Holding A Grudge

“I will forgive him, but I will never forget what he did.”  Is this really forgiveness?  You acknowledge that a person did wrong and apologized for what he did.  You accept his apology, but you do not trust him and believe he will continue to do wrong toward you.  You forgive but still have a feeling of resentment that continues to linger within you. 

You have a past that you cannot get passed.  You are holding a grudge.  It is a long-lasting feeling of animosity, ill will, and anger.  When you think of the wrong done to you, you still get emotional and have negative feelings toward the person.  Holding a grudge because of a wrong done to you, makes you bitter, resentful, and sometimes vindictive, having the desire to seek revenge.

Your grudge has affected you emotionally and has created behaviors in you caused by your past.  You blame the person who wronged you for your emotional scars and your behaviors.  You react a certain way because of what was done to you.  Emotionally, your grudge holds you hostage to the past.

The first step forward is to admit how you feel.  You have not really forgiven the person or let go of how you feel toward the person.  You are living in the past wrong.  Admit to yourself how you feel toward the person and the situation.  Make it real and do not sugar coat it.  It has affected your moods and emotions since the wrong occurred.  You have probably taken it out on others who had nothing to do with the situation.

Feel the hurt and pain.  Talk it out through prayer and self-talk.  Talk aloud or if needed with a friend or counselor.  Acknowledge what happened was wrong but holding onto it does not fix it or allow you to live burden free in the present.  Holding on to a grudge is just as wrong as what happened in the past.  Begin the process of forgiveness.  It does not excuse the wrong, but it frees you from the burden and hurt.  The other person is no longer in control of you and your emotions when you forgive.

Next, it is releasing the control of the past and what was done to you.  Release your grudge.  You cannot change it.  The person may or may not have changed, but you can change how you deal with the situation.  You have learned from it.  Maybe you need to set a healthy boundary with the person.  Forgive and release the person and the burden of resentment you have bottled up inside of you.  Give yourself the freedom to live in the present.

A grudge is a heavy burden to carry, and it makes you an angry, negative and bitter person.  It affects all your relationships and how you view life.  You begin holding grudges against everyone who has wronged you, and then you isolate yourself from everyone because you assume they will hurt you too.  Soon nobody wants to be around you because you have become a grumpy, negative person.  Release and live forward into life.  You cannot change the past, but you can change how the past controls you.  Live in the freedom of letting go of the hurt.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How Social Are You?

You are invited to an event and have agreed to attend.  It sounded like an enjoyable time and now it is here, and you are anxious and wondering why you said yes.  You do not want to go, but you gave your word, so you force yourself.  You end up having a great time.  So why did you get so upset and anxious? It was not like you had something else to do or it took away from anything in your life. 

For some of you this is how your social anxiety comes out.  You fear not being accepted.  Fear being around crowds.  You fear you will be judged.  You are afraid you will say or do something wrong and be criticized.  You fear being around people. You don’t want to be the center of attention.  Your anxiety lets people you do not know control your emotions. For others, if you are asked to lead the event or speak, how will you be accepted?  Will you make any difference, or will you be helpful to anyone?  Will others see how nervous you are?

You have your routine and when someone asks you to deviate from your daily routine and attend a family event or social event, you always say no or want to say no.  Your calendar is not full of activities, but you just get used to your little world.  You fear trying new adventures even when the activity sounds like something you would enjoy.  You have become a homebody and do not deviate from your space and choices.

Being at home is good if you are content, but if you have the ability to be active and interact with others but never do, you may have some social anxiety.  Some of you may prefer being alone.  Again, if you are happy with where you are being more introverted, and it works for you, be who you are.  For the rest of you who want friends, feel lonely and desire to be active in life, but just the thought of going out of your space fills you with anxiety and fear.  You want to go, but it feels impossible to take the first step.

Social anxiety is filled with fear of not being accepted, being judged, not knowing how to maintain a conversation, fear of being watched.  You feel self-conscious and lack confidence.  So, let’s take some steps to be more engaged in life with less anxiety.  Start slowly by going to public places for a few minutes and then leave.  You begin normalizing places and spaces and people when you put time limits on the interaction.  You have no obligation to talk with others or stay long.  Then you go longer and choose to talk to a person and slowly build up more interactions and places.

The key is giving yourself permission to slowly step into more socialization and set boundaries in what you will do and how you will interact.  You take control of the anxiety by not putting the fear as your focus.  You begin to normalize social interactions and find enjoyment in relationships.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Indecisively Impulsive

Is it difficult for you to make a decision?  You may be afraid it will be wrong, or it will cause a mess. You fear others may not agree with your choice, and you do not want to upset others.  Your desire is to keep life calm and if that means allowing others to make the decisions, then you just wait for someone to choose even if it is not your preference.  Making choices – even if it is what to have for dinner – brings some feelings of anxiousness and worry that not everyone will agree.

Maybe you are impulsive and quickly make a decision without much thought or information.  You do not consider the consequences and just see yourself as a free spirit who can handle whatever happens.  You do not consider the feelings and views of others but tend to push through your ideas.  You believe everyone will enjoy your idea.

You may be one that takes your time in making a decision.  You research and ponder all the options.  You gather the facts.  Look at the pros and cons.  You even sleep on it, never wanting to make an uninformed decision.  You go over and over all the facts and share them with others who may not be as interested in all the details as you are. You try to make a decision based on the facts and the best possible option.

