Gaining Control of Anger

Anger is a quick reactive emotion.  It is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.  Anger can be milder and described as irritation or being displeased, but it can become intense with rage, temper, and wrath.  There are a wide range of emotions categorized under the name of anger.  You can be irked, exasperated, infuriated, peeved, ticked off.

Anger is usually triggered by feeling you were treated unfairly, wronged, threatened, insulted, or not recognized nor heard.  Anger is a physical emotion that is usually expressed in a loud voice, racing heart, elevated blood pressure and a flushed face.  It is recognizable in a person.  Your body becomes tense and is prepared to fight.  Mentally, a person is hyper-focused on what or who has caused the feelings of anger.  You react and want to immediately do something about the cause of the anger.

Anger is not always wrong.  Anger can be a response to injustice or someone being wronged.   It is channeling anger for good, that is, to make a difference in the unjust situation.  Underlying anger are other emotions like fear, hurt, shame, and frustration.  One can become angry when you feel helpless to change a situation.  Anger comes out in relationships when you feel disappointed, used, or ignored.  Sometimes a person reacts with anger to project their own guilt and shame onto another person.  Anger comes out when needs and expectations are not met.  For some people, anger is a result of grief and sadness.

Now that some aspects of anger have been defined, how do you control anger and not allow anger to control you and your relationships?  Anger can alienate you because of your explosiveness.  People choose not to be around others who are always angry and never know when the anger will come out. 

Anger is a physical emotion, so it needs to be released physically.  It is trying to walk away from a situation before the anger takes control.  It is also not stuffing it down inside which will cause other physical problems and not knowing when you will blow up because you have stuffed so much down inside.  Usually, you blow up at the simplest of things which do not merit the intensity of the explosion.

Take time to speak out loud your anger – talk it out or pray it out.  Name it.  Once you name it, the power of the cause of anger is defused.  When you walk away, the situation does not control your thoughts and attention.  Take some deep breaths and calm your body and mind.  Focus on what caused your anger and why you felt angry.  Name anything that may have triggered it.

Next ask yourself, “Will it matter tomorrow?”  “Am I being selfish?”  “Do I have any control or power to change it?”  “What is my role and responsibility?”  If you need to have a conversation with a person that caused or triggered your anger, first write down what you want to say.  This will slow you down and help you choose the words so as not to make the other person defensive or you becoming accusatory. Write down how the person and situation made you feel and possible solutions.

Then let it go.  You may need to punch a pillow or punching bag, run, workout or do something physical to release the built-up anger inside of you.  Do not hold on to anger because it will turn into bitterness and hatred and lead to destructive behaviors.  Deal with the cause and release it. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com

Don't Believe Everything You Think

This phrase – “Don’t Believe Everything You Think” was on a sign beside a church in town.  Your thoughts can be all over the place.  Some are true while others are based on your fears, anxieties, what ifs, and what you create in your head from what you have seen and heard.  Thoughts can be quick, or they can linger in your head.  You can ruminate on them or quickly dismiss them as meaningless.  It is your choice.

It is learning to process your thoughts and discern what is true and what has wondered into your head that is just random.  Some thoughts are fleeting thoughts that need to just run right out of your head and never return.  Some thoughts are wild and crazy so just laugh at them and release them.

Sometimes your thoughts are focused on what you did wrong in the past and are filled with shame, guilt, and regret.  Your thoughts keep telling you that you are worthless, not good enough, and nobody wants to be around you or even cares about you.  The thoughts of what you did in the past may be true, but do not believe that your thoughts have to stay there.  Forgive yourself and change your thought focus to who you are becoming.  Yes, that was you, but do not believe your thoughts that you cannot change and move forward.  Do not define yourself by your negative thoughts.

You think nobody cares.  You think nobody likes you, and everybody is talking about you.  The reality is people are more focused on themselves than on you.  Your thoughts are miscommunicating with reality.  When you see someone and they give you a strange look, your thoughts assume they are judging you.  Your thoughts can create quite a story and make you believe it is true.

Learn to stop your thoughts before they start to control your actions and behaviors.  When a thought comes into your mind, quickly evaluate it.  Does it have purpose and value and is it positive, or is it negative and pulls you down?  Release the negative thoughts by telling yourself there is no room in your head for negativity and give them to God.  Center yourself on what is good and healthy not just in your eating, reading, watching but in your thinking.

When your thoughts go down the “rabbit hole” of fear and create scenarios of what could happen, you begin to believe the thoughts and work yourself up with anxiety and fear.  Stop blocking is a way to stop your thoughts.  Picture in your head an actual “road closed” sign.  You cannot go down this thought road.  So, you stop your thoughts before you begin to develop them into a full situation that has not and probably will not actually happen.

Begin your day with positive words that comes from Scripture, a book, or positive statements you found on Facebook or Pinterest.  When those negative thoughts come into your head – speak these positive words to dispel and stop the direction of your thoughts.

Remind yourself what is true.  You are forgiven and loved.  Remind yourself what you are assuming in your head has no evidence of being true.  Learn to stop your thoughts by bringing yourself into the present moment and not letting your thoughts run free down an unknown road.  Talk to yourself.  Do a physical task to change your focus.  Sing or listen to a song to give your thoughts a different beat.

Thoughts can come randomly into your head.  You have control on where you linger and what you dismiss and release.  Your thoughts control your behavior and attitude.  Think about what is good, right and true.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar “Living Life Forward” at Trinity Evangelical Church on Saturday, March 21st from 9 am to 12 pm. Mark your calendars now.  It is free.  Just call the church to register.

Are You Feeling Mentally Exhausted?

The holidays are over, and a new year has begun.  Are you beginning the year exhausted, not just physically but mentally as well?  Exhaustion comes physically from using your body past its limits and not resting or taking breaks from your vigorous schedule.  The body will tell you that you have overworked it, and if you do not rest, the body will make you physically sick to force the rest.

