Slowing Down

“If we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.” I John 1:7

For the past fifteen years, I have run almost every morning.  It is my prayer time and quiet time with God.  This year, I have run every morning four miles no matter the weather.  My companion dog, Annie, has run with me for almost nine years.  Over the past month, she has waited for me to go around the field instead of running each mile.  Two days ago, she went two laps and ran back to the house.  She was done.  Yesterday, I ran one lap around the field, and she just waited for me.  Today she did not run at all.  Today was a sad day for me.  My companion runner of nine years no longer can run.  Now, we will slow down and walk together.  Do I still run?  I plan to run, but how will it be to run alone?

This reminded me of our grief journey.  We run together with our loved one the path of life.  We weather different storms and keep moving together no matter what life gives to us.  It is a daily life, and we are thankful for companionship.  And then a day comes when our loved one can no longer run with us.  Do we keep running?  Do we change paths?  Do we slow down?

On our grief path, we may stay active and keep busy and not want to slow down.  Sometimes we want to run away from dealing with the grief, or we are just not ready to deal with the reality of death.  We need to stay busy and active out of fear if we stop, we may slide down into a despair and not be able to dig ourselves out.  We may also stay busy in our work environment because it is the only place our loved one was not involved.  Work becomes a place that is “normal” when everything else is different.  Or we may stay busy because that is just how we process life.  Activity keeps us moving and keeps our mind focused on other things.  We may need the activity to give our feelings and emotions time to process.

We live in a world that values productivity and staying busy.  We may feel if we slow down and rest, that it is wrong.  We may feel guilt in taking time to rest and heal our souls.  The world is going by us and we may feel we have to get back into the race.  But is that really what we want or need to do?  During COVID shut down the pace of life also slowed down.  As life begins to gear up again, we wonder if we want to jump back into our old pace of life.  We have had time to reflect on what is important during this time.  In grief, our priorities change as well as our focus of life.  The activities that used to bring us pleasure and joy are no longer fulfilling.

Slowing down may feel like giving up, but it is just contrary to the view of society.  God calls us to “be still” (Psalm 46:10) and to listen to His quiet whisper (I Kings 19:12).  We cannot hear God in the fast paced, busy world.  It is being willing to be quiet and still and face the feelings and emotions of our life, and allow God to be present in the pain, heartache, and loneliness.  God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden, and God desires to walk with us.  Sometimes we run ahead believing we can handle it or if we keep busy, we can run away from the feelings.  Eventually grief catches up with us.

I find myself slowing down in my ministry and work and spending more time in the quiet moments of life.  I sit and watch the sunset most evenings.  I sit in the presence of God and just be quiet more instead of filling the time with words.  Now, I am reflecting about my running.  I have noticed my hip and knee hurts more.  Maybe it is time to consider a different form of exercise and prayer time.  In our grief, we need to slow down and re-assess what we used to do and see if it is what we want to continue to do in this different life.  Slowing down and being still is the only way to go in a different direction and to reflect on what is around us.

The Box of Grief

“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”    John 16:20

 Each person shared their story, not just in words but in the emotions on their face.  Each person had experienced loss.  They knew that the others in the room accepted them because they had experienced the loss of a child.  The women around the table knew that the one next to them understood something about their pain and loss.  Each was grieving.  There is something comforting to be with others who have experienced similar loss and pain.  They know.

While grief and loss are different for each person, we each have our story.  Some want to tell the story over and over, while others keep the story close to the heart and do not reveal the details.  The journey is one’s own and by sharing it and letting others into the story, it feels like one loses the intimacy of the relationship.  Other people share the story of their loved one so that others know the specialness of the person and the legacy continues in someone else’s life.  In grief, both ways are healthy, it just depends on the individual.  If the story is spoken or kept within the heart, the emotion of loss still connects people.

When you know the person next to you has experienced a similar loss, the communication deepens and emotionally we experience an acceptance.  They get it.  They know the emotions you are feeling.  You need not apologize for tears, for the hurt and pain.  You are allowed to feel and share the rawness of your feelings.  But what happens when you are in a situation when the emotions are inappropriate for you to express them like in a work environment or celebration setting?  How do you deal with those intense grief feelings? 

Some people in grief, just choose not to be social in their grief for fear of becoming emotional and not being able to control the pain and heartache of the grief.  Isolation is natural in grief.  We fear being told it is time to move on and that it is time to stop grieving and being so emotional.  We never know what will trigger the intensity of the grief.  Stuffing it down inside just leads to depression and it comes out in physical issues.

I am a visual person and have had to find a way to deal with grief when the situation prevents me from expressing it.  I have created a “grief box” in my head.  When the grief becomes intense and I have no place to escape or no time to deal with it, I take out this imaginary grief box and put the pain and hurt and emotions in it, and I put the box in my pocket.  I tell myself that I cannot face this right now, but later when I am alone I will take it out of the box and allow my emotions to be expressed through tears, sadness, anger, hurt and all the other emotions attached to this intense grief. 

After I have dealt with that intense moment, I put the grief box back into my pocket.  I know that grief will always go with me.  Just like my loved one is always in my heart, my grief is always a part of me.   I do not want to stuff it inside and not face it.  I carry it with me.  Even in times when I want to enjoy moments with family and friends, I put the grief in the box and enjoy moments of fellowship with family and friends.  Oh, the grief is there, but it is tucked in my pocket.  It is not the focus for these moments. 

Jesus knew his disciples would grieve when he died.  Jesus knows we will grieve, but grief is not all there is to us.  It is always a part of us, but we can still have moments of joy and moments of celebrations even in our grief.  It is knowing both grief and joy can reside in the same time. 

Memories, Sadness and Gratefulness

“Thank the Lord because he is good. His love continues forever.” Psalm 107:1

As I looked at the pictures of my mom and my husband Dave, memories flooded my mind.  My heart was full of the love and the memories of times shared together.  I just sat and reminisced in my mind.  I remembered the birthday party for my mom and the joy of sharing in the day.  I remembered the trip with Dave and the joy of just being together on the adventure.  They were beautiful moments of memories.  The photos are physical reminders of their presence in my life.  But then the sadness broke my heart.  Neither one is physically present.  The hole in my heart produced the tears and sadness.

I talked with a daughter who had lost her dad.  The memories relived through the boxes and boxes of photos brought moments of joy.  She remembered how her dad was always with her for love and support.  Her life revolved around knowing her dad was always her rock.  But then the sadness overwhelmed her knowing he was no longer here on earth. The grief was intense.

We have all been there in our grief.  Some of you have not been able to even look at pictures of your loved one because the reality that they are no longer present is too painful to face.  To see their photos creates the intense pain that they are not with you.  It becomes too real, and we are not ready to face the reality that our loved one’s life has ended here on earth.  They will not be present in all of our tomorrows.

We remember.  How can we not remember?  We loved them.  They loved us.  We were connected heart to heart.  We cannot imagine life without them.  Memories flood our minds continually but are interwoven in deep sadness and hurt.  We are so afraid if we stop being sad and grieve, we will lose our connection.  We stay focused on how our loved one died and the death.  We may relive the death over and over in our minds and feel the deep pain and sadness of those moments.  Our sadness is about their death.

