Turning Toward Life

“Jesus said to her, “Mary.”  Mary turned toward Jesus and said in the Jewish language, “Rabboni.”  (This means Teacher).”     John 20:16

My garage is half full of the items the previous owner did not want.  I agreed to store them until the “Trash to Treasure” sale at the Church, but they are becoming overwhelming to me.  It is time to purge them from my home and all the items that I do not want or like and clean the garage.  It is time to start over and create my space into something different that defines me in this season of life.  I even went through my closet and asked myself on each item, “Do I like this?  Do I even wear it?  Does it make me happy?”  If not, it went into a bag to donate.  It is time to let go.

The stuff of this world can control us and keep us from taking steps into life.  It may seem overwhelming, and you have no clue where to begin.  I believe it is difficult to deal with the stuff when we do not know who we are in this chapter of life.  We do not know what we like, so how can we decide whether to keep something or donate it?  We first, need to figure out who we desire to be.  In grief, we recognize we are different.  Life has changed.  We look at life differently and therefore, look at what we possess in a new way.  We also, look at relationships differently.

In our grief, we have tried to live in the memories of the past.  We treasure possessions to keep these memories active and alive.  We sit in our husband’s favorite chair.  We smell our wife’s perfume.  We stay surrounded by our past hoping it will bring comfort to our pain and loneliness.  It takes time to grieve.  We need to remain in the place of comfort until it becomes uncomfortable.  Until we desire to live and experience more life.  How does this even seem possible?  How do we turn toward life?

I believe in our sorrow and grief it is difficult to see Jesus standing before us just like Mary Magdalene did not see Jesus.  Mary was grieving at the tomb and did not expect Jesus to be alive.  But when Jesus called her name, she turned toward Jesus and truly saw Him.  Do you see Jesus in your grief?  In your daily life?

We do not expect Jesus to walk with us on our grief journey.  All we see and feel initially is pain, sorrow, heartache, and hopelessness.  We feel that our life has ended.  This is when Jesus calls to us to turn toward Him and allow Him to comfort us and be our companion on the journey.  And like Mary, we will find life if we turn toward Jesus.

To turn toward life is to find a new purpose and meaning to your life.  It is finding who you are and that life does move forward.  It is believing that God is still good, and God still loves you and wants you to live.  It will not be the life you thought it was going to be, but it will be a life in which Jesus is present.  Turning toward life is an intentional decision.  It is choosing to live not exist, to hope and to believe that a new chapter of life is possible.

Turning toward life involves a release of the life we had when we felt whole and complete.  It is a closure to making any more memories in that chapter of life.  It is embracing that love and life as our foundation on which we can now develop a different life.  It is turning to Jesus and allowing Jesus to walk us through into this next chapter of life.  Turn toward life and begin living in moments.  Live in the present.

Trust In The Darkness

“Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5

I walked into my office without turning on the light.  I trusted that I remembered where everything was, and I would not trip over anything before reaching the lamp.  I was in the dark only a short time before turning on the lamp.  Darkness.  We experience the darkness in the evenings when the sun goes down.  We experience darkness when the electricity goes out.  We need darkness to see the stars and the moon.  In all these, we trust and believe light will come – the electricity will be restored, and the sun will come up again in the morning.

Trust is a firm belief, an acceptance, a confidence and a certainly.  Trust is earned but can also be destroyed in a relationship.  The moment you know you trust someone is a moment of certainty.  To trust is to take a risk and accept what we believe is actually true.  I have trusted people in my life.  Sometimes they were not who I thought they were or they did something that broke my trust and belief in them.  Then there have been people in my life I have trusted completely from the moment I met them or remember them coming into my life and they never broke this trust.

When grief enters our world, it feels like trust is destroyed.  We trusted that our loved one would always be with us.  We trusted God to take care of our loved one.  We trusted that life would be good and fair, and that love would be forever.  But darkness came and took away our trust.  With this darkness came an empty, lonely, and overwhelming feeling.  It seems that grief becomes more intense when the sun goes down and the darkness of the evening surrounds us.  This may have been the time we spent each day with our loved one enjoying the evening together, and now we are all alone.  We can allow the darkness to consume us, or we can trust God in this darkness.

In these evenings over the years is when I have reached out in the darkness and trusted that God was with me.  It was in these quiet and lonely moments that I gave myself permission to grieve – to cry, to get angry, to yell, to curl up in a fetal position and sob, and to just be still and numb.  We need the darkness that grief brings to express these deep feelings and emotions that we hide from the light of day.  This is a place we try to avoid but is needed in the grieving process – to actually release what we build up inside of us.  It is trusting that God hears our hearts in the darkness and cares.  In these dark evenings, it is spending time drawing closer to God.  It is taking Jesus’ hand and just being in His presence.  Words are not needed.  Jesus listens to our hearts.  Just trust that God is with you in the darkness of the evening and the darkness of your soul.

Do you trust yourself?  In grief, I realized my decision-making was not as sharp and clear at times.  My mind was cloudy and sometimes I made decisions without thinking through every aspect of the choice.  When I depend only on my own understanding, I do not make the best decisions.  Proverbs states that we need to “trust in the Lord with all our heart.”  In our grief and steps toward life, we want to trust God but are not always sure God is there.  We feel the darkness surrounds us, but we want to trust that God is somewhere in the darkness of our days.  It is trusting God in the darkness of our souls even when nothing feels right.  It is trusting even when we do not believe until we believe.

God has been faithful.  God is faithful.  God will always be faithful.  I am learning to trust.  I need to trust just for today.  Just in this moment.

Checking Off Grief

“Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”   Psalm 30:5

I write a “Things To Do” list most days.  It always feels good to cross something off my list especially things I will not need to do again.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and my day has purpose when I mark things off the list.  Some of the “things to do” are routine like “do laundry” but other things like “write the talk for my Lenten Lunch Speech” are just a onetime event.

In grief, we wish a checklist could be followed.  We could go through an emotion or feeling and be done with it and never revisit it again.  We could mark it off the list and feel our day was productive and we were moving forward.  There never seems to be a completion to the grief and the emotions surrounding it.

I have been pondering my own grief especially my journey over the past seven years.  The loneliness and intense sadness were overwhelming in the first part of my grief.  I kept busy with work but felt empty because I did not have my person who made life fulfilling and complete.  The grief for my mom was more intense because I did not have her for support.  I had to figure out who I was now.  Relationships felt empty.  Then I tried something that did not bring fulfillment.  I felt like I checked that off my list.  I tried, and it was not what I wanted or needed so it never needed to be on the list again.

While we would like to check off grief and all the emotions and feelings that come with it, and not have to walk through it again, that is not how grief works.  We grieve each relationship and who we were in that relationship.  We experience different emotions at different steps on the journey.  Sometimes, those feelings come back and we revisit them over and over again, and sometimes we work through them.  We may come to an acceptance of the reality of life.  We cannot rush through nor deny the grief, but also do not need to stay stuck in the grief.