But mental exhaustion is not seen nor easily recognized.  It will make your body tired, too.  Mental exhaustion is caused by a variety of factors.  One of the reasons is taking on responsibilities and roles that are not yours nor having the gifts or abilities to do them.  You use more mental energy trying to figure things out.  The way to deal with this type of exhaustion is to ask for help and find people who have the ability to walk with you through it.

When you live in the expectations of others and always try to please everyone you will become mentally exhausted.  The expectations will be impossible to meet, and you live your life how others want you to live.  You are never yourself nor do you take care of yourself and your needs.  In this new year, begin to release other people’s control on your mental health.  Accept people for who they are and set boundaries of what you will do and not do.  Do not assume you have to make everyone else happy at your own expense.  Be realistic about what you can do.  You are not defined by someone’s perspective or view.  You are defined by who you were created to be. 

Be you.  Live your life with boundaries.  You do not need to absorb other people and their emotions.  You were not created to fix other people.  Do not allow others to control you with their expectations.

Another way to release mental exhaustion is letting go of making excuses and trying to explain.  Your thoughts are in overdrive trying to create these excuses and explain why you cannot do something.  You become exhausted going over and over in your head whether the excuse will be accepted and does it sound valid.  Just state the facts and simplify your thoughts.  If you do not want to do something, you do not need to make an excuse or come up with an acceptable excuse.  Just say “no.”  Then release yourself from any guilt.

You may be exhausted from the guilt you have placed on yourself for not doing everything you expect yourself to do.  You are putting a load on yourself you were never meant to carry.  Ask for help when you need it.  Release things out of your control.  It is not your job to save the world.

Another cause for exhaustion is your anxiety and fear.  You worry about what could happen, how others perceive you, if you did enough, what you should have said, and a million other worries.  Your thoughts never stop, and you wake up in the night wondering if you did enough.  You may not be sleeping well, which adds to the physical and mental exhaustion.  Your brain needs rest.

Make yourself and your mental health a priority in this new year.  Release what is not your responsibility.  Live within realistic expectations of yourself.  Ask for help when the load becomes too heavy.  Pray and discern what is really important.  Your value is not in doing more.  Your value and worth is being the best you that you were created to be.  Give yourself rest physically and mentally.  Find ways to relax your thoughts. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com

Choose Your Attitude

“Do you need an attitude adjustment?”  “You sure have an attitude today.”  “Watch that attitude.”  You may have said these statements, or someone may have spoken them to you.  Attitude is a way of thinking or feeling that reflects a person’s behavior.  Your attitude is expressed in how you react to a situation and what you are inclined to do.  It is based on how you see life, your values, and your point of view.

Attitudes are either negative or positive and are usually expressed in some type of body language or non-verbal movement such as eye rolling or a laugh and smile.  Attitude is a choice.  You choose how you view life and how you react to situations and people.

Attitude reflects your outlook on life.  Some people see themselves as victims and life is out to get them.  Nothing goes right or is ever good, and everyone is against them.  If this is you, then your predominate attitude will be negative, reactive, and you see no joy or hope in life.  While the circumstances in life may not have been entirely your choice, it is a choice how you act and behave.

If your attitude is more positive and upbeat, you do not let the circumstances of life control you.  You choose joy and look for the good in life and in other people.  You do not live in a fantasy world or ignore reality; it is that you just choose how you react and deal with what life gives you.  You choose joy as an attitude and do not let situations and people control you.

As the new year begins, this is a good time to make different choices.  Yes, resolutions and goals are usually made and quickly broken in the new year.  What if this year, you choose to adjust your attitude and outlook toward life?  You decide to choose not to be reactive but more proactive in dealing with situations.  Reactive is usually a quick response to something that frustrated you and triggered a negative response in words or actions.  To be proactive is to first admit that there are people and situations you allow to affect your attitude and behavior.  You acknowledge it and not deny your feelings.  And then you make a plan to change how you deal with the inevitable situations.

Learn to pause, take a deep breath, and say a short prayer before responding.  When dealing with people, it is accepting people for who they are and not giving them power and control over your attitude.  Do not throw more negativity on an already negative person.  When you choose to respond differently, you change the only thing you can change – your attitude and behavior.  You may not change the other person, but you did not add to the drama.

When you find yourself in a situation not of your own choosing or have to interact with people you prefer not to be with but are required to, be proactive and decide to change your mood, grumbling, and resentment.  Choose to find something good.  Choose to interact with joy.  Choose a person to talk with and ask them questions about things the person is interested in.  Give yourself a purpose and focus other than having an attitude and being miserable.

You have power to change how you react and interact.  Choose to find good in situations and keep your attitude in check.  Being positive and finding good makes life much more pleasant for you and those around you.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Elaine will be leading a seminar “Living Life Forward” on Saturday, March 21st at Trinity Evangelical Church in Upper beginning at 9 AM.  Mark your calendars now.  More information to follow.

Word for the Year

As the new year approaches, take time to reflect on this year – vacations, accomplishments, family additions, loss of loved ones, difficulties, and challenges.  It is good to pause and think about the year and even write down some of the highlights and changes.  It is being grateful for the blessings and to give thanks you have made it through another year.  The year has mingled joys and sorrows and has been filled with days of struggles and days of growth and laughter.  You are also filled with a mixture of emotions and anticipation of what the new year will bring.

For those of you who have lost a loved one this year, I am so sorry for your loss.  The new year brings another intense moment of grief as you realize this will be the first year without your loved one.  Life is different, and the new year will come with loneliness, sadness, and emptiness without your loved one.  It is knowing life will be different and learning how to live in this different life, knowing the love from your loved one is part of your foundation.

The new year is usually a time of setting goals and resolutions to be accomplished in the year.  This can be overwhelming when you attempt to make changes that you know should happen, but you also know how difficult it is to follow through with the resolutions.  In the past you may have failed within days of the new year and quit trying.  Anxiety and depression therefore can be related to writing resolutions and failing so quickly.

How about a new approach this year?  Choose a word for 2026.  A word that will keep you focused on your goals and direction for life.  It is a word that can challenge you to grow and develop in your personal life and in your faith.  Your word can help guide you in making decisions and choices in the year.  It also can assist you in choosing what you read, listen to and what you put into your life because your choices focus on your word.  For example, over the past few years, here are some of the words I have chosen – Different, Light, Simplify, Adventure, Surrender, Peace, Listen, Discern. 

