Living In Front of You

“When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.”              Genesis 28:16

I listened to him as he shared his thoughts of the past and his fears that he was not enough for her.  I heard the pain as he remembered and his heartache of her death.  He was lost without her and did not know how to take steps into the life he now had.  It did not even feel like a life, but it was all he had now.  He was focused on the past. Then, I experienced the joy of a nine-year-old at the county fair.  She was living in the moment and excited about whatever the next moment brought.  She attempted the tractor pull and was eliminated in the first round.  A moment of disappointment and then it was French fries!  Oh, to have that childlike life.

In our grief, we exist mainly in the past especially in our thoughts and feelings.  We fear forgetting our loved one even though we know that would be impossible, so we focus mainly on the past.  This is an essential part of grief.  We need to remember the good, the impact of our loved one on our life, and who we are because they were in our lives.  We need to work through the pain and loss, and we need to forgive and let go of the regret.  But when we just exist in the past and stay focused on how life used to be, we never live the life we have in front of us.  We are afraid to move through grief because we fear we will forget. 

This fear prevents us from integrating our past into our present.  We will always remember without needing to live in the past.  My friend, Sharon, told me recently that she is tired of being sad and living in the grief.  She said, “I will always miss my husband.  I don’t want to live life without him, but I don’t want to be sad and miserable all the time.  I want to be happy and find joy in life again.”  She has grieved and will always miss her husband, and his love will always be part of who she is and her foundation of life.  She is choosing to live the life she has in front of her.

When I worked for Hospice, my director and friend, Mary, would say – “Be where your feet are.”  This was helpful in my work and visits with patients, but also has made a significant impact on my grief journey.  We may not like the life we now have, but it is what we have so we need to begin to live into it. Look what is around you, and if you do not like it begin to make changes one step at a time.  The steps could be as simple as getting a new hair style to rearranging your living space to doing something with a friend.  It is just beginning to turn from the sadness all the time to moments of good.  It is living in those positive moments that are in front of you.

In this living in front of you, we need to awake from our grief and choose a path of living.  It is recognizing that God has always been in this place even if we have not been aware of his presence.  Grief just becomes a part of who we are but does not need to overshadow living in the present moment.  Yes, we will have sad moments and quiet times of remembering, but we will also have moments of happiness and seeing what is in front of us.  Learn about life from a nine-year-old – disappointments and sadness will happen in life, but there are always something good in front of us if we look for it.  Enjoy the French fries!

Silent Echo

“The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”   Habakkuk 2:20

At the cemetery, the VFW stood at attention with rifles and at the command they raised them into the air.  Their commander gave the order “Fire”, and the 21-gun salute was given for my friend.  The shots reverberated through the trees and the sound bounced off the building.  The shots echoed for a moment through the soft gentle breeze.  Then the bugler played “Taps.”  The sound lingered as the flag was lifted from the casket and the military led the ceremony of folding the flag.  A silence filled the air at this sacred and patriotic tribute.  The flag was presented to the widow and the silence of grief overwhelmed the moment.

I had just officiated at the funeral of my friend from a former church I served.  I met Bill and his son, Brent the night I moved to the parsonage.  Brent was sitting on my front step waiting for me, and his dad arrived shortly after.  The first thing I saw was Bill’s smile.  He was known for his smile and humor.  A smile is silent, but it leaves a lasting impression.  Each time I think of Bill, I smile.  Bill’s smile is the silent echo that will remain in my heart.  It is his legacy.

An echo is a sound caused by the reflection of sound waves from a surface back to the listener.  Our hearts have an echo from the love we have experienced and received from our loved ones.  That echo remains within us.  It is unseen, but the most powerful evidence that our loved ones lived.  A silent echo is what is unspoken but is reflected forever in our lives.

Silence is part of the grief journey.  The life we knew has been silenced never to return the same again.  The silence of our loved one’s voice is overwhelming.  The silence of love permeates the chambers of our heart.  The silence is deafening when we are alone in our home and in our hearts.  We wonder if the emptiness of this silence will last forever.  Some of us linger in the silence longer than others.  It is familiar, and it becomes natural to exist in the silent emptiness of our lives.  The silence defines our empty souls.

Silence, though, is part of the healing journey.  We need to silence our racing and anxious thoughts and fears and be still in the presence of God.  The sadness is still present, but God’s presence holds us if we allow Him to come into our hearts and walk beside us.  No words need to be spoken in the silence.  Our spirit speaks to God’s spirit in sighs too deep for words.  (Romans 8:26)  The still silence is needed so that we can hear God speak to us, and begin living in this different life.

And then in the silence, we hear the echo of a life well lived.  The echo reverberates off our life, and we live out the legacy.  Many times the echo is a silent awareness.  We see our loved one’s influence in the little things of life we do.  We smile and remember their smile.  Our faith has a foundation in our mom.  Our work ethic is an echo from our dad.  Our love for baking is a reflection from our grandma.  The echo bounces off our lives and others hear the silent echo of those who have influenced our lives.  We live out the legacy in our daily lives and actions.

So as we live into our different life, we begin to become aware of our own silent echoes.  How are we influencing others in our quiet walk with God?  How does our life reflect Jesus to others?

Listen to the silent echoes.

Feeling Your Living

“We live by faith, not by sight.”   2 Corinthians 5:7

“How are you?”  We reply, “Fine.”  “How do you feel?”  “I’m OK.” We usually reply.  Polite answers to questions we know nobody really wants a true answer.  We rarely reply with how we really are feeling.  Feelings.  We all have them.  Feelings are not good or bad.  They are just what life situations creates within us.  I have been more focused recently on feelings – the feelings of others and how to express in words the emotions within my own soul.

When I counsel, I ask clients, “What are you feeling today?”  “How is life going for you?”  I am wanting to go deeper than the surface answer of “fine.”  Fine is a non-word to me that has no meaning.  It is said more to please the other person and deflect our true emotions.

I recently visited a cemetery where my friend’s parents are buried.  Memories of childhood and his parents were expressed as we walked the cemetery.  Then I began to read the feelings expressed on tombstones – the love, the sadness, the thankfulness, and the legacy of a life well lived.  In reading loving tributes, I had other feelings of life that continues past the cemetery.  At death, our feelings are intense, and we think we will always feel the same and never experience love this way again.  We pour our heart into expressing our love and chisel it in stone.  This love will always be part of our foundation forever just like it will be forever engraved in the stone.

Feelings change on the journey and in different seasons of life.  Feelings are how we react to life.  We usually live how we feel.  If we feel sad, all of life feels depressing around us.  If we feel tired, we tend to have no energy for even things we enjoy.  Feelings can consume us if we allow them.  Sometimes, we need to say to ourselves, “I feel sad right now, and I will allow myself to feel it for a moment.  Then I can go and enjoy something for a moment and mingle joy with my sadness.”