If we begin to use the checklist as a marker for growth and taking steps of living, we sometimes feel we are leaving behind our loved one.  That is why we stay in the past memories and grief.  It is familiar and comfortable remembering but it is also empty and unfulfilling.  We do not accomplish anything but exist in the pain and heartache.  We will always remember and tell the stories.  We are who we are because we walked the journey of life with our loved one.  They are part of the foundation of our life.  We lived because of them and can live because of them now.

I have begun to see our grief list not so much as completion of the past, but as things to attempt and try on this journey of life we now have.  It is not so much a bucket list, but a living not existing list.  How can I live today?  What can I do to live in a moment today where pain and loss are not central?  It is recognizing who you are in other relationships.  I recognized I was still an Aunt, still a sister, still a cousin, still a friend, still a counselor.  While I am different because of loss, and I interact differently, I still have these relationships.  So my checklist became how can I live in these relationships?

God has walked with us in the deep grief and crying, and God knows we will have moments of these emotions throughout our lives.  God also gives to us joy.  Joy does not mean everything in life is now perfect and good.  Joy is an inner peace and contentment in the midst of the trials and troubles of life.  Joy is our reliance on God to bring good out of the bad and to find moments of joy in the pain and sorrow.

Signpost To Heaven

“And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”  John 14:3

This past week, my dear 98-year-old friend, Ray, took the journey home to Heaven.  Ray has been my dear friend for over 30 years.  Ray was in a share group with my husband, Dave for many years.  I first met Ray through the Emmaus Walk and one of the churches I served.  Ray was a gentle man and a gentleman.  He lived his faith in how he treated others and how he responded to the trials of life.  After my husband, Dave, died and Ray’s wife, Dottie died, Ray and I had a bond of grief and faith.  Though Ray was my elder, he looked to me for guidance on the grief journey.

Ray was a storyteller.  His experiences of life were vast and made an impact on his direction in life.  Ray talked often about the signposts of his life.  He regarded the people who had given him guidance and direction along the path of life as signposts.  A signpost tells us where we are and how far it is to the next location.  Ray recognized that relationships with others was the key to life.  What path you took, depended on who you followed and who you listened to on the journey.  Ray found people who guided him along the path of life and enhanced his life.

Ray and I had a mutual respect for one another.  I have always respected my elders and learned from their stories, experiences, and wisdom.  But because I had walked the journey of grief with the loss of my husband, Ray turned to me for support.  And in these past months, Ray and I spent many hours talking about Heaven and what that journey would be like for him.  We talked about many of the people who had strengthened his faith and been a signpost of growth for him.  We talked about those who are now in Heaven waiting for him.

As I walked the path of dying with Ray, even in his strong faith and belief in Jesus, anxiousness occurred.  We believe and trust, but we do not know exactly how the transition from this world to heaven occurs.  God has blessed me with an understanding of the spiritual dying process and the ability to comfort others.  In Ray’s words, God uses me as a signpost to guide others to Heaven.  Jesus prepares the place – Heaven - and comes to take us home.  We need a guide to direct us to Jesus.  Ray wondered who Jesus would bring to be a signpost of guidance to Heaven.  My response to Ray was that I hoped it would be my husband, Dave, who would come with Jesus.  Ray smiled at that possibility.

As we reflect on our loved one’s transition to Heaven, we wonder what they saw and who guided them on this path.  I believe Jesus took their hand as they breathed their last breath on earth and took their first breath in Heaven.  And as your loved one like Ray, entered Heaven, they heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of your Master.”  After they were hugged by Jesus and worshipped him, I believe they saw the people who had been signposts for their lives – those who had guided them along the path of life that led to Heaven.

Ray has been and will always be a signpost for my life.  His positive attitude toward life and never focusing on the negative, has helped me to change my focus.  His love and belief in me and God’s calling on my life has encouraged me to be bold in God’s strength.  He has reminded me that the most important part of life is relationships – our relationship with God and with one another.  I will always treasure my friendship with Ray.  His love will live in my heart forever and become part of my foundation for living.  Ray challenges me to be a signpost for others and guide them on this journey of life.

Grief Releasing to Life

“The Lord sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released.”  Isaiah 61:1

I visited the wildlife reserve center in Punta Gorda last year.  The facility has birds of all types that have been injured and nursed back to health.  Sometimes the birds are released back into their natural habitat while others never fully recover enough to be released.  Some injuries like a missing leg or a damaged wing are beyond repair and prevent the birds from surviving in nature.  They need to remain in the safety of the wildlife center where they are given tender care the rest of their lives. 

I have been pondering the word “release.”  To be released means to allow or enable to escape from confinement, to be set free.  In grief, we feel the burden and confinement of our feelings and emotions due to loss.  The loneliness and emptiness of our lives confines us – keeps us stuck.  We feel like we are just going through the motions of the dailyness of life and attempt to find a routine in it.  It is something and the basic tasks of life get accomplished most of the time.

We fear taking steps forward.  We are afraid we will leave the memories and love of our loved one behind.  The grief has been consuming, but we just do not want to keep reliving the pain and heartache.  We know we will never forget our loved one, but we would like the grief to be over.  We are not sure how to live, but we know existing in the grief continuously is overwhelming.

As we attempt to keep close to God on this journey, we know God will not bring back our loved one.  We accept that they have been released from the suffering and pain of this world.  They are free of the burdens of earth and now dwell in the peace of Heaven.  When we release our loved one to Heaven, it takes time to release living constantly in the past and the grief.  We want to remember.  We always will remember them because they are a part of who we are.

On this journey, we release ourselves to live.  We desire not to dwell in the intensity of grief.  This is just existing in the past.  God wants to free us from the guilt, pain and sorrow of the past.  This release is a freedom to live again and maybe love again.  The release is to be set free from the confinement of existing.  It is actually living in the present.  Living in the moments of each day.  It is attempting to find who you are now.

It is also a release of the guilt feelings that occur in our grief.  The guilt that we get to live and begin a new life and our loved one died.  We forget that our loved one is living a new life in Heaven.  Therefore, if they are living, we need to live too.  Guilt sneaks into our hearts too when we try taking steps into living and into relationships.  It whispers, “You will forget your loved one if you take this step.”  Tell guilt it is a liar.  Your loved one is part of your foundation that holds you up.  The relationship is complete on earth and therefore, we can build our lives on the foundation and legacy of that relationship.  It does not hold us back but gives us a firm footing to take steps into life.

Grief can become a prison.  Like the injured birds, we stay in the familiarity of grief.  The pain and sorrow have become our way of life.  The desire to be set free is in tension with the pull to remain in the grief.  This tension keeps us from being released. Our release comes through the Spirit that dwells in us.  God takes us by the hand each step and many times brings others to comfort us.  God works through other people to see hope and life.  Living and finding meaning and purpose in what you now have is the hope of the journey.  This hope begins to emerge as we release the grief and step into the path of living.

Stepping Into Life

“Don’t be afraid because I have saved you. I have called you by name, and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you…when you walk through fire, you will not be burned…” Isaiah 43:1-2

During my college years, I was learning skills to be an adult and function on my own and making my own decisions.  But when I went home for a weekend or a break, I reverted to my childhood ways with my parents.  To them, I was still their little girl, and I allowed my past to be my present.  At first, I resisted and wanted to tell them all I was learning and how independent I was becoming, but they just wanted me to be who they assumed I had always been.  As I matured, I learned to step back into their world, and then back into mine.  Throughout the life of my parents, I stepped in and out of that life.  Eventually I learned to just be me in both places.