You are now thinking, “How do I find my word?”  Ask yourself, “What am I seeking in my life?”  “What do I need in my life?”  When you sit and ponder life, where is your focus?  It is seeking peace and contentment in life and working toward fulfilling that goal.  Choosing a word also simplifies your focus.  Just one word.  Pray about the direction for your life and a word that will guide you.

Once you choose your word, look up the definition.  You can even google the definition or actually use a dictionary.  Then find Bible verses and positive statements written using your word.  You could keep a journal of your findings and write how the word is helping you define your life and growth forward in life.

While resolutions and goals are great, they can also overwhelm and cause guilt when you fail to meet your own expectations.  Simplify your life with a word or phrase that can be your guide.  Allow your faith to guide you in your choice and how you live out your word.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com

The Tune of Your Spirit

Music is the universal language, and it touches your soul.  You hear a tune, and you immediately know the song even if it is sung in a different language.  Christmas music has a spirit all its own.  It brings back memories and events from your past.  It touches deep within the heart and reaches the inner child.  You sing with the music either out loud or in your head sometimes without realizing it.

You may be tired of the Christmas carols that have been playing since November 1st.  Sometimes you just tune them out without truly listening to the words of hope, joy, peace, and love found in the songs of Christmas that tell the meaning of the season.  God so loved the world, that He came in the form of a baby to be the Savior of the world.

What is the tune of your spirit this Christmas?  A tune is a melody or theme – it is what is inside of you that guides you.  To be in tune is to make an adjustment.  Is your attitude and outlook one of negativity with a “humbug” spirit for Christmas?  You just want the season to be over and have no desire to celebrate with family.  These feelings may come from loss and sadness in your life.  It may come from not enjoying life, or you financially do not have the ability to give what you think is required of you or even what you want to give.  You see the joy of others and feel none of it within you.  You feel out of tune with your own spirit.

This may mean you have lost focus.  The Christmas season has lost focus in society.  Christmas is about giving – not all the material stuff – Christmas is about God giving His Son, Jesus, to be the Savior of the world.  God comes among us to be the perfect sacrifice for the redemption of sin.  The Spirit of Christmas is in the songs that share this story of love and grace.

So how does your Christmas spirit get in tune?  It is adjusting what Christmas means to you.  It is time to simplify not compete and fall into the trap of overspending and believing you can buy happiness.  By the end of the day, no Christmas present really satisfies and fills your spirit with lasting joy.

The joy comes not in circumstances and possessions or anything tangible, but it comes in being content and loved.  Joy comes in the simple pleasures of life like being with those you love and receiving the love that comes down at Christmas in Jesus.

Maybe it is time to really listen to the words of those Christmas songs that are in your head – “Joy to the word, the Lord is come!”  “Hark! The herald angels sing, “Glory to the new born King.” “Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright round yon virgin mother and child.” “O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.”

Adjust your focus and simplify your spirit.  Focus on enjoying the moments.  Sing the Christmas songs and listen to the words.  Turn off the TV and sit with your loved ones around the tree and read the Christmas story and share memories.  Look at the lights around town.  Go to Christmas Eve worship.  Your focus need not be on all the stuff and tasks and expectations that get your spirit out of tune.  Tune your spirit to the love that came down at Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com

Hallmark or Christmas Vacation Family?

There are no perfect families.  Even Hallmark movies have a conflict written into the script, but it is resolved by the end of the movie.  Not all situations work out that quickly.  It is not living in unrealistic expectations but an acceptance for who your family is.  You cannot change people.  You can only encourage and sometimes challenge them to try something different.  You can also pray for them.

As a family, focus on your common ground - you have gathered to celebrate the season and to acknowledge you are family.  When you get together, you admit that you are related.  You have differences, but you have a connection.  It is learning to communicate and not just assuming someone will be negative or reactive.  Get to know your family for who they are, not who you think they are or want them to be.

Acceptance is key.  It is loving a person for who they are and encouraging them to be all God created them to be.  It is forgiving and not living in the past mistakes and hurts.  You cannot change what happened, but you can choose not to keep bringing it up.  Sometimes it is also accepting that a family member has not changed or even wants to change and putting a healthy boundary for yourself.

You may not like the tattoo, the haircut, or the clothes.  You may disagree politically or spiritually and have different tastes in music and cars.  But you are family and are attempting to be together during this holiday season.  It is being willing to listen without judgment, ask questions to learn more about why your family member has the tattoo and believes what they believe.  It is being willing to share and listen and to even agree to disagree.

It is finding things to enjoy together.  Focus on the simple things of life.  Play a game, put together a puzzle, take a walk, look at the clouds, and hundreds of other simple things that will connect you and help you enjoy the present moment with a family member.

Don’t compare your family to other families.  Your family will be different.  You only see the outward appearance of other families, and you know the depth of your family and what is hidden from the public. 

Enjoy the moments with your family.  Find family members that you connect with and spend time with them.  Be grateful for the gift of family.  They may not be who you want them to be, but they are yours.  Family does not have to be blood related either.  Family are the people you choose to share life with and who love you for who you are and accept your faults and forgive you when you mess up.

Merry Christmas!  Celebrate! Jesus Christ is born.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

www.livinginthedifferent.com

Step In Step Out

In the holiday season, there are more social events and times to be with people from the community, your co-workers, and family.  People tend to come together to celebrate the season who usually do not interact socially.  Some of you enjoy these gatherings and thrive on conversation and crowds.  Others of you dread this time of year and would prefer the comfort of your home and a good Hallmark movie.

Either way, this time of year brings people together to celebrate.  Let’s refine our communication skills and our purpose in our interactions.  First, for all the extroverts – it is not all about you nor is it your role to fix everyone and share your words of wisdom on every subject.  For you introverts, to prevent people from asking you questions, ask the questions first.  Prepare in your head a few questions and let the extroverts talk.  You get to listen and smile.

