When Life Gets Too Much

Life has its share of difficult situations and events that can raise your blood pressure, change your mood, and make you lose control of your emotions.  How do you regain control, regroup, and bring calm back into your life?  It is learning how to self-regulate and control emotions to bring peace into your body.

You have probably heard someone say – “Just control yourself.”  This means to settle down and not allow your emotions to take over the situation.  This is easier said than done.  You do have the ability to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors by first acquiring the necessary tools and techniques to do so.

It is recognizing that you are out of control and not handling the situation in a respectful and helpful way to you and to others.  Your impulse may be to yell and become angry and take it out on whomever is around you.  It is developing calming techniques like deep breathing to slow yourself down.  It is taking a step back from the situation and refocusing.  Look around you and use your senses to bring calm to your behavior.  Name what you see, hear, touch, smell and taste.  This will bring you back into the present.  For some of you, prayer is what calms you.  You invite God into the moment and focus on His peace and strength.

When you step back or away from the situation, it is naming how you are feeling and why, instead of jumping to anger and outbursts.  It is being self-aware of what triggers these negative behaviors in you.  Some triggers can be loud noises, bright lights, an over-stimulated environment, or just too many thoughts racing through your mind.  You may feel unsafe, trapped, or surrounded by negativity and do not know how to release yourself and feel safe again.

Sometimes, you need to literally remove yourself from the triggers or situation and find a peaceful place alone.  You need a safe space.  Create a place either physically or in your mind that is safe and go there when life gets to be too much.  Then it is spending some time talking with yourself or in prayer.  You can talk yourself through a bad mood by reminding yourself of what is good in your life.  It is changing your focus from the negativity and bringing calm to your anger.

It is also finding physical tools that will help like smooth stones to rub, fidgets, weighted blankets, puddy, stress balls, stuffed animals to hug and rub, poppers, and so much more.  These are calming devices that help regulate your system and bring you back into the present moment.  They help reduce your anxiety by channeling the intense energy into something physical you can touch and help work out the emotions.  It is a way to release.

When life becomes too much, it is learning to break things down into smaller time intervals and tasks.  When you focus on the big picture it becomes overwhelming and then you may do nothing, crash or find a way to escape and procrastinate.  Recognize your negative thought pattern has taken over and created anxiety and worry within you.  Speak truth into yourself about what is good and positive about your life.  Remind yourself who loves you and what you are grateful for in your life.  Give yourself permission to take a moment, refocus, and control your thoughts and behaviors.  Life can be a lot, but you can also calm yourself to enjoy moments.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

From Hurt To Healing

Life has hurts.  People hurt people.  Bad things happen.  Abuse, neglect, and choices cause damage physically and emotionally.  Words are spoke in anger and frustration.  Words become verbal abuse and damage another person.  People can be critical and cause pain. 

The body was created to heal.  You cut yourself.  You may receive stitches or just put a band-aid on it.  Over time, the skin grows back together, though it may leave a scar.  An emotional hurt leaves a scar deep within your soul that takes longer to heal.

You may replay the hurt done to you over and over in your mind.  You were not responsible for the hurt that was done to you.  You may have been a child with no voice or power.  You may have been hurt by someone who had an addiction or was emotionally unhealthy and abusive.  You may have been hurt by someone who was controlling and abused their power or position.  However the hurt occurred, it happened and has affected your emotions, relationships, and your outlook on life.

You are not responsible for what happened to you.  You did not cause the hurt.  But you are responsible for your own healing.  It is not allowing the hurt to be in control of your life and to live as a victim and be defined by the hurt.  Do not give that power to the one who hurt you.

The first step toward healing is to recognize where the hurt comes from and to name the hurt.  Be specific.  Pray it out.  Journal.  Talk with a counselor.  Acknowledge the depth of the hurt and how it has affected your behavior and emotions.  Don’t deny that it happened and stuff it down.  Let it out.  Name it for what it is – hurt.  Name the emotions and feelings tied with it. Then release it, and forgive the person.  Forgiveness does not justify the action or take away the truth of the act.  Forgiveness is for you so that the hurt no long controls you.  You do not have to tell the person you forgive them, but you have to tell yourself you forgive them and do not want the hurt to be in control anymore.

This will take time.  You may need to forgive the person hundreds of times in your mind before you can truly release the hurt.  Every time you think of the hurt, remind yourself it is released and no longer in control.  Put a dead-end sign in your head to prevent you from going down this well-worn path.  You are more than the hurt.

Healing continues as you turn your focus from the past to the present.  You are not the hurt.  You are more than what has happened to you.  The past cannot be changed.  It has happened.  The feelings and emotions are real, but not everything you experience now needs to go through those feelings of hurt. 

Unfortunately, people will hurt you even in the present and future, but it is developing healthier tools to deal with hurt.  It is not allowing the words of others to control you.  Yes, the words or actions may be an immediate hurt, but it is not absorbing them and letting them take residence in your head.  You do not need to give other people power over your emotions and life.  Healing continues as you find calming and peaceful ways to deal with the pains of life.  Prayer, time in nature, music, walks, journaling, and quiet time are a few of the tools that help guide healing.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

What's Your Life Speed?

You each have a speed in which you function in daily life.  It is how your brain is wired or how you learned from your environment and family life.  You may function differently than other family members because their speed does not match your view of life.  You may have adapted to a speed because of your marriage, your job, or just your need to survive.

Some of you live your life in full throttle mode.  It is fast-paced, on the go, never slow down, and you will run over those who get in your way.  You have no time for people who cannot get up to speed and complete tasks and projects ahead of time.  You are always multi-tasking and planning the next project.  You are future focused.  But you are also exhausted most of the time and have a long list of things to do.  It amazes you that people have time to relax and do nothing.  That seems a waste of time to you.

Variable speed is how some of you function.  Some days, it is full throttle and you accomplish everything in front of you, and then other days you barely do anything.  You are up and down.  It depends on your mood, your energy or your attitude.  It is difficult to regulate your speed.  Most of the time it is all or nothing.  It does not bother you, but the inconsistency may annoy others.