In our grief, we tend to live at first in the past.  We desire our old life back and live in how life used to be.  We are afraid to begin to heal and not live in the intense grief.  We connect grief to our loved one.  If we are not grieving, we think we are forgetting our loved one.  So, we focus on the pictures, the cemetery, the possessions, and not wanting to change anything out of fear of losing our loved one again.  It feels more comfortable to step back and stay stuck in the memories of how life was with our loved one.

We go back to who we were in the past.  We step back in what was familiar.  So, we exist in the grief.  It is all we know.  We even trick our mind into believing life is the same, but in reality, life has dramatically changed.  We are different too.  We know it but have no clue how to take a step into a new and different life.  Just one step seems impossible alone.

When we step into the past but try to live in the present, we are overwhelmed with the intensity of the pull of grief and living.  It feels like if we stay only in the past memories and feelings and focus on our loved one, it will sustain us and give purpose to our lives.  It does for a while.  The love and memories are wonderful.  We reflect on how good life was with our loved one.  Then a yearning begins in our souls for more – more meaning, more purpose to life.  Because just living in the past and the grief creates an emptiness in our souls.  We just exist and go through the motions of life.  We have changed and the past self no longer exists.  We are existing in an empty shell of ourselves.  For when we step back into the past, we are unable to step back into our old selves.  That person no longer exists.  Grief has created a new person – a person no longer content to live completely in the memories of the past.

I have been observing a friend navigate stepping from the past into the present.  It has been a recognition of the completion of a relationship that influenced and help make the person into who he currently is.  But the relationship is complete – no adding to it.  The love will always remain.  Love never dies.  The love becomes a part of you not necessarily distinguishable as individual persons.  You give thanks for the love and the memories are stored forever within you.  But the past cannot be restored.  It is no longer giving life.   It begins to create an emptiness and unfulfillment.

You have passed through the water and fire of the past.  It has shaped you and defined you and left scars, but it can no longer give you life. God tells us in the book of Isaiah, He has saved us, and we are His.  He has brought us through the trials of life and calls us to step forward into life.  Grief will be a part of our lives while we are here on earth.  Grief though can mix with life.  Grief alone is existence.  Grief and steps forward is living.  We do not walk this journey alone.  God promises to walk beside us and take our hand.  No step is easy.  But each step forward is trying to navigate life and find meaning and purpose in this different life.  Take a step.

The Commotion of My Soul

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.”    Mark 14:33

Commotion – “a state of confused and noisy disturbance.”  This describes the journey of our grief.  We feel confused, cloudy, numb, unable to focus and unsure of the next steps.  So many people – most well-meaning – give us advice, guidance and try to make us feel better.  Sometimes it just feels overwhelming.  It is a constant noise without meaning and purpose.  Our normal, content lives have been forever disturbed by loss.  Nothing is the same.  Never normal again.

Then as the days pass on, you feel something deep down inside you that says, “You need to live – not just go through the motions of life.”  You have tried to rely on God in the deep hole of your grief.  Your soul has been empty, but you have been clinging to the hope that even in the emptiness, God has been and continues to be in you and with you.  Your soul, that deep inward part of who you are, has been attempting to develop and grow again.

The conflict of not wanting to forget and seeing a way forward brings feelings of guilt that you are leaving behind your loved one and still knowing deep inside you there could be life again.  The longing in your soul creates a commotion of confusion.   It disturbs the grief and the shrine you have made to your loved one.  A different life feels like a letting go and forgetting though you know you will never forget.  So, the commotion inside continues.  It feels like you are fighting with yourself to find a peace and purpose to life.

Some of you may still have anger or resentment toward God.  God is a God of miracles and power.  God could have healed or prevented the tragedy.  The One who did not give us what we wanted is also the One who will walk with us through it all and never leave us alone.  God is deep down in our soul in the commotion wanting us to release the misery and intense pain of our stuckness to Him.  God is not asking us to forget the grief or our loved one.  God just wants us to close the door on existing in the misery.   God wants us to turn toward living.

This is where the commotion – the confusion is most intense.  We see the desire and hope to live but have no clue how to take steps toward a different life.  We see the need, but the emptiness and aloneness are so overwhelming.  Where do we even begin?

We begin with Jesus.  As he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion, his soul was overwhelmed with sorrow.  The commotion in His soul was to do God’s will but the human desire was to be delivered from the pain.  Jesus walked through the pain and suffering knowing His Father was with Him.  He fulfilled His purpose.  And after His resurrection, Jesus’ first word spoken was “Peace.”  Jesus found peace in the commotion of His soul by surrendering to His Father.

We long for peace in the turmoil of grief.  Peace does not come from any external source.  It only comes from within our soul as we wrestle with the commotion.  A soul that is grounded in Jesus not in the situation around us can find peace.  We may find peace that our loved one is no longer suffering and is healed in Heaven with Jesus.  But we never resolve that life, our life, has peace without our special person physically present.  This is where the commotion of the soul begins to resolve the confusion and disturbance.  Our loved one has completed their life on earth.  The chapter is closed on making any more memories.  They made a difference, and their love is what continues.  That love is in our soul, and it mixes with who we now are to create the one we become.  The love is part of our foundation.  It is not separate, but all mixed within the foundation. 

We need to cultivate that love and mix it with who we are becoming and create something new.  Life and relationships will be different.  They need to be.  Give your soul – the core of your being – permission to live again.  Your foundation for the new life is those you have loved.  All that love is mixed together.  It does not look the same and neither do you.  You cannot separate it either.  The commotion will one day settle into a peace.  A peace that says, “I like who I am now and my soul is at rest beside God who walks with me.”

Loving Together Separately

“nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   Romans 8:39

The past week has been a focus on love.  The week began with the Hallmark holiday of Valentine's Day.  I witnessed little pre-school children with their Valentines boxes.  That is my first memory of the day – the creation of the special box to sit on your desk in school.  Classmates would put cards in the box and hope someone would add a piece of candy and write something other than their name.  It has never been a holiday I celebrated in my head or heart.  This year I tore up carpet in my bathroom for my remodeling project – a total avoidance of the day.  Sometimes in our grief, the healthiest way is to avoid and not go down the path of heartache and pain in some situations.

This past week would have been my parents’ seventy-fifth wedding anniversary, and they celebrated it in Heaven.  My own hope of celebration was dissolved months ago.  This past week my oldest brother got married.  Both he and his bride had lost a spouse, and now they found each other and have loved again.  To see my brother happy and enjoying life again brought me peace and joy.  Even in sorrow, love endures.

I also officiated at a wedding this past week for a beautiful young lady who had been in my youth group.  It was an amazing wedding filled with love.  The couple was surrounded by the love of their parents, family, and friends.  They wrote their own vows and in the bride’s vows she said, “I vow to be the person you can lean on when life is hard.”  This couple understands that life will have difficulties, but they promise to be support to one another – to stand together as they face the world.