What connects us to our loved one is not death but life.  It is how they lived and how we lived life with them that gives their life meaning and purpose.  We have loved them because they have been a vital part of our life.  Our loved one has made a difference in who we are, and our life experiences involved them and their influence. 

We never forget and will always have a sadness that comes with the memories, but when we focus on living not dying, we become grateful and thankful our loved one was in our lives.  They live on in us and all we learned from them continues which is their legacy of love.  I have become so grateful for my parents and grandma who instilled in me my faith, my love for nature, my work ethic, my love for family, my connection to the church and the list goes on and on.  It is because they lived, that I have a foundation of faith and life.  The foundation is because of life, not death.  I am thankful for my husband, Dave, and how we walked the path of life together.  I am thankful for the confidence he instilled in me and how God blessed us together and though our lives intertwined we each grew and built upon our foundation of faith and life.

When I focus on life, I am grateful, when I focus on death, I am sad.  When I allow myself to live in the memories and feel the joy and life that the memories bring, I am sad for moments that I will not be able to add to the memories, but I give thanks that I have them.  I would rather have the moments of sadness than to have never had my loved one in my life.  I am grateful for whatever time I had.  It would never have been enough no matter the years.  I am thankful for the hope of Heaven and that I will be reunited with all those I have loved in the Lord.

So I live in memories, sadness and thankfulness!

The Labor of The Hole

“Blessed are the dead who from now on die in the Lord. Yes…they will rest from their labors for their deeds follow them.” Revelation 14:13

“The death of one that belongs to the Lord is precious in his sight.” Psalm 116:15

Several months ago, I asked my siblings to share some of my parents’ favorite sayings.  My dad always said, “Ditto cabbage head” and “Any dummy can do it.”  My mom always quoted many of the old sayings about nature like “three snows after the forsythia blooms.”  My oldest brother, Edwin, after some reflection said, “I don’t remember any sayings of mom, but she was a prayer warrior.”  My mom prayed.  She prayed for family.  She prayed for situations.  She prayed for the needs around her.  She prayed. 

As I reflect on Mother’s Day, it is one of my sad days because my Mom is not physically with me but is in Heaven.  I miss talking with her daily.  I miss her wisdom.  I miss just sitting with her.  I miss her recipes and her love for chocolate and baking.  I miss her smile.  So much I miss about my mom, but what I miss the most is her prayers.  I knew that she was praying for me daily.  If I talked with her about a situation or a need, the first thing she did when the conversation was over was to pray about it.  My mom prayed without ceasing and lived in constant communication with God.  Knowing I was being prayed for by my mom, gave me a sense of peace and security.

Recently a friend told me one of the holes in her life since her husband died was the constant communication and texting throughout the day they shared.  She missed having someone to text that cared about the little things that happened and to receive a text from the one person who could make her smile when life was difficult.  The need for communication and connection is a hole that forms in our lives when our main person dies.  We grieve the security and support.  We grieve not having someone who cares about the little details of our lives.  We miss the one person with whom we want to share the details and dailyness of life.

Mother’s Day is a reminder of my mom and those who have taken on the role of “mom” in my life at various churches I have served.  Women who have poured their love and care into me and treated me as family.  They have been a gift from God in supporting me on the journey and encouraging me.  But nobody can fill the hole of my mom’s prayers.  Her prayers were a labor of love.  It was my mom’s calling in life to pray for her children, grandchildren, and extended family.  I know she prayed in her garden, on her swing, in her chair and while working in her kitchen.  Every place was a holy haven of prayer.

The scripture in Revelation 14:13, states that those who die in the Lord will rest from their labors, but their deeds follow them.  My mom is in Heaven and rests with her Lord and Savior, Jesus, and her deeds of prayer have followed her to Heaven.  Is she still praying for me and her family?  I believe she is.  But the hole in my heart on earth is still here because she is not physically present with me.  The hole though, is paved with my mom’s prayers.  Her prayers remain.  Her deeds of prayers are part of the foundation of my life.  As I feel the absence of her love and support, I also feel her prayers continue to surround me.  The hole that my mom leaves in my heart is held together with her prayers.

My mom also inspires me to keep prayer at the center of my life.  I talk with God on my morning run, throughout moments in the day and have become aware of God’s constant presence with me on this journey of life.  The deeds of my mom have left a legacy of love in the hearts of her children and family.  I continue to pray for my family just as my mom did.  Her labor of love is her legacy. 

In our grief, acknowledge the holes in our hearts created by our loved ones.  But also recognize the holes are lined with love and prayer.

Perspective in The Different

“People can make all kinds of plans, but only the Lord’s plan will happen.”  Proverbs 19:21

I have been a list maker all my life.  I make a “Things to Do” list with big projects and then a list for the daily tasks.  I enjoy crossing things off the list, but it seems I add more as soon as I cross something off.  I have completed lots of big and small projects with my list.  I am one that usually does not ask for help with projects on my list.  I feel a sense of accomplishment in completing the list, but I also wonder if I did enough for the day to regard the day as a successful day.  We live in a society that is performance based – the more we accomplish, the better the person we think we are and the more loved and accepted we will be in relationships and even with God.  At least that is what we are led to believe.

In grief, the list can be a tool to help us just function.  It can be as simple as – get out of bed, brush our teeth, take a shower, get dressed. And even those basics seem too difficult to accomplish at certain stages of our grief.  We do not like asking for help in our grief.  Sometimes we just push ourselves trying to make life feel “normal” for others in the family.  We are doing the work of two people sometimes and wonder why we are exhausted and not achieving completion at the end of the day.

This different life changes our perspective on what is important in life.  The daily worries of others seem to be so trivial now that grief has entered our daily life.  Our priorities change and the list of things to do have lost their importance. At first, I just completed the essentials and my counseling schedule.  Just to survive a day without my husband was a huge accomplishment.  Then came projects and productivity.  I wanted to sort and organize all my stuff and create scrapbooks.  It was good for awhile but it did not fill the emptiness.

I have traveled this grief journey trying out many paths to find a way to live in this different life. I have moved from house to condo to house to rental to someone else’s house. I have moved to different areas of the state. I have stayed busy with work and ministry focusing on the needs of others. I have tried new relationships. I have changed my diet. I have run daily. I have watched movies. I have tried different friendships. I have changed relationships. I have….. Yes, I have had an adventure in this grief journey looking for something or someone to fill the emptiness of my life.

I realize I have had these different experiences on this grief journey so that I can relate to others on the journey.  I have tried things others only think about and now I can share with them my experience and the good and not so good that came from it.  I can share what I learned about myself by doing it, and because of what I now know, I would have changed or not done.  It has all had a purpose, and I believe it will help someone else on the journey.

As I reflect on my journey through grief, I have come to understand it is not what I have done on the journey that has given me peace and hope but just being and resting in God’s presence.  I have slowed down and even stopped writing daily lists most of the time.  I have surrendered to God’s will and plan instead of my own.  I ask each day who God wants me to contact.  I am not focused on accomplishing tasks as much but enjoying moments with God.  The emptiness is still present, but it has become a part of me.  It is a place where love still dwells.

My perspective on life has changed.  My priorities have been re-defined.  What I thought was so important, no longer has value or influence.  I worry less and live in the present more.  I hold onto God’s hand and live more in moments.  I am sad and recognize the hole is still in my heart.  Life is different and how I live and experience life will always be different.  It is just a different perspective, but the same God who holds my hand.