Then some of you just take life one step at a time.  You complete one task and have no plan for the next one.  You enjoy the completion and share each detail of what you accomplished.  You feel that you need not over-burden yourself and your pace is steady but not overwhelming.  You do not look for something to do, it just happens. 

Oh, some of you live up to the phrase - dilly dally.  You procrastinate.  You put things off and wait until it becomes necessary for survival. You delay projects and are hesitant or even indecisive to take action.  You get side-tracked or distracted and even forget what you were planning or suppose to be doing.  You get lost in your thoughts and are not consistent nor intentional. 

And last are those of you that are snails or turtles or more descriptive – couch potatoes.  Someday you will get to it.  You have a million excuses not to do it, not to try, not to follow through.  Some may regard you as lazy and have a lack of motivation or desire.

Yes, there are other life speeds in between each of those explained.  Some of you cruise through life with not much thought.  Others of you try to follow someone too closely and do exactly what they are doing.  Life has different speeds depending on the circumstances and situations.

Vacation speed tends to be slower with the purpose of just enjoying the moment without hurry or time constraints.  Retirement speed depends on how you now see your purpose.  You may slow down on the tasks and focus more on family and relationships.  Or you may be in travel speed and enjoying adventures.

It is recognizing what your life speed is and do you need to slow down or speed up for those who are most important to you so that you are traveling together.

My website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Him Hawing Around?

Do you hesitate, stall or act indecisively when making a decision?  Some people avoid making a decision fearing it will be the wrong one or that others will disagree with the decision.  Or when asked a question, the person never gives a direct or straight answer.  The person is always hemming and hawing or the casual form is “Him Hawing Around.”

When a person hesitates to answer a question, there may be several reasons why the person seems to have difficulty articulating a response.  One reason may be they are pausing to formulate the response desiring to choose the correct words.  Another reason for the hesitancy is the desire to please the person asking the question and are attempting to decipher the reason for the question. The person may be clueless and does not want to appear ignorant so stalls in hopes the question will be rescinded or the person will answer the question themselves.

But usually, the reason a person hesitates or stalls is because the person does not want to answer the question and does not know a polite way to avoid the question.  The solution is being direct and either saying, “That’s a good question and I have no response” or saying, “I prefer not to answer the question.”

When a person “him haws around” a person tends never to address the actual question or situation and goes down tangents that have no relevance to the situation.  The person may start relating about what happened years ago and go into details that confuse and lose the focus of the current conversation.  Sometimes, the one who asked the question just gives up because no straight answer is to be found.

Some people have difficulty starting a conversation.  The person does not make eye contact and tends to “hem and haw” saying, “Well, uh….”  Or the person just talks about themselves and tells stories that do not go together, that is, never finishing one story or thought before beginning another one.  The person’s line of thought seems to jump the tracks and never conclude a topic.

People may “him haw around” because they know they are wrong and do not know how to admit their mistakes or even take responsibility. They attempt to avoid the conflict that was created because they did not speak up when necessary and do not want to deal with the issue.  When in a conversation with those who know the truth, they rarely go near the topic.  When asked if the situation has been resolved, excuses are created.  Some people want to pretend it did not happen.  The old saying goes – they just push it under the rug and pretend nothing is there.

So, how do you react and deal with “him hawing around” people?  How do you change your own indecisiveness?  First, begin with the truth.  Tell yourself the truth.  Have a conversation with yourself and assess the situation.  When having conversations, be direct.  Look at the person as you talk.  Answer questions with truth statements and be willing not to answer questions that the person asking does not need to know.

Learn to listen more and talk less.  Be concerned about the other person and how they are doing.  If you have done the wrong, apologize when the other person has been hurt or offended.  Even agree to disagree. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Maybe It's Time To Stop

There are many habits and addictions that people know are unhealthy.  It is difficult to make a change and stop these habits and addictions.  When addictions are mentioned, the usual ones are listed like drinking, smoking, gambling, overeating, and drugs.  Let’s talk about some behaviors that affect our mental and emotional health that maybe it is time to stop doing, too.

For instance, maybe it is time to stop carrying the weight of things that were never meant to live in your heart like the wrongs other have done to you and the burdens of your past.  Maybe it is time to release them and forgive yourself and others.  Your focus has been the hurts of life which has prevented you from living in the present.  It is time to give yourself the freedom to break the chains of your past.  You cannot change the past nor those who caused the hurt and pain.  Set yourself free from the prison of your past.

Maybe it is time to stop seeking the approval of others and worrying about the opinions of others and just live life.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  You were created to be who you are and to have the gifts and talents that were given to you.  You are the only one like you.  Other people will have different opinions, but your life is yours.  Your worth is not based on what others think. Your life is not a performance for others.  You were not made to follow what they want you to do.  It is time for you to be you.

Stop waiting for permission to live.  Live now.  You are waiting until life gets easier.  You have more money.  You feel better.  You lose the weight.  You have a partner.  And the list goes on and on.  You are the only one that can live your life.  Stop waiting and start living.  Life is hard and the struggles are real.  Learn to live through them.  Seek help and look for hope.

Maybe it’s time to stop holding on to everything that does not really matter and embrace everything that has value and worth.  Sometimes people hold so tightly to possessions and the past and how things used to be that they do not live now.  You cannot change the past nor can you recreate it.  You can celebrate the past and share the memories.  Focus on what has meaning not the trivial things of life.

Maybe it’s time to stop spending time on decisions that are not yours to make.  You fret and worry about things that you cannot change or try to develop a plan for someone else’s life and how they can make their lives better.  You spend all your time focused on things you cannot change or influence and therefore, do not live the life you have in front of you.

Stop basing your life on what you own and believing happiness is having more toys and the latest and most popular items.  Happiness is not found in things but in relationships and in the adventures and experiences of life.  Stuff will consume you and hold you down.  You just spend your time taking care of it.

