth or value.  Enjoy time alone.  Develop your inner spirit and soul. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

People Are Not Projects

You could not believe he did what he did.  If only he would have listened to your advice.  She messed up again, but you could have helped if she had accepted your assistance.  You could have prevented the mess, but your advice fell on deaf ears.  Your desire is to prevent the troubles and create another person’s life the way you want them to live.

This is a form of control.  You believe you know what is best for another person and how the person should live life.  In a sense, you want ownership of the person, give direction, manage and create a success story of the person’s life.  You try to encourage and guide toward the direction you believe is right, but as hard as you try, it does not work.  You attempt to make sense out of what the person is doing, but you continue to question the person’s choices, behaviors, and lack of decision-making.

You become frustrated and even attempt to manipulate the person into going the direction you believe is the right one.  You see the person as a project to complete, a task to achieve, or a success story in the making.  You want to mold and make them into what you believe will be good for them.  And it is not working.  So, what do you do?

First, you stop trying to control and create the person into your image and expectations.  See the person for who he/she really is with flaws and gifts.  Nobody is perfect and you do not have the answers for everyone’s life.  Be an encourager who is available to assist when asked.  But do not be an enabler that allows another person to continue in negative and possibly self-destructive habits at your expense.  You try to fix and keep them from experiencing the consequences of their actions.  You think it is helping, but in reality, it prevents growth by not allowing them to deal with the outcome of their actions.  You are only managing the current issue not the underlying problem.  It takes a toll on your own health and finances.

It is loving the person but not taking responsibility for their behaviors and actions.  It is being patient and giving the person time to make decisions and experience the results of their behaviors and actions.

It is setting healthy boundaries and learning to step in and step out of people’s lives without being responsible for everything they do.  Sometimes, it is loving at a distance.  It is praying for them.  It is not being negative or sharing gossip about them or getting other people to take sides thus creating division.

It is accepting that some people are content in the life they are living even though you want more for them or know what they could do to enjoy life more.  It is not your life.  Your role and purpose are to encourage, ask if they want ideas or suggestions, and allow others to create their own life.  It is changing your focus to living your best life and dealing with your own behaviors, flaws, and actions.  It is living what you believe and being a positive example to others quietly, respectfully, and faithfully.

Elaine’s blog, books and information can be found on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

So, What's Your Figurability?

You have a problem or situation and you need to come up with a plan and resolution.  You need to find a solution or understand someone’s behavior.  You are trying to figure it out, that is, solve, understand and determine the appropriate outcome.  It is taking an abstract or complex issue or problem and finding a possible solution. That’s figurability.

What do you use to figure it out?  How does your mind work to give shape to an abstract or complex problem and have the shape become reality?  It is determining your method.  Some people make no decision and just let life happen.  They take no responsibility for what happens because they do not want any conflict so they ignore it hoping it will solve itself or just go away.  Never works.  It usually creates the conflict you are trying to avoid.  They never figure anything out and just let life take them wherever it does, and if there is a problem, it is pushed “under the rug” and never dealt with.  It causes one to stumble but then you avoid the area or person who caused it.

Now, going with the flow of life works for a while unless you get upset at the results and blame others.  What usually happens next is one just makes a random or quick decision.  Basically, a guess without facts or processing through the situation.  It is based on emotions and feelings or the avoidance of them.  You don’t want to feel any anxiety or take any responsibility, so you figure out what works best for you without any consideration of other people or the ramifications.

You may consult friends and family to receive their opinion and perspective.   Everyone will have an opinion which gives their slant on the issue and sometimes does not include all the facts.  You may put it out on social media and wait for all the views and the negativity you will receive.  Some people google it and let AI tell them the solution.  You may talk with a counselor and process through all the options.  You may pray and read the Bible to gain discernment.

You may seek expert advice based on the issue or problem.  If it is a legal issue, you consult a lawyer.  If it is a financial issue, you consult a financial advisor.  If it is a plumbing problem, you find a plumber.  It is admitting to yourself that sometimes you do not have the knowledge or skill to figure out a solution and need help.  This is accepting your limitations and being smart enough to know what you do not know.