Pain to Memories

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

Recently I watched Disney’s remake of “Cinderella.”  In this version, before Cinderella’s mother dies, she talks to her daughter and tells her two things to remember – “Have courage and be kind.”  Cinderella promises her mother she will.  After her mother dies, Cinderella and her father are in a meadow together running and playing together and the words spoken are – “we are turning our pain into memories.”

In our grief, we feel the deep pain of loss.  We cannot imagine going on with life and the hole in our lives is impossible to fill again.  Pain is central in grief.  We feel the emotional pain of losing our main person with whom we shared life, our thoughts, our adventures, and just daily life.  When we awake, for a moment life feels good, but then we remember our loved one is no longer physically present, and we feel the heartache.  As time goes on, the intensity of the pain lessens, and we begin to focus more on the memories and our time together.  Oh, the pain is still there and the hole in our life never heals, but the memories bring a smile and a thankfulness that our loved one lived.  Memories and pain become a part of who we are.

The movie unlocked memories of my own mom.  I miss my mom and long to talk with her, but I am thankful for the memories I pull out of my heart and mind each day.  As I remember, I take a journey down memory lane and walk again with my mom.  I remember what she taught and how she lived her life.  My mom was strong and had courage, and like Cinderella’s mom was kind and instilled kindness in her children.  The legacy of my mom lives on in each of her children.  It gives us hope and courage in the face of the difficulties of life just like it did for Cinderella.

After Cinderella’s dad died, and the evil stepmother and sisters entered her world, she tried to live by her mother’s words – “Have courage and be kind.”  It was difficult to do in the face of evil.  It is difficult to live our faith in the midst of pain and grief.  Oh, we believe in God’s presence and comfort, but the emotional pain clouds our faith.  It is in these moments we go beyond feelings and trust God is with us even when we feel abandoned and alone.  We can cry out in the darkness and God still listens.

Cinderella cried out into the darkness when life turned painful, and she refused to believe in the magic that her mother told her would also be with her.  While we do not believe in magic, we are called to believe God is with us even when we are struggling.  Even when it feels like life is overwhelming and one thing after another falls apart.  Believe.  It is not our strength but God through us.  Courage and kindness come from God.  We need to believe and accept God’s Spirit that dwells within us.

Live in the moments of memories of your loved one.  Allow a memory to seep into your being and penetrate the pain.  Memories are a gift from God.  Yes, we want our loved one to be with us physically, but what we have are the memories of their life, their love, their humor, and how they made a difference in our life.  Live in the memories that they become a foundation for who you are and who you are becoming.  Believe even in the pain and grief that God is with you, holding you close.  The pain is there but so are the memories.  God is with you in the pain, and God helped create the memories.

The Atrophy of Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”   Psalm 31:9

The pastor used the word “atrophy” in his sermon and my mind remembered when I first heard this word.  I was on staff of a church and one of the pastors had been diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis).  In the disease the muscles eventually atrophy, that is, the nerve cells break down which reduces the function of the muscles.  The muscles become weak and begin to waste away.  I watched Judy’s muscles waste away as the disease progressed and eventually took her life.  Atrophy is a wasting away, a gradual decline in effectiveness or vigor, to diminish, or a decline in development.

Grief has an aspect of atrophy.  When we experience loss, it feels like our physical body is breaking down, and we barely function in life.  Nothing feels normal, and we feel ineffective to deal with the day-to-day routine of life.  It feels like we are wasting away without a desire to be active.  We are weak due to the emptiness and loss of the one we love.  Physically we may go through the motions, but emotionally and mentally the atrophy has taken over. 

We may feel “stuck” in our feelings and in the grief and loss.  It may seem this is how life will always be without meaning and purpose because the grief is so overwhelming.  We take on the guilt and responsibility of the loss, or we cannot imagine figuring out how to live with the hole that is permanently in our heart.  Our thoughts seem all jumbled inside our head, and the numbness of our emotions overflow into our physical body.  We feel numb to life, numb to emotions, and numb to any hope of being able to function naturally again in life.

Weak.  We feel weak because of the physical drain upon our body through all the events and the roller coaster of emotions.  We also feel weak that we are not able to pull ourselves together and function.  We think we should be stronger and be able to push through all of it.  We make it out of bed but taking a shower seems like way too much work.  And if we do make it to take a shower and get dressed, we wonder why we bothered because it did not make life any better to face. 

Some of you have some distance from these raw emotions and have begun to strengthen your ability to function and have begun to live in the moments of life.  Some of you are right in these emotions and the atrophy of grief has a grasp upon you.  Give yourself permission not to fight these emotions but to experience them for moments and then distract yourself.  Our bodies can only deal with the intensity of grief in moments.  We become weak from our crying and tired from the heavy load.  Tears cleanse the soul while sleep gives us some moments of relief and healing.

Our soul and body also atrophy when we are not in communion with God.  When we rely only on our human frailty, the grief consumes us.  It is when we cry out to the Lord for mercy like the Psalmist did and allow God to be our strength that God will carry us when we have nothing left within us.  Through my grief, I have learned that I am not strong on my own, and I need to depend on God.  It is not a sign of weakness or weak faith, but a trust that will sustain me as I walk the journey.  I have had to be still and heal and accept that life will never return to normal.  It will be different.  I am different, and I will never be who I was.  That is OK, because I am becoming who I am with God’s strength. 

Emptiness

“Don’t be afraid.  You are looking for Jesus from Nazareth, who has been crucified.  He has risen from the dead; he is not here.  Look, here is the place they laid him.”   Mark 16:6

We celebrated at Easter that the tomb was empty.  Jesus conquered death.  He is risen.  He is risen indeed.  In the celebration, I heard the word “empty.”  The tomb being empty brought fear that someone stole the body but also a hope that what Jesus said about himself was true – that he would rise from the dead in three days.  I heard the word “empty” earlier in the week when my friend said she now answers when asked, “How are you feeling?” with – “I feel empty.”  Her empty is not a celebration.  It is a loneliness. 

We know what empty is in “normal” life.  When we open the refrigerator and it is almost empty, we know a trip to the grocery store is needed soon.  We look at the gas gauge on our vehicle before we head to the store, and the gauge is close to the “E” so we stop at the gas station on our way to the store.  Our stomach begins to growl, and we realize we have not partaken of a meal yet.  We recognize empty in things around us and even in our stomachs.  These “empties” can be filled by preforming the necessary tasks.  But what about the emptiness within us?

We see the empty chair, the empty bed, the empty house and feel the emptiness inside of us.  Grief is in this space, but it does not fill the space.  Nothing fills the space.  No person, no food, no event, nothing new, no possessions, nothing.  Oh, we may try a few different things for awhile that cover up the emotions and feelings.   We may stay busy to avoid feeling the emptiness, but nothing fills the void in your life after a loved one has died.

We experience the emptiness of disappointment.  Life did not turn out the way we had planned.  We had so many hopes and dreams, and they are shattered because of death.  We anticipated growing old together, but death ended that dream.  We feel a part of us has been torn away.  We see others enjoying happiness and laughter together, and we feel a twinge of anger because it is not us.  We are disappointed that nothing fills the void.