How do we continue to live even though we feel consumed with our grief?  I believe we need to express and acknowledge the feelings we have on our journey.  It is admitting we feel sad, unsettled, frustrated, numb, agitated, overwhelmed, angry, and the vast array of feelings too numerous to name.  Nobody can tell you not to feel an emotion.  It is who you are and how you feel.  When someone feels negative toward us, we take it personally and need to recognize it is their feeling and mood right now.  You need not absorb it nor try to fix it.  It is recognizing you will have different feelings throughout each day.  Give yourself permission to feel, but not be consumed by the feelings. 

We need to give thought to our feelings.  “I feel this way because…”  Naming the feeling and recognizing why we feel that way, helps us accept and deal with the feeling.  It also allows us to release it and not stuff it down inside.  Feelings do not just go away.  We feel deep love and it abides in us and becomes a part of us.  Feelings without thought and reason can lead us down an unhealthy path, but feelings can also open us up to new opportunities.

What if we change our focus from the feelings that control us to feeling the life we now have?  That is, to be all in and embrace the life we now have.  It is not the life you originally chose or dreamed of having, but it is the life you now have.  Feel the life.  Feel the new experiences.  Feel the new you.  Allow yourself to feel – to feel good, to feel love, to feel joy, to feel hope.  We tend to focus on the negative feelings in grief and remember only how we used to feel.  We focus on feeling so alone.  Grief leaves us alone.  It is a real feeling, and we live in this loneliness.  What if on the journey somewhere, we chose to feel life again?  We may not see it right now, but we are called to live by faith.  Trust God will help you feel life and live into it.

Discombobulated Life

“Peace, I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

I recently talked with a widow who described her current emotion as agitation.  I consulted the dictionary for a definition and found numerous words describing what it means to be agitated - flustered, ruffled, perturbed, disturbed, unsettled, bothered, troubled, jittery, and beside oneself.  But the one word that jumped off the page to me was “discombobulated.”  Not a word we use daily, but a word that describes the confusion and agitation that comes with life situations and grief.

I have felt discombobulated on the journey not knowing which direction to go and how to take the next steps into this different life.  I have been confused by why God would bless me so much and then it be taken away.  Upset by a new path that did not go where I thought it would go.  Troubled that I was back into this lonely space again only to be rattled by a new possibility to live into a different and unexpected life.

Discombobulated is a unique word to spell and pronounce (I keep writing it so you can keep saying it).  It represents how unique and difficult this journey can be when life does not go as planned.  Even as we begin to accept that “it is what it is,” new situations occur that confuse us.  It is knowing God is working in our lives and has a plan, but we feel unsettled as we wait and attempt to figure out this new chapter.

When we are discombobulated, we are confused and unsettled.  We know life will never be the same.  The unsettling is more within us.  My soul begins to feel the depth of change, and I long for peace to reside deep within me.  We are unsettled with who we are and who we are becoming.  We may not even recognize ourselves in the mirror or how we are currently existing.  Our head knows there is more to life than just existing, but our heart struggles with letting go and releasing the past.  We become irritated at others who have the life we desire or those who constantly talk about their past as if we did not experience a deep loss too.

As I have walked into this new chapter of life, I have been flustered in how to deal with other people’s past and emotions toward loved ones.  I get perturbed and have had to accept some things will never change.  How others deal with grief and hold on to certain things can rattle you and lead to questioning yourself.  Are you being too pushy or too sensitive?  When you tell someone, it bothers you and they still do it or do not change it, I am learning to let it go and change my focus.  We are unsettled in the process of leaving the past and all that it represents.  It takes time to find the peace of the present and to live in the now and focus forward.

Jesus comes to give us peace.  The opposite of agitation and discombobulated is calmness and peace.  This is our heart’s desire to find peace and calm in this new life.  The only way I have found to do this, is to change my focus from the pain and loss to Jesus and his presence.  I cannot change the past, but I can accept and release myself to live in the present.  My focus is to glorify God and be who God created me to be.  To find every day something to be thankful for and to settle my soul in the One who is always present with me – Jesus. 

Navigating The Unknown

“You have hard these things; look at them all.  Will you not admit them?  From now on I will tell you of new things, of hidden things unknown to you.”   Isaiah 48:6

I visited the National Cemetery in Culpeper, Virginia.  The white grave markers lined the rolling hillside.  One section had 912 numbered markers of unknown soldiers killed in the Civil War.  A hushed silence filled the air as I walked among the markers.  No names were on the stones – just numbers.  These soldiers were unknown to the world as they were buried but known to God.  They each had a name and a family, but at death, no earthly marker designated their existence.  Their remains were given the respect of burial, but their legacy was not recorded.

I then attended a wedding where I did not know the bride or groom.  I knew only three people at the ceremony initially.  I had to navigate the unknown and figure out relationships and how to interact in this different space.  My personality is just to talk to people and ask questions about them.  They begin to share, and I begin to learn about new people.  I am comfortable meeting new people and adapting to most social situations.  This has developed over time and experience. 

Navigating the unknown of life after a death is a difficult step on the journey of grief.  The life we have known is gone, and we feel different.  We feel like the world does not know who we are now.  We are expected to continue living the life we have been living before our lives were turned upside down.  It is impossible to find security and safety on this path anymore.  The one who helped us navigate is no longer here.  We have to walk alone.  We fear messing it up or choosing the wrong path.

As I have discovered on my own journey, navigating family and familiar relationships is now different.  We begin certain relationships because of our loved one and now when our loved one is not present and at the center of these relationships, we wonder how the connection will continue.  For some, we decide if the season of togetherness is complete. They were part of our past and were more connected to our loved one. For others, we need to make the connection about ourselves, not our loved one.  We need to develop our own relationship.  We get to choose how and if we continue to be involved in these relationships.

In the case of in-laws, we may ask, “Am I still part of the family?”  You may experience the letting go because you are not “blood” related.  This is when you take God’s hand and release them.  You give thanks for the season of life and move forward with other relationships.  You will grieve this change and then need to navigate through the emotions of another loss.  For others, they will still regard you as family, but you will feel different without your loved one present amid this relationship.  It is the unknown again.  So you focus on each event and make the choice whether to be involved or not.  You take one step at a time into the present and future and determine which relationships are healthy for you.  Remember, your life has dramatically changed in the dailyness of life while their lives are affected but not on a daily basis.  You need to choose who is healthy for you, and who enhances your life.

I have learned my relationship with God has changed too.  I rely even more on God for all the unknowns.  God is my safety and security and my guide who helps to navigate through this different life.  God assures me that He will always be with me.  I have a choice who I allow in my heart and life.  I have a choice to close relationships and recognize they were part of my life for a season.  I get to choose when and with whom I interact and share life.  Sometimes, I have to navigate these unknown areas of relationships and life, but I know God will be my guide and my security.  Even if I do not know, God does. I trust Him.