When you are attempting to figure out a solution, do you trust yourself to make an informed and good decision?  Take your time.  Name your options.  Take the information you have acquired from experts and the opinions of people you trust.  Step away, if possible, to give your thoughts a rest and come back refreshed with a new perspective.  Pray, take a walk and look at nature and breathe in the fresh air and remind yourself of your priorities in figuring it out.

You may need to write out the problem and the options to see them on paper.  Then right down your solution.  Does it make sense?  Is it plausible? Can you do it?  Whose help do you need?  So, what’s your figurability?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website for her blog and previous columns – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Making The Most of It

You took the trip planning to enjoy the beach and sunshine every day, but it was cloudy and rainy most of the time.  You planned to spend the day organizing and cleaning, but something broke so you spent the day repairing and cleaning up the mess.  Life does not turn out how you planned it.

You make plans but you cannot control the weather, other people or when something breaks.  How do you handle the disappointments and frustrations of life?  If you try to control everything and everyone, you soon discover that it is impossible.  The lack of control can create anger and resentment and lead to a life with no enjoyment.

When you blame yourself that life did not go as planned, you go deeper into the need to control.  You blame yourself for choosing the wrong dates for your trip or for not being more proactive in preventing break downs.  Or your anger goes outward and you take it out on family and believe that life never gives you a break.  Something always goes wrong becomes your motto for life.  You never get to relax and enjoy life.  You become mad at the world.

Life happens.  You cannot control the weather, but it does not need to ruin the trip.  Something breaks and you just clean up the mess.  It is changing an attitude and focus.  It is making the most of the situation.  For example, maybe you needed more rest, and the clouds and rain gave you more time to nap, reflect and pray.  Maybe it was learning how to make a repair and being proud of your accomplishment so that someday you can help someone else with it.

It is changing your plan for a different purpose.  Your plan involved getting your way – doing it your way.  Maybe it is looking at a greater purpose in the moments of life.  Disappointments and frustrations come when your focus is self-centered and rigid.  You refuse to deviate from your plan for a greater plan or purpose.

Break down the big purpose and plan and begin to look at what is in front of you.  How can you make the most of what you have, not what you wanted to have?  What can you do differently?  Be flexible.  Release the plan in your head that keeps you frustrated because it is not going to happen.  Let it go.  Go with the flow.  Look for the blessings in what you would have missed if your plan had worked. 

Make the most of your situation.  It is all you have.  It is what it is.  Find the good.  Release your expectations and go with the moment at hand.  Find something to be grateful for and name your blessings.  This may take a little effort especially if you feel like everything goes wrong for you.  Here is a suggestion on how to begin naming your blessings – start with the alphabet.  Name something you are grateful for using each letter of the alphabet.  By the time you name twenty-six grateful blessings, your attitude and outlook should change.  If not, repeat it until you have made the most of your situation by being grateful.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com  blogs, books and more.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Being Pugnacious?

You said something to him, and you saw a change in his facial expression and body language.  He did not agree and was about to react to your statement with an argument against you.  So, what do you do?  Some people are pugnacious, that is, eager or quick to argue, quarrel or fight.  How do you defuse a pugnacious person and not react to the escalated emotion? Or maybe you are the one who is quick to argue and it seems you are always upset and quarreling with someone.

Some people are reactive and believe everyone is out to get them so you need to be quick to defend and not let another person get the upper hand.  Pause for a moment, has arguing, raising your voice, getting angry and being upset at another person ever solved the issue?  When a person argues, you just want the other person to stop talking and accept your point of view.  You do not want to listen.  You just want the other person to admit you are right and they are wrong.

The world is reactive and social media continues to feed into accepting that it is the right way to deal with something that does not fit your view.  When you react quickly, you are responding only emotionally without thought or consideration of the other person.  You treat them as if they do not matter to you.  You become the center and most important.

When you are pugnacious, you like hearing yourself speak and controlling the environment.  You call attention to yourself believing the louder you are, the more others will listen and accept that you are right.  Some people like to argue just to argue wanting to confuse others and it becomes just a game.  Fighting with words tears down another person and makes you appear not to care about anybody except yourself.

People fight with words to protect themselves from not dealing with what is really going on inside of themselves.  It is placing the blame for everything onto someone else so you do not have to look at how you are behaving.  Being pugnacious takes away another person’s self-esteem and worth.  The one yelling and arguing uses words that tear down, diminish worth and tells the person there is no value in them.

