Reflecting Forward

“I command you to be strong and brave.  Don’t be afraid, because the Lord your God will be with you everywhere you go.”  Joshua 1:9

A friend is experiencing the first Anniversary of her husband’s death.  She was numb and in shock a year ago, and now she is feeling the intensity of reality.  She survived all the firsts and now she is trying to live forward in this different life.  You think when you make it through the first year that it should be easier now.  Sorry, but not always true.

You survived the first year, which is a huge accomplishment, and then you begin to experience the feelings of reality.  You ask, “Now, who am I?” and “What do I do?”  You have more questions than answers.  Life is so different than you had hoped or expected.  Relationships have changed.  You have changed.  How you view life and what is really important begins to take on a unique perspective.  You just see things through a different lens than you did before loss.  You are more reflective and attempt to make decisions based on what you want or need.  It just feels strange.

This week is the tenth Anniversary of the death of my husband, Dave.  Time is measured by love not years in grief.  It has become a reflective time in my thoughts.  To be reflective is to ponder and think deeply about what has transpired and my decisions, where I have been, and what is now important to me forward.

When life changes, we tend to first reflect on how to just survive and get through the changes, chaos, and hopefully find a sense of peace.  In the beginning, I was just making it through each day and trying to create a new routine.  I was still numb and went through the motions of life.  Some of you may be in this time of reflection.  Give yourself permission to just be.  Your body and mind need time to heal, and I believe God created the feelings of being numb as a time of rest from the chaos and allow your thoughts and body to catch up with each other.  Take the time.

 We are also reflective of the past and focus on regret and guilt.  We beat ourselves up thinking we should have done it differently, we could have been more aware of, and if we had only known, we would have….  We have all lived in this reflective stage and sometimes stay in the “why” questions of what happened.  It is good to reflect and admit to ourselves these feelings.  You cannot change anything by asking the questions or change in your minds what you should have or could have done.  You did not do it, and it is in the past.  Learn from it.  Forgive yourself and others and move forward.  Release the questions.

When our reflections focus on the reality of life and what happened, we begin to feel the intensity of the pain and loss.  It is real.  We cannot escape or deny it.  It is allowing ourselves to feel the pain, the hurt, the heartache, and all the other emotions that come with loss and change.  Feel these feelings and recognize that others around you may not understand, but there are those who have walked the journey who provide the needed support or affirmation that what you are going through is OK.  It is just where you are right now.  It is slowly releasing these emotions and allowing God to walk with you through them.

As I have journeyed through grief, one of the healing times has been my realization that Dave is living in Heaven with Jesus.  He has a new life in the presence of God and is peaceful and content.  When I accepted that he was living in Heaven and I was living on earth, it gave me hope and comfort that life continues in a different form for both of us.  Heaven is real.  Dave saw a glimpse of it before he died and was ready to go home to be with Jesus and those who were in Heaven before him.  It gave me permission to live on earth knowing he was living in heaven.

 As I reflect over the past ten years, I have made decisions that now I wish I had not done, but I give myself grace that my grieving brain made decisions based on thoughts and feelings at the time.  Reflecting backward is clearer than when the decisions were made.  I have learned from them and forgiven myself and asked for forgiveness.  God has redeemed them for good to help others on the journey.

 Reflecting has also brought an acceptance.  It was not what I wanted, but it is what I got.  God has brought good out of the grief.  God has given me a new purpose and direction by helping and counseling others on the grief journey.  God gave me the concept – “living in the different” and the words to write the book on loss and grief – Living In The Different.  My prayer has been that my journey will help another person walk through the grief and live forward into the different life.  Grief goes with us all our lives, but we learn to live with it and incorporate it into our lives.

There will always be sad moments and triggers that makes us more reflective and quiet.  They happen because of love.  Love never dies.  Dave will always be a part of my heart and foundation of my life.  God reminds me every day that his love is with me especially when I read Joshua 1:9 – his favorite scripture, see a hawk, or see 733 on the clock (his unit number). 

I am reflecting forward in life.  I accept that life is what it is.  I cannot change the past.  I can release the past, redeem the past, rejoice in the past, and be grateful for the past.  It is a part of who I am.  I can only live forward with God walking with me.  God is with me and with you everywhere we go.  Live forward into the life you now have.

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Check out my books on Amazon or through my website.

Life Lessons of a Lone Trooper (Stories and memories of Dave)

Living In The Different (Grief and Loss)

Live Different Moments (Living Forward into life)