Always Hear A Tone

“Don’t use that tone with me.”  You have probably said this statement to a child, grandchild, student, spouse, or friend.  The tone of your voice may trigger a negative reaction.  The words communicate content, while tone expresses the feelings of what is spoken or written.  A tone of a person refers to the attitude, feeling or emotion conveyed through speech or written word.  The person hearing or reading makes a judgment on what is beneath the statement.  One’s tone can be perceived as positive or negative.  It is usually the negative tone that creates a reactive response.

A tone is negative when it is believed to be sarcastic, critical, or angry.  Feelings come out in your words and raised voice.  It may become a natural response and one does not recognize a specific tone.  The one who receives the words, hears something that may not have been intended but is based on past experiences or traumas.  The one hearing the tone may react by shutting down and becoming silent or becoming reactive and raise his/her voice in response and to defend against the tone perceived.

So, what is your normal tone?  Some people have an attitude that conveys they are always irritated and upset and you feel like you have bothered them.  They may give short answers that reveal their mood.  Other people have a tone that expresses joy and excitement in life.  It feels like their speech almost sings with happiness.  Nothing seems to bother them.  Some people have more of a monotone – neutral in inflection and emotion and basically goes with the flow and keep emotions from being heard in their words.

In disagreements, the tone of one’s voice tends to convey more meaning than the actual words.  It is the emotion behind the words that influences how the message is perceived.  Tone is more difficult to regulate than the choice of words especially in a tense situation.  When beginning a conversation, the tone of one’s voice influences the outcome of the situation.  When one begins with a harsh tone of accusation, it will most likely turn into an argument or verbal fight.

You can say the same phrase with different tones and receive different reactions. For instance, the phrase “It’s fine.”  If spoken in a calm, warm tone conveys reassurance and acceptance.  If spoke in a tense, flat tone, it may express frustration or disappointment.  Some people have a high-pitched tone that conveys excitement or one is about to explode verbally. 

Your tone also affects your credibility and trustworthiness.  If your tone is more steady and clear others tend to listen and hear what you are saying.  When your tone is emotionally charged, sharp, high pitched or harsh, people are reluctant to listen and trust you.

Let’s work on awareness of tone.  It will help you during emotionally charged conversations.  Slow your speech, soften your pitch and keep your voice at a steady pace.  By doing so, you can reduce conversations from escalating into arguments.  You can therefore, help to prevent others from misunderstanding what you are saying because they are not focused on your delivery.

The first step, is to become more aware of your own tone.  Listen to yourself when you speak.  Ask those around you that you trust to give you an honest answer how they perceive your tone.  What tone do you want to convey to others in your conversations?

Elaine J. Sturtz

Living In The Different