Foundation Shifting

“So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the traditions that you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by our letter.” 2 Thessalonians 2:15

I officiated at the burial of the cremains of my dear friend, Ray and his wife.  Ray has been a signpost in my life, guiding me and encouraging me in ministry.  I walked the journey with both of them into Heaven.  As the taps were played and the American flag was folded, I felt the closure of Ray’s life on earth.  His body was now contained in the urn as ashes, and it returned to the earth.  My foundation of life feels stronger knowing Ray’s body is part of this earth, but his spirit and love are added to my heart and spirit.  My foundation is firmer with each saint I release to Heaven.

While the sadness of loss is intense and inevitable each time, I am thankful to have loved and connected with dear saints.  I am beginning to understand that who I am and the strength and confidence I have is based on all the people who are part of my foundation.  Their love, legacy, and influence mixes within me, and I stand firmer in the face of life. 

After the burial, I visited the cemetery where my husband, Dave is buried.  As I stood beside the grave, I realized the sadness had turned to thanksgiving.  He is part of my firm foundation of life.  I know I will never sink because of his love and influence that has made me a stronger and more confident person.  I also visited the grave of my dear friend, Ruth, who instilled in me independence, a strong voice, and a joy for life.  My foundation is stronger and more resilient because of Ruth.  I miss each one but give thanks for their life.  Therefore, the sadness of my grief has turned into the joy of thankfulness.

As I mourn and give thanks for one life and released him to Heaven, I received the call that two other friends from my years in ministry are beginning the journey to Heaven.  I also have begun the grief journey with several who have recently lost their spouse.  My view of grief continues to evolve and change over the years of experience.  Grief is the emotion of loss.  The intensity of grief changes through the journey.  As we release our loved one and allow them to be part of our foundation of life, the grief transforms into thanksgiving.  We give thanks for the privilege of our loved one being in our life and adding to the meaning and purpose of life.

As our foundation is filled with all this love from those who have touched our lives, we begin to take steps into life having a sturdy foundation to support us.  I find myself willing to try new adventures because of this firm foundation of love and support.  I know I am never alone.  Those who have poured their life and love into me have also had Jesus as their foundation which has drawn me even close to Jesus.  Jesus is the solid rock upon which I stand.  My foundation for life is firm and rooted deep in Jesus and in all those whom I have loved.

Grief turns us upside down, and it feels like we are sinking with no sure footing or foundation.  Nothing feels right.  Nothing is normal.  It seems too difficult to take steps each day so we exist in the same place.  As reality of life gets clearer and we begin to accept that life will be different, we can begin to live in this different.  As we do, we take a step and feel the foundation of love that was always there but now is firmer because our loved one is now a part of this foundation.  We see it clearer and am willing to take steps into living.  We begin to build a new and different life on this love foundation.  Grief is turned upside down and we have a firm foundation with Jesus and the love of all those who have influenced and poured life into us.  Begin walking forward on this foundation of love.

Grieving Into Hope

“But we are hoping for something we do not have yet, and we are waiting for it patiently.”  Romans 8:25

My niece texted me and asked for my Grandma’s Pineapple cookie recipe.  Immediately, I could smell and taste those delicious morsels, and they always had her special touch – her homemade glaze.  The day was beautiful with a blue sky and white fluffy clouds as we walked the park.  I gazed into the sky and the cloud above me looked like a dog lying on its back with its feet in the air, and I thought of my mom and how she taught me to look for shapes in the clouds.  I read the obituary of a Sturtz cousin and felt her love and the legacy she passed on to everyone she touched.  She made a difference in this world. 

All of these memories filled me with hope and made me smile.  While I miss my mom and Grandma, I no longer feel the deep pain of loss and grief.  When I think of them, I feel their love and recognize their influence and the foundation of my life that is built on their faith and love.  The legacy of their lives is reflected in my life.  Their lives have given me hope.

In the journey of grief, we have moments we lift ourselves out of the depth of sorrow and loneliness and revealed to us is a hope of a hope.  The cloudiness of grief parts for a moment and we see a possibility of hope.  We may not feel hopeful at that moment, but we know someday hope will come into our life.  Someday we will look forward to living moments with meaning and purpose.

As the journey continues, we deal with the stuff of life and our loved one’s possessions.  We may create a memory box of little treasures from our loved one’s life.  These mementos remind us they lived, and we experienced life with them.  We also have an emotional memory box filled with so many feelings.  These come out of the box at times from the triggers of life.  This box is filled with layers of sadness, the past, grief and lined with loneliness.  It is a box we live in for a period of time.  The box has no hope.  It just pulls us into a deep longing for the past.  It creates an emptiness within us.  All the emotions in the box define the intensity of grief.  The emotional box defines us for a period of time.  It is familiar and how we believe we keep our loved one alive within us.  We stay stuck here and exist as if this is all there is to life.

Then we get a glimpse of a moment of hope – a moment where we see life could be different.  That hope of a hope emerges as we attempt to go through grief and leave it in the past.  But how do we get through the darkness and depth of grief and experience light and hope?

For me, the only way has been to walk closer to God each day.  It is trusting God is with me even when I do not feel His presence.  It is believing God is comforting me, giving me rest, and re-focusing my life.  It is beginning to take steps into living.  It is seeing that life can be different and still have meaning and purpose.  It is releasing my husband to live in Heaven and closing the emotional box of pain.  I know there will be moments of emotion the rest of my life, and the box will be opened but just for moments.  I no longer exist in the past but live in the present with hope.  It is finding who I am now.  I am further down the path of life because of those I have loved who have influenced and poured into me.

I am beginning to comprehend that the opposite of deep grief is hope.  Hope is looking forward to something I expect to happen.  I now expect God to walk with me each day and help me live in the present.  Life is different.  I do not need to stay in the intensity of grief and despair.  I am not betraying my loved one.  I am acknowledging a completion of life and a change in location to Heaven for my loved one.  I am getting out of the emotional box of grief and focusing on the hope of life.

Whispering The Sound of Silence

“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  Let him sit alone in silence when he has laid it on him.”   Lamentations 3:26, 28

My morning run is my prayer time.  I talk and listen to God in this quiet time.  Last week God gave me a song.   A song I have not thought about in years nor have I listened to in a long time.  It was “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel.   The first verse states –

“Hello darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains

Within the sound of silence 

Silence – the absence of sound.  It is the avoidance of mentioning or discussing something.  Silence is the state of standing still.  Grief is filled with silence.  Our lives have been silenced to what we have known and desired.  It feels like we are standing still as we grieve because nothing seems to change or get better.  We still miss our loved one.  We still feel the sadness and aloneness.  Avoidance surrounds our silence.