Stop waiting to live and live in front of you.  Find people who enhance your life.  Let go of what is draining the life out of you, and find what fills you up and enhances your life.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The People On Your Path

As you walk the paths around the county fairground, think of those who have walked this path before you and left a mark not just on the fair but on your life.  They leave a legacy that guides you down the path of life with integrity, dedication, faith, and love.  There are so many people who have served so faithfully, generously, and with quiet strength and leadership.

The fair book gives remembrances to several people who have made an impact on the fair and the community.  We remember and give thanks for their lives.  One person who I saw every day last year at the fair will not be here with us this year – Franklin Leightey.  Franklin spent every day at the Fair last year enjoying the events and watching grandchildren show their animals.  Franklin showed sheep for years at this fair and at the State Fair.  His dad was part of the fair board and the bench outside the Fair Office is in memory of Adam Leightey.  For me, Franklin’s legacy is his quiet leadership and strength, his love for his family and Jesus.  I was named after his wife, Elaine which connected us in a unique way.  One farm separated where we were each raised.

Another person on the path is Charlotte Leeth.  Mrs. Leeth, as I refer to her, was my ninth-grade English teacher.  I credit her for beginning my writing journey.  She encouraged me as a teenager and saw potential in me which influenced me to write several books.  Mrs. Leeth edited my last book – Live Different Moments. Since you are reading this column, you can thank Mrs. Leeth too.  Her influence is still producing fruit.

My life has been impacted by the encouraging words of my teacher.  Mrs. Leeth has lived ninety-eight years on this earth.  Her life has been fruitful in great and small ways.  She has made a difference in her students and her community and in her faith and mission trips.  I am privileged to be counted among those she has influenced.  Age is just a number to her.  She remains active and full of joy and life.

My fair days are not complete until I receive a hug from Mr. Tom Baker who comes each year to work in the Lion’s Club booth.  As a teacher, he had a gift for teaching and turning learning into an experience that made a lasting impact.  He created government day where High School seniors took over the local government for a day.  This developed skills of creativity, confidence, and a hands-on understanding of the workings of government.  Mr. Baker genuinely cared for his students.

My dad loved the fair and went every day.  As a child, I learned to love the fair because of my dad. The fair has wonderful exhibits, events, booths, animals, and food, but what makes the fair is the people.  It is where the community gathers, shares life, and remembers.  It is where you stand and talk.  It is where you remember those who you shared the fair with in the past.  They still walk with you on this path.  They are not physically with you, but they are in your heart. 

Many of the people are now walking the path in Heaven today.  Maybe there are fairs in Heaven.  Why not – it is a place to celebrate, feast together, there are lots of animals, and the fellowship and conversation never cease.  Maybe fairs are a little bit of Heaven on earth.

My website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Resting Your Thoughts

Let’s ponder the concept of rest – the resting of your thoughts not just the body.  For some of you, your thoughts never stop.  It is like a race track in your head.  Thoughts race around concerning the future or regret of the past and what you did not do.  These thoughts lead to worry and anxiety.  They never stop and you are exhausted mentally and physically because your thoughts do not cease and allow you to sleep peacefully.

These thoughts feed your worry.  Worry creates anxiety.  Worry is being fearful that nobody is in control, and you need to take on the role.  Worry does not see anybody handling the situation or relationship.  This worry heightens your anxiety and you begin to put feelings and emotions into future events that you have not yet experienced.  They are just events on a calendar without emotions attached, but when you take today’s feelings and emotions and put them into the future, you create fear and worry.  You take away peace from the present, too.  You never rest your mind which prevents your body from completely resting.

Rest.  You may associate rest with inactivity, being lazy, not accomplishing anything.  It is a luxury you cannot claim.  Rest seems impossible with your demands, schedule, and responsibilities.  It is coming to realize rest is so much more.  Rest is a freedom.  Rest is silence for a period of time.  Rest is not inactivity only.  Rest is purposeful.  Rest is needed.

Rest can also mean resting from the thoughts, the busyness, the overwhelming tasks, and taking a walk, reading a book, sitting on your porch.  Rest is letting go of what controls you and giving yourself a break to enjoy the good of life.  Rest from your schedule, your phone, your social media, and enjoy the beauty around you.  Sometimes, you even need to rest from people.  You may be peopled out and need to be alone.

It is learning to rest your thoughts which means resting from anxiety and worry.  It is choosing to rest in the present with your thoughts not focusing on the future. It is resting in your faith.  It is trusting Someone greater than yourself is in control, and you do not need to carry the load.

Rest is a peace and contentment that you do not have to be busy and exhausted and overwhelmed and feel guilty about all that you think should be done.  For example, rest could be beginning each day with a blank slate and listening to God’s plan and guidance, “What do you, God, have for me today?”  The world values busy, exhausted, overworked achievers.  There is definitely value in accomplishing tasks.  Yes, having purpose and completing tasks gives meaning. 

Resting is slowing down your thoughts of negativity and the fear of not doing enough and defining yourself by your work. Yes, there are tasks that need to be accomplished because you live in this world and have other people dependent on you.  But you can rest your thoughts and focus just on today.  It is not worrying about what could happen in the future.  Rest in the present.  Find peace in the moment.

Rest renews and refreshes your spirit.  Be intentional in resting your thoughts along with your body and your activity.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Releasing The Darkness

She had accepted that her husband was now in Heaven.  She had released him to live in Heaven.  That chapter of her life was complete.  The memories and the influence remained in her heart and the love continued.  So why was there still a feeling of darkness around her?

Darkness is associated with the unknown, with fear, with evil, with being unable to find one’s way.  It is the absence of light.  Darkness is also a way to express your feelings of gloom and despair.  Darkness expresses your hopelessness.

The darkness of loss is filled with the feelings of being lonely, lost, and not knowing how to find yourself and the light of this different life.  When the darkness of grief begins to lighten and the intensity is not so overwhelming, you begin to look at who are you now.  That is when the darkness of your soul seems to invade the progress toward light and life. 