We may believe in Heaven and that Jesus’ resurrection gives us the gift of eternal life.  We believe our loved one is in heaven, but there is an emptiness in the unknown.  What is heaven like?  What are they doing?  Do they know what is going on with me and our family?  It is difficult at times to trust in the unknown.  We know are loved one is whole and complete and without pain, but do they know the hole they left in our hearts and lives?  Our faith believes and trusts, but the emptiness within us wants assurance.

The emptiness also comes in not knowing what life will be like now.  We feel empty inside because a part of us is gone.  Our loved one made us complete with purpose and hope.  Our lives are different.  It is overwhelming trying to maneuver the obstacles of life and make decisions alone.  The empty space that once was filled with our loved one will always be empty, but the grief journey calls us to live in the other places of our lives.  Oh, we never stop feeling the hole, but we begin to live with that emptiness as a part of who we are now.  In this different life, we recognize who comes beside us.  The one who emptied the tomb and conquered pain and death, Jesus.

Jesus comes to us in a different way just as he did with his disciples.  He was still Jesus, but now he was resurrected and promised to be with them in Spirit.  There was an emptiness for the disciples that Jesus would not be physically walking with them as he had for the past three years, but he would be with them through his Holy Spirit.  Our loved one stays with us in our hearts and our spirits are forever connected.  The physical emptiness will always be with us, but it is trusting in the loving spirit that will remain in us.  It takes a step and sometimes a leap of faith to accept and believe this different connection.

The Eyes of The Soul

“Then the Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.”   Luke 22:61

“Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to the prayer offered in this place.”  2 Chronicles 6:40

Her eyes opened and were fixed.  They did not move around to see her loved ones but looked beyond all of us.  I knew she was seeing beyond this world, beyond those in the room.  He opened his eyes, and they were clear blue.  Clearer than they had been in months.  He looked up and his eyes twinkled.  He closed them, and then he was gone.  He looked at me and said nothing verbally, but his eyes spoke of deep love as they filled with tears.  The eyes of death.  I have witnessed many eyes of the dying.  They no longer see the physical world but are fixed on the spiritual realm.

Our eyes.  We have different colors and shapes of eyes.  Some wear glasses or sunglasses.  During this pandemic, eyes are about the only part of a person we have seen when wearing a mask.  I have seen fear in people’s eyes, afraid of being too close to another person.  I have seen loneliness just wanting someone to recognize them or connect with them.  Many people hide behind the mask and do not speak to others.  We do not see another person’s smile behind the mask.  What do your eyes reveal about you?

In our grief, we fear looking at others because we believe they will look deep into our soul and see the pain and hurt.  Or worse, they will not see it.  Our eyes are the window to our souls.  We may try to hide the pain and grief, but someone who has felt the pain and hurt will recognize it in our eyes.  I have seen the emptiness and loneliness in the eyes of those who have lost the love of their life.  I see because my eyes have reflected that same pain and hurt.  Oh, we try to hide it from others, and many do not see it because they have never felt the depth of grief.  When I look into the eyes of someone who is grieving, I see into their soul what they try to keep deep inside.  It wells up into our eyes and sometimes comes out as tears.

Through Holy Week, as I read the scriptures on Jesus’ journey to the cross, I began to imagine the eyes of Jesus.  What did he see?  What was in the eyes of Jesus?  Jesus looked at the crowds on Palm Sunday and saw joy and excitement in eyes of the children who waved palm branches and sang.  Jesus saw the innocence in them.  Jesus went into the temple and threw out those selling and exchanging money. There was anger in Jesus’ eyes because of the disrespect for God and the loss of meaning to the Temple.  Jesus looked into the eyes of each disciple as he washed their feet.  He looked with compassion on those he loved and walked this earth with for three years.  He knew they did not understand, but he loved them.  Jesus looked at Judas knowing he would betray him.  Jesus looked at Peter knowing he would deny him.  Jesus looked with love upon his mother and the disciple he loved.  Jesus looked at the thief on the cross and accepted him.  Jesus looked deep within the soul.

Jesus looks deep into our soul.  He understands our pain and grief.  His eyes reflected that same pain and grief.  He looks with compassion on our loneliness, and quietly surrounds us.  He sees our need and quietly sits with us in our hurt and pain.  He stretched out his arms and died for us to conquer death forever and give to us and our loved one eternal life with him.

Look today in the mirror.  Look into your own eyes.  What do you see?  You may see the pain, loneliness, and emptiness of your life.  You may see the spark fading within you.  You may see fear and uncertainty for your next steps.  Believe that God is looking deep within you with His love and compassion.  You are not alone.  Look this week into the eyes of someone you trust and who loves and accepts you with all your feelings and emotions.  Jesus was resurrected and looked with love into the eyes of the disciples who had denied him and ran away in fear.  They received compassion as they looked into Jesus’ eyes.  We do too. 

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grown strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.”

More Than A Feeling

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”   2 Corinthians 5:7

“I feel sad.”  “I feel angry.”  “I feel numb.”  “I feel lonely.”  “I feel irritable.”  “I feel…”

Feelings.  Sometimes feelings are difficult to name because they are all mixed up together.  Feelings create turmoil within us, and we experience the effects of these feelings in our stomach, heart, and head.  We hear, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”  Nobody can tell us how to feel.  Feelings are just that, feelings that are within us.

I watched feelings pour out of the eyes of my family.  I saw feelings wrap around the hurt as hugs.  I felt the intense sadness as they tucked her into the casket and the lid closed.  I heard the emotion of the songs and my heart remembered bringing tears.  The smell of the flowers brought feelings of beauty but also a sadness because of why they were there.  I tasted the food at the meal and while it was good, it was also a reminder of why we had gathered.

Feelings bring memories and trigger our own feelings of walking the journey.  We may try to suppress these emotions but they well up inside of us and many times begin pouring out of our eyes.  We may try to be “strong” for others or not want to express these feelings with others.  We may hold them inside and finally they come out at inappropriate times or ways.  If we bottle up our grief, it can turn into depression or come out in moments as anger. 

Feelings are emotions, sentiments, sensations, passions, and affections within us.  Feelings describe our senses of touch, smell, taste, hearing, and sight.  We usually associate good feelings as warm and fuzzy sensations within us.  There are days feelings are all over the place.  We feel very emotional, confused, uncertain, and anxious about life.  Feelings themselves are neither good nor bad, it is the expression of the feelings or lack of that can lead to unhealthiness.

Naming our feelings and emotions is the first step in facing them and dealing with them.  For instance – “I feel sad and lonely because my person I talk with and share life with is no longer physically present.”  The hole in our heart seems overwhelming and taking any steps in life seems impossible.  We “feel” like we are falling with nothing or nobody to catch us.  It is admitting to ourselves how we feel.  It not apologizing for feeling, but it is figuring out what we do with those feelings.  Sometimes we need to admit these feelings and emotions will always be a part of who I am and that it is OK to have them.  The feelings do not make you weak or less of a person.  They are just who you are.  It is figuring out how you live in your other relationships with these feelings and how you live in this different life.