How do you turn this around and not argue, fight with words and degrade others?  The opposite of being pugnacious is being friendly, agreeable, amiable, non-combative with an easy-going temperament. So how about a balance between the two extremes?  To start changing is to choose to listen before reacting.  Slow yourself down.  Take a deep breath.  Evaluate the situation.  What is really going on and ask questions instead of yelling and being angry.  You may need to take a walk or at least walk away for a moment to prevent yourself from fighting and arguing.  

It is also accepting that fighting and arguing does not solve anything.  In reality, it makes the situation worse.  You just make another person angry, resentful or shut down.  Each person is entitled to his/her own opinion, and it is not your responsibility to change their view to your view.  It is a willingness to listen and even agree to disagree.  You may need to ask yourself why you believe you are always right.  Do you care about how you treat others?

It is changing a behavior of being reactive and arguing and fighting to listening more, slowing yourself down and paying attention to what is really going on around you.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – has her blogs, columns and books.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Disappointed But Not Discouraged

Life disappoints.  People disappoint.  They do not meet your expectations.  They do not always follow through and do what you had hoped or even what they promised to do.  Someone may have promised to always be there for you but when you needed them, they were nowhere to be found.  You may be disappointed that they do not support you now even though they have been your friend for a long time.

What do you do with your disappointments?  First, you need to define disappointment.  It is a sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.  Sometimes your disappointment is directed toward a person, sometimes a situation, and sometimes toward yourself.  For some of you, it is bringing these feelings to God.  Talk to God about how you feel, not to other people.  Release the sadness and irritation.  Do not absorb the failure of others to meet your expectations.  They may not have known what you expected.  Other people have different views of the situation than you do.  When you live in the expectations of what others should do, you will always be disappointed.

When you are disappointed in how you reacted, what you failed to do or what you actually did, don’t beat yourself up. It is recognizing everyone messes up from time to time.  Nobody is perfect.  It is forgiving yourself and releasing the sadness.   When you dwell on the disappointments, it can turn to bitterness and resentment.  It festers inside and prevents you from moving forward.  You just ruminate on the hurt, and it begins to permeate into all areas of life.  You quit connecting with others because of the fear they will just disappoint you or you will disappoint them.  This can lead to discouragement.

Discouragement is the loss of confidence or enthusiasm for something.  You expected others to be supportive of your endeavor.  You had hoped they would be as excited about it as you are.  When it did not happen, you may have become upset, angry, and at first wondered why you even bothered.  The thoughts in your head were negative and began to convince yourself to give up.  But through prayer and quieting your soul and not giving other people control, you did not become discouraged.  In fact, you used the disappointment and turned it into courage to try something new and different.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or something frightening.  It is facing a fear.  Courage is deep inside.  It comes from your trust and faith.  You can use your disappointments as training ground to grow and depend on your faith and not the views of other people.  Courage is to deliberately choose to persevere through adversity.  It is acting despite your fear.  It is doing something afraid, but still doing it.

When you live in the expectations of others, they are in control. You will sway back and forth based on their whim and fickleness.  Have the courage to face your disappointments and not let them defeat you or control you.  Use them as a challenge that there is a greater plan – one you cannot see yet.  Don’t be discouraged.  Trust forward.

Life will always disappoint.  Change your focus.  Use your disappointments and go a different direction.

Check out Elaine’s website and blog and books – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Conundrum of Life

A conundrum is a confusing and difficult problem or question with no clear or easy solution.  It leaves a person in a quandary or dilemma not knowing what to do in a situation or how to answer the puzzle.  It feels like you do not know what choice or decision to make.  You have all experienced this at some time in your lives.  You are confused about what to do.  You do not know the right way to go.  You feel the weight of making a decision. 

You desire something different, but get into a rut in your daily life.  It can be in work, in marriage, family relationships, or your daily routine.  You tell yourself that you need to change, but the daily rut becomes too familiar and comfortable.  It is a struggle.  How do you choose to take steps out of this rut?  If you do, then what?  It is unfamiliar, and you say to ourself, “What if I mess up and it does not work out?”  It is being afraid of failure so you do not try or believe it will not be good enough so doing nothing is easier.