In our grief, we recognize the gift of love – the unconditional, self-sacrificing, willing to be there for you love.  Some of us experienced it, and others long for someone to care that deeply.  The hurt is that we had our person to lean on when life was hard and now that life is hard and painful and filled with uncertainty, we cannot lean into life with our person.  We will always love them.  Love never ends, but the physical separation overwhelms us at times.

When a couple promises to love forever, there comes a time when physical distance seems to break this bond of love.  But when this separation occurs, we each love separately, but we still love.  When we lose a spouse, a child, parent, friend, extended family member, the love we have endures forever, but a separation has occurred.  We have the desire to feel and touch and experience the love again. 

God promises that nothing separates us from His love – not even death.  God’s love extends across all boundaries and has no limitations.  In Heaven, our loved ones are surrounded by God’s eternal love.  They are loved and nothing separates them from the all-consuming love and power of God.  We have the love of God in our hearts, and trust God is with us in all of life.  Our loved ones and we, ourselves, are loved by the same God with the same love.  The love is the same, we just love together separately.

Rushing The Process

“I waited patiently for the Lord.  He turned to me and heard my cry.”  Psalm 40:1

After the recent winter storm that dumped ice and snow on a huge part of the region, I have heard the statement, “I am done with winter.”  Many have posted on their Facebook page how many days until Spring.  When it is Spring, people will be tired of the rain and want Summer.  Then the countdown to Christmas.  We never seem to be content in our present season or situation.

Even in doing a project, we jump ahead without completing the necessary steps and must go back and follow the procedure to finish the task   I was told by my dad to slow down and wait many times.  I was getting ahead of myself.  I tend to anticipate what comes next and want to be prepared.   

I have been updating my condo.  The major projects like painting are complete.  The flooring is in process. My desire to have it all done has been slowed due to outside circumstances.  My past thought pattern was to hurry and complete everything in the shortest time possible.  I am trying to put more thought in the process and in the decisions – not just fill the condo because there is an empty space.  I am attempting to enjoy the pondering and waiting for inspiration.

I have always been a person who thinks ahead and am already in the next task in my head before I finish what is in front of me.  I am trying to change this thought pattern by telling myself, “Finish this current task completely before going to the next one.  One and done.”

But there are tasks in life like laundry, dishes and cleaning that once completed, I know I will need to do them again soon.  I have been learning to just focus on completing it today.  I cannot rush and complete it for the future.  That is impossible.

In grief, we desire to rush through the process.  Grief is more like laundry and dishes.  You go through some of the same feelings over and over.  The issue is we do not allow ourselves to complete the feeling and accept that it is OK to feel this way.  It just hurts too much.  Therefore, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the emotion in the moment.  It will come back another time – that is the process of grief.  Each time it comes back we can go a little further with the feelings.  Stop when reality becomes too much.  Just like we need to stop when tasks and chores are too overwhelming, or we are too tired and come back to it at a later time.

We would like to rush through the process and not have to feel all this pain, hurt and intensity.  We think it will get better and life will return to some type of normalcy.  We want to come to a time where we do not have all these overwhelming feelings.  We really just want our old life back.  We want to rewind the clock and live the life we once enjoyed.

Our minds feel jumbled and lack focus.  It is even hard to figure out what needs to be done, let alone complete the task.  In my grief, I have learned to ask God, “What do I need to do next? What is really important?  What can wait?”  You cannot rush the grieving process.  So let us slow down.  Feel what we feel.  Distract and escape for periods when it gets too intense.  But come back to it, and slowly take the steps to feel and heal.

In grief, waiting and being patient are important ingredients.  As we slow down, God hears our crying and feels our tears as they drop from our eyes.  Slowing the grief process is not what we desire. It is hard, painful, and emotional.  It is not where we want to stay, but it is the journey we need to go through in our own time.  God will take our hand and walk us through. 

Understanding My Tears

“I am tired of crying to you.  Every night my bed is wet with tears; my bed is soaked from my crying.”   Psalm 6:6

Just the other day, I was thinking about buying some house plants for my condo and thought I needed to check with my mom about what was best, and then it hit me, wait, she is in Heaven.  Even after all these years, my first thought on so many things is to call my mom.  A friend from the Highway Patrol called me last week and my first thought after I hung up was to share it with Dave, but he is in Heaven.

Then life happened.  I was frustrated.  Something made me sad.  I felt broken and the only people I wanted to share my hurt with were in Heaven.  As I talked with a recent widow and heard her brokenness and pain, I remembered feeling this intense hurt and the only one who could help me was the one I was grieving.  This is truly the definition of grief.  We are grieving the one we love more than anyone else and that person is the only one who we want to give us comfort and help through the pain.  When we realize this, that is when the intensity of the loss overwhelms us.  Nobody else can give to us the comfort we desire.  Our tears flow as we face this reality of grief.  The one who completes us and gives meaning to life and purpose to living is the one who brings these deep emotions because they are gone.  They are in Heaven.

A photo from eight years ago just appeared on my Facebook memories.  I am usually prepared for pictures of Dave and my parents knowing they will be filled with memories and emotions.  But this was a photo of my dog, Annie destroying a toy.  What brought me to tears and sadness was the carpet.  Now that sounds ridiculous even as I write this, but those who grieve will understand.  The carpet was in the house Dave and I purchased together.  It represented our life, our foundation, and the familiarity.  The triggers in grief catch us off guard.  We expect the big events and dates, but not carpet.

Finding an unexpected voice mail of his voice breaks open the well of tears.  Hanging the quilt of his neckties catches your breath and floods your mind of pictures of him wearing each tie.  The anniversary of her funeral service and reading through the words of her service makes your eyes moist.  Listening to his favorite song and remembering how he smiled and hugged you when he heard it, quiets your soul to cry within.  And the list goes on and on of the tears that come on the journey of grief.

Tears are necessary to cleanse our souls.  They come in waves.  They come often at times or for some, seldom.  They are outward sometimes, but mainly the tears flow within our hearts.  We tend to keep them hidden from others, trusting only a few to see them, but sometimes it is impossible to control the valve of emotion that pours from our eyes.

We do not understand our own tears.  We wonder what triggers the waterfalls and why we do not cry at some of the more intense memories.  Other people do not seem to understand why we are still shedding tears after all this time.

I believe tears flow inward and outward and define the emotions of grief.  Tears express what we cannot put into words.  They break forth when we have tried to keep the emotions bottled up inside of us.  Something needs to be released, so the tears begin.  God gave us tears for a reason.  He knew we would experience pain and heartache in this broken world.  He gave us a way to express the hurt.  God understands our tears.

The Isaacs sing the song – “He Understands Our Tears.”  The chorus states –

“He understands when all I do is cry

He feels the hurt that no one can see down inside.

And when the words get in the way

I know He still hears

For He understands my tears.

The words get in the way when we try to explain the feelings inside.  God understands our tears.  He accepts them and feels the hurt that is deep inside.  God understands when no one else on earth does.  The one who would understand is with God now in Heaven.  So as God feels our pain, our loved one is beside Jesus who receives our tears.