 Both social and not so social people can use the “step in step out” way of being involved.  You “step in” to the event or gathering and be totally present in the moment.  You do not bring with you past experiences or fears.  You accept people for who they are in the moment with no agenda to fix them or avoid them.  You listen, share if you desire.  Participate in the activities as an adventure.  Then you “step out.”  You release the people and complete the event.  You give thanks for the moment.

For those of you in the midst of grief and loss, this is a tool to assist you in situations that seem too difficult to maneuver at this time.  You know you need to participate, but it seems too overwhelming.  First, you tell yourself that you will step in for a period of time and you set the time frame - maybe a half hour or an hour.  You observe, listen, respond with brief statements and then step out.  You need not share how you are doing with people who care but your grief is not their focus.  You do not need to absorb their lives or lack of understanding.

Anxiety may tell you that this is impossible to do.  Anxiety focuses on what could happen or go wrong and builds as it works through all the possibilities.  Step in is only focused on the moment and you are not responsible for anyone else or how they react.  That is just who they are today. When you step in, your focus is where you currently are, and you do not need to bring anything with you emotionally.  You pause those feelings and fears, and you experience the present moment.  Step out gives you permission to leave so your anxiety has no fear of what to do next.  You just step out.

You can do this with conversations too.  You step in and talk and when you do not want to answer questions, you step out of that direction of the conversation and redirect it yourself.  Or you totally step out and defer to someone else.  Do not give people power over what you share.  It is your choice.

Step in Step out gives you permission to enjoy events and celebrations with no long-term commitment both physically and mentally.  You just take in the moment without past fears or future worries.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

How to Listen with Grace

When someone tells you something you already know, how do you respond?  Do you say, “Yes, I already knew that.  You don’t have to tell me again.”  You immediately express your knowledge and are quick to let the other person know your superiority.  Your focus is on yourself and your ability to remember and be in the know.  You do not want someone else to be smarter than you.  You put down the other person or quickly shut them down.

Let’s change the response to being more positive.  “Thank you for telling me.”  Or “Yes, that’s interesting.”  You give the person the joy of sharing their information and knowledge.  You keep to yourself what you already know, and you allow the other person to feel good about sharing with you.

Are you quick to let another person know that they have shared the story with you previously and you do not want to hear it again?  “Yes, you already told me that.”  The person continues telling you even though you have acknowledged that this is repetitive.  You become irritated and annoyed.  You do not want to hear the story again.  Let’s take a different approach.  It is giving the person grace.  Memory issues may be involved, or the person just enjoys the story and the memory.  It may define who the person is and what life used to be.

 When you were younger, you may have been quick to discount your parents and grandparents telling stories from their childhood.  You thought they were old and outdated stories.  Now you wish you would have listened to and remembered those stories.  You have an opportunity to listen differently now.  Look for the value in what a person says.  A person’s words and stories reveal who they are, what is important to them, and the value they place on their past and their relationships.

Let’s go back to how you deal with someone who continually repeats stories and only talks about themselves.  It may be a person in your family, your spouse, a dear friend, someone with whom you share life.  You cannot walk away from them.  The person has not changed in all your interactions with them.  You may have tried to share your similar experience only to have them go back to their story and not acknowledge what you shared.  Before you get angry and upset at them, try a different approach.

Give grace.  Listen and ask them questions about what they are sharing.  Engage yourself into the story.  Then in your head tell your own memory or experience that was triggered by their sharing.  It is a self-talk or God-talk your way through.  This way your story is not discarded by anyone, but you have the joy of remembering it and sharing it with God who always cares.  You can smile and the other person thinks their story brought the happiness. 

This is not a way to ignore the other person but a way to deal with the repetitive stories and the self-centeredness of another person.  You know the person will not listen to your version so why get hurt by them.  Share it within your heart and relive your own memory. 

Check out Elaine’s books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com.  Great Christmas gifts.  Also available at Tea Story in Upper.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Attitude of Gratitude

This is the season of Thanksgiving.  It is a time to give thanks for the blessings of life, and a time to gather with friends and family. Thanksgiving is filled with food, family, and football.  But in reality, it is a time to pause and reflect on your attitude and outlook on life.  Is your attitude one of being grateful for the blessings, the struggles, and the gift of life?

Yes, being grateful is a choice.  It is giving thanks in all circumstances and finding good even in the tough struggles of life.  It is recognizing there is good in life and acknowledging the source of goodness.  Your attitude defines how you see life and if you see the good.  An attitude of gratitude means you have an appreciation for the simple things of life and being kind is your motto. 

Some people have an attitude, right?  They are sarcastic and make comments that put other people down.  They react and get upset at the most trivial things and feel slighted if they are not consulted or the focus.  Their sense of gratitude is having everything given to them whether material possessions or attention.  When asked what they are thankful for, they begin to tell you their problems and are negative with a focus on what they do not have and need.  They are not who you want to sit beside at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

An attitude of gratitude involves your beliefs, your convictions, your perspective and point of view on life.  Your attitude is the way you think and feel which is expressed in your behavior.  Gratitude is a positive outlook on the blessings of life.  It is not just a feeling, but it is how you respond to life. 

The world is negative and focused on worldly possessions, believing the more you have and the more popular you are, the better life will be.  This does not make you grateful but hateful and fearful.  You always are trying to accumulate more to find happiness.  You rarely are grateful because it is never enough.

It is time to retrain the brain to have an attitude of gratitude.  It is being grateful for what you have and not focused on what you do not have.  It is seeing the good in a world of evil and hate and brokenness.  It is daily being thankful that you woke up, you are alive, you have resources to live, you have breath, you are loved, and that God is good and that God cares about you.