These are two extremes in decision-making and problem-solving.  Impulsiveness has no forethought but is in the moment and makes the choice based usually on how one feels and is quick to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  Those who lean toward being impulsive usually enjoy the moment and easily can change and be ready for anything.  You may be spontaneous in trying new adventures which is the good of being impulsive. But some of the consequences can be devastating financially and in relationships.  You may hurt others because you did not take the time to consider their needs.

Indecisiveness never decides, and it is too risky to attempt making a choice.  You are the one when asked, “Where do you want to eat?” replies, “It doesn’t matter, you choose.”  You may then complain inwardly because you don’t like the food there, but you would never say anything.

Taking your time to gather the facts and do the research is good as long as it is done in a timely manner, and you actually make a choice.  Sometimes researchers take so long that you exasperate those around you because decisions are delayed.

Balance is the key to decision making.  There is a place for both.  It is good to be impulsive if it brings adventures and joy in life.  Doing activities on the spur of the moment without plan can be fun and fulfilling.  Making plans, doing the research, and making a decision within a healthy time frame is good too.  Decision-making builds confidence when your decisions work out for the good.  It also teaches you to evaluate what you learned when decisions do not turn out as you had hoped. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Embrace Change

Change is one of the guarantees and constants of life.  The only human being that truly wants change is a baby!  Life changes in each season of life.  Some changes are exciting like graduations, new jobs, new homes, weddings, and births.  Some changes are traumatic like the loss of a loved one, job loss, transitioning to a new place, and all the other types of losses in life. 

You cannot change what has happened.  You can only change how you will deal with it.  Will it break you and keep you stuck in the past?  Or will you embrace the change, accept that it has happened, release the pain, and take a step into this different way of life?

You can fight against change, but it still will happen.  When you experience any type of loss, you need to give yourself permission to grieve what it was.  You grieve the life you had and probably still want.  You grieve who you were in that life.  You also grieve how you felt then and how different it feels now.  You cannot live in the past.  You grieve in each season of life as your body naturally matures.  Your ability is different, and your body lets you know you are not as young as you used to be.

Change is a constant.  It is reframing the situation and gaining a new perspective on life.  Your life has changed.  How you interact with other people feels difficult and even how they respond to you may feel awkward.  This is what life currently is.  People expect you to be the same person even with the change in your life.

With change comes figuring out who you are now that the familiar and normal way of life no longer exists.  To determine who you are now means to believe you matter to yourself and that you can change and embrace this new chapter of life just for you. To embrace change means you open yourself up to going a different path and you accept change as a natural part of your life. 

It is focusing on a daily purpose.  Each day God gives to you a purpose.  Yes, our total life has purpose and meaning, but to embrace your current life, it is focusing on what your purpose is for this day.  Sometimes your purpose is to just rest and be.  It is allowing yourself to be the purpose some days and caring for your personal needs.  Other days, it is looking for a reason for your day.  It may be to bring joy and a smile to another person who is having a tough day.  It may be helping someone in need or visiting and listening to their cares and struggles.

When you have purpose and meaning in your daily life, you can accept the changes because they have brought you to this daily purpose.  Focus on today and not try to figure out everything about your future life.  You do not live in the past or future, you live in the present moment.  Find good and purpose in front of you.  Embrace life and the changes.

Check out my book – Live Different Moments – available at Tea Story in Upper or on Amazon.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Declutter Your Thoughts

Life is complicated from relationships to learning all the features on your new cell phone.  There seem to be unspoken expectations and assumptions that add to this complicated life.  You attempt to follow the unspoken rules of society and try to conform and be accepted.  It becomes work and clutters your mind.

You become hyper-focused on the expectations you assume others have of you.  Your mind obsesses over past conversations.  You wonder if you should not have said anything, or you should have spoken up when you were silent.  You re-play in your head conversations that happened years ago.  You assume the person remembers it too and is still upset at you.  You carry around a lot of stuff in your head.  It swirls around and seems to run on the repeat setting.

When you declutter your house, you start with a drawer, a closet, or a shelf.  One place at a time.  You look at each item to see if it is still useful and valuable to you.  You decide if it is needed or worn out.  You create piles or boxes labeling them – donate, throw away, keep.  The goal is to rid your space of items that you do not use anymore.  Thus, you declutter and simplify your home.  Let’s use this same concept for your thoughts.

You need to ask yourself, “Is that a good memory to keep?  Is it useful in my life?  Or is it something that does not matter anymore?  Can I let go of it?”  It is time to stop rehearsing in your head all the past hurt, wrongs, your mess ups, and what other people said and did years ago.  Forgive yourself and others and release your thoughts.  It is not forgiveness if you keep playing the record of what happened in your head.  Does it really matter today?  You cannot change what happened by keeping the thoughts spinning in your head.  When you find yourself going back to what you have released, put a boundary on them and tell yourself that those thoughts are no longer welcome in your head.  The past is the past.

Also, simplify your thoughts by not living in the future.  Put events and dates of importance on the calendar but not the emotions attached to the event.  Do the necessary planning but do not let your thoughts live in the future.  Pull yourself back to the present by focusing on what is around you now.

Rest your thoughts.  You do not need to keep reminding yourself of the past.  Your thoughts need a rest from the busy clutter of life, too.  Go outside and breathe in the fresh air and look up in the sky.  Give your thoughts a break from the media, your tasks, lists, and problems.  Give your thoughts an emotional break too.

There are a lot of thoughts in your head that have no relevance and are out of your control.  Maybe it is time to put these thoughts in a box and give them away too.  Negative thoughts pull you away from enjoying the life you have in front of you.  Let go of control and allow your thoughts to dwell in the good of life.