The darkness of grief becomes familiar like an old friend.  We do not like the darkness that grief brings into our lives, but it connects us to our past life.  Darkness becomes easier to tolerate when we exist only in the past.  Soon it becomes a familiar friend – the place we retreat to each day as we attempt to remember our past life and recreate the memories.  We exist in this darkness not knowing there could be light.  We silence all our emotions except for sadness and pain.  We just exist in the emotional darkness.

The song states “no one dared disturb the sound of silence.”  This is the journey of grief that is difficult to navigate.  How do we disturb this silence?  A silence that has become a friend but no longer is comforting.  The whispers begin within us.  How do we communicate what is really going on inside of us and move beyond what we think we are supposed to feel and be or what others think  and admit to ourselves who we really are and what we now desire in life.  The sound of silence is our lack of communication with ourselves.  The whisper that is deep within our souls.

We hear sounds around us.  People voicing their opinions and suggestions on how we should think and feel and live.  We listen to others on the journey and hear the words of wisdom and experience, but how do we disturb our own inner silence? 

There is a vision within our souls that remains through grief.  A vision of hope amid the darkness and sadness.  A hope to live again.  We silence this hope because it seems impossible to experience life without our loved one, but the dream remains.  We exist through days of loneliness, emptiness and rehearsing over and over again our past.  The memories remain.  The life we lived is completed.  We desire to live into this different life.  We see other people living and enjoying life but to disturb our inner silence seems impossible.

Then an inner whisper is heard – “there is more to life.”  I believe God’s Spirit whispers in our souls and brings light into our darkness and hope into our sadness.  The whisper calls us to rest in God’s presence.  The sound of silence is a rest from the pain and grief and a gentle whisper of hope.  The whisper comes from within us.  It has been planted in our brain from God that there is more to this life.  Listen to the sound of silence within you.

Too Close The Same

“If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation.  The old things have gone; everything is made new.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

In my recent updates of my condo, I chose paint colors based on the name of the paint and how it would accentuate my furnishings.  Recently, I was looking through pictures of a previous house, and I realized I had chosen close to the same colors of paint.  It was familiar and comfortable before and it continues to be what fits my style.  When I went shopping, I tend to purchase clothes at the same stores and about the same color and style. 

When I began the grief journey, I found it easier to go to the grocery store and buy the same items each week and eat the same meals over the first several months.  It was mostly healthy foods.  I did not have to make any decisions.  It was familiar and I was fine eating the same thing each day.  I found myself trying to keep the same routine and lifestyle.  It kept me close to the same life I had known.  It was familiar.  The familiarity made it feel like my husband was still with me and I was attempting to live in the past in my present life.  Our grief desires to stay close to the same life we have always known.  This only leads to even more emptiness and pain because no matter how much we try; nothing is the same.

As I have journeyed further down the road, I have come to realize that trying to keep my life too close to the past brings so much more pain because I can never recreate it.  I have learned that different is not bad, it is just different.  My life will never be the same, and I have come to accept that fact.  I also have come to realize I do not want to live close to the same.  When I experience something too close to the same as it was with y husband, it feels like I am betraying the relationship I had.  He has enhanced my life and helped me become who I am now, but the path with him is complete.  I am no longer walking that same path.  I have turned onto another path on this journey of life.

In developing new relationships on this journey, you cannot take one out and insert another and do the same thing.  It will not work.  It will cause frustration, pain, and heartache, and you will feel uneasy and uncomfortable.  Feelings of jealousy may also enter the situation.  It is creating a new and different life and going down a different path.

When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we become a new creation as Paul states in 2 Corinthians.  The old has past, and we are made new.  We cannot stay too close to the same or we will revert back to our old way of life and Jesus will no longer be the center of our lives. 

Therefore, on our grief journey as we attempt to live into life, we need to try new experiences, adventures, and relationships.  When it is too close to the same we compare, feel like we are leaving out our loved one, and we place guilt on ourselves for even trying a new life.  Give yourself permission to be a new creation.  You will never be the same so why not take a step into the different and live a new life.  Your loved one is part of who you are.  God will walk beside you.  When you get too close the same, you will know that you want to treasure that experience and not repeat it.  Take a step in a different direction and try living in today not the past.

Permeated With Peace

“The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”  Psalm 29:11

This past week I ran in the rain.  It began as a gentle rain, but then turned into a downpour part way into the run.  I was already soaked so I continued running.  I heard the thunder in the distance and as I arrived home, I saw the lightning on the horizon. It was quite the storm when I looked outside my window.  I was thankful to be home and to make it safely through the storm.  It was a choice for me to run, but not a choice to encounter the downpour.  It was just a part of the journey.  My clothes were soaked, and the dampness permeated through to my skin.  It took all day for my shoes to dry. 

As I was running, a song was playing in my mind – “I Can See Clearly Now” –

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day.” 

I wondered why God had given me this song amid the pouring rain.  As I pondered this, I knew the rain would end sometime in the day and the sun would shine again.  It reminded me of the journey of grief.  Grief permeates our souls and soaks through every fiber of our being.  Every part of our lives is affected by this deep loss and pain.  The cloud of darkness blinds us to living and having any hope of a normal life.  We attempt to follow our old routine, and all the obstacles get in our way.  We feel overwhelmed.  It feels like the clouds will always be present without any hope of a bright, sunny day within our souls.

Sometimes we need to allow the rain of grief to permeate our souls and feel the pain and loss.  It will soak through our body and fill us with fear and a lack of focus.  The idea we will ever be happy and find hope and brightness in life, seems far beyond our reach. We will just be soaked in the sadness for the rest of our lives.  Give yourself permission to feel the grief and loss and sadness.  Allow it to permeate your soul.  You have loved deeply and been given the gift of experiencing love.  The love has soaked through you, and you have absorbed this love into the foundation of your being.  It is a part of who you are.

Now, on the journey you begin to recognize that the clouds and fog of grief are beginning to lift, and you are attempting to see life beyond the obstacles and hurts and intense pain of being alone in your grief.  God is permeating your soul with His love and His peace.  You long for peace – a contentment in the life you now have.  Peace does not mean everything is fine.  Peace just means you allow God’s Spirit to “soak” you with His presence amid the uncertainties of life.  Peace is changing your focus from the pain and loss to God’s presence.  It is attempting to live in moments.  To live in the present knowing God is with you.  It does not mean you forget the gift of love and the memories.  It just means you allow God’s presence and peace to run through your life.  This is the life you now have.  Allow God to walk with you and fill you with His presence and peace.  Your life is different now and how you feel and see life is different.  Find peace in this difference.  Allow the peace of God to permeate your soul.

Thoughts At The Beach (Copy)

“GOD called the dry ground land and the gatherrdnwatersnhe called seas. And Godmsaw that it was good.” Genesis 1:10

As the sun rises in the east, the sky is filled with the glory of God. A new day has begun - a day with potential. Our attitude and outlook determine the day. Life is different and not what we expected it to be. This is the day that God has made and to rejoice in it means a change of focus. We cannot change the past and what has happened. We can only strive to live into today.