Remembering Not To Forget

“Those who hear God’s teaching and do nothing are like people who look at themselves in a mirror.  They see their faces and then go away and quickly forget what they looked like.”     

James 1:23-24

Recently a widow stated, “I am afraid I will forget what his touch felt like.”  Pictures help us remember what our loved one looked like.  Our memory in our head is a conglomeration of snap shots of our life together.  We attempt to allow the memories of the illness and dying to fade and focus on our loved one alive and living with us.

When I give myself permission to remember and just stroll through the past, my thoughts dwell on moments that bring feelings of joy and contentment.  While we try to live in the moments of the present, it is important that we give ourselves the luxury of the past.  The past reminds us that our loved one lived and influenced our lives and who we are today.  We remember not only the events and the person, but who we were when we shared life with them.

This past week, I have spent many moments remembering my mom and dad.  My parents’ birthdays were one day apart in January.  My sister posted several pictures of them, and I have several pictures in my home.  I took out the scrapbooks and slowly took a journey into my past and remembered their love and influence in my life.  I remembered the farm, the animals, the hard work, the family times, and how my parents instilled in me the love for God.  I remembered with love but also with a little sadness that I could not celebrate their birthdays with them.  I miss my parents.  I never will forget them.  They live on in this world through their children, grandchildren and all the people who knew them.  The faith of my mom continues here on earth.

Remembering is good.  Remembering how our loved one lived, loved, and influenced others and leaves a legacy.  All of these are good memories.  But with the memories also comes the sadness that we will not make any new memories with them.  That we must live in this world without them physically beside us.  We make decisions without their input and guidance.  We need to find ways to live in the present moments.

When we live in the present moments, we fear that we are leaving our loved one behind.  It does not feel right to live and find joyous moments without them.  When we find happiness, a part of us feels guilty.  We should be sad instead because our loved one cannot experience this moment with us.  We feel confused inside.  We know our loved one would want us to experience life and live in these precious moments, but we feel the guilt that we get the privilege of living and they did not.

The more we attempt to live in the present and find a life, the more it feels like we are forgetting our loved one.  The physical image seems to fade at times even though we have pictures.  We try to feel the touch, to remember the laugh, and to hear the voice.  We may go moments longer without thinking about them, and it feels like we are forgetting them.  I believe they have become such a part of our spirit and heart, that we take them with us in every moment.  We no longer need to be intentional in remembering because our loved one is within us. Our loved one has a permanent place in our heart and our mind.  We take them with us in all of our thoughts, experiences, and adventures of life.  Their touch may allude us.  Their voice and laughter may fade, but their love and spirit is always within us.

The Consuming Cold

“In the daytime the sun took away my strength, and at night I was cold and could not sleep.”  Genesis 31:40

My dog, Annie and I walk in every type of weather.  I never have to decide if I am going to walk.  It is just what I do every day with her.  In these cold days, I am reminded of what a friend once told me - “There is no bad weather, just inappropriate dress.”  I need to “bundle up” as my dad would say – hat, scarf, mittens, layers, and walk briskly.  But some days no matter how much I layer and “bundle up,” the cold wind just goes through me, and it takes awhile to warm up.  Usually after one of these walks, I drink some hot tea and change into warm clothing.  When we had a wood burning stove, I would stand next to it until the heat penetrated to my bones.

In the winter cold, the night air is crisp, and the stars and moon seem brighter.  The coldness brings out beauty in the sky and the grass glistens from the frost.  But the cold also brings ice on the windshields that need to be scraped, and ice on the walkways that make walking more challenging. 

Grief has a coldness that chills us to the core of our being.  When our loved one is gone, we feel the cold emptiness deep within us.  It is like winter last forever in our hearts.  Casey Lee Williams wrote a song entitled “Cold” which speaks to this hurt within us – 

Now it’s cold without you here

It’s like winter lasts all year

But your star is still in the sky

So I won’t say goodbye

I don’t have to say goodbye 

The light you gave to guide me

Will never fade away

But moving forward never felt

As hard as today.

Before we can focus on the hope in these words, we need to feel the deep cold of the emptiness without the one we have loved.  Our hearts turn cold after a loss.  We fear letting anyone into our hearts out of being hurt and going through this difficult pain again.  Our hearts become stone cold, and we wall up our feelings and emotions because we just do not want to feel the pain of reality.  The reality of moving forward without our loved one seems impossible.  We fear we will forget them if we attempt to live in the moments of life.  The light of their life and love never leaves us.  We do not see them outwardly and physically, but their light shines in our hearts.  We see life now through their love in our hearts. 

In the coldness of winter, sometimes it seems hard to remember the warmth of the summer sun.  The warmth will come again.  The cold will not last forever.  The consuming cold will not last forever, but we will cycle through it just like we cycle through the seasons of the calendar year.  We do not say goodbye to the cold forever, but we will see you again next winter.  Just like we do not say goodbye forever to our loved one, we will see them again in Heaven.  That is the hope we cling to in the cold winters of our grief.

Today may be hard for you.  You may feel the coldness of the weather that penetrates your heart and soul.  Allow yourself to feel the cold, but also know the warmth of God’s love is waiting to surround you. Recognize the moments of consuming cold and difficulty.  Also, recognize the moments of light and warmth that guide and direct our path.  Light is present even in the cold.  It reminds us this will not last forever.  God will shine his light of love and peace into the coldness of our souls.

Talking Alone

“In my trouble I called to the Lord.  I cried out to my God for help.  From his temple he heard my voice; my call for help reached his ears.”  Psalm 18:6

“Nobody listens.”  “Nobody seems to hear me.”  “I cannot put it into words.”  “I cried out in the darkness.”  These are all statements we have spoken in our hearts on our grief journey.  Nobody seems to want to listen to the hurt of others.  Or if we do share, others seem to disregard it or give us trite statements that they think are encouraging but just wound our soul.

We cry out inside.  The person who used to understand and was present for us, no longer occupies space next to us.  We feel alone.  We cry out in the darkness.  Does God really hear me?  Psalm 18 tells us that our cries reach the ears of our Heavenly Father.  God hears every hurt, sigh, every word of our broken hearts.

I have spent a lot of time on hold recently as I have changed addresses, cell phone carriers, utilities, and all the financial paperwork.  Sometimes I have listened to music as I waited, and others offer to call you back when they are available.  Fortunately, they cannot hear what we say to them while we are on hold.  I explain why I am calling.  Most are very helpful.  But it seems nothing goes smoothly, and I need to call back several times to get everything resolved.  I just mess up.  Everything seems difficult.  Nothing goes as expected.

So the other night, I was cleaning my condo from the painter and was beginning to organize my space.  I was looking for the curtain rod and could not find it anywhere.  And then I just began to talk out loud, rant, and release all the stuff that has consumed me over the past months.  It all came out.  My dog, Annie, ran to find out whom I was talking with and then she hid in her bed.  I just talked and talked to nobody in particular – just released it all into the air.  Then I thanked God for the privilege of having these issues and for my place to live with all my needs being met.  I thanked God that he loves me in spite of my frustrations and rants.