Check out my blogs on my website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturt

Living In The Different

Uncomplicate Your Life

There is a gadget for everything, and it is created to supposedly simplify your life. Your phone has an app for banking, buying, driving, exercising, sleeping, and everything in between. Amazon has what you need just a click away and delivered the next day, box after box. Social media contains ads for the latest style and what to drink to make you feel younger and have more energy. It seems every media outlet or podcast has the solution for your life.

The more one gains in possessions, the more they possess you. Material possessions are necessary for day-to-day living. You need clothing, food, a home with necessities. Society encourages the need for the latest, the biggest, the newest and improved, and the more you have the better you will live and feel. It is finding the time to learn and use all these newly acquired items. Do you really need all of them? Is your life so much better or does it feel more overwhelming now with all the latest technology and stuff?

So how do you choose what is right for you? Just because someone else has the fastest and most up to date version, is that important to you? Start with your own values, morals, beliefs, truths, and needs. This is the foundation for your life and helps determine what you choose to put into your life. When you encounter things that do not fit into this foundation, do not put it into your physical space or your head space. Just because other people place value on it, does not mean it has value to you.

Acquiring stuff whether material or emotional can complicate your life and hold you back from enjoying the life in front of you. If something does not give you fulfillment and joy, serves a necessary purpose or has a sentimental value, give it away if it is a material possession. Release it if it has an emotional hold on you that no longer has value.

Simplifying your life in material possessions may be difficult for some of you. The stuff of life has a hold upon you. You enjoy collecting things and having an abundance of what you enjoy. There is nothing wrong with collections as long as they do not control your life and become more important than actually living life. Recognize material possessions have value but do not give purpose and fulfillment.

Define your space and set limits. Define how you choose to live your life and what is important to you. Nobody else can decide for you. It is your choice where you put your focus in life and what you make most important. You are a spiritual being whether or not you have made a commitment to living out your faith. This foundation should influence all areas of your life.

You also have the right to choose who you allow in your physical space and emotional space. You have preferences, and you need to focus on those who are healthy for you and those you feel a responsibility. Live your life based on your priorities not on what others want for you. You were created to live life fully and abundantly, and it is up to you how you define it. Create your own healthy boundaries and limits.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Your View In The Mirror

Do you matter to yourself? You may take care of your family, your friends, and give your best to your job and career. Your value and worth are measured by your accomplishments and performance. How much can you complete each day from your “to do” list? Your faith may be a vital part of your life, but you use the same measurement focusing on earning favor and being a good person.

You put pressure on yourself to be perfect – to do everything just right and not make mistakes. You fear being judged by others if your flaws are exposed. Your value and worth are based on how others perceive you. You seek external validation. It is good to desire that people like, accept, and value you as a person. But if your worth is based on other imperfect and flawed people who are also struggling with their own sense of value, you may not receive the validation you are seeking.

Unfortunately, some people who do not have a sense of worth and self-esteem tend to be negative toward other people seeking to make themselves feel better by focusing on the faults of others. This does not work; it just makes you a negative and belittling person. Tearing someone else down does not make you look better. It makes you lose the respect of others.

Look in the mirror, the mirror of your soul. Look deep down inside yourself. Be kind to yourself. You have value and worth just because you are you. You were created with your own special gifts, talents, abilities, and purpose. Nobody has your uniqueness. Your worth is not just what you do, it is who you are. Liking who you are is not being conceited or prideful. It is humbly living the life you were created to live and being who you were created to be.

Some of you may be looking in the rear-view mirror focusing on who you used to be. This is a new season of life. What you do and who you are now may be different than the last season of life. Also focusing on the past mistakes and failures prevents you from living fully in the present. Learn from the past, forgive yourself, and release the past. It is complete. It is part of who you are, but you do not live there anymore. You live in the present.

Accept who you are and who you are becoming. Everywhere you go, you take yourself with you. Start enjoying your own company. Find activities that bring you joy and a sense of contentment. If you look in the mirror and want to make some changes, start with a plan. Take a risk and do something different. Enjoy just being. Fill your spirit with the wind of peace and your thoughts with good words.

Look at yourself. Do you know what you believe and what is important to you? Do not base it on other people’s views or how you want them to see you. Take the time to ponder who you are, what you believe, and the legacy you want to leave to those who follow you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Getting Lost In the Eggs and the Bunnies

Tomorrow is Easter. Some of you have already gathered as a family to celebrate Easter. You have shared a meal and probably had an Easter egg hunt for the children. Family gatherings are wonderful, stressful, filled with laughter and hugs, strained relationships, and relatives you are not sure you want to claim. Every family is a mixture of love, tolerance, irritating people, and family just being who they are.

You may desire your family and the meal to look like the perfect Hallmark movie. Someone drops their plate of food on the floor and the dog has a feast. Another person says something that offends half the family. Someone eats all the cookies, and one child cries because his cousin found more eggs and did not share them with him. But still, you gather as a family to celebrate. What are you really celebrating?

Sometimes you get lost in the eggs and the bunnies, the family disagreements and who is eating all the candy. You lose the reason for the gathering as a family. You get lost in life sometimes too – what is really important and what is just minutiae. So, what are you celebrating this Easter? Do Easter bunnies really bring eggs? Is the candy important?

Easter to me is about hope and love. God loves us so much that He gave His Son, Jesus, as the sacrifice for our sins. Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday. Easter is Resurrection Sunday – the resurrection of Jesus from the grave. He gives hope that death is defeated, and eternal life is given. Hope is also now; you do not need to live in the guilt of sin. The price has been paid through Jesus’ death. Easter hope confirms that you can live forgiven and live in hope.