These thoughts and feelings are real and are defeating.  They keep one from even starting on a new path.  The conundrum of life bases everything on your own strength, determination, and abilities.  When the focus is on the failures of the past – the track record – you are already defeated.  You have tried and messed up on other attempts so why will this time be different? So going back to the rut makes you believe the routine works.

Routine can be good if it is healthy.  That is, the routine keeps you focused on taking care of your necessary tasks, and keeps you grounded. But a rut is not healthy – it is a place where you are stuck.  A rut is a habit or pattern that has become dull and unproductive.  It feels like a dead end.

So how do you get out of your rut, know what direction to go and figure out who you are now?  How do you answer the conundrum of your life?  Good question.  It is based on the foundation of your life – your faith, your relationships, and your values and purpose for life.  Where do you turn for support, guidance, and assistance in making decisions and moving forward in life?

Some of the reason for ruts is that you still see yourself as the one who messed up and does not deserve another chance and a good life with meaning and purpose.  Worry and anxiety keep one stuck and in a quandary.  You worry about what could happen and fear the future and cannot calm the inner fears and worries.  This brings weakness, feelings of being overwhelmed, tense and afraid to change and find out who you really are now.  You may define yourself based on anxiety, fear, worry, and “stuckness.”

It is calming the inner spirit within you and believing in who you are and who you were created to be.  It is finding the spiritual part of yourself.  Every person is spiritual.  That is, each person has a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspect.  It is developing healthy habits that creates peace in the midst of life’s challenges, and relying on Someone greater than yourself.  It is being willing to change your focus, challenge yourself and believe that there is more to life than the rut you have created.

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Readjusting Your Relationships

Life is filled with relationships.  You were born into a family and created relationships with those connected to your family.  You attended school with other students who were in your class and you developed friendships.  Some of those friendships continued throughout school life and even beyond.  You worshipped in a church and created a church family relationship with those around you.  You worked and relationships happened because of your time together.  You joined a variety of organizations and because of your mutual interest, you formed a bond.

When you are in relationship with someone, you appreciate the person for who they are and see the person as valuable to your life.  People were created to be in relationship with one another.  Yes, you can live life alone, but there is an emptiness and lack of growth because nobody challenges you or fulfills the inner need for connection.  Some people are with you for a lifetime and others for a moment or season.  Each person has a purpose.  You learn from one another what to do and also what not to do.

In each season of life, you experience changes in relationships. Family is still family but their needs change and may take steps away from you as they develop their own lives within a new family unit.  It is being able to release children and grandchildren to mature and grow into who they were created to be.  Sometimes it may feel they are distant and do not respond to communication.  Responding is a choice.  It does not always mean the person no longer cares; it just means they are slow to respond or choose not to answer calls or texts.

Friendships also change because of interests, locations, and other focuses in life.  For some people, grandchildren are the center of their life and friendships take a back seat to being involved in the life of grandchildren.  Remember, children are little only once.  Relationships are therefore based on priorities.

When you move to a new city or even a new neighborhood, relationships change.   You may promise to keep in touch, but it takes more effort and is not as convenient as it once was.  It is not that you do not care about the people in your past, they are no longer as convenient and new relationships are developing.

Life changes relationships.  People remain part of your foundation and when you think of them or recall an experience, you are thankful for their life and your connection.  You still care about them and when you do see them, you may hug them and are excited to “catch up” on life.  Some relationships are for seasons.  You walk with people in the joys, struggles, adventures and sorrows of life, but then your lives separate and go down different paths.

Sometimes, you need to grieve the changes and accept that you can still treasure the relationship and give thanks for the memories and the experiences.  You readjust and develop new connections.  You cannot force people to stay in your life or try to do everything for them to keep the relationship.  It is releasing people to connect to others and be grateful for the time together.  Even in families, it is recognizing your role and responsibility.  It is enjoying the moments and allowing family members to create their own life and relationships.  It is learning to step in and enjoy, and step out and allow others to live their lives without you in the midst of it.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – for her blog and books.