Nobody understands like Jesus.  I did not want someone to tell me it would be better or to calm down.  I just needed to release all of my frustrations, emotions and feelings that had been within me.  I needed to talk alone with God.  I needed to release all the words inside of me. Nobody accepts all of me like God.  God just loves me.  Accepts me.  Allows me to be me.

In our grief, we spend most of our grieving time alone.  That deep intense sobbing loneliness ache is reserved when we are alone.  And, oh, we feel so alone.  For me, it has been this loneliness that has guided me to talk with God even more.  I recognize that God hears my heart.  God cares about what is deep inside of me.  I also listen more to God.  My desire is to hear God speak to my heart.  The more time I spend with God, the more I hear God speak to my heart.  God speaks in a different way than other people do at least for me.  I feel and sense God’s words.  They just come to me, and I now recognize them as God talking with me.

In grief, we cry out in the darkness.  We may not feel or hear God, and we may even have doubt that God is even with us.  We did not choose this life.  We prayed for a different outcome, but this is what we have.  Our faith tells us to trust, but our heart hurts.  We need to trust in the hurt.  Cry out in the darkness.  God is there even when we doubt and do not feel his presence.  Keep talking when you feel alone and are lonely.  Talk with your loved one.  Talk to God.  They are together in Heaven.  Just keep the conversation flowing.

Not a Lightbulb?

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”   John 8:12

In my condo, I need to replace all the light bulbs.  Several are burned out and others are being replaced with more energy efficient LED bulbs.  This is a task I can accomplish on my own.  Just take out the old, buy new ones, and put in the new.  I will clean each fixture but not change it.  I will just replace a bulb with not much thought and then move on to the next one.  The light bulb produces light when I flip the switch, but it does nothing without the switch being turned on.  I know that electricity is connected to the switch which then produces the light.  That is all I need to know to have light in a room.

When we see light, we look for the source.  I have a night light outside the condo.  I had to search in the daylight to find the source of the light.  The moon and stars provide light on clear nights through my window.  Light comes from a variety of sources.  The purpose of light is to shine in the darkness and be a guide on our path.

In the darkness of grief, we stumble on the path.  The life of our loved one which gave light to our life path is no longer beside us shining their light of love.  We do not want to live in this darkness and desire that light back into our lives.  This light is not a lightbulb.  Nobody can replace that love.  You cannot just take out the old and put in the new like you do a lightbulb.

This past week, a door closed on a relationship – it was dissolved.  We had an adventure, but it was not what we desired.  We had tried to be a light bulb in each other’s life.  That is, we were a replacement not a new light into a new chapter of life.  It was not intentional, but it was the result.  In a relationship, light is more than a fixture or bulb.  It is not something to be turned on and off.  Light brings life and hope into a relationship and radiates into every aspect of each person.   Light shines in the darkness and enhances the pathway.

Darkness seems more intense in our grief.  The evenings are the most difficult when the darkness is stark and reminds us that we are all alone.  We turn on lamps and the light bulb creates a brighter room, but the darkness remains in our heart.  The light we seek is more about love than about illumination.  The light of love flickers in our hearts from the memories of what used to be.  There was purpose and meaning in those memories and our lives were enhanced with the light of our loved one.  We could accept darkness because we were not alone.

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world.”  Jesus is our source even in the darkness of life.  Jesus promises that His light of love and peace and comfort will always be present.  Nothing extinguishes Jesus’ light.  Jesus is my power source.  I desire to shine bright wherever God calls me not just confined to one space or person.

A lightbulb has one purpose only and one area to do its job.  We never expect a lightbulb to give meaning and hope to our lives.  It is just there when we need to turn on the lamp.  The light bulb never deviates from its purpose.  In a relationship, when you are a light bulb, you are viewed as having one purpose – to fit into the role the other person expects you to fulfill.  You need to be a certain wattage, fit into a box, and be the right replacement for the fixture.  You cannot shine and enhance life in your own unique way.

I believe relationships are designed to reflect the light of Jesus.  Light enhances and challenges another to grow into all God created them to be.  Light shines in the darkness of our souls to remind us even in sadness and loss, we are not alone.  The light may be dim or just a tiny flicker, but the light of Jesus never goes out.

I never want to be a light bulb.  You cannot replace someone for another person.  If a new relationship develops, it needs to light a new path and enhance who you are not box you up.  I do not live in a box nor should you.  I desire to be a light – the light of Jesus to shine in the darkness of other people’s lives.  I want to enhance life and give hope.

Even in grief light shines.  We have moments that enhance our darkness.  A smile from a child.  A hug from a friend.  A sign from God in a cardinal.  A verse of scripture that speaks to our heart.  These are all lights.  Lights we receive and lights we can give to others.   Look on your path.  See the light of Jesus in others.  Be a light to others in the moments.  In other moments allow God’s light to shine through others or within your heart.  Light brings hope and healing and moments.  Receive the light in the moments.

Into The Different

“But new wine should be put into new leather bags.”  Mark 2:22

I no longer make New Year’s resolutions.  Oh, I have ideas and things I hope to accomplish, but experience has taught me only God knows how the year will unfold.  Life happens.  Unexpected changes occur, and our plans are destroyed.  We resolve to eat healthier, take care of ourselves better, be a better person, write the bestseller and cure COVID!  But then it is January 3rd, and we have already failed with our resolve.  So now I pray and ask God for my word for the year.  I can only handle one word not a long list!

My word for 2021 was “Surrender.”  It has been a year of surrendering to God’s will, to changes I did not anticipate or choose, and to trusting God’s plan not mine.  My word for 2020 was “Courage.”  It was to have courage to take new steps and believe I could do it even in my fear.  So, my word for 2022 is “Different.”  My life is again different than I anticipated.  I have been “Living in the Different” since 2015, but I have come to realize I have always taken a different path in my life and a different view from the norm.  That is how God wired me.

Our world has been different since COVID entered in the late days of 2019.  We have had to figure out how to work, shop, go to school, worship and be in relationships differently.  Anxiety and fear have increased in these past years.  We have faced unexpected deaths and losses because of COVID.  We have different verbiage and routines.

Our lives have been different because of our own loss.  The emptiness of our relationship fills us with a sense of despair and hopelessness.  Is this what life will always be?  This different hurts and almost stops us from living.  Different feels negative and hurtful.

So why am I choosing “Different” as my word for 2022?  I am accepting life is different because of loss. I cannot change that different.  But if I want to continue living life fully, I know it is impossible to try doing what I have always done.  I will always be missing someone.  It will never be the same.  I cannot put my old life or old self into this new year just like you cannot put new wine into old wine skins.  They fall apart.  So will I if I keep trying to do the same things in this new life.  Doing the same thing but expecting different results is the definition of insanity.  If I want to grow and actually live, I need to do something different – something different each day. 