The beach has brought reflections to my soul. I have watched the waves crash on the shore smoothing the sand. Some waves are stronger and come quickly, while others come more gently, but they still come. Life keeps coming no matter what the storm. Life does not stop even though the storm of loss and heartache has occurred. The waves are always a part of the ocean just as grief and loss are a part of life. We just learn to accept it as part of love and life. We accept that waves will always happen because of the wind and the tides. It is part of what makes the ocean and beach. So if we accept grief and loss as part of life, we learn to live in it and through it. I watched the little birds run frantically up and down the beach trying to avoid the waves while searching for food. They seemed to be in such a hurry. Sometimes as we try to find our way, we attempt to keep so busy rushing from one thing to another, hoping it will fill the emptiness of our hearts. Sometimes we just need to slow down and rest and give ourselves permission to grieve, to refocus and to change the direction of our lives. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves and make ourselves a priority. As I walked the beach, I encountered people sitting in beach chairs, under umbrellas not aware of me at all. Others were walking and passed by me or were coming toward me. Still others, mostly children and parents, were playing at the shore line where I was walking. Many of the children said hello and smiled and we had a moment of connection at the beach. This reminded me of trying to find a connection in this different life. Some people just go back to their own lives and ignore your struggle. Some people move farther away from you not knowing what to do or say. Others see you, acknowledge your loss and try to hurry you through it so that they don't have to feel the reality and hurt of loss. But others in their childlike care, provide a smile and kind word and connect with you for a moment on the journey. The sunshine has warmed my body and soul. Just as God's Son, Jesus, walks with us on the journey filling us with His presence and connecting with us in our present moment. The Beach speaks of God's presence and beauty in the storms of life. God walks with us as we leave our footprints in the sand and in life. Trust as the waves move in you that God is with you in this day and moment. Look for thr beauty in the memories and in the life you now have. Live into this different life.

Living Into Life

“This is how God showed his love to us:  He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through him.”    I John 4:9

I shared dinner with my siblings this past week, and we talked about memories of growing up.  We each had different memories and our perspective on events had a different slant, but we laughed together as we shared these memories of our childhood.  I was asked by a friend this week what were my earliest memories of childhood.  My first thoughts were of my Grandma and her home.  I immediately could walk in my mind through my Grandma’s house and see everything on the walls, the furniture, her chair with her Bible beside it, all her salt and pepper shakers in her china cabinet, her kitchen and the cookie container.  I could even smell her homemade soap, her cookies, and the smell of spring through her windows.  The memories of my Grandma and her house filled me with happiness and a feeling of comfort.  I loved my Grandma and continue to love her in my heart.  I was living for a moment in these memories, and they filled me with life and joy.

Oh, the memories that flood our souls as we think of our loved ones.  We remember life with them, and the challenges shared that created this life.  It was a life, and we were living in it believing this would be our life forever.   Then life changed.  Our hopes and dreams were shattered.  We will no longer live that life. 

Our grief slows down our living, and we exist and survive moment by moment for awhile.  It takes everything within us to just make it through the day and complete the necessary tasks of life.  We are walking an unfamiliar path without focus and purpose.  We feel alone wondering haphazardly through the maze of each day.  We are surviving barely without meaning and purpose, but we have a routine to follow and think that should be enough.  We are existing.

In this journey, we begin to believe just existing in survival mode is not enough.  We desire to live, but all we know is the life we used to have, and it does not exist.  Living to us means the life we had with our loved one.  Living is more than the past; it is also the present.  We need to live in moments, to allow ourselves moments of actual living.  Living means we are present in what is happening around us, and we are present with people and with ourselves.  We can live even if we are alone because we are never alone.  God is always with us.  God is always living in us, around us and goes before us.

As we journey further down the road and ponder the idea of living into life again, we wonder how we take this step.  We have a desire to not just exist in our old routine, but it has become so familiar though empty.  We want to live into life, but taking the risk seems so overwhelming.  We may even begin thinking about things we want to do and places we want to visit and people we want to see.  It is like a “bucket list” toward living the life you now have.  It is not the life you chose, but the memories of the past can still fill your heart with joy.  These memories are alive in you.  They give you life and hope and joy if you allow these memories to focus you forward not just back into the sorrow and loss.

Living into life means taking steps no matter how small to experience this different life.  It is moving toward new opportunities and challenges.  It is holding God’s hand as you navigate a new path in life.  It is taking the memories and experiences of your life with you as your foundation and building upon them.  Living into life will take you in a new direction and God will lead you.  Just take His hand. 

Feeling In The Memory

“Remembering that you cried for me.  I want very much to see you so I can be filled with joy.  I remember your true faith.”    2 Timothy 1:4-5

She shared that her memory is not what it used to be, and that her husband was the one who remembered all the specifics of the events of their lives.  Now that he had passed, she was afraid that she would forget the joys of their life together.  She was trying to remember.  He spent his days reviewing his past life and remembering the details of the life he lived with his wife.  He wrote down what he remembered out of fear if he forgot, then he would be forgetting her. 

Some of us have great recall and memory.  We remember our childhood, our school days, our vacations, our life together with our loved one.  Others of us, struggle with memory and the details seem allusive especially in our grief.  Grief causes a cloudiness in our minds and the fog of loss prevents a clear view of the past and the present.  We fear we will forget, and so we spend so much of our time in the past trying to remember all the events and special days with our loved one.  We believe we need to live in the memories to keep our loved one alive.  While memories are wonderful, living in the memories constantly causes us to exist only in the past and never fully live in the present. 

I have some wonderful childhood memories of my grandma, my parents, my siblings, and my extended family.  While I recall certain events, I do not remember all the details of growing up.  What I do remember is how I felt.  I felt loved and accepted into a family.  When I think of my grandma, I remember her cookies, her house, her faith, and I feel such warmth and joy that she was my grandma.  I feel her as part of my foundation of faith and love.  When I think of my mom, I feel a sense of peace and hope.  She instilled in me a trust in God and a hope.  When I think of my husband, Dave, I remember details of our life together, but those events are no longer my focus.  My emphasis in more on how he made me feel.  I felt loved and safe and secure, and I believed in love and laughter and good.  I felt challenged to grow, and I gained confidence in my abilities and who I am.

As I remember, I have come to believe it is not so much the details of our past that are so important, but how those we loved made us feel.  Our memories of how we felt when we were with them stays within us.  These feelings are integrated into who we are now.  So, when we think of our loved one, we feel within us their love and who we were with them.  It is such a part of us that we do not need to focus on the details of the events.  We just need to remember how we felt with them.  These feelings never leave us.