In grief, our desire is to “feel” our loved one’s presence.  What does that really mean?  We want to feel them close to us and have the warm sensation of their loving presence.  We may receive this gift of warmth and closeness for a moment, or we may need to just trust in faith that our loved one’s spirit is within our heart.  The love never leaves, but there are moments we want to feel the love and not just trust it is there.  It is the same with our relationship with God.  We trust by faith that God is with us even when we do not feel His presence.  We walk by faith not just by what we feel.  God is present even when we cannot sense His presence.  God will give us a sense of peace in the midst of the grief.   Give yourself permission to feel the emotions of grief.  Also, give yourself permission to not to be overwhelmed by the feelings.  However you feel is how you feel.  It is owning these feelings are now a part of who you are.

It Happened...Again

“Death where is your victory?  Death, where is your pain?  Death’s power to hurt is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But we thank God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”   1 Corinthians 15:56-57

It happened again – death.  It came unexpected.  Unwanted.  But it did not care.  It still came, leaving behind pain, heartache, tears, and emptiness.  The image forever etched in my head, playing over and over again like a horror movie that will not end.  The tears flowed.  The family devastated.  Heaven opened and received one of its own.

I sat with my brother and nieces as my sister-in-law, my brother’s wife and my nieces’ mom and grandma began this unexpected journey of letting go of this world and entering into the next place.  The tears.  The shock.  The pain.  The letting go.  Giving permission to go but wanting to hang on to life.  The conversations.  Time seeming to stand still and feeling so surreal.  Wanting life to slow down but too difficult to stay in this intense emotion.

I began this week officiating at the funeral of a retired trooper’s wife who was a friend.  We celebrated her life and shared memories together.  Her life focused on caring for her husband who is also beginning the journey of letting go of this world.  I ended the week with the death of my sister-in-law.  In between, I counseled those walking the journey of grief and loss.  Death leaves a powerful sting, pain and hurt in our lives.  The death of a person, a relationship, a dream, a hope, a life.  They are all a type of death.

As I walk the journey of death with others, my personal experiences replay in my mind.  It is a picture that will never leave my mind and heart.  Those last moments with our loved one is forever cemented in our mind.  Some of us had the privilege of being with our loved one and witnessing the last breath.  It is a very holy moment when Heaven opens and receives one of its children.  Many times, a person’s eyes open and fix not on things on earth, but on things in Heaven.  They look beyond those around them. I believe they begin to see the spiritual world and see Jesus.  Many people reach and become restless as they let go of this body and release the last of their energy.  They use up themselves.

We come to a place where we do not want our loved one to continue to be in pain and to suffer and we pray for them to let go.  We even give them permission to let go, but in our hearts, we want them to stay.  We do not want them to leave us.  We cannot image life without them.  We pray for God’s will.  We pray for a miracle.  We pray for healing.  Every time God heals.  Some time the healing is physical, and other times the healing is perfect releasing our loved one from this world of pain and suffering. 

Death does not have the final word.  God does.  God has given us victory over death through the death of his Son, Jesus.  Jesus conquered death and paid the debt we owe giving us hope and eternal life through Him.  Yes, we may know and accept Jesus’ victory over death, but death still comes.  It still brings pain, heartache, and a deep loneliness.  Death changes life.  Life is so different when death enters our lives.  But death is not the end.  It is the beginning of eternal life.  We trust our faith and live in this hope.  I believe that is the only way we can even survive when we experience the death of our loved one.  We hold on to the hope of Heaven.  We feel the emptiness of life, but we also have the hope that our loved one is perfect and at peace with Jesus.  We also have the hope that we feel their love and spirit within us forever.

Death.  It happens over and over again.  It will always hurt.  It will always bring tears and heartache.  But it will always bring hope and victory through Jesus.

“O victory in Jesus, my Savior forever!

He sought me and bought me

With his redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew him,

And all my love is due him;

He plunged me to victory

Beneath the cleansing flood.”

Living Consistently

“Always be joyful.  Pray continually, and give thanks whatever happens.  This is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.”    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Who am I now?  This is the main question as we journey further down the path of grief.  Your life has dramatically changed, and you are different because of this loss.  At times, we get upset with ourselves thinking we should be “better” by now or further down this path and not feel the pain and hurt anymore.  Give yourself some grace.  You have experienced the greatest loss of your life – your companion, your friend, your future, your focus, and who you were with this person.  It takes time to figure out yourself again.  You may have lived for the other person, always putting your loved one first over your own needs.  Now it is just you.

So where do you begin?  I believe you need to find your foundation.  What have you built your life upon?  It is having a secure and sure foundation.  To be secure is to place your trust in what is unchanging.  Your life has completely changed, and you feel so unstable and unsure when it comes to making decisions for your life and future.  When we try to walk this journey of grief and life alone, we fall apart quickly.  On my grief journey, I have come to depend even more on my faith and commitment to God.  I am dependent on God for each moment.  This dependency has led to being in communication with God throughout each day.  It is having a conversation and sharing my need. 

When nothing in life is “normal” ever again, we need to find some consistency in who we are and create a different life.  Consistency is not the same as a routine.  Routine is good and helps us get out of bed and function in daily life.  Consistency is deeper.  It is having a constant in your life.  My constant is Jesus.  Through my grief, I have grown closer to Jesus.  Holding Jesus’ hand when feeling so alone and lost. Talking with God throughout the day because nobody is near and finding that this conversation is healing and more fulfilling.  In our grief, our faith may seem to falter and doubt enters our mind, but it is then we recognize the constant unchanging presence of Jesus. 

As I talked with a group of widows this past week, the consistent comment was that their relationship with God has grown stronger and deeper in their grief.  Nobody could fill the void in their life left by their loved one, but God was consistently present reassuring them of His love, grace, and Holy presence.  When nothing in the world seems to matter anymore, God steps in and reminds us that He is present in this world, with our loved one in Heaven and gives us the hope of the future with Him.  But most of all, God reminds us that in this changing world, He never changes.

God calls us to life.  We are called to choose to live the life we did not choose.  We did not choose the loss of our loved one.  Life happened and now we have this huge hole in our hearts and lives.  We were not consulted about the timing of this tragedy and now this chaotic and mess of a life is what we have.  We have a choice.  We can fight against the wave of grief or we can ride the wave and choose to live in the life we did not choose.  In choosing to live, we begin with the foundation of our faith.  In Thessalonians, Paul reminds us to be joyful which to me is to choose life.  Joy has nothing to do with happiness. Joy is an inner peace in the midst of turmoil, pain, and grief.  It is a choice to live.  Next Paul challenges us to pray continually which is to be aware of God’s presence each moment and pull closer to Jesus on this journey.  And then Paul boldly calls us to give thanks.  We are not thankful for loss, but thankful for the gift of life.  We give thanks that in choosing to live, God is consistent in His love, grace, comfort, and mercy.  Live consistently.

The Judgment of Grief

“Then Job replied, “I have heard all this before.  What miserable comforters all of you are.”  Job 16:1-2

We live in a world of judgment, criticism, and comparison.   When someone is unwilling to listen and understand another person’s perspective, they place a judgment on another.  This occurs in politics, in the church, in the education field, and even in grief.  Yes, even in grief.  Many of us have experienced the judgment of grief usually from people we know. 

