Respond to Conflict with Time, Space, Grace

We live in a reactive society where disagreements create separation of family and established friendships. We respond with hostility and words of anger and negativity. Immediately we become defensive and retaliate against the person who has a different view or opinion. We are impulsive and make a quick decision based on our current emotion. A tense situation has been created. We are uncomfortable, and we choose a fight or flight mode. That is, we explode or run away.

What I just described has become normal life for many of you in a variety of relationships and situations. Normal does not make it healthy. Some of your relationships may have become more tense, strained, and you fear they could become explosive. Your desire may be to find a healthy balance and acceptance in your interactions. Let’s try the “Time – Space – Grace” way of dealing with conflicts in relationships.

First, Time. Give yourself time to cool down, reflect on what happened, and determine what you really want and need. Give yourself time to heal from the wound you experienced in the encounter. Give the other person(s) time to slow down and hopefully give thought to their actions. In your time, pray and use self-talk to work through your feelings and why this situation affected you so deeply.

Give Space. Sometimes trying to fix the situation immediately is not the healthiest way because it does not deal with the real issues that caused the situation. You need space away from the emotions to process what was going on inside of you, and to ask yourself does the incident really make a difference in your life? What seemed so vital and important no longer is when you give yourself some space. Space gives you a different perspective. Listen to your heart.

Give Grace. Forgiveness usually does not come immediately in situations that hurt deeply. It takes time. Forgiveness comes from the heart not just a quick “I’m sorry.” Because you are forgiven, you can forgive others. Faith assures you that God forgives and does not hold anything against you. Forgiveness does not make what happened right, it just releases you from the control of the person and situation. Forgiveness gives you the power to not live in the past, not live in guilt, and release the hurt. Grace allows you to let go and not hold on to hurts.

So, life happens. You are hurt by the actions or words of another person. Step away. Give yourself time to reflect and determine the value of the relationship and your reaction. Give yourself space to heal and time away from the person to deal with the emotions that came to the surface. Then give grace to yourself and others. Forgiveness also means letting go of the hurt. Sometimes it is just accepting the person for who he/she is. It is not excusing the person’s actions, but it is not being the judge. It is not your responsibility to work through their emotions. Focus on what you need to do to be healthy and not absorb or try to fix others.

Time. Space. Grace.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different