We also remember our sadness and grief with our loss.  We remember how we felt and the intensity of our emotions.  At first, we want to remember all the details of the death and relive it over and over again.  We stay in these feelings and the weight seems unbearable.  We feel the memories of the pain.  Existing in these feelings keep us stuck in the grief.  We remember our tears and wonder if these feelings will ever change.  It is transitioning these feelings from pain and sadness to feelings of memories of how we felt with our loved one.  These memory feelings fill us with a sense of meaning that our loved one gave to our lives. 

Allow yourself to feel, to remember how you felt with your loved one.  Those feelings are still within you.  You felt them in the past and you can feel them now in the present.  These feelings are your foundation and give you strength to live in the present.  The feelings will always remain a part of who you are and will give you strength to live in today and truly begin to live the life God has for you now.

Laughter In The Soul

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.”  Job 8:21

I had dinner with a group of widows this past week, and the evening was filled with laughter.  They said how good it felt to laugh and not focus on the loneliness.  For a few hours, life was filled with joy and their souls overflowed with laughter.  I talked recently with a woman whose daily life is chaotic, but she shared an evening with her closest friends and laughter filled the room and her soul.  The daily life of each of these ladies had not changed, but they each had moments of joy and laughter.  I have laughed more recently with a friend and my soul feels relaxed and free.

Laughter and grief are rarely partners.  Laughter is good medicine.  It has been documented in medical studies that people who laugh daily and focus on happy moments tend to recover quicker from surgeries and illnesses.  When we laugh, our whole body feels the moment of good.  Mixing grief and laughter seem contradictory.  Joy and sorrow need to mingle together and provide balance in our daily living.  It does not mean we forget; it just means for a moment we experience life at its fullest.

When we live only in the pain and sorrow of our grief, we forget the joy of the relationship we had with our loved one.  We need to remember the laughter we shared together.  My husband, Dave, would begin to tell a story, and get tickled about the story and begin to laugh before he could share the entire story.  I would begin to laugh not at the story, but how he got tickled and laughed at himself.  It still brings a smile to me.  Our memories have so many happy moments.  The bad fads and the good remains.  We remember the difference our loved one made in our life and the impact they made to those around them.  We remember the feeling of being with them.

Laughter comes from deep within our souls.  It is a feeling of inner joy in a moment.  People have all different types of laughter.  The sounds of laughter can be loud and bold or muffled and quiet, but it still comes from deep inside our souls.  When we express the laughter, it releases the tension and anxiety and brings a sense of peace and contentment.  Laughter is a vital emotion that brings hope and healing.  When it is not a part of our grieving process, we do not give our souls a sense of relief and release from the intensity of pain and sorrow.

We are on the journey to figure out how to live and not just exist in life.  We exist in the past memories and are trying to live in the present.  What can assist this transition is to remember some of the joys of the past.  What made you laugh with your loved one?  What makes you smile when you remember?  Focus on those feelings and allow yourself to smile now as you remember.  Then find friends who are willing to laugh and cry with you at the same time.  Watch a funny movie or show.  Read an elephant joke book.  Look in the mirror and attempt a smile.  These are all moments to add to your journey.  Allow the joys of the past – those feelings to mingle with who you are today.  Find moments to laugh and give yourself permission to feel good for a moment.  Your body needs a break from the sadness. 

Laughter is a gift from God.  It reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously and to laugh at ourselves.  Laughter reminds us we are alive even in the sadness.  Laughter replenishes our soul.  Laughter expresses the inner joy of knowing God is with us on this journey.  Our loved one remains in our heart.  We are loved and released to find joy in the life we now are trying to live.  Today, laugh.  Laugh at yourself and allow the laughter to fill your soul.

Changing Focus

“Why are you looking for a living person in this place for the dead?  He is not here, he has risen from the dead.”     Matthew 24:5-6

The women cam to the tomb on that first Sunday morning after Jesus had been crucified on the cross.  Jesus was dead, and they saw his body laid into a tomb.  The women had walked with Joseph when he had laid Jesus’ body in this tomb.  They had rested the next day on the Sabbath, and now they had come to the tomb on Sunday.  They came in sorrow and grief but were told Jesus had risen from the dead.  Their focus was on death as they walked, but now their focus changed from death to life.  They were confused.  They wanted to believe in life, but their hearts were filled with sorrow and death.

In our grief, our focus is on death and loss.  Our hearts are filled with our own sorrow and pain.  We focus on the emptiness and loneliness of our lives.  Nothing is the same.  This leads us down the road of negativity and despair.  Hope and meaning are allusive.  The plans and dreams from our lives have faded.  Any happiness has been shattered and our hearts are broken.  Our focus is on the past and what we had.  Life will never be the same. 

We can choose to remain in the box of grief.  Grief will always be a part of us.  The loss never goes away.  The memories remain in our minds and hearts forever.  But grief does not need to remain the main focus of our life.  The box of grief is filled with memories, but also sometimes we focus on reviewing every event leading up to the death and the actual death itself.  We stay in the pain and intensity of the loss and continue to focus only on what life once was.  It seems impossible to exist in any other way.

When we change the focus of our lives, it does not mean we deny the grief.  We just begin to focus more on living and finding meaning and purpose in the life we now have.  It is intentionally living into life.  Sometimes grief becomes comfortable and familiar.  It is all we know since our loved one has passed.  Staying in the familiar is not what we really want but taking a step into the unknown seems impossible, too.

Where is your focus today?  Do you focus on what you no longer have and the life you wanted to continue?  Do you focus on the inability to change the reality of your life?  I have learned to focus on what I have, not on what I do not currently have.  My focus is first on being thankful.  I thank God for the foundation of my life, the relationships I have had and the difference they have made in my life and who I am.  When I focus first on being thankful, I begin to see the blessings of life.  It is not that I deny the loss and grief and pain, but it is not my first focus.

Society focuses on the negative and the problems and the brokenness of the world.  We all see it and hear it daily especially if you turn on the news.  This will feed your grief and pain.  Change your focus.  Read God’s Word first.  Give thanks for what you have and who you are.  It is not that we are denying the pain and heartache.  It is not making it your first thought and focus.  You cannot deny the loss and how your life has changed.  You cannot change what happened.  It is what it is, so how do you live into the life you now have? 

Easter is a time of hope.  Jesus died for our sins.  He was laid in a tomb, but that is not the end of the story.  Jesus is alive.  His resurrection gives us hope of eternal life with Him in Heaven, and it gives us hope for our current life.  This hope allows us to focus not only on death but on life.  Life will be different but different is not bad, it is just different.  Start changing your focus to Jesus and the hope of life He gives. I am changing my focus.  I am focusing on the good and finding moments of peace and joy.  I am focusing on what God has for me, not on what others think or expect.  My focus is Jesus and me.