So this is why I have chosen the word “Different” for 2022.  I am going to do something different each and every day. I am going to write down each evening what I did that was different.  It could be a different thought, action, choice, relationship.  How about doing it with me?  It could be as simple as choosing to order something different from your usual at your favorite restaurant, go a different route home from work, or buy a different shampoo.  Or maybe choose to react differently to someone.  Be proactive in your health.  Instead of watching TV, you read Scripture.  Just each day do something different.  You can keep what you have done the days before and just add to them.  Or just do something once.

My hope is that by the end of 2022, as you and I live in our different life, we will be different and have a deeper relationship with Jesus through it.  Different will not be bad it will just be different in a good way.

A Different Way

“But God warned the wise men in a dream not to go back to Herod, so they returned to their own country by a different way.”      Matthew 2:12

As we reflect on 2021 and begin to ponder the coming of a new year, the word that describes life is different.  The world is different since COVID entered into our well-being.  The views of others are different in their intensity and lack of tolerance and acceptance.  Our relationships are different because of loss and change.

We have been trying to live in this different life.  As I read the story of the wise men who come to worship Jesus and bring him gifts, the scripture states they returned home “a different way.”  Maybe in 2022, we follow the wise men and turn a different way.  We have habits and routines that are not always the healthiest on the journey.  What if in 2022, we try doing some different things and do our routine and life in a different way.  Yes, this can be scary, but what if we did it even if we are afraid?  Maybe we take a few risks, do some things we never attempted on our own, and let go of some of the negative baggage of our past.

The wise men returned a different way because they had been warned in a dream but also because they had been with Jesus.  They encountered God in the flesh and worshipped him.  They followed a star, a light, that shone so bright that it beckoned them to follow and to believe.  In my own journey, it is when I have been with Jesus that I have experienced a sense of peace in the turmoil, pain, and hurt.  Jesus has been the light in my darkness.  When I have felt overwhelmed and afraid, I have cried out the name of Jesus and knew He was beside me.  I did not always feel His presence, but I always believed in His presence.

The journey into another year without your loved one may feel like walking into the darkness.  You have made it through Christmas, but the thought of another year seems overwhelming and impossible at times.  Do not look at the whole year, just focus on one day or one moment at a time.  God gives us strength for one day at a time.  When we look too far into the future, it becomes filled with anxiety because we see only our strength.  God journeys with us in the present.

The wise men followed a star that led them to Jesus.  They were searching for the king of the Jews and saw His star and followed it.  They were searching for more in their lives.  They were searching for purpose and meaning to life.  They were searching for the one worthy of worship.  Jesus is the light of the world, and the star reflected his light to the wise men. 

In the darkness of grief, it is difficult to see light which reflects life and hope.  The other night, when I laid my head on my pillow, the light of the moon shone directly on my pillow.  It was like God shining His light of love and peace upon me.  I thought about the wise men being guided by the star, and the light of the moon was my reminder that God is bringing light and hope into my darkness.  I am not alone.  The light of Jesus guides me each day.

As I journey into this new year, I am going a different way, but I am going to allow the light of Jesus to guide my path.  Give yourself permission to go a different path.  Remember, different is not bad, it is just different.  Your life is different.  It will never be the same, so doing the same things as you did in the past just brings an emptiness and sadness.  So let us try a different way in 2022.

In Our Silent Night

“And in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.”  Luke 2:8

The darkness of the night seems to intensify our grief and loneliness.  It is in this stillness that we remember and feel so alone.  The darkness pours from the sky into the depth of our soul.  We may even have feelings of fear and anxiety in these dark moments.  Everything seems distant and foggy.  We curl up in a chair or in bed and the darkness seems to invade our space and thoughts.

The darkness reminds us that we are alone.  We remember when darkness meant being inside with the ones we love.  The night brought the family together, and the verse of “Silent Night” was true – “all is calm, all is bright…sleep in heavenly peace.”  But life is different now and nothing seems calm, bright, or peaceful.  We miss those precious moments of contentment when we felt warm and whole and life was good.  This Christmas, you may feel lost, hurt and alone especially in your heart.

It was in the darkness, that Jesus came into the world.  His birth was announced in the darkness to the shepherds.  Jesus comes into the darkness of our lives.  He comes to us in our sadness and grief.  He understands our loneliness and sits with us.  This Christmas, Jesus comes to me in my grief, and He holds my hand in the darkness.  He grieves with me.

Casting Crowns sings the song “Somewhere In Your Silent Night.”

All is calm and all is bright

Everywhere but in your heart tonight

They’re singing carols of joy and peace

But you feel too far gone and too far out of reach. 

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried

Hope is here, just lift your head

For love has come to find you

Somewhere in your silent night. 

Somewhere in your silent night, God still comes to your broken heart.  Heaven hears the song of your heart and sees your tears.  God knows every tear that is shed out of love.  You may feel that joy and peace will never come again into your life.  You will always grieve and feel the loneliness and loss, but God will still come and find you.  God will still break through the darkness and bring hope through His Son, Jesus.  God loves you even in your sadness, brokenness, and pain.  It is in this emptiness of our souls, that God comes.  We have nothing to give or offer, and it is in these humble moments that God holds us and wraps us in the blanket of his love.

Christmas is more about God breaking into our hurting world than any glitter, presents, decorations, or dinner.  God broke through over two thousand years ago by taking the form of a baby.  God came to be like us, to save us, so that we could become like him and live eternally with him.  So in this week of Christmas, you will be sad and lonely, but allow God to break through.  God hears the song of your broken heart, and God loves you in your sadness and hurt.  God finds you in your own silent night.

Where Are You Now?

Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? Psalm 139:7

Currently I am on an adventure. As I write these words, my view is the blue sky with white fluffy clouds. I feel the warm sunshine and the breeze from the ocean. I am here to re-focus, to rest, and to heal my heart. I am here to rest my soul so that God's voice is my source of strength and guidance.

My world has been changing these past six years. I am not the same person anymore. Time continues even when our preference is to slow down, stop, or even rewind the clock. Who am I Now? My ministry defines a part of me - pastor, counselor, author. My family gives me the titles of sister, aunt, cousin. In my relationships I have chosen friends and husband. I have had the titles of wife, step mom, widow, companion, and now I am not sure what title defines me. I tried an adventure and now it is being dissolved. So where am I Now?

Where are you Now? Relationships have changed you due to loss. We receive a title to describe the loss like orphan, widow, widower, childless, but where are we in life with the grief and pain?

As we search for a handle on the life we now have that we did not choose, the door opens to what is suppose to be “the happiest time of the year.” Happiness is the furtherest emotion from our hearts. We remember Christmas and the feelings of being with our loved one, and who we were with them. It was not perfect, but it was perfect for us. It was our life.

I am not the same anymore. Time has changed me. I have begun to embrace who I am becoming and as I do the calendar reveals the season which usually fills me with hope and wonder. This year I have not begun any outward preparations for the season except to set up my Nativity scene.

So where am I this Christmas? Christmas has not changed. God still loves us so much that He comes to earth as a baby to save us from our sins and give us eternal life with Him. God reminds us He is with us. God is love. Grief enters this love. God knows our sorrow and God wraps our sorrow in His love. Our special person's love is always with us. Love never ends. God's love is always with us. Who am I Now? I am a person who has love within me. So are you. That love has never changed and will never leave me.