The Vicissitudes of Life

Life is unpredictable no matter how much you attempt to plan and try to control.  There are ups and downs to life – mountains and valleys.  Nothing seems consistently smooth and reliable.  Changes happen without warning, and you are left to navigate these unchartered waters of life.  This is the vicissitudes of life – the challenges and fluctuating phases of life.

Change is a natural part of life.  Change happens whether or not you want it to or not.  You cannot stop change.  Your body ages.  You can exercise, eat healthy, and release your emotions, but your body will still age.  You make plans and see the goal in sight, but the unexpected may change your plans.  Change is usually inconvenient bringing a difficulty or hardship.

Change is usually viewed as negative, but change also brings good.  The changing of the seasons brings sunshine and warmth from the darkness and snow of winter.  Change occurs in one’s career as you gain more experience and knowledge and grow in your expertise and fulfillment.

Change happens as you grow out of your awkward stage of adolescence and develop your confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities.

Change is inevitable.  Life will always change.  You can accept change when it brings hope and good into your life.  But life is inconsistent and uncertain.  You endeavor to plan for the unexpected but then something you did not plan for happens.  The first step in dealing with the vicissitudes of life is to accept that things will happen that you did not want or expect.  Life has its ups and downs, and you will experience the emotional roller coaster of life, too.

Changes can seem devastating when it involves loss - death, loss of job, loss of home, loss of security.  When you experience the death of a loved one, life is never the same.  Life is different and has an emptiness in it.  It is giving yourself permission to grieve and walk through the loss and accept this different life without your loved one.  This takes time.  You will always grieve but the intensity of the grief will lessen over time.

The ups and downs of life also occur within each day.  Your mood and emotions are affected by certain people and the experiences and encounters with other people.  Some people bring you down with them, and other people build you up and enhance your life.  It is attempting to find the balance and not allowing other people’s moods sway you completely.

When life changes, it is pausing and being still for a moment.  It is praying and centering yourself on your foundation of faith. Sometimes you have to make quick decisions and react to the crisis.  It is surrounding yourself with trusted friends and family that help keep you grounded in the midst of the crisis.  You cannot prepare for everything and sometimes you need to rely on people who have walked a similar path and can give you guidance and support.

It is accepting that life is like a roller coaster ride.  It has its ups and downs.  Just start enjoying the ride knowing this is just what life is.  Life is not perfect, but it is the life you have so you either fight against the change or you accept it and look for the good in the changes.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Worried The Answer Will Change

You asked a question and received the person’s answer.  You believed them at the time, but now you are wondering if they really meant it.  Your friend told you they would take care of something for you, but you are concerned they will forget or that you are too much of a burden to them.  He said he would pick you up and take you, but as the date gets closer, you question if he will follow through.

Oh, the worries created in the head.  When you question, wonder or become concerned, it puts doubt in your mind.  You may call to make sure the person’s answer did not change.  You may go over in your head if the answer changes what you will do or say.  You have created a worry.  If the person is one you trust and has always kept their word, you are worrying without a reason.  You may have transferred to this person your lack of trust in yourself and inability to follow through.

Your worry may come from a past trauma or situation.  You trusted someone, and the person lied, hurt you, or did not keep his/her word.  The answer changed and now you worry everyone else will do the same thing.  You are living in the assumption that all people are the same and will treat you the same way.  This is not a true statement.  It is acknowledging that some people change their answer but not all people do.

Some of your worry comes from your own insecurity.  You need assurance that the person still cares about you and wants to follow through with what they promised.  You need validation that you are a person of worth to them.  You may apologize for asking for help and then believe the person thinks you are annoying or too much trouble.  You may have difficulty believing someone actually wants to be with you and help you.

In overcoming worry, it is naming what is true.  List the truth statements.  For example – “My mom has always followed through with what she says she will do.”  When you worry and doubt a person, it is reminding yourself of past situations.  Has the person done what they said?  Is the person truthful and reliable? Tear down the worry with truth statements.  You may need to write them down to remind yourself what is true.  You have people in your life whose answer never changes.  They do what they say and are reliable.

There are also people in your life whose word cannot be trusted.  They do not keep their word.  Every time you want to believe or trust them, they disappoint you.  It is accepting who they are and not setting yourself up to be let down each time.  You learn to not ask them for help, assistance, or count on them to follow through.  Yes, this is sad, but it is also your reality.