Comparison grief – “my grief is worse than yours.”  Or “you can’t be grieving that much; you were only married a short time.”  Critical grief – “Why are you still crying?  It’s time to get over it and move on.”  Judgmental grief – “You should be doing something with your life instead of being sad all the time.”  Oh, all of you who are grieving could add to this list of hurt and pain inflicted by family and so-called friends who say they have your best interest in mind.  It is just that they do not understand grief and how grief is not something you get over but is now a part of who you are and will always be.

Some people make this judgment because they do not want to face and deal with their own emotions brought on by grief and would prefer living in denial of death and their own mortality.  They may not have experienced the depth of love and it does not make sense how a person could grieve and miss another human being.  They want to live in their own little world and pretend grief will never affect them, and therefore, prefer not facing grief.

Other’s place a judgment that you are not grieving enough or in what they regard as appropriate.  You may have gone back to work right away after the death of your loved one, not because you were not grieving but because you needed to stay busy or have something in your life that had not drastically changed.  You may not outwardly show your emotions, and others place a judgment that you do not cry or are not sad outwardly, therefore, you must not be grieving.

The other part of judgment in grief comes from our own self-judgment.  We tell ourselves, “I should be better by now.”  “I should be able to function.”  I should not be crying still.”  And the list goes on and on of the “should” and “should nots.”  We need to rid our grief of these negative statements.  However you feel is ok and a part of the grief journey.  When we force ourselves to move quicker through the healing of grief, we cause more pain and heartache.  We need to release the self-inflicted judgment and give ourselves permission to walk the grief journey in whatever is right for each of us.

In our grief, we feel life goes on for everyone else around us.  We wonder how they can go forward when our life has stopped and has totally changed.  We place a judgment on family and friends for continuing to function normally in life when we are barely existing from day to day. The last thing we want in our grief is judgment. We need comfort and support and acceptance.

Job experienced the judgment of his friends instead of comfort and mercy.   God is our comfort.  God loves us no matter how we feel, no matter what we are going through.  God does not judge us and tell us to get over it.  God does not deny our grief and sadness but walks with us and even carries us in the pain and heartache.  We need to begin to accept that people in our circle of relationships may never understand our grief.  It is seeking out others who allow us to continue on this path of grief.  Stop judging yourself and thinking you should be at a different point in your grief.  Accept where you are and allow yourself to slowly heal and take steps with the grief.

Spirit To Spirit

“Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away.  Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you, but if I go, I will send him to you.”                   John 16:6-7 (NIV)

As I began to write today, seven male cardinals landed in the yard near the bird feeder.  Each day for the past several weeks at least one male cardinal has landed in the yard during breakfast or lunch.  For many of us, the red cardinal is a spiritual sign that our loved one is attempting to contact us.  Cardinals give us the assurance we are not alone.  We feel a spirit-to-spirit connection and a sense of comfort and peace when a cardinal enters our visual space.  Many times, this happens when we need the reassurance that somehow our loved one is with us.

For me, the hawk has been the symbol for this spiritual connection.  My husband, Dave always spotted hawks on our travels.  I have a framed picture of a hawk that we purchased years ago.  It is one of three main pictures I have kept through all my moves and downsizing.  Dave’s nickname in high school football was “Hawk” because his eyes were always on the ball.  As I travel now, I always see a hawk, and I feel safe and protected.  Because Dave was a State Trooper, I believe I see the hawks the most when I travel giving me the assurance I need to make the journey.

In a recent conversation, someone stated that she just wanted to know if her husband was aware of what was going on in her life and wanted to feel a connection to him.  As I reflected on her need, I was drawn to Jesus’ conversation with his disciples before he was crucified.  Jesus had compassion on his dear friends, and I am sure his eyes were filled with tears as he told them he was going away.  Some of us remember those last conversations when we knew our loved one was dying.  We each tried to stay brave for the other, but tears were in our eyes and hearts.  We did not want to say “Good-bye” and many of us said, “See you later.”  Our hearts were breaking.  Jesus recognized the grief and heartache of his disciples and gave them the promise, “I am sending a Counselor to be with you.”  That Counselor, Helper, Advocate is the Holy Spirit, which is the Spirit of Jesus that dwells within each believer.

Our souls never die and go to Heaven to be with Jesus.  Our bodies are part of this world and stay here.  We receive a new Heavenly body.  So what about our spirit?  Our soul is the heart or essence of who we are.  Our spirit is our presence.  When we think of our loved one, we remember his spirit of life and joy.  We remember her spirit of passion for relationships and adventures.  The spirit of our loved one is what lives on in us and through us. 

So if Jesus goes away but leaves his spirit, I believe that when our loved one goes away, his/her spirit remains with those whom he/she has been in relationship.  It is a presence that is with us.  We do not always feel the Holy Spirit’s presence, but our faith tells us the Holy Spirit is with us.  This is trust.  At times, the powerful presence fills us and flows in and through us, but most of the time the Holy Spirit is a quiet constant presence within us giving us hope, comfort, awareness of God’s active presence, and a sense of peace.  There are physical reminders of God’s Spirit through worship, prayer, songs, a butterfly and even a cardinal or a hawk.  These physical reminders also occur with our loved one – pictures, songs, possessions, places, and cardinals.  Sometimes we feel the presence and sometimes we need to just trust that the presence is with us.  I believe in this spiritual connection.  It gives me peace and comfort knowing that God connects spirit to spirit.

Stay Longer

“I asked you to stay longer in Ephesus when I went into Macedonia so you could command some people there to stop teaching false things.”    I Timothy 1:3

As I listened to the pastor preach on this Scripture where Paul is writing to Timothy and encouraging him to stay longer in Ephesus, I heard God speak to me about what staying longer means in our grief.  God calls us to stay longer in the emotion of grief and not ignore how our lives have completely changed.  We are not to stay in denial but to begin to feel the pain, hurt and loss.  Staying in these emotions are sometimes overwhelming but are needed for healing.  As we stay longer in the grief, we begin to figure out who we are in this different life, and deal with the issues and changes caused by the death.

God calls us to remain in Him and be still.  To stay longer in His presence and allow His Spirit to comfort us in our sadness. God wants us to feel His presence and to know we are not alone even when we feel so lonely.  Staying longer in God’s presence also helps us to listen to the still small voice within us and to quiet the world.  It is waiting for God’s leading on this journey.  Stay longer in the quiet.  Stay longer in just being still.  Stay longer in the uncertainty because your thoughts and mind need time to gain focus and make decisions.

In this staying time, we hear numerous false teachings about grief.  Statements are made by even well-meaning family and friends that are not helpful or true about grief.  It is not that they are heartless and mean, it is just that they have not experienced the depth of grief that has brought you to this point in your life.  Some of those false teachings in grief include – “you will get over this.”  “You should be over this by now.”  “The pain and hurt won’t last long.”  “You will love again, and then you will be fine.”  “You won’t miss him in a few months.”  The list is endless.

Just as Paul sent Timothy to stop the false teachings about Jesus, we need to recognize the false statements of grief and not feel shame, guilt or fear and anxiety because we still are grieving.  Stay longer in your emotions so that you can face them and accept grief as a part of your life and foundation.  Grief is not bad or wrong, grief is about love.  We grieve because we have loved deeply.