The darkness is present because you may never have known who you really were in any relationship.  You became what the situation needed or what others expected.  When you look deep inside yourself, all you see is darkness because you have not defined yourself in the light yet.  Oh, others may see you as light and joy, but inwardly you are lost and dark and so unsure of how to maneuver on the path toward light and life.

Anxiety, worry, depression, guilt, shame, sin, and so much more fuel the darkness and the belief that this is who you really are, and you will remain in this sadness and darkness forever.  Yes, these feelings are real and intense and describe where you have been and how you have felt.  But when you focus only on the darkness of your soul, you miss the light.  You cannot deny this part of life, but it is not all there is to life.

You need to change your focus.  Darkness is present in this world.  It always will be, but there is also light which reflects hope, joy, peace, life, different, change.  It is all there.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes, you will still miss your loved one.  Yes, you will need to keep choosing each day to turn toward the light and be intentional in choosing to live.  You need to let go of the familiar and the comfort of the darkness.  You do not want to be comfortable in the darkness, but it is so familiar but so lonely and empty.  Release trying to live in the past – that is where the darkness dwells.  Release and be set free from the confinement of the pain and hurt.  It will consume if you let it.  It will always be waiting for you in the darkness.

Release is not forgetting.  It is allowing life to continue on a different path.  It is choosing to forgive, to heal, to live despite the loss and pain and change.  It is choosing not to live in the disappointments of life.  It is learning to choose to follow the light and live in the present.  To truly experience life and find the good.  You have felt the hurt and disenchantments of life but have not allowed them to pull you so deep into the darkness that you could not see the light reach out to you.

It is living as one who belongs to the light.  You may not feel the joy and peace but you are choosing to begin to walk toward peace, hope, and joy. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Propensity of Life

Propensity is a natural inclination, a leaning, a natural tendency to behave in a certain way.  Society has a natural propensity to complain, to focus on what is wrong, and to be negative.  It seems natural for people to complain about the weather and that life is not fair.  Why is the natural inclination to see the bad and hurt?  Many people focus on the negative aspect of their lives which produce anxiety and depression.

Your propensity for life begins in childhood as you develop your foundational principles to guide and direct your life.  These are based on your family, your environment, your faith, human nature, influences from society, and friendships.  Over time, you believe this is who you are, and you accept these tendencies as defining yourself.  Sometimes these inclinations are influenced by others, especially your primary person in life. When life changes with loss, you rarely revisit these inclinations because they are integrated into who you believe you are.

When changes occur and people leave your physical presence, you need to look deep within yourself to figure out who you now want to be.  Propensities can change and will change because of loss and trauma.  Your natural inclination may be to see the good and look for the positive in life which may have been influenced by your parents or grandparents who saw the good in life.

If you have a propensity for something, it comes naturally or just something you do regularly.  For example, you may have a propensity to make people laugh, to give gifts and be generous, or a propensity to get angry when things do not go your way.  It may be difficult to change this inclination, but it is possible when you are aware of it.  Some are good ways that you want to keep and develop while others are negative that need to be softened and reframed.

Your propensity is also your preferences in choices, situations, and style.  You may be naturally reserved and shy around people or you may be loud and the center of the conversation.  It is recognizing what is healthy for you and do you want to change your natural way you interact with others? 

You may lean toward being rigid in your spending or you may love to shop and buy and spend.  This choice may have originated from your childhood.  Some of your tendencies may come because of your parents.  You either follow their example or do the opposite because you did not like their way.

Many times, a propensity of life just happens without thought or awareness.  Sometimes it is good to pause and reflect on why you do certain things.  For example, is your style of clothes really who you are or did it just happen without any thought or reason?  Do you naturally follow what other people believe and how they respond and accept negativity and derogatory language?  Is your natural inclination to judge, be quick to anger, and be negative? 

Maybe it is time to take the pause and look at how you are responding to life and situations just because you always have done it.  Be proactive and decide how you want to show up and who you really want to be. What is your propensity of life?

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Fool Yourself Less

You did not trust your gut feeling or instinct, but you believed the opinion of someone else.  It fell apart because you did not trust yourself.  The other person made you question yourself and so you caved in, and now you regret your choice.  You fooled yourself into doubting yourself.

You thought you did not need help, guidance, or advice.  You believed you could think for yourself.  You relied on social media’s perspective to form your views and values and you made these thoughts true.  Now you have alienated those who have supported you.  You have fooled yourself into thinking your foundation is outdated.

Not all your thoughts or the views and opinions of others are factual.  You can create thoughts that you believe are true but have no factual basis.  This is where anxiety, worry, and fear take up residence in these thoughts that have no validity.

You created a view or story in your head and begin looking for statements from others and the media that validate these thoughts.  You keep adding to the thoughts until you fool yourself into believing they are true.  You argue and are reactive and negative toward others who challenge your thoughts.

So, who are you trusting with your thoughts?  When you trust someone and they break your trust, it is difficult to trust them again.  Sometimes it is accepting people for who they are and not basing your thoughts and decisions on people who are not consistent and factual.  It is not fooling yourself to believe they will not mess with your thoughts.

How about fooling yourself less?  Start by stating truth statements to your thoughts.  Ask yourself why you had the thought.  Where did it come from?  Why are you entertaining different thoughts about a value or belief that is part of your strong foundation of life and faith?  Focus on what you know is true and your foundational beliefs.  Challenge your thoughts and tell yourself what is true and right and good.

To fool yourself less is not being hopeless or pessimistic, but it is being realistic.   It is also building trust in yourself and living in truth statements that align with your values, morals, and beliefs.  A fool believes popular media opinion as facts without putting any personal thought into it.  Research for yourself.  Talk with those you respect.  Pray for discernment.  How does the idea or thought reflect who you are and who you want to be?

Fooling yourself also involves believing the thoughts that nobody cares, you have no value, life is all bad, and down the negative rabbit hole of self-defeat.  You are thinking in an all or nothing view.  Fool yourself less through statements like “sometimes bad things happen, but good happens too.”  It is capturing your thoughts before you speak them and not allowing them to feed the negativity of anxiety and depression.  Fool yourself less by focusing on what is actually happening around you and name what is true.