You can get lost in what is important in many aspects of life, even in family relationships. It is getting lost in what someone did wrong years ago and not speaking to them now. It is focusing on the negatives and quirks of people and placing a judgment on them. It is getting lost in the differences and the choices of others and not the similarities and the love that binds you together. Families are challenging, but they are still family. Not all family situations are healthy, and you need to place a boundary of protection and distance in some cases. But when possible, it is loving those you regard as family and allowing them to be who they are.

In trying not to offend anyone, the meaning and purpose of Easter may get lost. Easter celebrates that Jesus has risen, and it is the beginning of the Christian faith that Jesus is Lord and Savior. That is what it means to me. I am not afraid to share what is important to me. It is your choice whether to believe and accept Jesus in faith.

It is not letting society define what is significant to you. Define for yourself what is important. Find your foundation and build upon it. It is not getting lost in what does not have meaning and purpose.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Sometimes People Get On Your Last Nerve

“She just tapped into my reserve nerve.” You may have said this or thought this recently. Oh, people can be irritating. Their behavior bugs you, and their quirky ways get on your nerves. You have tried not to let it bother you, but your patience is running on empty. You are attempting to control your temper but are about to tell the person what you really think in not so nice terms. So, would that really be helpful or would it even make a difference?

This is really about how you interact and deal with people. You are allowing other people’s behaviors to control your emotions. You are reacting and absorbing another person and not being the person you are and were created to be. If it is someone you interact with frequently, the person has power over you and is manipulating your emotions. They have gotten to you, and they probably know it, too.

How about a new way of dealing with life? Let’s make a plan. Step into your closet and shut the door or go out in a twenty-acre field and scream, yell, get mad, punch a pillow, kick the dirt, and get it out of you. Now release those feelings. Treat others not how they treat you or act but treat them for who you are. Give them respect and acceptance as a person because that is who you are. You cannot change their behaviors, but you can change how you interact with them and allow them to get on your nerves.

Yes, people can be irritating, annoying, exasperating, and rub you the wrong way. In your head, you may be thinking – “Are you really going to be like that?” It is reminding yourself, “Will it really matter tomorrow or next week what the person just said or did?” Really? Yes, it infuriates you right now, but it will probably not make a real difference in your life tomorrow.

You are aggravated with another person’s lack of consideration. You can be irritating too and try the patience of others if you admit it. The faults of others are evident, and irritation grows when a person does not change even when told what they are doing bothers you. Sometimes, when you share with love and concern, a person will receive your comments as constructive. You want the person to be successful by making changes in behaviors that irritate others and prevent them from being listened to or respected.

Every person has some peculiar habits and expressions. Sometimes, you need to ask the person, “Could you not do that now, please?” Other times you need to accept that it is just who the person is and try not to focus on it. Chill out. Don’t take everything so seriously or that it is about you. Other times you need to know your limitations and walk away. Tell yourself, “I can handle being around that person for an hour, and then I will leave.” Reminding yourself you can step out gives you an alternative way to deal with the situation.

Someone or some situation will irritate you. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Pray. Don’t let it define you or control you. Give yourself time to get over it and release it. Move forward.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Do You Absorb Everything?

Life is like a sponge for some of you. You absorb every emotion, every word, every negative comment, every problem, every hurt, everything. You soak up everything, and it goes deep within you. You feel exhausted because of the weight of the world that you feel within you. Life is heavy and overwhelming for you. At night you collapse into bed feeling drained and weary. You wake up feeling like you never rested, and you start your day fatigued.

So, you begin each day carrying a heavy load of emotions and feelings from others and each situation. You feel everyone dumps their emotional burdens on you, and you just absorb them. Finally, you just explode because you are depleted and worn to a frazzle. You think when you blow up and explode, you are letting it all out. But you are not releasing any baggage, just the emotion of anger. Exploding is just reacting verbally to the weight, but you are still full of everything and overwhelmed. You feel like you are being squeezed out like a sponge and ready to absorb all over again. It hurts.

Absorbing is the same idea of stuffing everything down inside of you. You do not want to upset others or make waves, so you keep it all inside and punish yourself. You may feel you are protecting others by absorbing all their emotions. It is your role. You may feel intimidated by others and not equal in ability or knowledge. You tend to say, “I’m sorry” often to avoid conflict. You apologize for taking up space and air. You think you mess up all the time and are not enough. You stuff and absorb also out of fear that you will not know what to say or how to react in the situation. You fear the negativity or anger of others and try to prevent it by absorbing.

There is another alternative. How about being more like a rock? A rock is firm like a foundation. It does not absorb because everything bounces off a rock. When you are more like a rock, you allow negative words, criticism, and the stuff of life to bounce off you. You do not absorb other people’s emotions and life. You have empathy. You listen and assist as needed, but you do not absorb everything about their life and circumstances. You are not their emotional protector.

When negative comments come toward you, let them bounce off. Remember it is more about the person who said it than about you. You evaluate the comment to see if there is any truth to it and deal with what you need to and release the rest. Just because someone said it does not make it true, nor do you need to accept it and allow it to affect your emotions.

You are a person of worth and value and do not need to apologize for breathing and existing. When a situation occurs and you immediately want to apologize, absorb the feelings or stuff the hurt, take a deep breath, pray, and step into a conversation not a conflict. Ask for clarification. Ask what the need really is. You have worth and equal value. Be more like a rock.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Feeling A Little Stressed?

