How to Listen with Grace

When someone tells you something you already know, how do you respond?  Do you say, “Yes, I already knew that.  You don’t have to tell me again.”  You immediately express your knowledge and are quick to let the other person know your superiority.  Your focus is on yourself and your ability to remember and be in the know.  You do not want someone else to be smarter than you.  You put down the other person or quickly shut them down.

Let’s change the response to being more positive.  “Thank you for telling me.”  Or “Yes, that’s interesting.”  You give the person the joy of sharing their information and knowledge.  You keep to yourself what you already know, and you allow the other person to feel good about sharing with you.

Are you quick to let another person know that they have shared the story with you previously and you do not want to hear it again?  “Yes, you already told me that.”  The person continues telling you even though you have acknowledged that this is repetitive.  You become irritated and annoyed.  You do not want to hear the story again.  Let’s take a different approach.  It is giving the person grace.  Memory issues may be involved, or the person just enjoys the story and the memory.  It may define who the person is and what life used to be.

 When you were younger, you may have been quick to discount your parents and grandparents telling stories from their childhood.  You thought they were old and outdated stories.  Now you wish you would have listened to and remembered those stories.  You have an opportunity to listen differently now.  Look for the value in what a person says.  A person’s words and stories reveal who they are, what is important to them, and the value they place on their past and their relationships.

Let’s go back to how you deal with someone who continually repeats stories and only talks about themselves.  It may be a person in your family, your spouse, a dear friend, someone with whom you share life.  You cannot walk away from them.  The person has not changed in all your interactions with them.  You may have tried to share your similar experience only to have them go back to their story and not acknowledge what you shared.  Before you get angry and upset at them, try a different approach.

Give grace.  Listen and ask them questions about what they are sharing.  Engage yourself into the story.  Then in your head tell your own memory or experience that was triggered by their sharing.  It is a self-talk or God-talk your way through.  This way your story is not discarded by anyone, but you have the joy of remembering it and sharing it with God who always cares.  You can smile and the other person thinks their story brought the happiness. 

This is not a way to ignore the other person but a way to deal with the repetitive stories and the self-centeredness of another person.  You know the person will not listen to your version so why get hurt by them.  Share it within your heart and relive your own memory. 

Check out Elaine’s books on her website – www.livinginthedifferent.com.  Great Christmas gifts.  Also available at Tea Story in Upper.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different