So, are you a person of your word, or does your answer change?  If you worry that someone else’s answer will change, then you have to look inward at who you are.  It is speaking the truth in love.  When you give your word, you follow through.  It is being truthful and reliable and not causing others to worry that your answer will change.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Dash and The Date

On this Memorial Day weekend, many of you will be visiting the cemetery to place flowers on the graves of your loved ones. On each tombstone and grave marker is the date of birth and date of death, but between the dates is a dash.  A story has been written about the dash along with a song.  The dash represents the life lived.  The dash is the same length for everyone – whether on a stone or from the keys of a keyboard.  Each dash is equal.  Each life has a story and purpose.  It is not the length of time but the meaning of the life.

To the world, the life has ended at the date of death.  But to those who have loved the person, the love never ends and lives on in the heart.  The memory of their lives remains fresh and alive. Time seems to lose its meaning and power when it comes to death and grief.  While the focus of grief seems to be the first year of loss as one experiences all the “firsts” without the loved one, grief is not a linear time focus.  Grief continues throughout life and is triggered when you experience something and want to share it with them or need their guidance and presence.  Grief becomes interwoven into life and one learns to live with it and also live into life.

The focus in grief is on the dash – the life your loved ones have lived.  It is changing the focus from the dying and death to how the person lived and the difference the person has made in your life.  That is the dash of life – the meaning and purpose of your loved one’s life.  The dash is about life and influence and purpose.  The dates are about birth and death.  While few people are present at the actual birth or even at the moment of death, you gather to celebrate the completion of a life.  You cannot add more memories, but the memories can sustain you.  When you look at the grave marker, it is knowing the person lived and walked this earth.

That final date.  You know how long it has been in calendar years, but it seems just like yesterday at times.  You understand time differently and measure time based on when your loved one died.  It may be a year, five years or twenty years.  It does not matter the length of time in grief.  Your view of time has changed.  It is amazing sometimes when you realize that it has been ten years since your loved one died.  It does not change the love, the meaning of their life nor the grief and loss you still feel.  The hole in your life remains.  In Heaven there is no time.  Time is a limit of the earth.  Your loved one is in Heaven where time does not matter, therefore, in your grief time does not matter.  The distance from the earthly end date has no meaning to your grief.  It is just a recognition of the loss of their physical presence.  Your loved one has never left your heart and grief has no regard to time.  The date just signifies the time you stopped seeing their physical body but their love and relationship and impact never ceased.

Take a walk through the cemetery this Memorial Day weekend.  Remember those who have come before you.  Give thanks for their life and legacy.  Pray for the families who grieve and whose grief is raw and new and full of questions and shock.  Remember the dash of life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Negative Head Space

You have a plan.  You are ready to accomplish the plan and it feels good to be able to complete a task or project.  Then, someone or something disrupts the plan.  You are caught off guard and do not know how to deal with the change.  If you could complete your plan then you would be happy and content and enjoy the day.  But now, life has changed and you go down the negative road in your head.  You cannot do anything now but focus on the disappointment.

Negative Head Space.  Everyone has it.  Some are able to put a stop sign on the road and prevent themselves from living in that space.  It is off limits to dwell there.  You know it is there because negativity is all around in this broken and fallen world.  You are choosing not to live in negativity.  You visit it from time to time, but you turn around and go in the opposite direction.

Some people fall into the negative head space and have no idea how to remove themselves from it.  It feeds the “worst case scenario” view of life.  You begin to plan for what could go wrong and live in the constant fear of what could happen if you do not plan for it to happen. Planning is the way to control. You only plan for all that could go wrong, but rarely plan for a good outcome.

Your brain contains millions of thoughts.  Some are fleeting and zoom through your head at rapid speeds never affecting your day to day.  Other thoughts stagnate and create a deep rut of negativity, fear, and anxiety.  You get stuck on what could happen, what you should have done, what you said wrong, why someone looked at you that way, and on and on down the slippery slope of doom and gloom.

Thoughts control your behavior and how you react to others.  When these thoughts are negative, your words express nothing positive or hopeful.  You see the wrong in the world and in life and do not see much good around you.  You are always looking for what others have done wrong and develop a victim mentality.  Something bad always happens to you.