Your attitude is known through your behavior.  It is changing how you express yourself and what you do so that being grateful shines through to others.  It is a change of heart and change of focus.  There are ways to live out this attitude of gratitude in your daily life.  Be kind to others.  Kindness goes a long way.  You do not need to say everything you think or condemn another person for their different beliefs or different way of life.  It is being kind and respectful.  It is saying “thank you” to others and to God.  You are blessed.  It is giving to others from these blessings.  Give at your church, to organizations that are helping others, put food in the blessing boxes around town, visit people in nursing homes and who are home alone.  The list is endless in how you can give to others.  When you are grateful for what you have, you will want to share with others.  Being grateful and focusing on giving to others helps your depression and anxiety.  It changes your focus from yourself to others.

Be thankful for the simple things of life too. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

It Does Not Really Matter to Me

“What do you want for dinner?”  “I don’t care.”  “What restaurant do you want to go to?”  “It doesn’t matter to me.”  “Do you want to go for a walk now.”  “I don’t know.”

You have had these types of conversations.  It may sound like a person is indecisive and defers to the other person to make the decision.  Deferring can mean that you value and accept the other person's decisions, and you usually agree with them.  It may also mean that you have no preferences and would rather let someone else make the decision.  It may also mean that you do not want to make the other person upset and cause any conflict.

Sometimes it can be frustrating if you never express your preferences and always say it does not matter to you.  Does it really matter?  It may not matter when it comes to food choices, but it may matter in other decisions in life.  If you allow others to decide for you, you cannot complain about their choice.  You were given the opportunity to choose, but you did not take it.

Maybe it is being more concise in your response.  Today you may not have a preference, but you may on another occasion.  So, respond, “Today, I have no preference.  Go ahead and make the decision on this one.”  You are living in the present and expressing that right now you have no preference, but it is not how every future choice will be.

It is being aware of your phrase usage.  The phrase – “I don’t care” – assumes you do not care about the person or being with them.  Yes, someone may take it to this extreme.  What you assume in your head to be a polite way of being nice and letting the other person make the choice, can become a negative put down by the other person.  To promote conversation, you could say, “Let’s talk about some of our options.”

The other phrase – “It doesn’t matter to me” – can be interpreted as you could care less about what the other person wants to do.  What they are suggesting has no value or importance to you.  You are indifferent toward what the other person has placed value upon; you are dismissing it as unimportant.  Sometimes when this is the response, the phrase – “never mind” – is spoken and friction has been created.  A more positive response is, “I have no ideas right now, what are your suggestions?”

Another phrase used “That’s OK” – says that what someone did or said was fine with you when it really was not.  You downplay it because you do not want to cause any conflict.  If someone apologizes and you say, “that’s OK” – was it really?  Say instead, “Thank you.  I accept your apology.”

You speak phrases that may not reflect how you feel.  It is being more direct and paying closer attention to what you say and how you say it.  Everyone hears through their own filters, interpretations and experiences.  Slow yourself down and put thought to your words.  Listen more.  Pray before speaking. What is the person really asking?  What do you want to do?  Define what matters.  If you do not have a preference, then state that you trust the other person’s decision and will enjoy whatever they choose.

If a topic matters to you, learn how to share it directly, honestly, and meaningfully. Life matters.  Live life like it matters to you.

Check out Sturtz’ her books and blog on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Dealing With The Holidays

As you turn the calendar to November, the holiday season becomes the focus of stores and your thoughts.  The Fantasy of Lights displays are starting to be created in the Harrison Smith Park.  Hallmark Christmas movies are beginning, and Christmas music is heard in the distance.  But maybe you are dreading the holiday season this year.  It could be because of the loss of a loved one this past year, a new season of life, or changes that have happened this past year.

You recognize life is different this year.  You cannot re-create past holidays because life is not the same.  Holidays can be a tough time for a variety of reasons.  Memories are good, but memories can also be painful with loss and changes.  Loneliness is more intense during the holidays.  You watch movies where families are together, and the celebrations are picture perfect.  Your friends share their family plans, and you feel more isolated and alone.

If you or people around you have lost a loved one this past year, the holidays will be different from now on.  You will experience sadness and tears.  Do not avoid these feelings or attempt to fake it.  Allow the emotions to come and go.  It will hurt, but you will also have good moments and make new memories.  You still have people around you that love you.

Develop a plan.  You decide now what you want to do and what you cannot do right now.  Be honest with yourself.  Prioritize what is really important.  You do not have to do everything like you did in the past.  Ask for help.  Simplify.  What is really important to you about the holidays?  Be flexible and give yourself time to adjust to this new way of experiencing life.  If you are not ready to be with everyone and do all the traditions, give yourself permission not to this year.

For some of you, the traditions are important, and you want to do them for the sake of the rest of the family.  Know you may cry and that is fine.  There is an emptiness because loved ones are not there to celebrate with you.  But you can still gather and celebrate and remember.

Focus on the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Do not allow the media and social platforms to dictate your holiday.  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on your blessings.  It is a time to remember and give thanks for your loved ones and for those who have come before you.  It is a time to give thanks to those who began our country and persevered through.  It is a time to give thanks to God for the blessings of life.  For you, it is a time to give thanks for your loved one and for God walking with you through the changes of life.  Christmas is the celebration of God coming into the world through the birth of Jesus.  God comes to be with us – Emmanuel.

Simplifying and going back to the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas is a great plan for this year.  It changes the focus from your loss to the purpose of the Holiday Season.  Enjoy the moments and keep your focus.  Even if you have not experienced the loss of a loved one, it may be time to focus on the true meaning of the season and to enjoy a simpler celebration.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Being In The Know

Is it important to you to be the first person to know and have the knowledge of what someone did or said?  Do you feel angry or upset when someone else knows the scoop before you do?  It makes you feel important and even better than others because you know something about someone else that nobody else knows yet.

Some people are quick to find out and quick to share “the dirt” on others even before knowing all the facts.  This is a form of gossip – sharing rumors that are usually negative and without consent.  A person shares for the purpose of hurting another person’s reputation and making them look bad while trying to elevate one’s status because you know what is going on.

The reality is gossip in any form is hurtful and disrespectful.  Gossip lowers a person’s status and tears down other people.  One becomes arrogant and places a judgment on another person in gossip.  It is basically stating that you would never do what you are sharing and are better than that person.  This is not true.  The one who gossips has just gotten down in the dirt and revealed you are not trustworthy.  You give no grace or forgiveness.