So this Christmas, my focus is on love. Each of you have love within you. Love never changes. Christmas comes because of love. Allow the love and grief to mix. Allow God to come to you. Do not focus outward but inward where the love will always be. You never break this bond of love. God still loves you in your grief. God still comes this Christmas in the birth of Jesus. It does not depend on how you feel or how much you prepare. Just allow the locce of Jesus to seep into the pain, the hurt, and the grief. God will come and be with you. That is what Christmas is about - God with us.

Where Are You Christmas?

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness on them has light shined.”     Isaiah 9:3

Faith Hill sings the song “Where Are You Christmas?” in the movie soundtrack for The Grinch.  The song begins –

“Where are you Christmas?

Why can’t I find you?

Why have you gone away?” 

The song continues – “My world is changing, I’m rearranging.  Does that mean Christmas changes too?”  I have heard the statement several times recently – “I just don’t want to do Christmas this year.”  In our society, “to do” Christmas means to do all the work of shopping, decorating, meal preparation, visits with family, cleaning, and all the events of the season. All this takes energy, planning, decision-making and enthusiasm.  These expectations have been diminished in our grief.  Grief clouds our thought process and just makes what seems like to others the simplest of decisions overwhelming to us. 

This is not Christmas to me.  It feels like Christmas has gone away.  My Christmas Season is again different this year.  I moved this past weekend into a condo and am focused on the updates needed to make it my home.  I am taking a trip.  I am ending an adventure and headed into this new chapter alone.  My heart is not into the hustle and bustle of the Season.  I have no desire “to do” the busyness of the holiday.  Where are you Christmas?  It feels like you have gone away.

This year I am fine with those outward expressions fading into the distance.  I enjoy seeing the lights of other people’s decorations and to see the beauty of lighted trees.  There is a tree outside my counseling office at Church which I have claimed as my tree.  I turn on the lights each day I counsel.  I placed my Precious Moments nativity scene on my new fireplace mantle with angels on each side.  That’s my focus this year.  Simple yet focused on the meaning of Christmas.

So, I have been pondering about not doing Christmas but just being Christmas this year.  Christmas means the mass on Christ’s day.  A religious mass is a time of worship which includes Holy Communion – the presence of Jesus’s body and blood in the elements of the bread and cup.  So, to me, to be Christmas is to be present with Jesus.  This year, I feel the peace of Jesus with me in the changes of my life.  I have sadness for the loss of loved ones and not being with my special person, but I also have the peace of Jesus’ presence with me.  I feel more relaxed as I simply focus on being present with Jesus.  

Christmas is not the outward expressions that exhaust us.  Christmas is within our hearts even in the sadness of our hearts.  God comes to be with us in Jesus.  God comes to be with us in our sadness and hurt.  Christmas reminds us how much God loves us by coming to be with us in the darkness and bringing light and hope through Jesus.

So, this Christmas, I am giving myself permission to release the hustle and bustle and the shopping and decorations.  I am going to be present with Jesus instead of buying presents.  I am going to listen to Christmas music and worship quietly. I am going to allow myself moments of sadness and grief. I am going to relax and not give in to the pressures of the season.  My gift to all of you is my presence whenever you need it, my prayers and support, and most of all, I hope that my words, my actions, and my presence expresses the peace and love of Jesus.  Where are you Christmas?  You are in my heart. 

The Advent of Grief

Then Gideon said, “Sir, if the Lord is with us, why are we having so much trouble?”  Judges 6:12

“OK, God, I know you are with me, but why is everything so difficult?  Every time I get one thing figured out, something else goes wrong.”  Have you ever said this?  I have this past week especially.  Just when I thought I was moving forward, I hit a snag in the process.  I kept reminding myself that God was with me and that it would work out.  I just needed to slow myself down, take a breath, and trust.  I was making plans but going too far out into the future.

We are making plans this season.  In the Christian calendar, Sunday was the beginning of advent.  Advent is the preparation of the arrival of Jesus among us.  We prepare for the season in a variety of ways.  We have traditions.  We have expectations.  We make plans.  Plans are just plans, but we begin to believe they are what will actually happen every time.

With the season is also the advent of grief, the coming or the arrival of all the emotions connected to the season.  It is the arrival of our grief within the coming of Jesus and the traditions of the holidays.  We may have managed our grief and sorrow through the year.  We feel we have handled the major events and survived the daily tasks most of the time. But this holiday season makes it so apparent and real that your life has drastically changed.  Life is so different than what you remember.  You were excited about the traditions of the season until you faced the reality that this year your loved one will not be enjoying them with you either for the first time or again.  You knew this was true, but for a moment the excitement of the season brought hope.  Then you put it all together, and the grief and the advent do not seem to mingle together.  The traditions happen every year, but you have never experienced them without your loved one.  Nothing stops the coming of Christmas.  Jesus will still come anew no matter how you feel, no matter the grief or sadness.  But how do I sing “Joy to the World” when no joy radiates from my soul?

The Bible proclaims that Jesus will be born, and his name will be “Immanuel” which means, “God is with us.” (Matthew 1:23)  So if God is with us, if God is with you and me, we cry out like Gideon – “If you (Lord) are with us, why are we having so much trouble?” (Judges 6:12)  We wonder why we are so sad and the pain of grief so intense if God is walking with us and giving us hope and strength.  If God is with us, why would my loved one die?  It still seems impossible and overwhelming.

I have walked this path.  It is not so much doubt as much as I cannot feel God’s presence through my own pain and heartache.  God is still in my heart, but my heart’s desire was that life would not be like it currently is.  I expected there to be troubles in life, but I expected to go through them with my husband.  I expected God to handle them and not devastate me.

Our view of God coming into the world is similar to the early Jewish view.  They believed God would send a Messiah into the world to rescue them from their earthly enemy – The Romans - and bring peace into the world around them.  Jesus came to bring peace – not in outward visible ways, but peace within the hearts of all who believe.  But even that peace is covered with the grief and changes in this chapter of life.  At times it feels more like God is punishing us instead of walking with us.  We expected God to rescue us and protect us from devastating heartache. Change seems wrong especially in a season of traditions.

Life feels quite emotional and intense right now for me and probably for you.  For me, this week of preparing to move, pack, unpack, pack for a trip, figure out all the paperwork and finances, begin a new chapter of life, write this blog, write a sermon, counsel, take care of my dog, and….  Wow!  I’m tired just typing all of it.  Yes, this is life.  These changes are not all my choices.  Sadness, loss, and consequences of choices line my path.  But out of these troubles, God is teaching me patience, building character, and giving me hope as Paul states in Romans 5:3-4.

I am trying like each of you, to allow Advent – the coming of God with us – to penetrate my grief and troubles. We are different this Advent Season.  Give yourself permission to do the traditions and all that comes with the season differently.  Allow God to come into your grief.  Expect God to come and expect to have moments of sadness and grief.  Expect things to be different and expect traditions to be the same.  You are different so you will experience them differently.  Jesus is still coming.  Jesus is still with you.