How To Talk With The Dying
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Death is usually a topic people avoid, and few people write about dying. It is inevitable for everyone, but it brings fear and anxiety to discuss. My experience as a pastor and a hospice chaplain has given me opportunities to talk about death and share last conversations with those who are in the process of dying.
You may shy away from being with those who are completing their earthly life because you do not know what to say and fear you will say something and cause more pain and fear for both of you. Realistically, you cannot avoid death forever. Someone you love will be dying, and you will need to be present with them.
Facing death involves coming to terms with you own mortality and what you believe happens after death. Do you believe in life after death? Do you believe in Heaven? Because of my faith in Jesus, I believe in Heaven. Because of my experiences with the dying, I know Heaven is real.
How do you talk with someone who is facing death and knows it? First, you follow their lead – allow them to talk. Do not stop them because you are uncomfortable. Ask open-ended questions. Be direct and allow both of you to express your emotions and fears. Share memories of life together. Let the person know the difference they made in your life and what you learned from them and will always treasure in your life. Give yourself permission to laugh and share humorous stories of life together. It is OK to cry and tell the person you will miss them. If you try to hide the emotions, you are denying your loved one the opportunity to share emotions with you. Be genuine and allow yourself moments of reality. You cannot stay there long because it will overwhelm you with the finality of earthly loss.
There are some important statements that need to be addressed and shared to avoid personal guilt and regret. They are statements that help the dying release and let go. The issue of forgiveness is vital for both of you to release the past. Being able to state, “I forgive you” and “Please forgive me” brings healing from past hurts and traumas. Having the opportunity to say “Thank you” for the person’s life and legacy and for the person to thank you for sharing life together, gives purpose and meaning to life. Expressing your love may have been difficult in life, but it is important to say “I love you” no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may feel. Finally, it is saying those heart wrenching words of “Good-bye” or “See you later” which gives the one dying permission to die and leave this world. It is not that you want to let go, but it is the completion of life here on earth.
Remember, love never dies. The love you shared remains in your heart forever. There are so many emotions as grief becomes a constant companion on the journey. It is allowing yourself to have these feelings and stay present with your loved one as they transition from this life to the next.
Elaine J. Sturtz
Living In The Different
Check out Elaine’s book – Living In The Different – to help process through dying and death. The book can be purchased through Amazon or at Tea Story in Upper.