I thought I was ready to take the next adventure, but God said, “Stay longer.”  God continues to slow me down and speak to my heart.  I need to remain in His presence and listen to His purpose for being here in this time and place.  When we stay, we may help someone else on the grief journey.  We may also strengthen the foundation of who we have become because of our grief and loss.  We begin to accept our feelings as part of who we are and learn positive ways of living in these feelings.

Give yourself permission to stay longer in the emotions of grief.  To give yourself time in heal from within not just in outward appearance.  Healing is about integrating the grief, pain and loss into our hearts and lives.  As we do, we become more compassionate and more aware of the grief in others and in daily life.  Grief is not just about death but about all the losses and disappointments of life.  Stay longer in the feelings and mingle the sorrow with the joy.

The Fellowship of Grief

“All the believers were of one heart and mind…and there was warm fellowship among all believers.”                        Acts 4:32-33

As we prayed together in worship, the tears flowed as we remembered a dear believer who was now in Heaven.  The last time he was in worship, he prayed over the offering and now we were overcome with grief as another tried to pray.  We were a community of believers who had the identical feelings and emotions.  We were grieving the loss of someone who had always been there and greeted us with a smile, a warm handshake, and his Christ-like spirit.  It was a sacred and holy moment when our hearts were connected in grief and in celebration of a life well lived who was now in Heaven.

As I had dinner and conversation with a group of widows, I felt an emotional connection with these ladies.  We all had experienced the loss of our husbands and grief was the common factor in our fellowship.  We were all on the journey, each at different stages but on the same path in this different life.  As we shared, I knew that our desire to be a support to other widows beginning this journey was from God, and I was trusting God’s plan.

When I heard about a friend whose husband had died, I remembered my grief as I began the journey.  But I also grieved for her because she would not experience the fellowship of friends and family at visitation.  No service was scheduled and a plan for a celebration of life was set at a later date.  COVID has brought the lack of fellowship at funerals.  Grieving families no longer hear the stories and memories.  They do not receive the hugs, the lines of people waiting to express sympathy, and hear the impact their loved one made on people’s lives.

I walked into the church building.  A place where I have connected with the fellowship of believers, but whom I have not seen for almost a year.  Even if churches are meeting on Sundays, the restrictions of social distancing and masks prevent the warm hugs and handshakes that helped us feel connected to other believers.  Our hearts are one in Jesus, but we desire the touch and hugs of fellow believers.

What is fellowship?  The dictionary defines fellowship as “companionship, company, a community of feeling or experience.”  We are fellow travelers as the body of believers.  We have the common connection of our faith in Jesus.  Fellowship is more than what or who we have in common, it is also the feeling or emotion within our hearts.  It goes deeper.  The fellowship of grief is not that we have the same person in common, but we have the same experience and emotions in common.  We each have a loss that changes us and remains within us.  We are different and long to find others who understand and empathize with us.  We long for someone to “get it” and allow us to be who we are in our grief.  People with whom we can just be ourselves and allow us to feel however we feel without judgment or expectation of change. 

While none of us chose this fellowship of grief, we long for a place where grief is recognized and wherever we are on the journey is accepted.  The focus is not always the grief, but it is the underlying feeling.  It does not need to be stated in this fellowship.  We just know and can tell our story over and over again and feel loved and accepted.  This is fellowship.  We are companions on the journey.  In your grief, may you find this fellowship, this acceptance and connection.  It does not take away our grief, but it confirms that living in our hurt and loss is an acceptable place to be.

The Settling of The Soul

“As the deer pants for water so I long for you, O God, I thirst for God the living God.”  Psalm 42:1-2

My soul is restless, and I have a longing deep within me.  It is a thirst that cannot be quenched with water or objects of this world.  My desire is not fulfilled by possessions, pleasures, or people.  As I reclined in the sunshine, my body absorbed the warmth, and it brought a calmness to my soul.  My physical body needs the vitamin D from the sun, but my soul needed the warmth and rest the sun generously provided.  My soul tends to give to others but needs to be replenished more often than I choose.  God’s Word through Scripture and Hymns replenishes my heart and commitment to Jesus.  The inner soul – the part that nobody but Jesus knows – is the most difficult to refresh and renew.  It remains mostly unsettled in this world.  The brokenness of this world and of myself creates this difficulty to settle.

It is OK to be broken.  God only heals the broken.  If we never felt pain, hurt, heartache, we would not know what it means to feel the deepest emotions and also the closest to Jesus.  We need to surrender our power and façade that we are perfect and can handle any situation in life.  In the settling of my soul, I have had to admit to myself all that God has forgiven in me.  I am a sinner saved by grace, not better or worse than others.  In the eyes of God, I am God’s child.

In this restlessness, I am coming to understand more about whose I am.  Each morning when I run, I reach out and take the Father’s hand with my left hand and Jesus’ hand with my right hand.  I know God holds me with His right hand and leads and directs my path.  God has carried me in my grief and given me His comfort and peace. In my current restlessness, I have begun to hold close to Jesus and my daily conversation in my heart is with Jesus.  The settling of my soul has become gradual but in it I have realized my need for external validation is fading dramatically.  It does not matter what other people think about my decisions and views, all that matters is how Jesus sees me.  It is not that I do not care about people, I care even more because my need for their validation and praise is no longer a part of the relationship.

In grief, nothing seems to settle the soul.  We are restless within and long for our loved one.  It is not just wanting them physically with us, but recognizing how they bring calmness, security, and the assurance that we are not alone.  In my grief, I recognized nobody in this world brought to me a settling within me.  While I love my family and friends, they could not meet a need that I could not even explain or name.  I did not need their approval, and while I cared about them, they were not enough to fill the void in my soul.

My longing is for someone to touch my soul.  In my grief, only Jesus can reach deep within me and understand and just be present with me.  Jesus does not take away the emotions and heartache, but Jesus holds me in these feelings and accepts me in my brokenness.  I have nothing to prove and there is no need to pretend I am doing great.  Jesus looks deep in my soul and loves me because I am His and Jesus loves me.  I am focusing on being present with Jesus and sharing thoughts, feelings, and stories with Him instead of those around me.  Jesus understands, and I am beginning to smile within my soul as I listen to others because I have a story to share but I share it with Jesus.  My soul is settling.

Redirected Path

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”   Proverbs 3:5-6

Two years ago when I visited Punta Gorda, I heard God speak to my soul – “Go further.” I was in the last place Dave and I vacationed together before his diagnosis. As I ran the Harbor walk, the trail had been expanded from when Dave and I had walked it. As I ran, I felt Dave’s presence and God calling me to go further in my life.

Last year when I ran the Harbor walk trail, I prayed for God to speak to me again.  As I ran around the hotel Dave and I had stayed, I felt Dave’s presence and heard his words in my heart that it was OK to move forward with my life.  He was at peace in Heaven, and I needed to continue with my life journey.

This year as I ran the same trail, I ran to the end of the northern Harbor walk trail and turned around running back over the same route.  I needed a few more steps to complete my four-mile run so I continued past my starting point.  I became aware the path was re-routed and updated.  It was then I heard God speak within my soul – “Your path to me has never changed, it has just been re-routed.”  The course God planned for me still had the same destination, it was just re-routed and updated to reflect the changes in my life and the pain and heartache that now became a part of the trail.