Fool yourself less by accepting people for who they are and not living in what you expect or hoped they would be.  You cannot change another person.  You can only accept the person by how they currently behave and act.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

The Tracks In Your Head

There were tracks in the parking lot where the workers had walked through the concrete dust.  It looked like they had sprayed off their equipment and then walked through the water.  They left their tracks.  In the winter, you can see tracks through the snow from animals that cross the path.  When you walk across a just mopped floor, you leave tracks.  These are all visible tracks that usually clean up with some soap and water or melting snow.

You see railroad tracks that lead somewhere down the line and are permanent.  They are straight and the train that runs on them does not deviate from the rail unless an obstacle or engine failure cause it to jump the tracks.  The tracks go in different directions but connect so that the train can transfer tracks.  There are racetracks where people, cars, tractors, motorcycles and a variety of other types of vehicles go round and round with the purpose of winning a race.  There are lots of different types of tracks in the world.

A track can also be a direction.  For example, a person can be on track to graduate or for a job promotion.  There are many definitions for tracks.  There are also tracks in your head.  You may have a well-worn track of worry and anxiety.  It is easy to jump on this track when something goes wrong or fears take over.  You have tracks that focus on schedules, deadlines, tasks, and the overwhelming details of life.  There are tracks that focus on the future and all the possible outcomes.  Tracks that think and worry about family, friends, loved ones, and how to fix their lives.  Tracks of grief where the tendency is to slow down on this journey to remember and linger in the memories.  All these tracks or paths in your head are well-worn and can easily consume and become the focus of life.  Some paths you just keep jumping back on, and it feels like you are going in circles.

Is there a common track that runs through everything in your head - a track that keeps you from going in the wrong direction or being consumed by the negativity and struggles of life?  Can you pull yourself off a path that leads to worry, anxiety, or depression – a thought path that focuses on the things of this world that do not really matter?  For me it is the straight and constant path of God’s Presence. It is finding your straight path that is reliable, constant, right, and provides guidance.  That’s the path to follow.

The head can get pretty complex with all the thoughts, and if you could draw what is in your head it would be a jumbled mess of tracks crossing over each other with some going nowhere and some with an abrupt end.  Some are well-worn because you go over and over them continuously.  Come on, you have to admit those thought patterns in your head can be mixed up, not defined, and feel like they are not going anywhere with purpose.

When your mind wanders and feels lost, anxious or just not yourself, these feelings remind you that you have gotten off track to what is good and right and true.  It is finding your reliable track and returning to it when you get side tracked.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Life - Good and Hard

“How’s life?”  She responded, “Today it is pretty good.  Yesterday, not so good.”  Another person when asked the same question stated, “I’m good, really.”  Despite all she shared that was happening in her life around her, she was good.  Another lady, said life has always been hard, but she has survived.  Her faith was strong, but she was now asking the “why?” question.  She had survived cancer, but now it came back for the second time.  “Why?”

Good is a relative term.  Each person has a standard to measure good. The dictionary has about a hundred synonyms for good.  Some make you smile – “hunky-dory.”  Some are based on slang – “wicked.”  Some are country origin – “up to scratch.”  Good is a quality or level of measure.  How do you measure good?  Is it when everything is going the way you want it?    Is it when all your family and friends are all right and healthy and happy?

Then there is the measure of hard when related to life.  It means life is difficult with problems that seem overwhelming, frustrating, and unpleasant to endure.  A hard life is also based on one’s perspective in relation to the experience of others.  You may tend to compare your circumstances to others and make a qualitative assessment of who has the harder life and who has had it easier, or everything seems to go their way.

Life is good.  Life is hard.  No denying this about life.  Our perspective and foundation influence these descriptions.  So, when life is good, do you really enjoy it to the fullest?  It may be good days or just good moments as you define it.  Are you fully present and taking in the good and giving thanks for the blessings of the good life?  Or are you filled with anxiety and worry about how long will the good last and when will something bad happen?  If this is you, then you are never completely enjoying the blessings of life in the present moment.

When life is hard, your faith is still within you but the difficulties of life cloud your view and your feelings are focused on the pain and hurt.  You go through battles, struggles, and hard times.  This is a natural part of life in a broken world.  It is the way you handle these times that builds who you are and your reliance upon your foundation.  It is not a punishment though it is difficult to see beyond the struggle.

You can create your own hard times by your choices and your anxiety and worry about what could happen.  Life is tough enough without creating in your head all the possibilities of what could go wrong.  You start to question if you are making the right decision.  You have the freedom in choices.  Some of your choices make the path more difficult so you learn some tough lessons that strengthen you and gives you wisdom in future decision making.

Life is good.  Look for the good and rejoice in it.  Give thanks in the good.  Life is hard.  Embrace the hard. Take it one moment at a time. Know that you are never alone in it.  Break down the hard in moments.  You cannot carry the load by yourself.  Ask for help and support.  Rely on God in the good and in the hard.

Life is meant to be lived in the now not the tomorrows.  Live in the good and the hard times. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Chasing Relationships

Do you remember playing tag when you were a kid?  One person was “it” and chased after everyone else.  When a person was tagged, they were out of the game or if it was freeze tag, the person was frozen until someone else tagged them to unfreeze them which put the person back into the game to be chased.

You thought your chasing days ended in elementary school, but sometimes you feel like you are chasing after people to have a relationship with them even within your own family.  You are trying to force a connection out of your own need to have a close family and friendships.

At times, it is exhausting and draining because you have to do all the work with little results.  You make the calls and send the texts and schedule the time together.  You make the effort because if you do not, there is no contact by those you care about.  They live their lives oblivious to you and your need to be in their lives.  Is it worth all the effort you wonder?

When you force anything – conversation, friendships, relationships, attention – it is not genuine and rarely mutual.  You make it an obligation to the other person which can create resentment or a shallow or surface connection.  It becomes not what you were seeking and creates even more emptiness within you.  You are forcing something that is not worth fighting for because it does not flow naturally nor meet anyone’s needs.