“I’m stressed.” “Life is so stressful.” You have probably said or heard these statements this week. Stress is a normal reaction to everyday challenges and pressures. Stress is a natural expression, but it can cause physical and mental tension. Your body reacts to the external situations that are adverse and demanding around you. Stress becomes unhealthy when it interferes with day-to-day functioning and everything becomes stressful to you.

There are several causes of stress. One is an excessive expectation of yourself. You demand more from yourself than is possible to give. You pile on more tasks and responsibilities than are feasible to accomplish. Another cause is the excessive expectations placed upon you from others whether perceived or real. You attempt to meet the needs of others that you believe are required. Sometimes you add stress to your own life by taking on the role of “the lone ranger.” You feel you need to do everything yourself, and it begins to pile up and your strength and stamina are depleted. You beat yourself up because you should be able to handle it all and you cannot do it. You look at life through the lens of stress.

So how do you deal with stress and lower your stress level? First, stop naming everything “stressful.” You are causing your own stress. Eliminate the word “stress” from your vocabulary. That does not make stress go away, but it lowers your anxiety and worry about all the tasks and pressures around you. The word alone heightens your senses and places you in an intense emotional turmoil. Next, recognize it is not stress, it is just your life. “It is what it is” becomes your motto. You are not responsible for everything and everyone in life. Remember, break down each task and challenge in smaller pieces. One thing at a time.

Stress sees everything that needs to be done at the same time. Change your focus and ask for help when you need it. Slow yourself down. Take a breath and pray for discernment on what needs to be done next. Set priorities and allow others to share the load. Asking for help does not make you look incompetent. It means you recognize your skill set and some of what you are stressing over does not fit into your gifts and abilities. Find others who have the gift and talent to assist you.

Rest is essential if you are feeling stressed. You have allowed external situations to control your internal thoughts and feelings. You have caused turmoil within you, and you have packaged all of it in the box of stress. Break the box. Do not let stress control your life. Slow down your thoughts. You do not need to solve every life situation immediately or completely. Learn to accept that life has challenges and challenging people. It is just life. Focus on one situation at a time. One moment at a time. Some issues in life are not solvable but are just the way it is. You learn to accept the brokenness of life.

Life has stressful situations. It is not absorbing everything as your issue to solve. Pray and discern your responsibility and learn to let go. Repeat after me, “It is what it is.”

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Will You Be My Friend?

Relationships are wonderful, exhausting, fulfilling, confusing, but needed. Yes, relationships are filled with every feeling and emotion. You desire close friendships with whom you can share and enjoy life together, but sometimes you feel like you are doing all the work in maintaining the relationship. You are the one who always reaches out, makes the plans, and schedules the time together. The other person just shows up or frequently cancels at the last minute. It always seems you are not a priority, and when the person receives a better offer, you are dumped.

Some friendships are for a season. You were friends in elementary school, but now in high school your friendship circle changes. You were friends in college, but now you each have gone in different directions. You were friends cheering together as your children played on the same sports team, but your children no longer play sports. The friendships were based on the situation, but now that season of life is complete as well as the relationship. It is giving thanks for those friendships that were important at the time and releasing them and yourself to the next chapter of life.

Friendships are essential in life. People to share life with through adventures and activities. Friendship fills the heart with love and chases away loneliness. Friendships are developed through mutual interests, shared activities, and common beliefs. They grow through trust and being your genuine and authentic self. You spend time together, care and support one another, you listen and encourage each other, and life is better because of your friendship. This is the goal of friendship.

Friendships can be messy, hard, hurtful, and a struggle to develop and keep. The hurt comes when it is one sided and you get dumped on but receive no support when you are in need. The hurt grows when there is no balance or mutual respect or when you expect a person to always be available to you, but you are not a priority. It is hard when a misunderstanding has occurred, and one person does not want to talk through the issue and resolve it with kindness and forgiveness. Feelings get hurt and one person steps away and never returns to resolve the disagreement. Oh, the struggle to maintain and enjoy friendships.

The reality is that friends disappoint and mess up. One of the keys to maintaining friendships is to forgive. Talk it out. Let it go and move on. Sometimes you need to agree to disagree.

How do you develop friendships as adults? It usually happens in the activities and groups where you are connected. It is being open and talking with those around you. It is being interested in others and also willing to share yourself. It is taking a risk and reaching out. You will not connect with everyone and that is fine but keep trying and expanding your range. Friendships ease the loneliness and sadness when they are healthy and balanced. Enjoy time with others and treasure time alone to reset and refresh your inner spirit.

Be a friend. Be kind. Trust. Set healthy boundaries. Love. Forgive. Listen. Take risks out of your comfort zone to confront your loneliness.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are You Proactive or Reactive?

Something happens and you react. Someone makes you mad, and you quickly respond to them with words that you now regret. You reacted in anger without thinking. Someone pulled out in front of you on the highway and your blood pressure goes up and you say some not so pleasant words. You allowed another person’s actions to control your emotions. You reacted in haste.

To react is to usually respond negatively to something that triggered an emotion. You felt attacked and you became defensive. It may even cause you to panic or raise your level of anxiety. It may affect you physically causing a heaviness on your chest, nausea in your stomach, or difficulty breathing. Your body reacts to the emotional triggers. Your thoughts then go down the negative path that all of life is terrible and everyone is against you. This is your default reaction.

When you are reactive in life situations without thought or plan, you are always in a heightened state of fear, panic, or anxiety. You are just waiting for the next thing to go wrong or for someone to do something that will hurt you. When something happens around you, you take it personally, and you react negatively. Everything is going wrong, and you feel all of life is frustrating and overwhelming. Your reaction is filled with doom and gloom.