There are two main issues here that can affect who you are and how you deal with life.  First, you think you need to know everybody’s business and have the authority to make a judgment.  Some would call this being snooty, snoopy, or a busy body.  It is making yourself the judge and sharing what has nothing to do with you.  Second, just because you know something does not mean you need to share it.  It is being judgmental and never giving grace and believing you have a right to share everything you hear.  You probably do not want others to share your life, so why do you think you can do it to others?

Some people are spending too much time focused on finding the bad in others and letting everyone else know it.  Change your focus to enjoying your own life and not creating a “soap opera” out of the lives of other people.  Share the good news and accomplishments of others if they want you to do so.  Ask permission to share.  Do not assume it is your responsibility and role to share.

Didn’t your mom teach you – “If you can’t say anything good about someone, don’t say anything.”  Find good in people.  Encourage others and not tear them down.  Give people grace when they mess up.  You are not the evening news that needs to broadcast it immediately without the facts.  Do something different.  Pray first.  Go talk to the person if you need to share it and be of support and help in the situation.  Pray with them and for them.

Sometimes the best gift you give yourself and others is to just listen.  Before you share anything ask yourself, “Is it true?”  “Does it build up or tear down someone?” “Is it mine to share?”  When you hear gossip and negativity about others, take the step of not sharing it, pray about what you heard, and then release it. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Sighing

You do not know what to say or do, so you sigh.  You are sad and cannot express in words the hurt deep down inside your heart, so you sigh.  You are tired and your body feels the pain, and you just sigh because you do not know how to get relief.  Sighing is a natural physical expression.  It is the exhalation of a deep audible breath that releases emotions and feelings that cannot be put into words.

You probably sigh throughout the day without realizing it.  You can sigh out of frustration, grief, anger, and it is usually a form of release.  Sometimes you sigh to release emotions and feelings that seem impossible to share. Other sighs are an acceptance of the situation.  You can even sigh when the feeling of wonder and awe totally amazes and words do not adequately convey the moment. 

Sighing is also a way to take the focus away from you and your need to solve the situation.  You just sigh to yourself and know you could fix the problem, but you know it is not yours to control or fix.  Sighing also admits that the situation is what it is.  You cannot change it or make it better. Sighing prevents you from saying something you will later regret.

Sighing is also a prayer.  When life feels overwhelming and complicated, and you have no clue what to do or what to say, sigh and release the situation.  You tend to sigh more in grief.  Your life has changed because of the death of a loved one.  Your life is different, and you may feel alone.  Sighing is a way for your spirit to connect to God because words do not come. You are numb.  Sighing grounds you in the One who is always with you and allows your spirit and the Holy Spirit to breathe together and speak for you.

Sighing slows you down and puts you in the moment.  You sigh as you work, and oxygen fills your brain and lungs.  Sighing can wake you up, and it can also relax you.  Sighing can release anxiety and worry and remind you that you do not need all the answers right now.  Just be in the moment and slow yourself down.  Breathe in and breathe out.

This simple breathing technique has great power and results.  It releases sorrow, fatigue, frustration, and countless other emotions.  It is audible and usually heard by those around you.  When you are alone and sigh, it reminds you to take deep breaths, that the weight of the world is not on your shoulders, and that you need not have words to express your feelings nor to pray.

Sighing is also the way your body prepares and composes itself to share deep emotions. You take a deep breath and put more oxygen in your lungs and gives you a moment before you speak.  Sighing releases the negative emotions, and it is a way your body speaks after dealing with challenging situations.

Listen more to the rhythm of your body and your breathing.  Sigh more to release.  Sigh more and take deep breaths to bring more oxygen into your system.  Sigh more to acknowledge you have no words to describe your emotions, but sighs are words from deep in your soul.

Let’s sigh together!

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different

Check out Elaine’s blogs on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com

Live In Front of You

He tripped over the cord and fell because he was looking too far ahead instead of where his feet were.  Ever do this?  It is not unusual.  People tend to look at what is coming next not what is currently happening in front of them.  Most falls happen because a person is not paying attention nor focusing on where their feet are and what is around them.  The focus is on where they are going not on where they currently are.

 This is true not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  You focus on what comes next and rarely enjoy where you are.  You planned weeks ago to do what you are now experiencing, but you are focused on what comes next instead of enjoying what you are doing.  You never truly live and enjoy what you have planned because you are always planning what comes next in your head.  You spend all your energy and time preparing and planning but never living and enjoying what you planned.

 You become preoccupied with worry about what is in the distance, so you never engage in the present. You go on a vacation you have planned and looked forward to for months, maybe even years.  You are constantly thinking about what comes next and never slow yourself down to be present in the moment and enjoy who and what is around you.  You come home disappointed.

 When you are in the moment both mentally and physically, you have acquired the art of living in the present.  You are living and enjoying life in front of you.  What prevents you from enjoying the moments of life?  Usually anxiety and worry consume you – always worrying about what comes next and anxious what might happen.  No wonder life seems overwhelming, exhausting, and lacking joy and fulfillment. You are either making plans or anxious about what could happen and how you will deal with it.

Take a deep breath right now.  Look down at your feet.  Where are you and where are your thoughts?  This is a healthy way to slow yourself down and to learn to be present.  Look at your feet and listen to your thoughts.  Bring those thoughts back to the now.  It is wonderful to daydream when you relax on your porch or in your comfortable space but do not add worry and anxiety to those carefree thoughts of daydreaming.

Look around you and ground yourself in your space.  Go to events, worship, interact with your family and friends, try new adventures, and engage in the situations around you.  Listen, participate, share, try new experiences, and step your whole self and your thoughts into the moment.  Find good in it.  Allow yourself to engage and not escape into worry and isolation.  If anxiety begins to creep in, look up and breathe in the moment.  When you look up, the only thing you see is what God has made and you just breathe in the Spirit.