Relationships are challenging.  You cannot force a person to spend time with you.  You can tag or choose people in the hope of developing a closer relationship, but it is not guaranteed.  Someone else may unfreeze them from your tag and develop the relationship you had anticipated.

Allow people to be who they are – it is what it is.  They already have their inner circle and groups and may be closed to letting anyone else into their lives at this time.  Don’t wear yourself out by chasing after people.  You begin to wonder what is wrong with you.  It may not be you; it is just not the people or group for you.  So how do you stop chasing and actually develop healthy and lasting relationships?

First, start with yourself.  Do you like being around yourself?  Are you negative, a complainer, or always talking about yourself?  If so, you may not be a pleasant person to be around.  It is working on being a friend and being a person that is enjoyable and healthy to be around.  Learn to like who you are and find worth in yourself.  You spend the most time with yourself, so learn to like who you are and others will too.

Next, it is saying “yes” when invited to events and joining groups that are of interest to you.  Try out new adventures and experiences.  Find a common bond and interest.  It is allowing relationships to naturally develop and being intentional in being social and involved in areas that interest you.

Learn to step in and out of relationships.  Enjoy the moments with friends and family, but do not make them the center of your world.  If you do, when they are not available, you have no worth or value.  Enjoy time alone.  Develop your inner spirit and soul. 

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

People Are Not Projects

You could not believe he did what he did.  If only he would have listened to your advice.  She messed up again, but you could have helped if she had accepted your assistance.  You could have prevented the mess, but your advice fell on deaf ears.  Your desire is to prevent the troubles and create another person’s life the way you want them to live.

This is a form of control.  You believe you know what is best for another person and how the person should live life.  In a sense, you want ownership of the person, give direction, manage and create a success story of the person’s life.  You try to encourage and guide toward the direction you believe is right, but as hard as you try, it does not work.  You attempt to make sense out of what the person is doing, but you continue to question the person’s choices, behaviors, and lack of decision-making.

You become frustrated and even attempt to manipulate the person into going the direction you believe is the right one.  You see the person as a project to complete, a task to achieve, or a success story in the making.  You want to mold and make them into what you believe will be good for them.  And it is not working.  So, what do you do?

First, you stop trying to control and create the person into your image and expectations.  See the person for who he/she really is with flaws and gifts.  Nobody is perfect and you do not have the answers for everyone’s life.  Be an encourager who is available to assist when asked.  But do not be an enabler that allows another person to continue in negative and possibly self-destructive habits at your expense.  You try to fix and keep them from experiencing the consequences of their actions.  You think it is helping, but in reality, it prevents growth by not allowing them to deal with the outcome of their actions.  You are only managing the current issue not the underlying problem.  It takes a toll on your own health and finances.

It is loving the person but not taking responsibility for their behaviors and actions.  It is being patient and giving the person time to make decisions and experience the results of their behaviors and actions.

It is setting healthy boundaries and learning to step in and step out of people’s lives without being responsible for everything they do.  Sometimes, it is loving at a distance.  It is praying for them.  It is not being negative or sharing gossip about them or getting other people to take sides thus creating division.

It is accepting that some people are content in the life they are living even though you want more for them or know what they could do to enjoy life more.  It is not your life.  Your role and purpose are to encourage, ask if they want ideas or suggestions, and allow others to create their own life.  It is changing your focus to living your best life and dealing with your own behaviors, flaws, and actions.  It is living what you believe and being a positive example to others quietly, respectfully, and faithfully.

Elaine’s blog, books and information can be found on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

So, What's Your Figurability?

You have a problem or situation and you need to come up with a plan and resolution.  You need to find a solution or understand someone’s behavior.  You are trying to figure it out, that is, solve, understand and determine the appropriate outcome.  It is taking an abstract or complex issue or problem and finding a possible solution. That’s figurability.

What do you use to figure it out?  How does your mind work to give shape to an abstract or complex problem and have the shape become reality?  It is determining your method.  Some people make no decision and just let life happen.  They take no responsibility for what happens because they do not want any conflict so they ignore it hoping it will solve itself or just go away.  Never works.  It usually creates the conflict you are trying to avoid.  They never figure anything out and just let life take them wherever it does, and if there is a problem, it is pushed “under the rug” and never dealt with.  It causes one to stumble but then you avoid the area or person who caused it.

Now, going with the flow of life works for a while unless you get upset at the results and blame others.  What usually happens next is one just makes a random or quick decision.  Basically, a guess without facts or processing through the situation.  It is based on emotions and feelings or the avoidance of them.  You don’t want to feel any anxiety or take any responsibility, so you figure out what works best for you without any consideration of other people or the ramifications.

You may consult friends and family to receive their opinion and perspective.   Everyone will have an opinion which gives their slant on the issue and sometimes does not include all the facts.  You may put it out on social media and wait for all the views and the negativity you will receive.  Some people google it and let AI tell them the solution.  You may talk with a counselor and process through all the options.  You may pray and read the Bible to gain discernment.

You may seek expert advice based on the issue or problem.  If it is a legal issue, you consult a lawyer.  If it is a financial issue, you consult a financial advisor.  If it is a plumbing problem, you find a plumber.  It is admitting to yourself that sometimes you do not have the knowledge or skill to figure out a solution and need help.  This is accepting your limitations and being smart enough to know what you do not know.

When you are attempting to figure out a solution, do you trust yourself to make an informed and good decision?  Take your time.  Name your options.  Take the information you have acquired from experts and the opinions of people you trust.  Step away, if possible, to give your thoughts a rest and come back refreshed with a new perspective.  Pray, take a walk and look at nature and breathe in the fresh air and remind yourself of your priorities in figuring it out.

You may need to write out the problem and the options to see them on paper.  Then right down your solution.  Does it make sense?  Is it plausible? Can you do it?  Whose help do you need?  So, what’s your figurability?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website for her blog and previous columns – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Making The Most of It

You took the trip planning to enjoy the beach and sunshine every day, but it was cloudy and rainy most of the time.  You planned to spend the day organizing and cleaning, but something broke so you spent the day repairing and cleaning up the mess.  Life does not turn out how you planned it.