How about being proactive with your emotions and thoughts? It is creating a consistent way of dealing with life and the situations that will invariably occur instead of just responding and reacting in the moment without thinking. A simple plan is to learn to step back in each situation. Pause in your head. Slow down and put thought into the situation and in your words. Take a deep breath. Pray. Assess if you actually need to respond. Would a response make the situation better or worse? Does it really matter if you respond? For instance, when someone pulls out in front of you, slow down and pray for them and what is going on in their life. Does it matter if you are three seconds later? You will be healthier and not take your anger out on the next person.

When you are proactive, you stop yourself from saying words that do not reflect who you really are. You carelessly speak in anger or become defensive when you are reactive. In being proactive, you are prepared to say to someone who irritated you or triggered emotions, “Let me think about what you said, and I will get back with you.” You give yourself time and permission to reflect and not react.

Proactive is also reminding yourself you do not need to control each situation or person. You are only in control of your own emotions and responses. It is also being kind. It is responding on social media in kindness. Think before you type a response. You do not need to share your opinion on everything. Sometimes not saying anything is your best response. What if you were proactive in your social media and decided to post only encouraging and kind words? Be kind. It is the best proactive response.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Dealing With Your Past

Everyone has a past. It is filled with memories, experiences, relationships, and challenges. Some of you had traumas, tragedies, and struggles that have left a mark on your life. It is not being defined by these negative events, but it is learning from these experiences and allowing them to be part of your foundation. It is bringing good out of the heartaches.

When the past is still in control of your thoughts, behaviors, and how you react to situations you cannot live fully in the present. Your view of life will be negative, and you will assume bad things will always happen to you. Your perspective is always the worst-case scenario. You go to this place in your thoughts in every situation which increases your anxiety and fear.

When you have experienced a trauma in your life, certain events may trigger memories of the trauma. You may have attempted to escape from these thoughts or pushed the emotions deep down inside of you. The goal is to bring healing and release the negative control of the past. It is not denying it happened but defusing the triggers and the control.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and traumas take time to process through and bring healing and hope. It is helpful to work through these experiences with a trained professional counselor. You can develop some helpful tools to begin processing through your own past. It is learning to replace the negative thoughts with a good memory. For example, if you have lost a loved one, it is focusing not on how they died, but on how they lived. When you remember the events surrounding the death and focus on the loss and hurt, you stay in the pain of the past. While you will always miss them, it is replacing the death thoughts with happy memories and the difference they made in your life. Their love and legacy continue with you in the present and future.

The past does not need to control you. Everyone makes mistakes. You may have guilt and shame because of the choices and decisions you made in your past. Learn to forgive yourself. You are not the same person. You are forgiven and do not need to keep living in the choices you made. Learn from the mistakes and challenges, and try not repeat them. It is also forgiving those who caused the trauma, hurt, and pain of your past. Forgiving them does not make what they did right, but it releases their control over your past and present life.

The past is not all traumas and struggles and pain. The past has good memories and experiences. You remember the relationships and hopefully they bring a smile to your heart. The past is your foundation that has given you your values, morals, and faith. It is allowing the past to be your groundwork into the present.

The past is behind you. It helped you become who you are today. Do not allow the negatives of the past to keep you buried in the struggles. Release the past. It is complete. The good is within you. The love and relationships remain in your heart.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Feeling Discombobulated In Life?

Life sometimes bugs you. People agitate you and you just want to slap them but know it is not the right thing to do, and it would probably cause more trouble. What does it mean to be agitated? The dictionary gives several meanings - flustered, ruffled, perturbed, disturbed, unsettled, bothered, troubled, jittery, and beside oneself. But the one word that jumped off the page was “discombobulated.” Not a word used in daily conversation, but a word that describes the confusion and agitation that comes in many situations.

Discombobulated is a unique word to spell and pronounce. It represents how unique and difficult this journey can be when life does not go as planned. Even as you begin to live in the motto “it is what it is,” new situations occur that trouble you. You feel unsettled as you attempt to figure out this next thing in life. You try to make sense and reason out of things that do not make sense.

When you are discombobulated, you are confused and troubled. You know life will never be the same. The unsettling is more within you. Your soul begins to feel the depth of change, and you long for peace to reside deep within. You are unsure who you are and who you are becoming. You may not even recognize yourself in the mirror or how you are currently existing. Your head knows there is more to life than just existing, but your heart struggles with letting go and releasing the past. You become irritated at others who have the life you desire, but it seems impossible to smooth out this rough patch of life.

You get perturbed and have had to accept some things that will never change in life. Some people in your life will always be the way they are. They irritate you but you still love them. You cannot change other people, and they deal with life in a totally different way than you do. Because your lives intersect, they cause some deep emotional disturbances in you. It is releasing their control over your feelings. People are who they are, and it is not your responsibility to fix them or get them to fit into the boundaries of the life you have set.

This unsettledness seeks calmness and peace. It is changing your focus from the pain and negativity and finding something to be thankful and grateful for and settle your soul. You cannot change your past, but you can accept it happened and release yourself to live in the present. Turn yourself around. Stop focusing on the past. Be grateful for the memories and the foundation. It is grounding yourself in your foundation to give you a footing into the present.

It is accepting it is OK to be who you are and that you are not responsible for everyone’s life. You do not need to be perfect or meet the expectations of others. You begin to settle when you forgive yourself, let go of unrealistic assumptions, and actually live your own life not how society or others want you to live. Let go of being discomboluated and live in the freedom of life.