Turning Toward Life

“Jesus said to her, “Mary.”  Mary turned toward Jesus and said in the Jewish language, “Rabboni.”  (This means Teacher).”     John 20:16

My garage is half full of the items the previous owner did not want.  I agreed to store them until the “Trash to Treasure” sale at the Church, but they are becoming overwhelming to me.  It is time to purge them from my home and all the items that I do not want or like and clean the garage.  It is time to start over and create my space into something different that defines me in this season of life.  I even went through my closet and asked myself on each item, “Do I like this?  Do I even wear it?  Does it make me happy?”  If not, it went into a bag to donate.  It is time to let go.

The stuff of this world can control us and keep us from taking steps into life.  It may seem overwhelming, and you have no clue where to begin.  I believe it is difficult to deal with the stuff when we do not know who we are in this chapter of life.  We do not know what we like, so how can we decide whether to keep something or donate it?  We first, need to figure out who we desire to be.  In grief, we recognize we are different.  Life has changed.  We look at life differently and therefore, look at what we possess in a new way.  We also, look at relationships differently.

In our grief, we have tried to live in the memories of the past.  We treasure possessions to keep these memories active and alive.  We sit in our husband’s favorite chair.  We smell our wife’s perfume.  We stay surrounded by our past hoping it will bring comfort to our pain and loneliness.  It takes time to grieve.  We need to remain in the place of comfort until it becomes uncomfortable.  Until we desire to live and experience more life.  How does this even seem possible?  How do we turn toward life?

I believe in our sorrow and grief it is difficult to see Jesus standing before us just like Mary Magdalene did not see Jesus.  Mary was grieving at the tomb and did not expect Jesus to be alive.  But when Jesus called her name, she turned toward Jesus and truly saw Him.  Do you see Jesus in your grief?  In your daily life?

We do not expect Jesus to walk with us on our grief journey.  All we see and feel initially is pain, sorrow, heartache, and hopelessness.  We feel that our life has ended.  This is when Jesus calls to us to turn toward Him and allow Him to comfort us and be our companion on the journey.  And like Mary, we will find life if we turn toward Jesus.

To turn toward life is to find a new purpose and meaning to your life.  It is finding who you are and that life does move forward.  It is believing that God is still good, and God still loves you and wants you to live.  It will not be the life you thought it was going to be, but it will be a life in which Jesus is present.  Turning toward life is an intentional decision.  It is choosing to live not exist, to hope and to believe that a new chapter of life is possible.

Turning toward life involves a release of the life we had when we felt whole and complete.  It is a closure to making any more memories in that chapter of life.  It is embracing that love and life as our foundation on which we can now develop a different life.  It is turning to Jesus and allowing Jesus to walk us through into this next chapter of life.  Turn toward life and begin living in moments.  Live in the present.

Trust In The Darkness

“Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5

I walked into my office without turning on the light.  I trusted that I remembered where everything was, and I would not trip over anything before reaching the lamp.  I was in the dark only a short time before turning on the lamp.  Darkness.  We experience the darkness in the evenings when the sun goes down.  We experience darkness when the electricity goes out.  We need darkness to see the stars and the moon.  In all these, we trust and believe light will come – the electricity will be restored, and the sun will come up again in the morning.

Trust is a firm belief, an acceptance, a confidence and a certainly.  Trust is earned but can also be destroyed in a relationship.  The moment you know you trust someone is a moment of certainty.  To trust is to take a risk and accept what we believe is actually true.  I have trusted people in my life.  Sometimes they were not who I thought they were or they did something that broke my trust and belief in them.  Then there have been people in my life I have trusted completely from the moment I met them or remember them coming into my life and they never broke this trust.

When grief enters our world, it feels like trust is destroyed.  We trusted that our loved one would always be with us.  We trusted God to take care of our loved one.  We trusted that life would be good and fair, and that love would be forever.  But darkness came and took away our trust.  With this darkness came an empty, lonely, and overwhelming feeling.  It seems that grief becomes more intense when the sun goes down and the darkness of the evening surrounds us.  This may have been the time we spent each day with our loved one enjoying the evening together, and now we are all alone.  We can allow the darkness to consume us, or we can trust God in this darkness.

In these evenings over the years is when I have reached out in the darkness and trusted that God was with me.  It was in these quiet and lonely moments that I gave myself permission to grieve – to cry, to get angry, to yell, to curl up in a fetal position and sob, and to just be still and numb.  We need the darkness that grief brings to express these deep feelings and emotions that we hide from the light of day.  This is a place we try to avoid but is needed in the grieving process – to actually release what we build up inside of us.  It is trusting that God hears our hearts in the darkness and cares.  In these dark evenings, it is spending time drawing closer to God.  It is taking Jesus’ hand and just being in His presence.  Words are not needed.  Jesus listens to our hearts.  Just trust that God is with you in the darkness of the evening and the darkness of your soul.

Do you trust yourself?  In grief, I realized my decision-making was not as sharp and clear at times.  My mind was cloudy and sometimes I made decisions without thinking through every aspect of the choice.  When I depend only on my own understanding, I do not make the best decisions.  Proverbs states that we need to “trust in the Lord with all our heart.”  In our grief and steps toward life, we want to trust God but are not always sure God is there.  We feel the darkness surrounds us, but we want to trust that God is somewhere in the darkness of our days.  It is trusting God in the darkness of our souls even when nothing feels right.  It is trusting even when we do not believe until we believe.

God has been faithful.  God is faithful.  God will always be faithful.  I am learning to trust.  I need to trust just for today.  Just in this moment.

Checking Off Grief

“Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”   Psalm 30:5

I write a “Things To Do” list most days.  It always feels good to cross something off my list especially things I will not need to do again.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and my day has purpose when I mark things off the list.  Some of the “things to do” are routine like “do laundry” but other things like “write the talk for my Lenten Lunch Speech” are just a onetime event.

In grief, we wish a checklist could be followed.  We could go through an emotion or feeling and be done with it and never revisit it again.  We could mark it off the list and feel our day was productive and we were moving forward.  There never seems to be a completion to the grief and the emotions surrounding it.

I have been pondering my own grief especially my journey over the past seven years.  The loneliness and intense sadness were overwhelming in the first part of my grief.  I kept busy with work but felt empty because I did not have my person who made life fulfilling and complete.  The grief for my mom was more intense because I did not have her for support.  I had to figure out who I was now.  Relationships felt empty.  Then I tried something that did not bring fulfillment.  I felt like I checked that off my list.  I tried, and it was not what I wanted or needed so it never needed to be on the list again.

While we would like to check off grief and all the emotions and feelings that come with it, and not have to walk through it again, that is not how grief works.  We grieve each relationship and who we were in that relationship.  We experience different emotions at different steps on the journey.  Sometimes, those feelings come back and we revisit them over and over again, and sometimes we work through them.  We may come to an acceptance of the reality of life.  We cannot rush through nor deny the grief, but also do not need to stay stuck in the grief.