The reality is that something good always happens to you, too, if you look for it.  There is good all around you and even in your head if you allow it to be your focus.  The key is not giving negative head space all the room nor feeding it by dwelling on it and adding to the thoughts.  Starve the negativity.  Keep replacing the space with what is good and healthy.

Negative head space may have become more familiar and an easy space to slip into when life feels intense.  It is being intentional where you live in your head.  Just because it is familiar does not make it healthy.  Acknowledge to yourself that there are negative thoughts in a situation, but that is just one side of the situation.  There are other options.  It is retraining your brain to see other possibilities.  It is getting off the narrow road of negativity and allowing alternative plans to be considered.

Sometimes the negative head space is just you not getting your way or being upset someone else had a better idea.  It is slowing down your thoughts and not jumping quickly down the doom and gloom road.  It is being open to different ideas and looking for good in the changed plans.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Always Hear A Tone

“Don’t use that tone with me.”  You have probably said this statement to a child, grandchild, student, spouse, or friend.  The tone of your voice may trigger a negative reaction.  The words communicate content, while tone expresses the feelings of what is spoken or written.  A tone of a person refers to the attitude, feeling or emotion conveyed through speech or written word.  The person hearing or reading makes a judgment on what is beneath the statement.  One’s tone can be perceived as positive or negative.  It is usually the negative tone that creates a reactive response.

A tone is negative when it is believed to be sarcastic, critical, or angry.  Feelings come out in your words and raised voice.  It may become a natural response and one does not recognize a specific tone.  The one who receives the words, hears something that may not have been intended but is based on past experiences or traumas.  The one hearing the tone may react by shutting down and becoming silent or becoming reactive and raise his/her voice in response and to defend against the tone perceived.

So, what is your normal tone?  Some people have an attitude that conveys they are always irritated and upset and you feel like you have bothered them.  They may give short answers that reveal their mood.  Other people have a tone that expresses joy and excitement in life.  It feels like their speech almost sings with happiness.  Nothing seems to bother them.  Some people have more of a monotone – neutral in inflection and emotion and basically goes with the flow and keep emotions from being heard in their words.

In disagreements, the tone of one’s voice tends to convey more meaning than the actual words.  It is the emotion behind the words that influences how the message is perceived.  Tone is more difficult to regulate than the choice of words especially in a tense situation.  When beginning a conversation, the tone of one’s voice influences the outcome of the situation.  When one begins with a harsh tone of accusation, it will most likely turn into an argument or verbal fight.

You can say the same phrase with different tones and receive different reactions. For instance, the phrase “It’s fine.”  If spoken in a calm, warm tone conveys reassurance and acceptance.  If spoke in a tense, flat tone, it may express frustration or disappointment.  Some people have a high-pitched tone that conveys excitement or one is about to explode verbally. 

Your tone also affects your credibility and trustworthiness.  If your tone is more steady and clear others tend to listen and hear what you are saying.  When your tone is emotionally charged, sharp, high pitched or harsh, people are reluctant to listen and trust you.

Let’s work on awareness of tone.  It will help you during emotionally charged conversations.  Slow your speech, soften your pitch and keep your voice at a steady pace.  By doing so, you can reduce conversations from escalating into arguments.  You can therefore, help to prevent others from misunderstanding what you are saying because they are not focused on your delivery.

The first step, is to become more aware of your own tone.  Listen to yourself when you speak.  Ask those around you that you trust to give you an honest answer how they perceive your tone.  What tone do you want to convey to others in your conversations?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Fear of Bad Outcomes

You saw that coming, but they did not ask for your help or advice.  You could have saved them from the consequences they are experiencing, but they did not listen to your guidance.  They said it would be fine, but you knew it would not work and it did not work.  You saw the big picture, but they only saw the immediate reward. 

You may have the ability to step back in situations, evaluate what is happening, and be able to guide people through the chaos and obstacles.  You look at all the options and determine what would work best in the current situation and have lasting positive results.  Unfortunately, people do not want to take your recommendations.  Those around you have created your fear of bad outcomes because every time they do not listen to you or ask for guidance, their decisions create problems and turmoil.  You want to protect and guide, but you are helpless.