(You can also read my weekly blogs on my website – www.livinginthedifferent.com)

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Dealing With the Blues, Blahs, Doldrums

Have you felt a little under the weather lately? Not your perky self? Maybe you have had a cough, cold or the flu this season and have not been able to shake the fatigue and feelings from the illness. Or you have experienced some changes in your life and are not sure how to process through them. You are just feeling a little down and overwhelmed.

You may not be depressed, but you have some of those nagging feelings. You are tired and fatigued when you get up in the morning even though you are getting enough sleep. Your body is reacting to the emotions and feelings within it causing an overall blah feeling. Your body and mind are not slowing down enough to relax and enjoy the physical rest. You may feel like nothing will ever change, and you do not see a way out of your current situation. This is a sign of hopelessness that can pervade all of life. You lack the energy and motivation to make the necessary changes and feel like everyone and everything irritates you. It seems easier to withdraw from life right now.

I get it. Life feels overwhelming. You have piled everything on top of each other like a sink full of dirty dishes, and it is easier to walk by them than to plunge into them. You just don’t know where to start. You see what you need to do and you want to do it, but you just do not know where to start. First step. Separate situations and feelings from each other. When you lump everything together, that’s where the overwhelming feelings begin. Allow each situation in your life to stand alone.

Do not connect what you forgot to do with what you are doing next and then get irritated at someone else. They had nothing to do with what you forgot. When you keep adding up everything that goes wrong each day and keep carrying it, you make yourself tired, irritated, and overwhelmed with all that needs to be done right. Allow each situation and the feelings that go with it to be completed within the situation. Do not take your frustration out on someone else. Take a moment with each event, conversation, situation, or emotion and complete it. It is that self-talk/God talk that is essential – “Well, that happened. Can’t change it. I learned from it. I can release it. Move on.”

Within tasks that seem overwhelming to complete, it is focusing on the “one and done” concept. Focus your mind and thoughts on completing one task. Break it down into small portions and complete one portion at a time. “One and done.” When you see an achievement, it can motivate you to complete the next step.

Depression sees everything that needs to be done but does not have the energy to do anything. When you see everything at once, it is impossible to do anything. That is what creates the overwhelming feelings. So, focus on one small task, one aspect of the situation. Separate from the big picture. Begin with small daily purposes. Find something each day that brings a smile for a moment. This brings the glimmer of hope and helps you to begin releasing the blues.

(My book, Live Different Moments may help you take some more steps. Available at Tea Story in Upper)

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Noises In Your Head

Right now, what are you thinking? Yes, you are reading these words, but for some of you, dozens of thoughts are swirling around in your head even as you are reading this column. Your thoughts become more rapid and intense when you lay down at night to go to sleep. You cannot shut off your brain. Thoughts control your behavior and response to situations. Anxiety is escalated with all these ideas and perceptions that grow and spin around in your head. All these thoughts can be exhausting and overwhelming.

Most of these thoughts are not rational but are created out of fear and worry. Logically, you know that nothing good comes from worry, but your thoughts are chaotic without focus or understanding. Worry divides the mind. It splits your thoughts between today and the future, so it becomes difficult to live fully in the present moment and not be controlled by your intruding thoughts.

Thoughts. Your brain was created to think, process, and evaluate these thoughts, but sometimes the brain gets stuck and ruminates on certain thoughts. You feel like your thoughts are on a merry-go-round and you dwell on these repetitive ideas. You can get lost in a thought and go down a path that is negative and destructive. Your thoughts create worry, anxiety, and fear without cause or reason. Anxiety is created as you attempt to control each thought.

Thought blocking or capturing the thought is the goal. One way is to begin a random thought journal and write down these fragments that are controlling your head. When you name them and make them real, you become aware of where your mind goes and what you are worrying about. Then ask yourself, “Can I do anything about the situation? Does worry help?” Begin to use self-talk/God talk to release the thought. Then when the thought comes to your mind again, remind yourself you have released the thought, and it no longer has control over you. You just captured the thought and its control. You have put a boundary and are not letting the thought live rent free in your head space anymore.

Ask yourself, “Does the thought contradict my values, principles, or faith?” If it does, speak against the thought. Say no to having the thought even in your head. Capture it and put a roadblock in your head so that you are not traveling down that road again. Then focus on what is around you. Use your coping skills to change your focus and thought pattern. Think of good things in front of you. Pray and give it to God. Change directions in your head to the truth and what is good.

When your brain will not slow down all these thoughts, try focusing on something in front of you. Complete a task, begin singing a praise song, recite a scripture, breathe in and out slowly, go outside and look up, change your environment and focus. Do not give the negative thoughts power. Begin to focus on what is good and positive and not allow the negativity to deplete your energy and joy.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Are you trying to please everybody?

Do you have difficulty saying no? Do you try to make everyone happy but end up unhappy yourself? Is your worth found in what others think of you? Are you overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like everything you do is not enough? You want everyone to get along and feel it is your responsibility. If there is conflict, you feel it is your fault because you should have made the situation better. If your answer is yes to these questions, you might be a people pleaser.

While there is nothing wrong in wanting others to be happy and enjoy life, it is not your responsibility to provide happiness for everyone. Each person is accountable for their own lives and how they choose to live them. You have value and worth as a person. You were created in the image of Our Creator which makes you valuable. It is loving who you are and not basing your worth on the validation of others.

Say yes to the things you want and need to do. Say no to what you don’t want but others want you to do because it is not your responsibility. Recognize your role and responsibility in each situation and with each encounter. Literally ask yourself, “Is this my responsibility?” Take the time to ponder this question and not just assume because someone asks or you see the need, that it is your purpose. Ask yourself in each relationship, “What is my role?” Sometimes, you are the listener – the one others vent and share with, but you are not the one to provide ways to fix or help. Other times, your role is the encourager, and the one to ask questions to help another figure out the situation. Sometimes it is your responsibility.

