Living In The Different

Life becomes different when you experience a loss especially the death of a loved one.  Your world totally changes because of your loss.  Life is different.  Your world may have revolved around your loved one especially if it was your spouse.  Life changed for you while it seems everyone else goes on with their lives without much change or thought about you.

You have a hole in your heart and feel empty inside.  You have all this love and nobody to share it with.  It is remembering that love never dies.  The love you shared is still a part of who you are and is your foundation.  It is what holds you up and sustains you in the low times.

Grief is the price of love.  Because you have loved, you will grieve.  Grief gives you a different perspective on life.  What you thought was so important before seems to have very little significance now.  Material possessions and status cannot fill the emptiness.  You begin to accept that you cannot re-create the old life.  It is complete.  You cannot add or take away anything from the life you lived with your loved one.  The love and memories are your foundation.  Nobody can take those away.

Grief feels like you are living in two worlds.  You live in the grief and loss within your heart and behind closed doors.  You may attempt to keep most of the sadness within you and not share it with those who do not understand, or you attempt to hide it from your family so that they do not worry about you.  It is finding those who are grieving too and sharing with those who understand.  You do not need to share your grief with anyone as long as you allow yourself to express it while you are alone and cry it out with God.

People who have not lost a loved one may make statements that hurt and are not helpful.  It is usually because they do not know what to say and want you to be fine and “get over” your grief so that they do not have to deal with the emotions.  Remember, there is no time frame to grief.  You will grieve in some way all your life because of the emptiness of not having your loved one.  Nobody replaces another person.  You just learn to live in the love and memories and live into this different life.

Sometimes grief feels like you are living in a snow globe.  You feel all shook up.  You never know when a trigger will happen, and you fall apart.  Things settle for a moment and then you get shook up from a memory.  Remind yourself you will be fine.  You will get through it.

For a while you exist and just go through the motions of life.  That is OK.  It is part of this grief journey.  You may not feel hopeful right now, but it is having a hope of a hope.  You know someday you will have hope and live in the moments of the life you now have, but right now you are grieving.  Give yourself permission to feel however you feel.

Grief is a journey.  Take your time.  Be grateful for the gift of love and relationships.  Give yourself time.

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In the Different