You make plans but you cannot control the weather, other people or when something breaks.  How do you handle the disappointments and frustrations of life?  If you try to control everything and everyone, you soon discover that it is impossible.  The lack of control can create anger and resentment and lead to a life with no enjoyment.

When you blame yourself that life did not go as planned, you go deeper into the need to control.  You blame yourself for choosing the wrong dates for your trip or for not being more proactive in preventing break downs.  Or your anger goes outward and you take it out on family and believe that life never gives you a break.  Something always goes wrong becomes your motto for life.  You never get to relax and enjoy life.  You become mad at the world.

Life happens.  You cannot control the weather, but it does not need to ruin the trip.  Something breaks and you just clean up the mess.  It is changing an attitude and focus.  It is making the most of the situation.  For example, maybe you needed more rest, and the clouds and rain gave you more time to nap, reflect and pray.  Maybe it was learning how to make a repair and being proud of your accomplishment so that someday you can help someone else with it.

It is changing your plan for a different purpose.  Your plan involved getting your way – doing it your way.  Maybe it is looking at a greater purpose in the moments of life.  Disappointments and frustrations come when your focus is self-centered and rigid.  You refuse to deviate from your plan for a greater plan or purpose.

Break down the big purpose and plan and begin to look at what is in front of you.  How can you make the most of what you have, not what you wanted to have?  What can you do differently?  Be flexible.  Release the plan in your head that keeps you frustrated because it is not going to happen.  Let it go.  Go with the flow.  Look for the blessings in what you would have missed if your plan had worked. 

Make the most of your situation.  It is all you have.  It is what it is.  Find the good.  Release your expectations and go with the moment at hand.  Find something to be grateful for and name your blessings.  This may take a little effort especially if you feel like everything goes wrong for you.  Here is a suggestion on how to begin naming your blessings – start with the alphabet.  Name something you are grateful for using each letter of the alphabet.  By the time you name twenty-six grateful blessings, your attitude and outlook should change.  If not, repeat it until you have made the most of your situation by being grateful.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com  blogs, books and more.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Being Pugnacious?

You said something to him, and you saw a change in his facial expression and body language.  He did not agree and was about to react to your statement with an argument against you.  So, what do you do?  Some people are pugnacious, that is, eager or quick to argue, quarrel or fight.  How do you defuse a pugnacious person and not react to the escalated emotion? Or maybe you are the one who is quick to argue and it seems you are always upset and quarreling with someone.

Some people are reactive and believe everyone is out to get them so you need to be quick to defend and not let another person get the upper hand.  Pause for a moment, has arguing, raising your voice, getting angry and being upset at another person ever solved the issue?  When a person argues, you just want the other person to stop talking and accept your point of view.  You do not want to listen.  You just want the other person to admit you are right and they are wrong.

The world is reactive and social media continues to feed into accepting that it is the right way to deal with something that does not fit your view.  When you react quickly, you are responding only emotionally without thought or consideration of the other person.  You treat them as if they do not matter to you.  You become the center and most important.

When you are pugnacious, you like hearing yourself speak and controlling the environment.  You call attention to yourself believing the louder you are, the more others will listen and accept that you are right.  Some people like to argue just to argue wanting to confuse others and it becomes just a game.  Fighting with words tears down another person and makes you appear not to care about anybody except yourself.

People fight with words to protect themselves from not dealing with what is really going on inside of themselves.  It is placing the blame for everything onto someone else so you do not have to look at how you are behaving.  Being pugnacious takes away another person’s self-esteem and worth.  The one yelling and arguing uses words that tear down, diminish worth and tells the person there is no value in them.

How do you turn this around and not argue, fight with words and degrade others?  The opposite of being pugnacious is being friendly, agreeable, amiable, non-combative with an easy-going temperament. So how about a balance between the two extremes?  To start changing is to choose to listen before reacting.  Slow yourself down.  Take a deep breath.  Evaluate the situation.  What is really going on and ask questions instead of yelling and being angry.  You may need to take a walk or at least walk away for a moment to prevent yourself from fighting and arguing.  

It is also accepting that fighting and arguing does not solve anything.  In reality, it makes the situation worse.  You just make another person angry, resentful or shut down.  Each person is entitled to his/her own opinion, and it is not your responsibility to change their view to your view.  It is a willingness to listen and even agree to disagree.  You may need to ask yourself why you believe you are always right.  Do you care about how you treat others?

It is changing a behavior of being reactive and arguing and fighting to listening more, slowing yourself down and paying attention to what is really going on around you.

Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – has her blogs, columns and books.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Disappointed But Not Discouraged

Life disappoints.  People disappoint.  They do not meet your expectations.  They do not always follow through and do what you had hoped or even what they promised to do.  Someone may have promised to always be there for you but when you needed them, they were nowhere to be found.  You may be disappointed that they do not support you now even though they have been your friend for a long time.

What do you do with your disappointments?  First, you need to define disappointment.  It is a sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.  Sometimes your disappointment is directed toward a person, sometimes a situation, and sometimes toward yourself.  For some of you, it is bringing these feelings to God.  Talk to God about how you feel, not to other people.  Release the sadness and irritation.  Do not absorb the failure of others to meet your expectations.  They may not have known what you expected.  Other people have different views of the situation than you do.  When you live in the expectations of what others should do, you will always be disappointed.

When you are disappointed in how you reacted, what you failed to do or what you actually did, don’t beat yourself up. It is recognizing everyone messes up from time to time.  Nobody is perfect.  It is forgiving yourself and releasing the sadness.   When you dwell on the disappointments, it can turn to bitterness and resentment.  It festers inside and prevents you from moving forward.  You just ruminate on the hurt, and it begins to permeate into all areas of life.  You quit connecting with others because of the fear they will just disappoint you or you will disappoint them.  This can lead to discouragement.