Take steps to daily live in the moments and not think about what comes next.  All you have is today – find meaning in moments.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Healing Rhythm for Your Soul

Music comes in many forms, rhythms, styles, and beats.  Advertisements, movies and TV shows have a musical background or theme.  Rides at fairs and amusement parks play a continuous song to entice people to come take a ride.  You turn on your vehicle and usually the radio is playing on a station you have chosen.  Most restaurants, bars, and gas stations play some type of music.  It depends on the location and type of eating establishment what the music genre is. Music is great for working out, walking or running.  It helps to keep your energy up and gives you a good pace. Worship services are filled with music – choirs, praise bands, and congregational singing.  Music is such an integral part of life.

When you hear a familiar song, it may amaze you that you can sing along and know most of the words to songs you have not heard in years.  Songs bring back memories and are connected to events and people.  A song may bring tears to you as you think of your mom or dad because it was their favorite song.  There is a lot of nostalgia related to music – your alma mater fight song, your wedding song, or your favorite love song from your dating years.

 Music goes deep within your soul.  Even people with dementia will remember songs from their lives especially hymns of their faith and be able to sing the entire song from memory.  Music is a rhythm that the brain sustains.  When you listen to music, your body may begin to sway back and forth and you feel the sensations of the beat, and your mind takes in the words to that particular beat.  That is why you remember so quickly a song from just a few notes.  Songs become familiar and are usually tied with a memory.

Everyone has different styles that move them – gospel, contemporary worship songs, country, bluegrass, jazz, classical, pop, rock, and alternative.  There are so many styles and many of them blend together.  Music is also a way to express your emotions.  You may not be able to put into words how you feel, but a song will clarify and define those feelings for you.  Music makes you laugh, cry, release anger, and gives you a place to sit in the sadness and soak in the rhythm.  You can feel your pain and your joy.

 Music also brings healing in your grief.  It is finding songs to express how you feel at each stage and chapter of grief.  You may keep your grief and your feelings private, and music can be a way to give yourself permission to feel and release those emotions.  It is recognizing in grief and loss, you may not be able to name feelings.  Songs can put into words what your heart finds impossible to define.

Music is a tool to release emotions and bring you out of depression and slow you down in your stress and anxiety.  It also helps you enjoy the current moment and connect past memories with present joy.  Music is healing to your souls.  So spend some time every day taking in the rhythm and get lost for a moment or two in the melody, the words, and the memories.

Listening to music, playing music, writing music, and just being a fan of music will bring joy into your heart and healing to your soul. 

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Escaping, Stuffing and Releasing

Someone said something that hurt your feelings, but you do not want to say anything because you want to avoid possible conflict.  So, you stuff those feelings down inside of you.  Whenever you see this person, those feelings come back, and you pretend everything is fine.  You just keep stuffing how you feel.  Soon you become numb to feelings and have developed a habit of pushing down all feelings.

 Sometimes these feelings attempt to come to the surface, so you put food on top of them to keep them hidden.  You have become an emotional eater.  You eat your feelings instead of naming them and dealing with them.  You have become afraid to admit your feelings out of fear of being looked down upon or rejected by others.  You fear others will see you as weak or will belittle you for being so sensitive. 

When you eat your feelings, you are punishing yourself and causing other health problems.  You develop a habit, and food becomes an escape from dealing with life and the emotions connected to the problems and situations of life.  You may stuff your feelings down inside by a variety of addictions – alcohol, drugs, porn, smoking, food, gaming, gambling, media, or shopping.  These are just a few ways to escape dealing with life. You use an outside source – something that is a possession, object or something you can see – to deal with internal feelings.

Anytime life seems hard, or something triggers emotions and feelings that you do not want to deal with, you escape to your method of dealing with life and it becomes an addiction.  It now brings you comfort and a false sense of security.  You don’t deal with anything in hopes that it will go away.  It never goes away so you just keep turning toward your addiction because it is familiar and no longer requires thought.  It has become a habit and an uncontrollable urge to retreat or escape life.  You become dependent and lack control over it.

You may not regard yourself as an addict.  You still function well in life and take care of the necessities of daily living.  You work.  You interact with your family.  You attend church and are involved in your community.  Life feels normal to you.  There is a part of your life that you compartmentalize – how you deal with feelings, emotions, and the hard things of life.  You just escape from them and stuff them deep inside you hoping that they never see daylight.

You are not an addict as society defines an addict, but you rely on another substance to get you through the tough stuff of life.  Want to do something different and retrain your brain?  Your brain has developed a way of thinking that escaping and using these negative addictions are natural and just who you are.  This is distorted thinking and not true.  It is admitting first that you do escape and stuff and desire to change this habit.  Then, it is naming feelings and being aware of how you react and allowing yourself to feel these feelings.  Then, it is finding healthy ways to release them and not stuff them down inside of you.  For instance, anger is a physical emotion that needs to be released physically.  You can punch a pillow, a punching bag, use pool noodles to beat up something, and then let it go.

It is changing your stuffing and escaping to releasing and letting go.  Pray and let it go.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Feeling Out of Sorts

You are irritated.  You took your car to be serviced.  You had a long wait and now a part needs to be ordered, and you will need to come back.  The weather was cloudy and dreary, and you have absorbed the same mood.  You are feeling “out of sorts.” Your spirits are low, and you are impatient, grumpy, cranky, and just in a mood.  You feel “blah.”

Moods tend to change with the weather and situations of life.  Something happens that you did not expect.  You become frustrated and that mood becomes your attitude toward everything around you.  It creates a negativity toward others and life in general.  You begin to think everyone is against you, and nothing you attempt will turn out right.  It becomes that all or nothing mentality.

Life has its issues and problems, but it is not all bad nor is everyone and everything out to get you.  It is separating situations.  The car repair has nothing to do with who you are.  Things break and need repairs.  That is life.  It does not need to ruin your day.  You cannot change it.  You accept the broken and find a way to deal with it.  Sometimes you may need to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help.  You were created to live in community with others, and sometimes we all need a little help and encouragement.