If we begin to use the checklist as a marker for growth and taking steps of living, we sometimes feel we are leaving behind our loved one.  That is why we stay in the past memories and grief.  It is familiar and comfortable remembering but it is also empty and unfulfilling.  We do not accomplish anything but exist in the pain and heartache.  We will always remember and tell the stories.  We are who we are because we walked the journey of life with our loved one.  They are part of the foundation of our life.  We lived because of them and can live because of them now.

I have begun to see our grief list not so much as completion of the past, but as things to attempt and try on this journey of life we now have.  It is not so much a bucket list, but a living not existing list.  How can I live today?  What can I do to live in a moment today where pain and loss are not central?  It is recognizing who you are in other relationships.  I recognized I was still an Aunt, still a sister, still a cousin, still a friend, still a counselor.  While I am different because of loss, and I interact differently, I still have these relationships.  So my checklist became how can I live in these relationships?

God has walked with us in the deep grief and crying, and God knows we will have moments of these emotions throughout our lives.  God also gives to us joy.  Joy does not mean everything in life is now perfect and good.  Joy is an inner peace and contentment in the midst of the trials and troubles of life.  Joy is our reliance on God to bring good out of the bad and to find moments of joy in the pain and sorrow.

Signpost To Heaven

“And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”  John 14:3

This past week, my dear 98-year-old friend, Ray, took the journey home to Heaven.  Ray has been my dear friend for over 30 years.  Ray was in a share group with my husband, Dave for many years.  I first met Ray through the Emmaus Walk and one of the churches I served.  Ray was a gentle man and a gentleman.  He lived his faith in how he treated others and how he responded to the trials of life.  After my husband, Dave, died and Ray’s wife, Dottie died, Ray and I had a bond of grief and faith.  Though Ray was my elder, he looked to me for guidance on the grief journey.

Ray was a storyteller.  His experiences of life were vast and made an impact on his direction in life.  Ray talked often about the signposts of his life.  He regarded the people who had given him guidance and direction along the path of life as signposts.  A signpost tells us where we are and how far it is to the next location.  Ray recognized that relationships with others was the key to life.  What path you took, depended on who you followed and who you listened to on the journey.  Ray found people who guided him along the path of life and enhanced his life.

Ray and I had a mutual respect for one another.  I have always respected my elders and learned from their stories, experiences, and wisdom.  But because I had walked the journey of grief with the loss of my husband, Ray turned to me for support.  And in these past months, Ray and I spent many hours talking about Heaven and what that journey would be like for him.  We talked about many of the people who had strengthened his faith and been a signpost of growth for him.  We talked about those who are now in Heaven waiting for him.

As I walked the path of dying with Ray, even in his strong faith and belief in Jesus, anxiousness occurred.  We believe and trust, but we do not know exactly how the transition from this world to heaven occurs.  God has blessed me with an understanding of the spiritual dying process and the ability to comfort others.  In Ray’s words, God uses me as a signpost to guide others to Heaven.  Jesus prepares the place – Heaven - and comes to take us home.  We need a guide to direct us to Jesus.  Ray wondered who Jesus would bring to be a signpost of guidance to Heaven.  My response to Ray was that I hoped it would be my husband, Dave, who would come with Jesus.  Ray smiled at that possibility.

As we reflect on our loved one’s transition to Heaven, we wonder what they saw and who guided them on this path.  I believe Jesus took their hand as they breathed their last breath on earth and took their first breath in Heaven.  And as your loved one like Ray, entered Heaven, they heard the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of your Master.”  After they were hugged by Jesus and worshipped him, I believe they saw the people who had been signposts for their lives – those who had guided them along the path of life that led to Heaven.

Ray has been and will always be a signpost for my life.  His positive attitude toward life and never focusing on the negative, has helped me to change my focus.  His love and belief in me and God’s calling on my life has encouraged me to be bold in God’s strength.  He has reminded me that the most important part of life is relationships – our relationship with God and with one another.  I will always treasure my friendship with Ray.  His love will live in my heart forever and become part of my foundation for living.  Ray challenges me to be a signpost for others and guide them on this journey of life.

Grief Releasing to Life

“The Lord sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released.”  Isaiah 61:1

I visited the wildlife reserve center in Punta Gorda last year.  The facility has birds of all types that have been injured and nursed back to health.  Sometimes the birds are released back into their natural habitat while others never fully recover enough to be released.  Some injuries like a missing leg or a damaged wing are beyond repair and prevent the birds from surviving in nature.  They need to remain in the safety of the wildlife center where they are given tender care the rest of their lives. 

I have been pondering the word “release.”  To be released means to allow or enable to escape from confinement, to be set free.  In grief, we feel the burden and confinement of our feelings and emotions due to loss.  The loneliness and emptiness of our lives confines us – keeps us stuck.  We feel like we are just going through the motions of the dailyness of life and attempt to find a routine in it.  It is something and the basic tasks of life get accomplished most of the time.

We fear taking steps forward.  We are afraid we will leave the memories and love of our loved one behind.  The grief has been consuming, but we just do not want to keep reliving the pain and heartache.  We know we will never forget our loved one, but we would like the grief to be over.  We are not sure how to live, but we know existing in the grief continuously is overwhelming.

As we attempt to keep close to God on this journey, we know God will not bring back our loved one.  We accept that they have been released from the suffering and pain of this world.  They are free of the burdens of earth and now dwell in the peace of Heaven.  When we release our loved one to Heaven, it takes time to release living constantly in the past and the grief.  We want to remember.  We always will remember them because they are a part of who we are.

On this journey, we release ourselves to live.  We desire not to dwell in the intensity of grief.  This is just existing in the past.  God wants to free us from the guilt, pain and sorrow of the past.  This release is a freedom to live again and maybe love again.  The release is to be set free from the confinement of existing.  It is actually living in the present.  Living in the moments of each day.  It is attempting to find who you are now.

It is also a release of the guilt feelings that occur in our grief.  The guilt that we get to live and begin a new life and our loved one died.  We forget that our loved one is living a new life in Heaven.  Therefore, if they are living, we need to live too.  Guilt sneaks into our hearts too when we try taking steps into living and into relationships.  It whispers, “You will forget your loved one if you take this step.”  Tell guilt it is a liar.  Your loved one is part of your foundation that holds you up.  The relationship is complete on earth and therefore, we can build our lives on the foundation and legacy of that relationship.  It does not hold us back but gives us a firm footing to take steps into life.

Grief can become a prison.  Like the injured birds, we stay in the familiarity of grief.  The pain and sorrow have become our way of life.  The desire to be set free is in tension with the pull to remain in the grief.  This tension keeps us from being released. Our release comes through the Spirit that dwells in us.  God takes us by the hand each step and many times brings others to comfort us.  God works through other people to see hope and life.  Living and finding meaning and purpose in what you now have is the hope of the journey.  This hope begins to emerge as we release the grief and step into the path of living.