None of us planned for our lives to change so dramatically and suddenly even if we knew the decline was revealing change. But here we are. Our lives encountered an end to a path, and we are re-routed. We have retraced our steps – our memories of what our lives used to be and who we were on the journey with our loved one. We have wondered what comes next. How can I continue on this path of life? Then God reveals a path that may have some familiarity but appears different. We are still going toward Jesus, but we feel an emptiness on the journey. It is not what we dreamed, but it is what we now have.

As I ran the path, a turn on the trail revealed a monument erected to remember Hurricane Charley that devastated Punta Gorda in 2004.  The monument is of a tall palm tree, a bent over palm tree and a sun dial.  The sun dial depicts the time of the hurricane – 4:29 PM.  The bent over tree represents the destruction and the tall tree reveals the strength of survival in the storm.

This reminded me of grief. We remember the exact time of death and those last moments of trauma, devastation and death, but we have survived. Life is totally different. We have begun to re-route and now rebuild a life. We are stronger because of our trust and dependence upon God. We may not feel strong, but we have survived the most devastating event of our lives, and now are trying to help others along the path.

The route you are on currently is not one chosen by you.  Life has re-routed your path.  I have learned from the Harbor walk trail that life goes on.  We remember.  We celebrate life.  We remember the heartache and pain.   But as we trust in God, He re-routes our path on earth but our final destination with Him remains the same.  Trust.  Trust even when your heart aches.  Trust even when it is hard to believe.  Trust the path.  Trust the One on the path with you.

Identifying With Grief

“Lord, have mercy, because I am in misery.  My eyes are weak from so much crying, and my whole being is tired from grief.”  Psalm 31:9

This month I have grieved the loss of several friends.  One I had just begun walking the journey of life with and another was the wife of my husband Dave’s dear friend.  Another, was a part of a church I served and I had walked the journey of life and death with his family several years ago.  One I watched for years decline and the others died of complications from COVID.  I also heard of friends and church family who had lost a loved one.  Each day in the newspaper, I read the obituaries and even though I do not know the person, I thank God for a life and pray for the families who grieve.  We grieve the loss of thousands who have died from the complications of COVID.  Grief is all around us.

We grieve not just the loss of a loved one, but we grieve all types of losses in our lives.  The loss of innocence.  The loss of trust.  The loss of hope.  The loss of love.  The loss of a dream.  The loss of a job.  The loss of a home.  The losses are all around us.  We may not recognize these losses as a form of grief, but we need to name the grief and take the time to grieve and process the loss.  Grief will always be a part of our journey of life.  I believe when we have lost our favorite person, we begin to recognize other losses in our lives.  Grief becomes familiar and we feel all the negative emotions toward grief – anger, hurt, pain, heartache.

The pain and hurt of our grief become so familiar that we stay in these feelings out of fear of losing our connection with our loved one.  It seems disrespectful to move forward and create a new life without our loved one.  We do not want to live without them even though we know our loved one would want us to develop a new chapter of life and find a new meaning and purpose.

I listened to a mother who had lost her son.  She shared the journey with me, and I could identify with many of the feelings and emotions she shared.  Staying in the grief and not developing new relationships has kept her close to her son.  We know life continues to happen around us, but the grief, pain and heartache feels like we are being loyal to our loved one.  It gets comfortable and familiar, and our identity gets wrapped up in the grief.  We connect to their pain of death through our pain of grief.

Our identify gets caught up in grief.  If we begin a new relationship, others assume we are no longer grieving and have moved on.  Sometimes we avoid relationships because we do not want to leave the familiarity of grief though it is painful.  We may see ourselves as a widow, widower, childless, parentless individual and will always identity with that description.  We do not know who we are outside of this identity.  It can become comfortable, but it can also be a place where we are stuck and afraid of walking into this different life.

When we accept grief is always going to be a part of our lives, we can begin to name our feelings and take the time to process these emotions in a healthy way.  When we try to avoid feeling the grief, it will express itself in negative ways like making us physically sick or living in fear, anxiety and depression.  Grief is not like a welcomed friend, but like someone who shows up at our door unexpectedly and we must figure out how we deal with them.  Jesus felt the pain and heartache of grief.  God holds us close in our loss and tears.  We receive His mercy.  Mercy is God’s way of saying to us, “Give to me your heart which is full of heartache, pain and loss.  I will not take away the love that it represents, but I will release you to live this next chapter of life.  I will be with you.  The love for your dear one will always be in you.  Give to me the pain and hurt.”

Allow your grief to identify the hurt and pain in others.  Acknowledge the loss.  It is part of who you are and who they are. 

Outward Appearance

“People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7

We glance in the mirror. We showered.  Our hair is washed and presentable.  Our outfit in neat and clean.  Our outward appearance seems normal.  But nobody told us we looked pretty this morning.  As we walk out the door to face the world, we appear to have it “together.”  Fortunately, nobody can see our hearts.  Hearts filled with pain, sadness, grief, and loneliness.  We keep our emotions within us because when we release them to those who do not understand grief, we are made to feel like we should be beyond these feelings and emotions and not grieving.  We are even told by friends and family that we should be over this by now and move on with our lives.  So outwardly, we attempt to present that we are “fine” and that our heart is not breaking.

This is part of the grief journey.  We want to present well to those around us who do not understand that grief will last forever, and you do not get over grief.  You just learn to live with grief and develop a different life in it.  I spoke with several widows this past week who are at different places on their grief journey.  All spoke of the need to be around others who understand the heart of grief and are further along the path and can be a guide and give hope.

We tend to close off our heart in our grief to protect it from further hurt and pain.  It is difficult to open the box of pain, hurt and grief or even to name all that is in it.  But when we encounter others who have experienced similar heartache, we connect broken heart to broken heart.  Many times this connection goes beyond words because we know they get it.  Our hearts sense the pain and grief and even in these deep emotions we feel a sense of peace that we are not alone in these strange feelings.

As I talked with a friend who had lost his wife this past year, he stated that each night he prayed that God would allow him to wake up in Heaven.  He is ready to go be with God and his dear wife.  He said his family did not understand his feelings.  As we talked, he was thankful he could talk with someone who understand the grief and loss and did not tell him not to talk about going to Heaven.  Outwardly he was trying to live in this world, but inwardly his heart was already in Heaven.

We try to live in this world.  We try to find peace and meaning and hope in each day, but some days getting out of bed is difficult.  How are we to live without the one who gave meaning and purpose and joy to our days?  We become exhausted attempting to fit back into a world that feels so different.  We busy ourselves with tasks and lists and even complete some projects, therefore, those around us see that we are functioning well and moving forward with life.  Looks are deceiving.  Keeping busy is good at first.  We do not know how to fix our broken heart so if we keep busy, we attempt to ignore the pain and heartache.  This works until we get dizzy riding the merry-go-round of life and become emotionally exhausted. 

God sees our pain and hurt and heartache.  God calls us to stop doing for awhile and just be still and present with Him.  God does not take away the heartache because it represents love, but He comforts us and gives to us His peace and presence.  While I do not want to live in pain and heartache, I will choose to do so because I will always choose to love.  With love comes the pain of separation and loss.  But with love also comes memories that sustain, and joy and laughter of sharing life together. 

Outwardly we will appear fine most of the time on the journey until we meet a fellow traveler, and we share our pain and loss.  God will always know our heart – a love that will never end.