So, how do you get past feeling out of sorts?  After you separate the incident that triggered your grouchy feelings, change your focus from yourself to others.  Compliment someone.  Do something for someone else.  It gets yourself out of the “woe is me” attitude.  It also gives purpose and meaning to your moments.  You recognize what made you irritated really does not matter as much as you let it get to you.  Priorities get messed up when you put so much emphasis on things that will not matter tomorrow, next week or next year.  Relationships and how we care for others have eternal value.

 Then, look up to release the “out of sorts” feelings.  When you go outside and look up, you see no material possessions.  All you see is creation – the birds, the sky, the clouds, the trees.  Take a deep breath and breathe in the moment.  Then release your breath and let go of whatever has a hold on your attitude.  Think about what really is important, who you are, and whose you are.

 If what you are doing has you feeling out of sorts, maybe you should not be doing it. Sometimes you have no choice but to do what you are currently doing.  It may be your job or caring for someone.  Then focus not on the big picture but try to find something in the experience that brings you joy.  Smile at co-workers and enjoy something humorous together.  Ask questions to the one you are caring for that focuses on who the person is and what the person enjoys. 

Get out of your head.  Your thoughts are stuck in the rut of self-pity and woe.  You feed this negativity by connecting it to every situation and person.  Sometimes you just have to sit down and talk to yourself.  “Self, what happened does not need to change my attitude.  It happened.  Now move on from it.  Don’t take it out on everyone around you.”  Turn yourself around and look for the good.

 Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Feeling Time Stamped

Life events are recorded and remembered based on the time and date they occur.  You remember births, deaths, anniversaries, and when trips or major life changes happened based on the dates.  Some people are great at remembering dates and even the exact time.  These events are time stamped in your head and heart as memories you share and pull out to reminisce.  They are part of who you are.  The past is full of these time stamped moments.  They have made you who you are.

Some people may have time stamped you.  They only have one view of you – how you interacted or reacted at one time in your life and that view never changes.  You may have changed and matured but they still see you how you used to be.  For instance, you may have been immature and done some stupid things, but now you have matured and are grounded in your faith, but the family still treats you as immature.  You have been time stamped by other people who cannot get past their previous view of you and give you another chance.

You may have time stamped yourself.  You live in a past that you cannot get past.  You were hurt by another person and remain in the victim mode of life.  You had trauma and still define yourself by the date and time of the trauma.  Yes, it happened and the pain and hurt was real.  It has influenced your emotions and behaviors.  You have allowed yourself to stay in this misery instead of healing from it and not allowing it to define who you are now.  You have time stamped yourself.

To time stamp yourself is to allow something that happened in your past or how you reacted or behaved to be your view of yourself now.  You feel life stopped after the death of a loved one.  You stopped enjoying life and just exist now.  You may have time stamped life in general.  You will never get out of debt.  You will always struggle.  You will never get ahead.  You will always be stuck.  You will always be anxious, depressed, and worried.  You live in the shadow of how others see you.  Time has stopped, and you are not progressing or growing.  You feel stuck and stale. Even in your faith, you may have time stamped yourself. 

Let’s find some ways to break out of the negative time stamped view.  It is acknowledging the past happened.  Some of it was good, and you want to keep the memories as your foundation of life.  Some of it created emotions and behaviors that you can change.  Trauma and hurt happened, but it was in the past.  Begin to desensitize yourself to it – acknowledge it but remind yourself it cannot hurt you anymore.  It has no control over you.

It is finding good in life and making positive changes.  Recognize the good in yourself.  This is the life you now have.  Do different things to get unstuck.  Stop blaming life and take responsibility for the life you now have.  Time moves forward.  It may not be what you chose or wanted, but it is what you now have.  The only way other people can change their view of you, is by you changing your behaviors and how you live forward in life.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Befuddled With Excuses

You are invited to two different events on the same day, and you need to make a choice between them.  Which one do you choose?  How do you make the decision?  Who or what influences your choice?

When it comes to choices, someone has your ear.  That is, someone or something influences your decision.  Many people make decisions based on other people – what they are doing or what they will think of you if you choose differently than they do.  You may try to please others at the expense of your feelings and preferences.  You are afraid of the repercussions of not going or doing what you have been asked to do.

If you decide to decline the invitation, do you make an excuse or explain the reason why you will not be attending?  By explaining you are trying to justify your “no.”  You may fear rejection if it is not a good enough excuse.  You over-explain the “why” out of fear of being judged.  Who have you given control of your life to so that you feel you have to explain your choices?  If you do not want to go, just say no and decline – no reason or explanation.  Your word is enough.  Yes, this scares you, doesn’t it?

When asked why you cannot come to the event, you become bumfuzzled or befuddled.  You get flustered when put on the spot and are unable to think clearly.  You begin to apologize and make all kinds of excuses.  You even make some of them up.  You cornered yourself and allowed someone else to control your life and your decisions.  When this happens, you will feel miserable and lack self-worth and confidence.

First, excuses are rarely good.  It just makes the other person who invited you feel not important because you did not choose them.  You get flustered and words just come out of your mouth.  These words most of the time are lies.  You are trying to “save face” but it just makes it worse.  You are bumfuzzled – you have been made to feel confused and have lost your composure causing you to feel anxious.  Now what do you do?  It is like getting caught because your excuse did not measure up.

You need some help.  So be more proactive with your responses so you do not feel these intense feelings and get confused.  Learn to decline invitations gracefully – “Thank you for your invite. I appreciate your offer but at this time I need to decline.”  No reason and no explanation or excuse.  You did it directly and with respect and dignity.  You may even add – “Keep me in mind next time.”  This tells the person that they have worth and you may be willing to enjoy their company in the future.  No promises but a possibility.

Excuses are given to avoid doing something or to justify why you did something.  You defend or justify your actions.  Most people do not want to hear your excuse.  Don’t live trying to excuse yourself from being the person you were created to be and doing the things you are made to do.  Agree to do what you need and want to do.  Decline what you do not need or want to do.  Learn to make good decisions.  How?  Pray.  Ground yourself in truth. Trust yourself and learn from your mistakes.  Live forward not in fear and excuses.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different

Check out Elaine’s other writings – her blogs and books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com