You want to fix situations and prevent others for going down a path of doom.  But some people have to experience failure and mistakes so that they can learn and grow on their own.  It is not failure if you learn from it and move forward.  You witness people repeating the same mistakes over and over and having the same bad outcome.  Or you see where the situation will take the person and want to guide in another direction.  The person sees you as controlling and selfish while you see yourself as protective and preventive.

There are people in your life that you are just waiting for their next mess up and bad results from the choices they are making.  You chase after them attempting to save them from the inevitable.   You are tired of having to clean up the mess and suffer the consequences of their actions.  It is difficult to trust them. Your anxiety and worry become heightened as you wait.

So, what do you do?  You cannot protect adults from their own decisions.  You can advise, provide support and information, but in reality, it is their decision to make.  You know it will affect you eventually, or you will have to clean up the mess.  Maybe it is time not to clean up the mess.  Sometimes, you need to step away and let people experience the consequences of their own decisions and not rescue them.  This may seem harsh, but some people need to learn the hard way.

You cannot fix every person and situation.  That is exhausting and also impossible.  You expect those around you to grow up, learn from their mistakes, and take expert and knowledgeable advice.  You may have the insight but you cannot force it upon others.  You can pray for them.  Ask if they need assistance, and if they deny your help, release them.  You cannot force someone to see your perspective.

Change your focus.  You care and love others, but you cannot save them from what you believe will become a bad outcome.  You are only exhausting yourself as you attempt to make everyone else’s life good at your expense.  You can protect to a point but then you need to release responsibility.  Keep praying and caring but sometimes it needs to be at a distance as they figure out life.  Focus on your own life and ways to give to others in positive ways.  Set healthy boundaries and pray about what your role and responsibility is in situations.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Protect Your Peace

The news is a constant stream of negativity detailing all that is bad in the world.  It creates fear for your safety and security.  Social media is filled with arguments and disagreements with people giving their opinion and if you disagree, they immediately are negative and condescending.  You hear people argue down the street or you hear the gossip about a couple’s marriage.  Everywhere you go, there seems to be chaos.

Where do you find peace?  The world will not give you peace.  You need to protect it for yourself.  Turn off your TV for awhile and put down your phone.  Disconnect from social media.  Give yourself a mental rest.  Play with your children or grandchildren.  Take a walk with your dog.  Listen to music and sing.  Pray and worship where you find true peace.

Here are some ways to protect your peace.  It is realizing not every disagreement or argument needs a response.  Your voice will not be heard when someone is arguing loudly.  All the person wants is to expound upon his/her view.  So to protect your peace, do not engage on social media.  Do not respond hoping the other person will understand your point of view in that heightened state of mind.  Step away.

Not every insult needs your response either.  Do not go down into the mud with the person.  The insult or rude comment hurt you, but do not retaliate and be just like that person.  You will say something you will regret or is not who you really are.  Take a deep breath.  Say a prayer in your head.  Tell the person, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Walk away.  Protect your personal peace.

Not everyone deserves unlimited access to you and your emotions.  Just because your phone rings or you receive a text, you do not need to respond immediately.  To be respectful and polite, you may send a text – “I will talk with you later.”  You do not need to answer everyone’s questions or share what is going on in your life.  Protect your inner peace and your personal space and life.

Protect your peace from drama, negativity, and people who drain you emotionally.  It is setting boundaries by defining what you will not tolerate or allow in your life. This involves setting priorities of where you spend your time and energy.  You are the only one who makes yourself a priority.  Make peace a priority.  Your peace begins when you let go of negative relationships, environments, and arguments that you will never win or be heard.

Begin to understand your limits, what triggers your emotions, fears, and anxieties. Awareness of what drains the life and the joy out of your soul is a major step in protecting your inner peace.  When you are peaceful and content, you enjoy life and yourself and genuinely care for others.  It is creating calming routines, nurturing healthy relationships, and listening to your own needs.  You give yourself permission to rest physically and mentally from the noise and chaos and also declutter your mind and physical space.

You may not be able to change the circumstances around you, but you need not let your circumstances control or steal your inner peace.  Find things to bring calmness to your soul.  Focus on the good.  Peace is an inner contentment even in the midst of the chaos.  It is centering yourself on what is and who is most important. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different