For me to understand a concept, I need to see it and create a picture in my head. So, let’s create a picture of how to overcome being a people pleaser. First, you set boundaries. That is, you decide what you do for others and how much you let them control you. When you make the choice, it is not control. Everyone lives in his/her own box. You set a boundary when you visit the box and what you do when you are in the box. For instance, you step into their box or world. You enjoy the moments with them. You decide when to step out. You do not change anything in the box. You make the choice when you are in the box what you do with them and for them. You respect who they are, and you value yourself because you give yourself permission to step in and step out. You are not responsible for the person’s box or life.

As you acknowledge your value and worth, you choose when to care for the needs of others. This is sacrificial love and kindness at work in your life. You put the needs of others first not because your value and worth comes from them. You care about others because of your own values and principles and faith.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Respond to Conflict with Time, Space, Grace

We live in a reactive society where disagreements create separation of family and established friendships. We respond with hostility and words of anger and negativity. Immediately we become defensive and retaliate against the person who has a different view or opinion. We are impulsive and make a quick decision based on our current emotion. A tense situation has been created. We are uncomfortable, and we choose a fight or flight mode. That is, we explode or run away.

What I just described has become normal life for many of you in a variety of relationships and situations. Normal does not make it healthy. Some of your relationships may have become more tense, strained, and you fear they could become explosive. Your desire may be to find a healthy balance and acceptance in your interactions. Let’s try the “Time – Space – Grace” way of dealing with conflicts in relationships.

First, Time. Give yourself time to cool down, reflect on what happened, and determine what you really want and need. Give yourself time to heal from the wound you experienced in the encounter. Give the other person(s) time to slow down and hopefully give thought to their actions. In your time, pray and use self-talk to work through your feelings and why this situation affected you so deeply.

Give Space. Sometimes trying to fix the situation immediately is not the healthiest way because it does not deal with the real issues that caused the situation. You need space away from the emotions to process what was going on inside of you, and to ask yourself does the incident really make a difference in your life? What seemed so vital and important no longer is when you give yourself some space. Space gives you a different perspective. Listen to your heart.

Give Grace. Forgiveness usually does not come immediately in situations that hurt deeply. It takes time. Forgiveness comes from the heart not just a quick “I’m sorry.” Because you are forgiven, you can forgive others. Faith assures you that God forgives and does not hold anything against you. Forgiveness does not make what happened right, it just releases you from the control of the person and situation. Forgiveness gives you the power to not live in the past, not live in guilt, and release the hurt. Grace allows you to let go and not hold on to hurts.

So, life happens. You are hurt by the actions or words of another person. Step away. Give yourself time to reflect and determine the value of the relationship and your reaction. Give yourself space to heal and time away from the person to deal with the emotions that came to the surface. Then give grace to yourself and others. Forgiveness also means letting go of the hurt. Sometimes it is just accepting the person for who he/she is. It is not excusing the person’s actions, but it is not being the judge. It is not your responsibility to work through their emotions. Focus on what you need to do to be healthy and not absorb or try to fix others.

Time. Space. Grace.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Don't neglect caring for Yourself

As we take steps to live in this different life, the one aspect we tend to neglect is our own self-care. We face the situation and provide for the needs of others but forsake our own needs. So, today we are going to focus on steps to becoming healthier as you deal with changes and new seasons of life. Even the basics are difficult at times especially in the cold winter months.

First, get out of bed and put your feet on the floor. Today, take one step at a time. Make your bed. It allows you to complete your sleep and a task at the same time. You did something already today and made your space healthier. Great job.

Next, refresh your physical body with a shower, bath, or washing off. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Clean off the night and make yourself fresh every morning so you can face the day. Your physical body needs fuel and hydration. Nourish your body with something healthy and simple. Keep your body hydrated with water and other healthy fluids. Hydration keeps you more focused and replenishes the fluid from your tears and waters your emotions.

Any type of physical movement is needed to keep your body functioning and releases emotions. It is not about a major exercise program, but movement of your body whether it is walking or sitting in a chair and moving whatever part of your body that can move.

The world is loud with so much chatter wanting your attention. Self-care includes quiet moments. Moments where you turn off everything around you, even your thoughts and slowly ground yourself in the One who is greater than yourself. Even if your faith is lacking or you feel you have no faith, give yourself some quiet moments to center your spiritual self. Pray.

Step outside and take a breath of fresh air no matter how hot or cold. Your lungs need outside air to refresh and renew your spirit within. While you are outside, look up. Look at the sky, the trees, the birds. You need to see something that is not made with human hands. When you get low enough in life, you have to look up. Looking up can bring a sense of peace and quiet within your soul.

Interact with a living creature. This could be another person, a pet, nature, or even a house plant. Take a moment to embrace connecting with something outside of yourself. While this may seem counterproductive in self-care, it is a reminder you have value and worth and the ability to connect.

Give yourself permission. Yes, permission to cry, be sad, laugh, do something, do nothing for moments. Self-care is admitting how you feel and allowing yourself to feel that way for a period of time. It is telling yourself, “I’m going to feel sorry for myself for 15 minutes and allow those feelings to be expressed.” Then release them and move forward. When you give yourself permission, you do not live in guilt for feeling a certain way or for not doing anything. You feel it, enjoy the down time, and then move forward. You have worth and appreciate who you are.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different