Discouragement is the loss of confidence or enthusiasm for something.  You expected others to be supportive of your endeavor.  You had hoped they would be as excited about it as you are.  When it did not happen, you may have become upset, angry, and at first wondered why you even bothered.  The thoughts in your head were negative and began to convince yourself to give up.  But through prayer and quieting your soul and not giving other people control, you did not become discouraged.  In fact, you used the disappointment and turned it into courage to try something new and different.

Courage is strength in the face of pain or something frightening.  It is facing a fear.  Courage is deep inside.  It comes from your trust and faith.  You can use your disappointments as training ground to grow and depend on your faith and not the views of other people.  Courage is to deliberately choose to persevere through adversity.  It is acting despite your fear.  It is doing something afraid, but still doing it.

When you live in the expectations of others, they are in control. You will sway back and forth based on their whim and fickleness.  Have the courage to face your disappointments and not let them defeat you or control you.  Use them as a challenge that there is a greater plan – one you cannot see yet.  Don’t be discouraged.  Trust forward.

Life will always disappoint.  Change your focus.  Use your disappointments and go a different direction.

Check out Elaine’s website and blog and books – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Conundrum of Life

A conundrum is a confusing and difficult problem or question with no clear or easy solution.  It leaves a person in a quandary or dilemma not knowing what to do in a situation or how to answer the puzzle.  It feels like you do not know what choice or decision to make.  You have all experienced this at some time in your lives.  You are confused about what to do.  You do not know the right way to go.  You feel the weight of making a decision. 

You desire something different, but get into a rut in your daily life.  It can be in work, in marriage, family relationships, or your daily routine.  You tell yourself that you need to change, but the daily rut becomes too familiar and comfortable.  It is a struggle.  How do you choose to take steps out of this rut?  If you do, then what?  It is unfamiliar, and you say to ourself, “What if I mess up and it does not work out?”  It is being afraid of failure so you do not try or believe it will not be good enough so doing nothing is easier.

These thoughts and feelings are real and are defeating.  They keep one from even starting on a new path.  The conundrum of life bases everything on your own strength, determination, and abilities.  When the focus is on the failures of the past – the track record – you are already defeated.  You have tried and messed up on other attempts so why will this time be different? So going back to the rut makes you believe the routine works.

Routine can be good if it is healthy.  That is, the routine keeps you focused on taking care of your necessary tasks, and keeps you grounded. But a rut is not healthy – it is a place where you are stuck.  A rut is a habit or pattern that has become dull and unproductive.  It feels like a dead end.

So how do you get out of your rut, know what direction to go and figure out who you are now?  How do you answer the conundrum of your life?  Good question.  It is based on the foundation of your life – your faith, your relationships, and your values and purpose for life.  Where do you turn for support, guidance, and assistance in making decisions and moving forward in life?

Some of the reason for ruts is that you still see yourself as the one who messed up and does not deserve another chance and a good life with meaning and purpose.  Worry and anxiety keep one stuck and in a quandary.  You worry about what could happen and fear the future and cannot calm the inner fears and worries.  This brings weakness, feelings of being overwhelmed, tense and afraid to change and find out who you really are now.  You may define yourself based on anxiety, fear, worry, and “stuckness.”

It is calming the inner spirit within you and believing in who you are and who you were created to be.  It is finding the spiritual part of yourself.  Every person is spiritual.  That is, each person has a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspect.  It is developing healthy habits that creates peace in the midst of life’s challenges, and relying on Someone greater than yourself.  It is being willing to change your focus, challenge yourself and believe that there is more to life than the rut you have created.

Check out Elaine’s blog and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Readjusting Your Relationships

Life is filled with relationships.  You were born into a family and created relationships with those connected to your family.  You attended school with other students who were in your class and you developed friendships.  Some of those friendships continued throughout school life and even beyond.  You worshipped in a church and created a church family relationship with those around you.  You worked and relationships happened because of your time together.  You joined a variety of organizations and because of your mutual interest, you formed a bond.

When you are in relationship with someone, you appreciate the person for who they are and see the person as valuable to your life.  People were created to be in relationship with one another.  Yes, you can live life alone, but there is an emptiness and lack of growth because nobody challenges you or fulfills the inner need for connection.  Some people are with you for a lifetime and others for a moment or season.  Each person has a purpose.  You learn from one another what to do and also what not to do.

In each season of life, you experience changes in relationships. Family is still family but their needs change and may take steps away from you as they develop their own lives within a new family unit.  It is being able to release children and grandchildren to mature and grow into who they were created to be.  Sometimes it may feel they are distant and do not respond to communication.  Responding is a choice.  It does not always mean the person no longer cares; it just means they are slow to respond or choose not to answer calls or texts.

Friendships also change because of interests, locations, and other focuses in life.  For some people, grandchildren are the center of their life and friendships take a back seat to being involved in the life of grandchildren.  Remember, children are little only once.  Relationships are therefore based on priorities.

When you move to a new city or even a new neighborhood, relationships change.   You may promise to keep in touch, but it takes more effort and is not as convenient as it once was.  It is not that you do not care about the people in your past, they are no longer as convenient and new relationships are developing.

Life changes relationships.  People remain part of your foundation and when you think of them or recall an experience, you are thankful for their life and your connection.  You still care about them and when you do see them, you may hug them and are excited to “catch up” on life.  Some relationships are for seasons.  You walk with people in the joys, struggles, adventures and sorrows of life, but then your lives separate and go down different paths.

Sometimes, you need to grieve the changes and accept that you can still treasure the relationship and give thanks for the memories and the experiences.  You readjust and develop new connections.  You cannot force people to stay in your life or try to do everything for them to keep the relationship.  It is releasing people to connect to others and be grateful for the time together.  Even in families, it is recognizing your role and responsibility.  It is enjoying the moments and allowing family members to create their own life and relationships.  It is learning to step in and enjoy, and step out and allow others to live their lives without you in the midst of it.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s website – www.livinginthedifferent.com – for her blog and books.